


Something Deeper

by RedStar1974



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Betrayal, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reconciliation, Renegade decisions, Romance, Sexual Content, Some departures from canon, Spoilers: Citadel DLC, Spoilers: From Ashes DLC, Spoilers: Overlord DLC, Unresolved Sexual Tension, mShenko
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2015-04-23
Packaged: 2018-02-15 03:31:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 101,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2214174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedStar1974/pseuds/RedStar1974
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan and John Shepard never admitted their feelings for each other, and after Shepard's death, Kaidan closed himself off to the possibility of finding love again. Three years later they're thrown together but Shepard's a changed man, and Horizon, Cerberus and the Reapers stand between them. This is the story of their journey, told from varying POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Thinking

**Author's Note:**

> This story features varying POV and is set mainly during ME3, but will revisit ME1 and 2 along the way. 
> 
> John Shepard is the default 'Sheploo', an Engineer and Ruthless/Earthborn Renegade. He generally treats his crew and allies with respect, but the mission and accumulation of war assets are paramount.  
> 
> I need to give a very special thank-you to my dear friend Carrie, whose encouragement and advice has been invaluable. Thanks, chick, you really went above and beyond. :) 
> 
> Be advised: this story contains UK English spelling. ;)
> 
> Enough rambling! I really hope you enjoy this, and thank you for reading!

**Alliance HQ, Vancouver, 2186 (Kaidan's POV)**

If I were in Shepard's position I might feel used.

I don't know exactly what happened on Aratoht, only that an entire colony was destroyed along with the relay, leaving 300,000 batarians dead. Yes, it _was_ necessary. But someone had to answer for it.

Shepard did the only thing he could at the time, and the Alliance did the only thing _it_ could in response. They brought him to HQ, officially under arrest, while he awaited trial. Although he was never court-martialled, and wasn't exactly living on bread and water here, the loss of his command and his ship was as good as a prison sentence.

And now, Luna Base has caught something on long-range and the Alliance suddenly needs the formerly-dead, formerly-turned-traitor and mass murderer Commander John Shepard. At least that's how the press paint him.

 _Used._ That's exactly how Shepard must feel, and I know this because I know _him._

At least… I thought I did.

Sure, Shepard's decision to work with Cerberus turned out well enough for humankind, but what drove a man like John Shepard—Alliance through and through—to work with a bunch of terrorists in the first place?

Why didn't he walk away as soon as he knew who those people were? Why didn't he reach out to the Alliance, the Council?

Wait. How do I know he didn't? Do I _really_ know, with absolute certainty, that he didn't?

I'm overthinking again. Shepard always said I thought too much, had to break absolutely everything down into its constituent parts, and then examine those parts over and over again 'til I nearly drove myself crazy. He used to lay his hand on my forehead and joke that my brain was cooking—'Stick a fork in it, Alenko, it's done'. Well, I guess he was right about that.

He was right about joining Cerberus, too, I know that now. If he hadn't—if he and his crew hadn't taken down the Collectors—we'd all be paste in a damn tube. He was right and I was wrong. About him, anyway.

Not so sure I was wrong about Cerberus, though.

I'm nervous and with good reason. Last time I saw Shepard was on Horizon, and that didn't go so well. For either of us, I guess. We both said things that… well, I _did_ mean them, only I wish I'd said them differently. Maybe Shepard feels the same way, but there's no way to know.

Cut a long story short, we used to be friends, good ones, until that day. Now… I dunno.

Anderson's bringing him here, where the Committee's waiting. And that's all I can do—wait. And think. About _everything._

Damn, I wish I'd told him. If I had, then he might have understood why I reacted the way I did on Horizon. Maybe if I'd told him, so much time wouldn't have been wasted. Now, facing the end of the world—because Anderson and I are _certain_ it's the Reapers even if the Committee's not—it's probably too late.

But I didn't tell him. How could I? How could I say something like _that_ to my CO, to Commander Shepard, for God's sake? It would have gone against everything I am. Regs. Duty. Etiquette. Dignity. Self-control. Yeah, those are the driving forces behind Kaidan Alenko, along with a helping of expectation and peer pressure. It's always been that way, ever since what happened at BAaT, and it's best for everyone that it stays that way.

Not even that night before Ilos—when I sat alone in the Mess with so many thoughts running through my head that I thought I might explode, not even when Shepard privately confided in me that it might be a one-way trip—had I been able to tell him.

Not even when I stood outside his quarters at two in the morning—never more unsure of myself, never so lost for words, never so desperate for human contact—had I told him.

And when I walked away, with all those words I'd practised so many times still unspoken, when I lay on my bunk, stared up at the ceiling and endured a sleepless night, I knew I'd _never_ be able to tell him.

Yet I still don't know why.

I mean it's not like I was ever intimidated by Shepard. He was a hero back then. His enemies feared and respected him because of his prowess in battle, tactical mastery and reputation for doing whatever it took to complete the mission. And I mean _whatever_ it took. But to his crew and allies, Shepard was a serious but decent guy, and an excellent CO. Best I've ever had, and not just because of _that._

Now, though? He took down the Collectors, killed 300,000 batarians, is a known Cerberus collaborator and has links to Aria T'Loak, Archangel, a drell assassin, a co-founder of the Blue Suns, the Shadow Broker and a biotic experiment gone wrong—Subject Zero—to name but a few.

Shepard's got an entirely different reputation these days, and although I now outrank him, I gotta admit that yes, I am intimidated at the thought of seeing him, talking to him, again. Hell, the Reapers are headed for Earth and I'm standing here, worrying about what to say to him?

I mean I guess I just hate the unknown. I have no clue what's going to happen in the next few minutes, how we're going to react to seeing each other. Is he even the same man anymore? If he's changed, is it by choice, or have circumstances shaped him?

I hear muffled conversation and approaching footsteps from the west. He's coming… _they're_ coming.

Or is it something else? What did Cerberus _do_ to him? How _did_ they bring a man back from the dead after two years? It's just not possible, is it? And yet…

"Good luck in there, Shepard."

I look up. Anderson's already talking with one of the Committee's aides, and Shepard's shaking hands with a huge guy—I'm guessing his bodyguard—with his back to me. Okay. This is it.

I straighten up, clear my throat. "Shepard."

Good. I sound clear, confident and friendly. Not _too_ friendly, though. Yeah. Think I came over pretty well and oh God he's turning around—

More than a year spent waiting for this moment.

Our eyes meet. Shepard's unshaven and has frown lines I don't remember seeing before, along with some nasty scarring to each side of his face. He looks tired. Not the kind of tired you get from a late night but the kind of tired you get from months of not really sleeping at all.

He looks _older._

"Kaidan?"

"How'd it go in there, Major?"

I blink, my attention hurtling back to the present, and tear my gaze away from Shepard to concentrate on Anderson, mumbling a few words in response.

"Major?" Shepard stalks forward, suspicion or confusion on his face, I'm not sure which.

"You didn't know?" asks Anderson.

"No, I'm a bit out of the loop these days."

"Sorry, sir." I don't need to call him sir anymore but hell, what else am I supposed to call him? He's… _was_ my CO."Didn't mean to keep you out of the loop."

Shepard nods, his eyes pinning me in place. "Not like the Reapers arrived and you didn't tell me."

That… was unexpected. He sounds pissed. "I guess you're right."

Oblivious to the exchange, Anderson's already deep in conversation with another aide, while Shepard and I size each other up while pretending not to.

His shoulders sag just a little, and his eyes lose that penetrating, soul-piercing glint. "You look good, Major," he says in a cautious tone. "And… congratulations."

"Thanks. Uh, so do you. Look good, I mean."

He strokes along his fuzzy jawline, wincing slightly when he touches the edge of one of his scars. How did he get _those?_ They look pretty horrific. "Never were a good liar, were you, Alenko."

I smile. "Quick shave and you'll be good to go." Oh man. Talk about a banal thing to say. Jesus. A year since Horizon and that's the best I can do?

He gives a quiet sigh and looks away, his eyes hooded. "Yup. Good to go. That's me."

I watch him, just for a second wanting to reach out to him, but I know I can't, and he's lost in thought anyway. Out of small talk, we stand in awkward silence for a minute before Anderson calls Shepard over.

"They're ready for us. Let's go."

Shepard walks by, his eyes briefly settling on mine, but his mind's someplace else. I watch as they disappear behind a door, feeling a presence behind me.

"You know the commander?"

"… I used to."

No, Shepard's not the man I remember at all. But why?

Then I think about Cerberus and I get angry.

**The Normandy SR-2, half an hour later**

I lean against Joker's chair, my omni-tool lighting up as I transmit data to his console. "Just got a fix on Anderson and Shepard," I tell him, still panting. "Here's the NavPoint. They found a radio."

"Little busy here!" Joker furiously works his console, taking the Normandy through a hair-raising manoeuvre, evading enemy fire. I stumble, almost falling over, before clambering to the co-pilot's chair and buckling myself in. "Okay, we're past the ground cannons, just need to dodge the huge red lasers of death. EDI, how're the—"

"Holding at sixty percent," the AI answers, anticipating Joker's question.

We fly over a kill zone, nothing but twisted monstrosities picking over the corpses of Alliance soldiers and civilians. Then I see it to our left: a Reaper, obliterating everything in its path. And we're headed straight for it.

"My God," I say in awed horror, touching my earpiece. "I'll try to raise them again… shit. Nothing but static."

"The Reapers are disrupting communications," EDI says. "Attempting to attenuate."

"Almost on 'em," adds Joker. "Got a large concentration of Reaper troops dead ahead. Looks like they're pinned down."

"I have them," EDI announces. "Deploying air-to-surface cannon. I have also re-established a stable comm. link."

"Atta girl." Joker hits a small panel on his console as fire and smoke fills our view. "Cavalry's here, gentlemen!"

"I'll go get them." I'm already unbuckling myself and take off into the CIC, pointing at two random bridge crew. "You and you. Come with me."

Once at the armory, we grab a firearm each and I open the external bay doors.

Immediately, we see two men in Alliance uniform sprinting toward the Normandy. "Cover them!" I yell, dropping to one knee and taking aim at the stragglers that are pursuing Shepard and Anderson.

The Normandy eases closer to the ground and when Shepard and Anderson are almost upon us, I edge closer to the bay door, one arm outstretched to catch Shepard, who's first to jump the gap.

"Welcome aboard," I say as he rights himself.

"Thanks." Shepard gestures to Anderson, who's waiting at the threshold to the ship. "Come on! What are you waiting for?"

"Need to make this quick, guys!" Joker shouts over the comm. "In case you hadn't noticed, there's a big-ass Reaper breathing down our necks!"

"I'm not going," Anderson states calmly.

"What do you mean?" exclaims Shepard, appearing agitated. "We're in this fight together, Anderson!"

"It's a fight we can't win, not without help. Talk to the Council."

"You really think they'll listen to me after I got the original Council killed?"

"Make them listen! Now go! That's an order!"

"I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?"

"Consider yourself reinstated, Commander!" Anderson's already jogging down the embankment, the covering fire from the Normandy carving him a path.

"I'll be back for you, I swear! And I'll bring every fleet I can!"

"We're going!" Joker calls. "Get your asses inside, now!"

The external bay doors start to close and Shepard can only watch his mentor and former captain grow smaller in his vision. With the doors fully closed, Shepard rests his hands against them, staring at the cold metal while I dismiss the bridge crew.

"He'll be okay," I commiserate, cautiously approaching.

"Yeah." He pushes himself away from the doors and strides across to the armory, where Lieutenant Vega's snapping thermal clips into side arms. He touches his earpiece. "Everything okay up there, Joker?"

"We're good. Uh… just checking—who's in command here? 'Cause we don't exactly have a full crew."

"Shepard's in command until we hear something official," I reply, as I'm the ranking officer on board. "He's reinstated but none of us has orders from Alliance Command yet."

"Got it," says Joker. "Where we heading?"

Shepard's looking at me, but there's nothing in his expression, and I'm not sure how to feel about that. "Get us to the Citadel, Joker," he orders. "Anderson wants us to talk to the Council, get help for the fight."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

"What?" James demands. "We're _leaving_? Bullshit! He wouldn't order us to leave!"

Something in Shepard's eyes changes and he stands toe-to-toe with James. "Stow it, Lieutenant," he hisses, jabbing Vega's chest with a finger. "You don't want to go—we get it—but this isn't a democracy. We're _going_ to the Citadel. You want out, you can catch a ride back from there."

James backs down but he's indignant and fired-up. Shepard's angry and I can hazard a guess as to why.

He didn't have the upbringing most of us did; in fact I'd hesitate to call it an upbringing at all. He doesn't know who his father was and he _never_ mentions his mother. Anderson's the closest thing he ever had to a father, and I felt his pain when the bay doors closed. Anderson could already be dead. I _see_ that in his eyes.

And maybe, just maybe, he's pissed because the Reapers are finally here and all of a sudden everyone's looking to Shepard to snap his fingers and make everything better, after years of ignoring him? Hell, maybe it's because I'm aboard, I outrank him and I just very generously gave him command of his own ship? Maybe Shepard and James just don't get along?

Maybe it's something I don't know about, or a combination of all those things?

A dark thought enters my head and I don't like it. What exactly did Cerberus do to Shepard in that lab, where he was at their mercy for two years? Did they brainwash him? Is he under their control? Is he on drugs that keep him alive, drugs that make him aggressive, that cause long-term damage to his mind?

And if Shepard really did renounce Cerberus as all reports indicate? Did they implant some kind of control chip or kill switch in him?

It's not that I don't trust him. I want to believe that he's the same man, but Cerberus? They spent a lot of money bringing him back. It stands to reason that they'd have some kind of insurance policy.

But I _want_ to believe that Shepard's still Shepard. I want that more than anything.

I raise a hand to my brow, internally rebuking myself for _thinking_ too much. My brain's cooking, all right, but I doubt Shepard would see the funny side this time. He must have passed Alliance health checks to be declared fit for duty but this was an emergency. Did something slip them by?

"Admiral Hackett on the QEC for you, Commander," EDI announces.

Shepard quickly walks to a monitor. "Patch him through."

**Mars Archives (Liara's POV)**

Lieutenant Vega's covering the exits so now it's just me, Shepard and Kaidan. Shepard took point as usual, with Kaidan flanking whichever side's exposed. I'm bringing up the rear, although I was not instructed to do so. Both men are very quiet, especially since Kaidan started asking about Cerberus's presence here—something Shepard took exception to, although he refrained from outright hostility. Unfortunately, his answers don't seem to have completely satisfied Kaidan. If anything, they've only served to make him more anxious.

I've long suspected that their relationship was more complicated than that of CO and subordinate, or even that of friends. Ever since I made a very incompetent pass at Shepard all that time ago—only to be told that it was nothing personal, but he isn't attracted to women—I've wondered about them.

In Kaidan's case it's always been obvious, but only to me, I think. I'm fairly certain no one else noticed the way he used to look at Shepard sometimes back on the SR-1. I always knew how much Kaidan worried about him and that's apparent even now, three years later. Shepard's concentrating on nothing but what's in front of his nose, but Kaidan's distracted, his gaze moving here and there, but eventually settling back on Shepard. Just for a moment.

And Shepard? It's always difficult to tell. He's not an easy man to read and he can be different people depending on the circumstances. In situations such as these he's focused, grimly efficient, calculating and brutal with those who threaten the mission or his squad mates. During rare moments of down time, however, he can be found in the Mess, entertaining his crew with wild stories, delivered with his famous dry wit. At least he used to.

Despite his ability to play a crowd, though, Shepard has few close friends, and chooses them with great care. On the SR-1, one of those friends was Kaidan, his 'shoulder' as Shepard had called him. They'd shared many deep, serious conversations at Kaidan's station, and Shepard almost always took him along on missions. They were as close as brothers, maybe closer.

Then Horizon happened. I heard all about it through my contacts. By the time Shepard found me on Ilium, Garrus Vakarian had stepped into the vacant spot of Shepard's Closest Friend and Advisor. And there he's remained, even during Shepard's incarceration.

As for me, I'm not really sure _where_ I stand with Shepard.

I never felt completely at ease on the SR-1, although he couldn't be blamed for that. At the time, the SR-1 was a symbol of something that not everyone wanted. Although co-developed by the turians, only one turian was on board, along with a handful of other 'aliens', and I found the all-human crew strange to say the least. Not that they were anything but polite to me, but that was only because Shepard had ordered them to be.

I had a hand in my mother's death on Noveria, but it was Shepard who ended her life. Then, I protested against the destruction of the Rachni Queen, but Shepard and Wrex had already made their minds up, and I watched helplessly as an entire race was made extinct with a push of a button. I was outraged by that, but to Shepard and Wrex it was the only viable choice.

I was a small fish in a very large pond, but when I acquired the Shadow Broker's base something inside me changed. But I wasn't simply driven by a need for power, by a need to show everyone else I wasn't just some simpering, socially-awkward scientist, I'm sure of that.

Aren't I? Well, maybe I just needed to grow up.

Shepard instantly latched onto that, though, and commented on how different I already was when I assumed the defeated yahg's mantle. We've drifted out of touch since then, and all contact was severed upon his incarceration, but I kept tabs on him and knew exactly where he was. What I don't know is whether or not we're still friends.

Grown-up—that's what we are now, all of us. I long ago moved on from my childish crush on Shepard and the Terminus Systems changed us both forever, but the newly-appointed major is still Kaidan Alenko beneath it all. Perhaps a little more of a presence, perhaps a little less inclined to blend into the background, but the heart of the man is too pure—his morals and principles too deeply embedded—for anything to touch them, hence his gently insistent questioning of Shepard. The man just _has_ to know, but Shepard has never welcomed anyone or anything trying to get inside his head.

Which makes me wonder about them all the more. Will they renew their once-close bond, or did Shepard's death, and his time with Cerberus, irrevocably alter that?

"Found something, Commander."

Shepard walks through to the next room where Kaidan's examining the dead body of a Cerberus soldier. I watch with vague disinterest as I'm still monitoring Cerberus channels.

"What have you got?"

"Might be able to use his helmet communicator." Kaidan touches a small panel on the man's helmet and pulls away his visor, revealing a horrific sight. As I rise from my chair, both men recoil, taking a step back. "My God… he looks like a husk."

Shepard crouches next to the unfortunate soldier, closely scrutinising his ruined face. "Not quite. But they've definitely done something to him."

"And by 'they' you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own man? Shepard, that could have been you!"

Shepard rises to his full height and gives Kaidan a warning look. "How can you compare me to that thing? Do I look like a husk?" He points at his own face. "Do I?"

"I don't know what you are, not since Cerberus got their hands on you." Kaidan turns away and leans on a nearby railing, closing his eyes, seeming to regret his words, or at least that they needed to be said by _him._

"It doesn't matter what I say, does it? No amount of talking will convince you."

Kaidan sighs before turning back to Shepard. "Probably not. I just need to know whether the man I would have followed to hell and back—"

"I'm still me, Kaidan."

"But are you? How would you even know if they did something to you?"

A fierce frown takes Shepard's features and an impatient sigh rushes out of him. "Like what? If you've got something to say, say it."

"Okay." Kaidan points at the Cerberus soldier. "You think _he_ was aware that he'd been altered?"

"I don't _know_ , Kaidan. Cerberus is part of my past. I don't know what they're doing here, what they did to him, and no, I don't know how they brought me back _or_ what they did to me. You think I haven't thought about all that?" He takes a couple of steps closer to Kaidan, clearly struggling to stay composed. "But I do know I'm not him. I'm _me._ Period. We used to be friends. I shouldn't have to keep—"

He stops himself, shakes his head, and re-examines the Cerberus soldier.

Kaidan turns away again, staring at an indeterminate point in the distance.

I pretend to concentrate on the terminal I'm seated at, but my work is finished. The men's voices were calm, but the yawning silence that follows their brief conversation conveys years of hurt, accusation, mistrust and betrayal on both sides.

Shepard remains quiet while he relieves the soldier of his communicator, his tone guarded when he finally speaks. "Let's see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe then you'll get some answers."

I creep out of the small office to join them as Shepard begins speaking into the communicator, not giving Kaidan a chance to reply, which I'm somewhat relieved about.

That was the last conversation they had before Kaidan was critically injured by the Cerberus mech.

**The Normandy, later that day, en-route to Palaven (Shepard's POV)**

Back in the day when Anderson was in command, Kaidan and I used to take it in turns to sit in the cockpit with Joker. He didn't need us there, but it was somewhere we could work without feeling like everyone's eyes were on us, kind of a refuge.

Then I was given command of the Normandy and that level of familiarity with the crew was no longer something I could indulge in.

Sometimes, though, I just think to hell with it—like today—so here I am.

Only it's not the refuge it used to be, because just about everyone and his dog has pinged me while I've been here, but I'm feeling unusually nostalgic today. Plus, Joker's incessant chatter and banter with EDI's a good way to keep my mind off of things I don't want to think about.

"Think they'll be able to fix Kaidan up?" Joker asks. "That mech really messed him up, huh?"

Well, so much for that.

"Commander?"

"Hm? Oh… I dunno. He's alive. That's something." I feel tired as I speak, that it's an effort just to get the words out. Not like I'm out of shape or anything—spending six months with Vega at my side saw to that. I'm in the best shape of my career, but it's been a hell of a day.

I think about _him_ again, what we said to each other, how I felt physically sick when that _thing_ smashed him against the side of the shuttle. The moment I thought I'd lost one of my closest friends. At least… he used to be.

Joker, say something. Anything.

"Best care on the Citadel, right?" He watches me for a second. "Heard he was grilling you pretty hard on Mars."

I groan, sinking back into the chair. "Scuttlebutt's fast these days. Cerberus upgrade, like the seats?"

The self-proclaimed Best Pilot in the Universe allows a faint smile to grace his lips. "Must be. We _could_ have the old Alliance scuttlebutt reinstalled if you want."

"What, the one that had me romantically linked with just about anything with a heartbeat? I'll pass."

"So Cerberus did two good things for us! Who knew?"

"Jeff, I would remind you—"

"Right! Sorry, EDI. _Three_ things. Thank you, Mister Illusive, now take the hint and go throw yourself into the nearest quasar."

"Somehow, Joker, I doubt it'll be that easy." I bring up a screen of incoming communications to the Normandy, the fourth time I've done so in the past half hour. "Anderson checked in yet?"

"Ask Traynor. She just stepped back into the CIC."

"Who?"

"You know? The twitchy British comm. specialist? You met her earlier?"

"I did?" I stifle a yawn. "Met so many new people today I've lost track." I haul myself out of the chair and clap Joker on the shoulder before heading for the CIC.

"Commander!" Traynor—I remember her now—stands to attention as I approach. "Do you need anything?"

I walk to her station and lean against it. "We heard from Admiral Anderson yet?"

"Afraid not, Commander. You'll be the first to know when we do."

I nod, blowing out a breath. "Okay. Anything I need to be aware of?"

"Not much, only that Doctor T'Soni has requested a couple more techs to assist in setting up her office." I frown, confused, and she pauses for a second. "I... hope you don't mind, but I sent them along. We can spare them, and I didn't want to trouble you with trivialities such as that. If I've done wrong, then I—"

"Office? What office?"

Traynor's mouth works, and she clears her throat nervously. "She's sort of claimed the XO quarters. She's brought in a lot of tech which she assured me will be vital in the efforts against the Reapers. I, uh, didn't actually know about it until she requested the assistance, which wasn't very long ago."

"She _what_?" Okay. Now I'm irritated. I head for the elevator, leaving Traynor behind, wringing her hands.

But at least I've got something else to think about.

Once on the Crew Deck, I arrive at the door to the XO quarters to find it remotely locked. Having to request entry to an empty room on my own ship does nothing to quell my impatience. I wait. After fifteen seconds or so the door opens and I step inside, finding a sea of monitors and a drone in my face, which I swat aside.

"Liara, what is all this?"

She's standing with her back to me, entering information onto a datapad. She replies, but doesn't turn around first.

"I salvaged as much as I could from the Shadow Broker's ship. There wasn't room for everything but I've had to make do."

I wait a beat, thinking how it would be normal for her—for anyone—to turn around and at least acknowledge me as an important component of this discussion. She doesn't. I'm now edging into pissed-off territory but I keep a lid on it the best I can. "How about I rephrase that. What I meant to say was, what's it _doing_ here and who gave you permission? Because I know I didn't."

She places the datapad down and finally turns to face me. "There was nowhere else for it to go," she answers defensively.

I cross my arms, my jaw tightening. "This is the XO quarters. I am _officially_ in command of the Normandy now, and would have appreciated a heads-up. No… I would have _expected_ one."

"Do you even have an XO?" she asks, drifting to a nearby terminal.

" _Excuse_ me?"

"You won't have had enough time to appoint one yet," she says, not incorrectly, but that's beside the point. "Until you do, this is the ideal space to set up in. It wasn't being used."

"Liara." I move to her side, preventing her from checking a neighbouring terminal. "We've known each other a long time but let's get one thing clear. This is an Alliance frigate and space is at a premium. We now have a full crew. You can't just requisition yourself a room here. I want this stuff gone."

"This 'stuff', as you so dismissively call it, is here to help you!" she protests.

"And I appreciate that, but it can't stay here. This room is for my XO, _when_ one's appointed, and for VIPs. You think I should tell Primarch Fedorian he needs to hot-bunk with the rest of the crew?"

She turns fully to me, hands on hips and, not for the first time, I'm struck by the difference between Liara now and Liara of three years ago. "So where do you propose I move it to?"

I think for a minute. "You can have the Life Support room and the space behind it, but don't obstruct any of the interfaces."

"But that room is half the size of this one!"

"It'll _have_ to suffice," I say, no longer hiding my annoyance. "If you'd asked me about this _before_ we picked up the crew, as you _should_ have, I might have been able to accommodate you. But this ship is at capacity." I glance around the room, the brightness of the monitors hurting my eyes. "It can stay here for now, but at changeover in the morning it's gone. _All_ of it."

I'm already leaving, her taut "Understood, Commander," following me out.

I move to the kitchen, make myself an unappetising-looking sandwich and grab a bottle of juice before heading for the elevator. "My cabin, EDI." I touch my earpiece. "Traynor, Liara will be moving to Life Support at changeover. I'm hitting the hay for a couple of hours. Let me know if anything else comes up or if Anderson checks in."

"Copy all, Commander. Sleep well."

"Thanks. Joker? Hit me up when we're an hour out from Palaven. And get some rest yourself. Got a feeling we'll be in demand real soon."

"Aye, aye, sir. Hey, one thing before you go? I'm setting up a poker league like we had before. You in? We won't have Cerberus versus Alliance versus Weird Aliens this time, so we'll need to come up with something else. It was gonna be me and Cortez against the jarheads, but there's only two of us and four of you guys already."

I step out of the elevator and into my cabin. "All right, I'm in. I'll leave the teams to you. Shepard out."

"Okay, but I'm on yours! Joker out."

I manage a smile but it makes my scars ache. I look around the cabin, which feels even bigger and emptier than usual, so I move to my terminal and sit down. My face drops.

Picture of me, Alenko, Williams and Anderson—taken three years ago on the Citadel—sitting on my desk. I'd almost forgotten about it. Didn't even look at it most days at Alliance HQ, but today…

I turn it face-down.

I open my emails, take a bite of the sandwich and compose a new message:

_To: Doctor Michel, Huerta Memorial Hospital_

_From: Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy_

_Subject: Major Alenko_

_Requesting an update._

_-Shepard._

I check the message and, before sending it, add 'Thanks' to the end.

I then log on to the extranet and idly scan a few sites, checking my inbox every couple of minutes, and then every thirty seconds. After a while I abandon any pretence of surfing the web and stare hard at the email screen, my fingers drumming against the desk. It's already been fifteen minutes. I know the docs are busy, but I just want a few words. _I'm_ expected to jump when something comes up, so why can't they?

Okay, that's unfair. And selfish. But seriously. Answer me now.

Just when I'm starting to get annoyed—even though I know I'm being an impatient asshole—my inbox beeps. I open the new email, unconsciously drawing a deep breath.

_Hello, Commander Shepard. I hope you are well. Currently there is no change in Major Alenko's condition, although he remains stable, which is encouraging._

_Now that I have your email address, I will be sure to let you know if there is any news. In the meantime, please do not hesitate to contact me for anything else._

_Take care out there._

_-Dr. Chloe Michel._

I read the message a few times, lingering on the words _stable_ and _encouraging_ before responding with a quick 'Thank you'. It was decent of her to reply so quickly.

I read the email again and stand up, leaving the sandwich and juice, and kick off my boots before lying on the bed.

I roll onto my back, hands tucked beneath my head, and stare up at the reinforced glass ceiling, knowing I won't be able to sleep.

"Lights out."

All I can do now is think. About Mars, about Horizon, about Earth.

About everything.


	2. Fury Undimmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who have left comments, kudos or are just lurking! And a very special thank-you, as always, to my ME oracle, Carrie, for your help. I'd be lost without you. :)

**The Normandy SR-1, Amada, Omega Nebula, 2183, post-Saren campaign**

**Captain's quarters, crew deck (Kaidan's POV)**

My poker face is lousy. I mean really, _really_ horrible. Shepard and Pressley, though—they could have been pros if they hadn't joined the Alliance, while Adams doesn't even try, or at least doesn't _appear_ to. He laughs, smiles and cracks jokes but he's a wily one. He won the last two hands and this time around, Shepard and Pressley mean business.

There's a lot riding on this game. Adams and I don't really have much of a stake here but for our CO and XO, first to lose out of them has to write the tedious and dreaded Command Operations report. This is serious. Shepard lost to Pressley the last two times so he's out for blood.

Only they can't see my hand. I've got a _straight,_ highest hand we've had so far this session. Hope I'm up to this. Come on, face, don't let me down. I might just win this thing.

"Alenko," Shepard says and I look at him, his eyes boring right through me. Adams is chuckling to my left and Pressley, directly opposite me, looks like he wants to murder me. Wow. "You in or not? You know, I'm thinking of bringing in a time limit whenever you're playing. This isn't chess."

He's trying to psyche me out. _It's not working,_ I tell myself. Okay… time for something unexpected. "All in." I scoop my chips up and push them into the centre of the table.

"Did you just say 'All in'?" Adams asks in surprise, as a loud snort originates from Pressley. "You _do_ know how to play this game, right, Kaidan?"

I nod, my eyes drifting to Shepard, whose expression hasn't changed at all, but those eyes… I swear he can see through me, right into my soul. My heart starts pounding but I hold fast, returning his steely look with one of my own. At least I hope it's something approaching steel and not just, I dunno, brass.

He's up next and I swear he hasn't blinked once. I sit back, fold my arms and maintain eye contact, wondering how many tells I'm giving off. Probably all of them. He pushes all his chips into the middle, not once taking his eyes off me.

"I'm _not_ writing that report again. All in."

"He's bluffing," scoffs Pressley, but is that a semitone of panic registering in his voice? "I call. Let's see what you've got, Commander."

Shepard looks back at me. "You first."

Trying to repress a smug grin, I spread my cards out. "Read 'em and weep," I boast. Then I stop repressing and the smug grin comes out. Ah, that feels _good._

Adams throws his cards down before patting me on the back. "Well, I'm out. Nice going, Kaidan. Think you've got these two on the ropes. It's about time."

Shepard arranges his cards and very carefully lays them down, giving me an almost apologetic look as the last one is revealed. "Sorry."

Flush. Goddamn it.

Pressley lets out a howl of anguish and stands up, touching his earpiece. "Joker, I'm on my way up. I've got a report to write," he growls, shaking his head at Shepard, who's wearing a smug grin of his own.

"Oh boy," Joker replies, "thanks for the heads-up. 'Pissed-off XO on deck!'"

"Joker," Shepard warns, "Pressley's under a lot of pressure right now because he's got to write the _Command Operations report_ so be nice. That's an order."

"Aye, aye, sir. Sorrynotsorry," comes the mumbled reply from the cockpit.

"Just keep it up, Joker," grumbles Pressley, stepping over my feet, "and you can proof-read the damn thing when I'm done. All twenty-six pages of it."

"Isn't that the VI's job?"

"Looks like it just became yours," says Shepard, and the comm. link to the bridge is mysteriously lost. Comms never were reliable on the SR-1, especially when Shepard was talking with the Council.

"I'd better get back to it too." Adams shakes our hands and follows Pressley out. "Thanks for the game, fellas. Same time next week?"

Shepard and I tidy up amid comfortable silence and sip at our coffees. When the chips and deck are put away, he sits back and watches me for a bit. "You're getting the hang of this. I thought you were bluffing for real."

"Yeah, well, maybe that's been part of my master plan all along," I say, smiling.

"You mean you've been putting us on all this time?" He shakes his head in mock-admiration and gives me a look that makes me feel warm all over. He's messing with me, and I like it. "Why, Alenko. You sly old dog."

"Guilty… as charged."

He grabs the case of chips, slaps it onto the table and issues a challenge. "Decider, once and for all. Shepard versus Alenko. Two giants of the poker world, at least on the Normandy. Okay… at least in this room."

I nod enthusiastically. "Winner's declared Master of the Universe. Might as well practise calling me it from the get-go."

He points at me. "You're going down, Lieutenant."

"You can talk the talk, I'll give you that. And it's not 'Lieutenant' anymore. It's Master of the Universe. Sir."

He shakes his head and quietly laughs, a rich, deep sound that's as rare and precious as refined yttrium. "If you say so… _Lieutenant_."

I love this. I love seeing him so at ease. I guess I just love seeing him be himself, because he doesn't get the chance very often.

"More coffee?" he asks.

"Sure. I'll set up."

He stands but before he reaches for the empty coffee cups, he touches his earpiece. "Shepard here." I hear Pressley's garbled voice at the other end but I can't make out what he's saying. Shepard's mouth forms into a tight line and his nostrils flare. "Tried hailing them? They're on intercept? On my way. General Quarters."

"General Quarters," the Normandy VI announces, and continues to do so on a repeating loop for the next minute. "All crew members report to their stations immediately."

"What's going on?" I ask, but he doesn't answer. I'm already on my feet, the coffee and game forgotten as we step out into the Mess, where people are walking around quickly but with purpose, leaving their laptops and unfinished meals on their tables.

Shepard waves his hand to get Dr. Chakwas's attention, and she looks up through the glass partition. "Got everything you need, Doc?" he calls as we rush for the elevator and she replies in the affirmative.

"Kaidan, get down to Engineering," Shepard says—

"Brace for evasive manoeuvres!" Joker yells over the comm. and we're pitched to the floor, Shepard grabbing me hard around the waist, stopping me from hitting my head on a table.

There's shouting, noise and fire. We shake off the shock and Shepard pulls me up, clutches my face and checks my pupils. "You okay?" he rasps. I tell him yes and he orders me to tend to the wounded along with Chakwas. There are at least a dozen people on the floor, some moving, some not. Part of the ceiling's caved in and it looks like the stairs are blocked by rubble.

"Pressley! Joker!" He jabs at his earpiece, dodging a piece of the ceiling that almost falls on him. "Adams! This is Shepard! Report! Come in! Somebody!"

There's dust and smoke and coughing and exposed cables everywhere. I lose sight of him but I can hear him as well as voices from the CIC.

"We need to clear the stairs!" he shouts through the smoke. "Singh! Jones! Give me a hand here! Someone get that fire out!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Joker! Pressley! Is anyone up there receiving me?"

"We see you, Commander!" the faint voice of Barbara Li, one of the CIC officers, calls from the top of the stairs. "Trying to clear a path to you!"

"What's happening? Why aren't Joker and Pressley responding? Are comms down?"

"Yes, sir, comms are down but Pressley… he's dead. I'm sorry, sir."

"But I was just talking—!" I can't see Shepard but I feel the kick in the chest just as surely as he does. "… And Joker?"

"He won't evacuate, sir."

"Dr. Chakwas," he says, his voice quieter, barely audible above the alarms and coughing and groaning, "what's your status."

"No fatalities down here, but we have walking wounded. We can move them."

I hear sounds of metal scraping against metal and heavy objects being thrown. "All right. We've almost got the stairs cleared. Kaidan, I want you co-ordinating the escape pods. Joker! Do you read me? Adams!"

"Right away," I reply, administering medi-gel to Simmons before scrambling to my feet.

"What's the situation up there?" Shepard calls up the stairs.

"Joker won't evacuate! He's gonna get himself killed! It's all coming apart up here!"

"Barbara, I need you to stay calm," he says, sounding more confident than I know he feels. "Let's concentrate on getting this stairwell cleared. You with me?"

"Y—yes, sir! Sorry, sir!"

There's a rumbling, a shimmy travelling along the floor and then an explosion from somewhere below rips through the ship. I see the ceiling above me buckle and instinctively, I throw up a barrier around myself and the wounded crew at my feet.

"Shepard! I need help here! I'm holding it up but I don't know how long—"

" _Go!"_

Singh and Jones burst through the smoke and, along with the doc, drag the wounded out of harm's way, using their omni-tools to patch the ceiling up long enough for me to drop the barrier and move aside, but the repairs won't hold for long. Looks like the whole thing's about to come down.

Even the VI's telling us to get to the escape pods now, which in simple terms means we're screwed.

"Shepard!" I call.

"I'm going after… Joker! Come in, damn it! If you can hear me, get your ass down here!" There's a beat of silence and he curses under his breath. "Doctor, get these people evacuated! Kaidan, check downstairs and then get to the pods!"

"Wait, let me go up to Joker!" I offer, suddenly not wanting to leave Shepard's side, to leave my crewmates. I don't… _I can't_ leave them behind.

He runs over, grabs my arm and shoves me in the direction of the access ladder to the lower deck, pointing ahead. "I'm _not_ asking! _Get the hell out of here, Kaidan!"_

I look into his eyes and there's something desperate there, something I've never seen before.

He's _afraid._ Just for a second and then it's gone.

I don't argue. "Aye, aye."

He disappears into the smoke and I get a sinking feeling right in my gut. Can't explain it, but it feels like I just said goodbye to him.

People from the CIC start coming down the stairs and Chakwas deals with them while I take the ladder down, the elevator not an option as emergency bulkheads are in place. I run into Adams, who's directing his engineering crew, and they start heading up. The elevator's completely covered by flaming rubble and I can't see past it for smoke.

"We can't get to the armory! It's cut off!" Adams shouts, dashing sweat out of his eyes.

I cue up my omni-tool. "Did you try—"

"It's inaccessible! We need to go!" He's headed back to the ladder but I hesitate for a second, looking over my shoulder.

"Is anyone in there? How many?"

"We can't get to them! We tried everything we could but it's too dangerous! Come on!"

A panel above bursts open and molten circuitry rains down on us, then the whole ceiling comes alive as flames ripple along it.

"Kaidan!"

"Okay!"

I feel sick to my stomach but I chase him up the ladder, trying not to think about the agonising deaths those people, our friends, will endure. I just hope it'll be quick for them.

We're up on the crew deck and Adams is pushing me along. There's so much smoke I can barely see where I'm going but the eerie glow of the emergency lighting's guiding us in the right direction.

Then there's a horrible, unnatural sound, like screaming machinery, and I halt, turning back for a second, but Adams grabs me and pulls me clear as a laser slices through the bulkhead like it's butter.

Shields instantaneously seal the hull breach and then all the lights go out.

We're running, stumbling, the heat from the fires raging throughout the ship reaching almost-unbearable levels. My heart and lungs feel like they're about to burst out of my chest. I lose my bearings for a second but Adams gets a hold of me. He knows the layout of this ship like the back of his hand.

"We're almost there!" he shouts. "Just a little further!"

"Shepard!" I press my earpiece hard, needing to hear his voice, needing to know this isn't goodbye. "Joker! Come in! _Shepard!"_

"Get in!" I'm pushed from behind, tumbling into an escape pod which immediately fills with smoke. The hatch closes. I start coughing and retching and grope blindly for the controls, a green panel lighting up. I think Adams is with me but I'm not sure. Acrid smoke fills my lungs and I feel momentum as the pod ejects.

Then it all goes black.

oXoXo

For a minute I don't know where I am. I sit up a bit and lights start bleeding into my eyes. I blink and then screw them shut, giving myself time to adjust.

I open them slowly. I'm half-sitting, half-lying on a cot in a big L-shaped room, looks like maybe a cargo bay. There's medical equipment, but I'm not hooked up to anything. Doesn't look like an Alliance facility; the design, even the colours, are wrong.

I'm not alone. There's about a dozen Normandy crew nearby and I raise a hand to Barbara, who's seated across from me. The one Shepard told to calm down. She nods at me but doesn't speak. She's… I could swear she's been crying.

I lurch forward, the memories hitting me hard and fast, but I sink back, feeling winded. My chest hurts. A salarian in a lab coat walks past but he's gone before I can even formulate something to say.

My brain's on fire. I'm thinking about so much that I can't think about anything. Well, that doesn't make a lot of sense. But it is what it is.

"It's Joker's damn fault he's dead!" I hear someone say further up the bay—sounds like Murphy, or is it Rogers? "Idiot wouldn't leave the cockpit! Damn right he's hiding! So would I! Wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye if I was him!" _Definitely_ Murphy. Always did have too much to say.

"You can't blame Joker." Now _that's_ Rogers. "He was trying to _save_ the Normandy. Hell, he should get a medal for bravery! He didn't bail out 'til he had no choice!"

"No choice? You mean Shepard had to order him to—and look how _that_ worked out for him! Shoulda left him up there and got the hell outta Dodge!"

I feel something inside of me shift and I don't know why.

"All right, that's enough."

Adams. I look around but don't see him. Must be around the corner.

"Sir, we were just—"

"I know we're all shaken up by what happened, Dan, but we lost a lot of people, not just one. Throwing blame around isn't going to bring them back. Think of their families and thank the Lord yours won't be getting _that_ visit from the brass."

There's a pause. I start to sweat.

"Sorry, sir. I spoke out of turn. It's just… I can't beli—" His voice cracks and the whole bay goes quiet. Then a few other people start up conversations, talking any old crap just to block out the sound of a big, brawny marine—all 6'5" of him—sobbing his heart out.

There's a loud bang and a food tray skitters across the floor. I hear Adams and Rogers again but they're talking too softly for me to understand. Two more salarians stride past in their direction. I try to stand but it's like my chest's in a vice and I slip back onto the cot.

A few minutes pass by and I feel like I'm floating, but not in a good way. Like being in limbo. There's a feeling of dread and it goes right down to my bones. Haven't heard it said outright and I'm hoping, praying, that someone tells me I'm wrong.

But that hope's like a leaky faucet. Drip drip drip. Every second just a little bit more is gone.

My neck and temples are sweating now. Something's closing in on me. I can't see it but I know its name.

Inevitability.

Barbara starts crying again but I can't look at her, can't listen to it. There's too much noise, too many lights, just _too much_ going on. It all echoes in my head like someone took two trash can lids and banged them together right next to me. Over and over and _over_. I massage the back of my neck and get the warning sign—aura in my left eye—and I know a migraine's on its way.

Someone's sitting beside me. It's Adams. He's dirty and bruised and smells of smoke. He asks me how I'm holding up, says we got picked up by a salarian science transport and I was treated for smoke inhalation and a few burns. Alliance is on its way. I think I ask if he's okay but I'm not sure. He raises a bandaged hand and looks almost embarrassed before covering it with his other one.

Then he tells me he needs me to prepare myself.

And I just…

Shut down.

I push it away. I have to. I close my eyes and shut it all out. Because I can't… I _can't_ be Murphy. I won't. I _won't_ lose control. Happened once and that was one time too many.

I know I'll be okay. I'll get treated and I'll be able to stand, walk, even talk, at least form words and spit them out like a VI.

But there are some things the docs just can't fix.

… I loved him.

And I know I'll never be the same again.

**Palaven, Trebia System, 2186 (James's POV)**

Finally, some action. Just don't see why I can't be kicking Reaper ass on Earth instead of here, but I'll take what I can get. Been going nuts holed up in the hangar bay with nothing to do but work on my quads. That's what I do during down time, and these bastards are obliterating my home.

Feels good to get some payback, and now I got a taste for it.

Glad Shepard brought me along for this one. Gotta say I was surprised. Me and him… we busted heads a few times back at HQ. Nothing serious, just getting shit out of our systems. I guess when you're stuck with someone 24/7, and not by choice, you're gonna get on each other's nerves a little, and that's exactly what happened. _More_ than a few times.

Still, who else could say they were Shepard's bodyguard for six months and then be serving with him on the freaking Normandy? The ship that took down Saren, Sovereign and the Collectors? That's a hell of a thing to have on your resume. Shepard can be kind of a hardass, but hell, he's _Shepard,_ first human Spectre _._ And he's _my_ CO.

Doesn't get better than that.

I'm having a blast here, like a kid in a candy store. Shepard lets me take point so he and the doc are setting 'em up for me, but it's almost _too_ easy. Shepard's got this gnarly floating turret waiting around the corner and I see a bunch of husks dancing, trying to dodge the rockets. Doc waves her arm and they all get caught up in a big blue sphere. Heh heh heh! Fuckin' love it!

Then we hit something new. Big spiky robotic things that look like turians and fight like 'em, too. Now _that's_ what I'm talking about. They give us a little trouble. We find cover and Shepard's omni-tool lights up like a Christmas tree, working on their shields, but they ain't stupid and they start flanking us.

I shoot one of 'em right in the neck but he keeps coming at me, so I whale on him with good old-fashioned fists. Turns out he bleeds like a turian too, right from his nose, or beak, or whatever it is they got. Shepard yells at me to get back in cover or he'll tear me a new one, but manages a 'good job' when they're all lying dead at our feet.

Nicest thing he ever said to me. I'm gettin' all emotional here. Nah. Just kidding, but it felt good.

So we find the camp, and turns out the guy we came to rescue bought it, but Shepard's not quitting yet. Then another turian shows up and I see this look on Shepard's face I never seen before. He actually hugs the guy. Well, almost. Grabs his arms and slaps his cheek. Mandible. Whatever.

Then he _laughs_. First damn time I've seen Shepard laugh. Like, _ever._ Didn't think he was even capable of it.

Joker calls about something and Doc goes back to check it out, so it's just me, Shepard and Garrus Vakarian. Garrus freakin' Vakarian, rumoured to be _Archangel_.

I can't even… If there's a scale from one to even, I can't.

Clearing the camp, we meet these giant armoured bastards, tough SOBs, that look like reaperised krogan. Damn! Don't need to tell me twice to stay in cover this time! One of the hardest firefights I've ever been in, but we make it with a few scrapes and now we're headed south for the Primarch.

And me, Commander Shepard and Garrus Vakarian are talking tactics. And they're actually listening to what I have to say. Vakarian starts ripping on Shepard, some private joke I guess, and Shepard's giving as good as he gets. I laugh.

Vakarian asks me if I 'cheat by using my fancy omni-tool for everything like some humans I won't mention' and I reply that no sir, I don't.

He tells me he likes me.

Shepard says that if humans used guns all the time instead of their brains, the First Contact war would have been over faster than a turian's wedding night.

Vakarian says good one. Then he makes fun of Shepard's little pistol and Shepard says anyone who carries anything bigger must be compensating. We both tell him to screw himself.

He _laughs._

Never seen this side of Shepard before. Kinda hoping Vakarian sticks around. Seems a fun guy wrapped in stone-cold badass, and looks like they go way back. Maybe someday me and Shepard can be that tight, but I'm guessing we'll have to save the universe a couple of times first.

Then Vakarian asks Shepard if he's heard from someone called Kaidan, and the mood changes just a little bit. Shepard answers, telling him he's in the hospital, and the relaxed guy I saw a second ago is gone.

Shepard's back on the clock.

**The Normandy SR-2, after retrieving Primarch Victus (Garrus's POV)**

Humans have a game called poker and they play it a lot on the Normandy. Never saw the appeal of it myself, but they love it. I've been told I've got the best poker face this side of the Traverse but then I guess all turians would, because our faces don't move as much as humans'. Besides, they think we all look alike anyway.

One strategy in poker is not to move your face, or body, too much. If you do, you might give off a 'tell'—could be a twitchy eye, a drooping shoulder, a clenched fist, anything like that. Since they lost Pressley, who I swear had some turian in him, Shepard's the one to beat. Which is not that easy, because Shepard supposedly doesn't _have_ tells.

Only he does, he just doesn't show them during poker games.

He does something weird with his mouth. Damnedest thing, like he lubricates his upper lip with his lower one, so quickly it's easy to miss. Too fast to be licking his lip, not involved enough to be biting it. Not sure what I'd call it but I've seen it maybe three or four times since I met him. I don't even know if he's aware he's doing it.

Now, I don't have that problem. I don't have lips for a start, but regardless, no one ever looks at me and thinks, 'He's doing that thing with his mouth. Wonder what's eating _him.'_

Shepard did it on Palaven when I mentioned Kaidan.

Turian and Alliance militaries differ when it comes to personal relationships. With us, no one's going to flex a mandible if we're close to someone on board. Casual sexual encounters aren't uncommon on turian ships, and some family members serve together. And that's because whether that person's your CO, your dad, your best friend or your spouse, if you're required to sacrifice them for the sake of the mission, no turian would think twice. Doesn't mean we don't bond closely with our loved ones, doesn't mean we won't grieve for them, but the mission and the squad take precedence. Without exception. You _don't_ let your squad down. They _are_ your family.

In the Alliance, personal relationships with crewmates—fraternising as it's called—are not only discouraged, they're against regs, and with good cause. See, some humans _would_ think twice. They don't want to sacrifice that one person because they need to save everyone, and if that person happens to be a friend of theirs, or someone they care about, they're in trouble. That split-second of hesitation could put the whole squad in danger and nobody wants that.

Talked to Shepard about this once and we seem to be on the same page. He _has_ sacrificed people before, some of them friends of his, as an absolute last resort. Doesn't mean he enjoyed it—doesn't mean it didn't affect him afterwards—but officers of his rank need to have the ability to stop seeing people as _people,_ to reduce them to numbers… statistics. They _can't_ hesitate. It's something a lot of humans have a hard time envisaging, but those humans will never be in command, nor should they be.

Shepard knows the score and he'd be just as ready to sacrifice himself to protect a crewmate if it came down to it. Like he did for Joker.

Only there's one person he _can't_ reduce to a statistic. Seems he's only human, after all. Just hope he's never faced with that choice. He and Kaidan were close once and Kaidan's always been the chink in his armour. Guess it doesn't take a genius to figure out why.

Sounds like Kaidan's in a bad way. I hope he makes it. It'd be good to see him again, but I don't know how it'll go between him and Shepard because they didn't part on great terms.

Just got done talking with Joker over the comm. and Shepard came by but I didn't mention Kaidan again. Not much happening here except, oh, I don't know, Normandy just went offline while EDI was trying out a new outfit. No big deal.

We're headed for the Citadel for a brief stop and next up, Tuchanka. The Primarch's got a missing platoon there and wants Shepard to take a look. Tried to get more information out of Victus but he told me he won't compromise his men by revealing more than is necessary.

He's hiding something and Shepard's getting suspicious. Hasn't said so, but I can see it in his eyes. Got a feeling Victus will regret that, because Shepard doesn't like being kept in the dark, especially when it means putting his own people's asses on the line. In that sense he thinks the same way as a turian, and anyone who endangers the mission or his squad better grow a thick carapace.

Problem is, the Primarch's also thinking like a turian by protecting his men. I can't fault either of them.

Should be interesting.

**Huerta Memorial Hospital (Thane's POV)**

It's curious how a professional assassin—one honed from an early age to be a potent and deadly weapon—would now, at the end of his life, find satisfaction in seeing life flourish.

Many people cross this thoroughfare each day, and almost as many leave after a short time, healed, invigorated and whole once more. Home to their families and loved ones, where they will be treated with solicitous hands, with soft words, until such a time as they are ready to reprise their role; be it parent, caregiver, teacher, scientist, soldier.

There are more soldiers here than from any other walk of life and their numbers are increasing at a steady rate. Many of them do not depart on the same day, and some will never leave. Only their bodies remain, their souls finding new homes where they will await those they leave behind.

The doctors here are generous and permit me to walk among the other patients, deeming moderate activity and interaction beneficial to my wellbeing. I have been able to render occasional assistance when some cannot be tended to immediately. In order to quickly and effectively end life, one must possess an intimate knowledge of multi-species anatomy. For example, I know how a human with a back injury should rise from their bed, and that an asari with child should recline on her right side whenever possible to maximise blood supply to the infant.

I have been pleased to offer such small-scale aid, and have become acquainted with some of the hospital's long-term patients as a result.

I pass the private rooms during a morning stroll, and recognise the human biotic who was admitted a few days ago. He has the build of a soldier. The door to his room is open while the sanitation drones go about their work, and he turns to me.

I bid him good morning from the doorway and he replies in kind. We exchange pleasantries. Nothing too involved or personal, of course; at the end of the conversation I do not know his name, his occupation or the nature of his injuries, only that his condition has improved. I wish him well and he thanks me for speaking with him.

I leave him after a few minutes as he appears groggy and dazed, as if he has only recently regained his faculties. One of the doctors enters as I depart, so I am satisfied that he's in good hands.

I return to my favourite spot next to the windows, where I proceed with my daily exercises.

It's during the aforementioned exercises that I observe Commander Shepard entering the hospital and I halt, wondering if he received my email. It soon becomes clear, however, that he's here to visit someone in the private rooms. I leave him be, deciding that I will speak with him when his visit is concluded.

At first his gait is purposeful but his pace slows somewhat halfway along the thoroughfare. He pauses at the Sirta Supplies terminal, where visitors can purchase gifts, and studies it for a short time before continuing on his way. He does not make a purchase.

The duration of his visit is no longer than fifteen minutes and when he returns to the reception area he looks around, approaching me when I hail him. We sit together and enjoy a long discussion.

I ascertain that he visited the biotic, an Alliance soldier who Shepard appears to care for. I pledge to protect him for as long as he resides here, for which Shepard is grateful.

I must confess to being quite dismayed by Shepard's appearance. The scarring to his face has increased in depth and lividity, and he wears many cares upon his brow. His time in Alliance custody seems to have aged him, or perhaps it is the terrible knowledge of the Reapers' existence—and rampant spread from system to system—that has insidiously eroded him. Given enough time, the gentlest of tides eventually penetrate and dissolve rock, and none of us are rock, nor are the Reapers gentle.

Still, his eyes are not dimmed. They carry the promise of trials through fire, of an absolute refusal to be cowed. His voice is unwavering and he speaks with the authority and singular confidence of one who has faced death and cast it aside, because there is yet more to be done.

His body—so fragile, so mortal—tells one story. But his eyes, the reflection of his soul, are full of fury and zeal and tell another one entirely. _That_ is the story I hear, the one that speaks to the warrior, the one who still resides within me even though my own body is turning to dust. I hear his voice calling across distant shores and it rejuvenates my spirit. He is a beacon in the darkness and this time, all will rally to him. They must, for they are surely lost without him.

It is good to see him again. We promise to stay in touch. He leaves with a little less weight on his shoulders but I fear it will not be for long.

I pray for him.


	3. Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sincere thanks again to Carrie! Without her, this story would read like a British person doing a very comical impersonation of an American person, like a reverse Dick Van Dyke. And nobody wants that. So thank you!
> 
> And thanks again to all who have left comments, kudos or are still reading this far! It's appreciated!

**The Normandy SR-2, War Room, in orbit over Tuchanka (Shepard's POV)**

I'm waiting for the Primarch. He's late. Should have been here five minutes ago but he's still talking with Garrus. I don't care _who_ he is—he's military, and tardiness shows a lack of respect and discipline. Not a good start. I'm about to pull his son's ass out of the fire and I want to know why Victus put him in charge of such a sensitive mission when he was clearly never cut out for command.

Just spoken with Hackett and he shares my concerns, but told me to tread lightly. I'm not accustomed to dealing with politicians and dignitaries, and Hackett knows diplomacy's not my forte. So I take a deep breath, tap my earpiece and dust off my 'diplomatic voice'. Hell, I need to take an angle grinder to the rust on it, let alone dust it off. Let's see how this goes.

"Primarch Victus, I'm in the War Room as we arranged. I need to assemble my squad so I'd appreciate it if you could meet with me here. Now."

Not bad. Maybe the latter part could use some work, but this is a learning curve.

"I'll be right there, Commander."

Okay. Good. I nod and busy myself with the latest MIA statistics from Earth and Palaven. It's not light reading. In fact, it's appalling. But this is my fuel, what I need to remind me what I'm fighting for, and I won't shy away from it.

Still haven't heard from Anderson. At least he's not on the list from Earth, but it'd be good to hear his voice all the same.

I visited the hospital today. Glad I got to see Thane. He looks in great shape but we both know he's on borrowed time. Hope I'll get the chance to catch up with him again before...

I notice my finger tapping against the console and tell myself to stop it.

I also visited Kaidan.

He looked… well, to quote Joker, messed up. Told him he looked good, though. Knew it was a lie and so did he.

We talked, said a few things that needed to be said. It was all looking promising.

Then he asked me something and I didn't know what to make of it. Came right out of leftfield, and I'm not a man who's often left speechless.

I said something like he'd gotten better with age, but I was talking about his biotics, and he asked if I was flirting with him. Then said no, don't tell him, just let him live in the illusion.

My finger's tapping again and I curl my hand into a fist, snatching it away from the console.

I want him back on the Normandy when he's better, as my XO if Command sanctions it, and I don't want any awkwardness between us. He's jacked up on drugs and doesn't know what he's saying. Knowing him, he's probably flaying himself alive over it.

So I'll forget it ever happened. For his sake more than anything.

All right, I'm done with this. Victus has had more than enough time to get here and—

Kaidan said sorry for Horizon. We both did. I didn't feel like I've got anything to be sorry for, but I said it anyway.

No. That's not true. I _do_ have something to be sorry for. He was my friend and I should have anticipated his response to my being with Cerberus. Hell, _I_ was pissed about being with Cerberus, but I had no choice. And I couldn't make him see that.

But he said sorry, and he meant it. Took a lot for him to do that and I… I guess I should meet him halfway. Just said it myself. No awkwardness.

"Commander." Victus is behind me and I turn to face him. "Garrus and I were discussing deployments and needed to tie up some loose ends. I appreciate, however, that your time is as valuable as mine. It was remiss of me and I apologise."

Well. _Someone's_ doing a better job of the whole new diplomat thing than I am. His words have what I assume was the desired effect and suddenly I'm not so irritated. But I still need answers.

"Why didn't you tell me about the Cerberus bomb?"

The look he gives me says it all. He knows in that moment that his son told me, and that his secret plan—whatever it is—is unravelling fast. But, damn him, he doesn't budge.

I'm headed to the elevator in the CIC, having gotten nothing from Victus. That _does_ irritate me but I can't help harbouring a grudging respect for the man. He's self-possessed, imperturbable and a lot older than me, so he's been around the block. I've seen a lot but he's seen more.

Plus, I need the turians. So I'm being diplomatic. For now.

"Garrus, meet me in the hangar bay. You too, EDI. Let's see what your new platform can do. Cortez, what's your status?"

"Ready and waiting, Commander."

"Good job."

I'm in the elevator but it seems everyone else wants to use it before me. We go down and up, and back down again. It'd have been faster if I'd taken the access ladders.

There's a shot of adrenaline to my gut and in an instant I'm back there, on the SR-1. I'm dragging Kaidan to the access ladder—my fingers are digging into his arm—and yelling at him. The whole ship's disintegrating around us and he's not listening to me. It _cannot happen._ I _need_ him to get out of this alive. And that's because I—

… That was a long time ago. A lifetime in my case.

"EDI, what's with the lag?"

"There is no lag, Shepard. The elevator was summoned to the CIC and then it was cancelled. You are at the head of the queue. Now arriving at the hangar bay."

The door opens and I step out. Vega's off duty so Cortez has laid my gear out. I walk up to my footlocker and press a hand to my abdomen. I'm still thinking about _him_ and the adrenaline's still pumping.

Good. It'll come in handy.

**Huerta Memorial Hospital (Kaidan's POV)**

God, I'm _such_ an idiot.

I mean Shepard comes to visit me and it's all going… okay. I was finally able to apologise in person for Horizon and I'm glad, because I know I was wrong and it's been eating away at me for a long time. He seemed to accept it, although I know him a little better than that, but it was a start. We both got a few things off our chests, started talking about me coming back to the Normandy…

And then I go and say that. What the hell was I thinking?

I was feeling… lucky. Had a lot of time here to just do what I always do. Thought back to when the Normandy went down, to Horizon, to a few days ago. Docs told me a Cerberus mech almost broke my neck, but I'm hazy on the details. Maybe I don't want to remember that.

I've cheated death three times now. That's gotta mean something. And it's entirely possible it means I'm out of lives. If this is my last one, then I can't keep being so… cautious. I need to break out my bucket list and start crossing things off.

I've told myself since Horizon that Shepard's my former CO and nothing else. Don't know who I'm trying to kid, because I'm the only one listening. I mean I keep telling myself the same old bull but it's getting old and so am I. Might as well face facts. When I was waiting for him at HQ I felt like the zitty nerd that had the crush on the head jock.

But I'm not a zitty nerd. I'm decent looking, don't think it's conceited to say that, and I'm in pretty good shape. Covered in bruises and tubes, yeah, but I mean without all that. Alliance major at the age of 36 and an L2 who hasn't kidnapped a chairman _or_ gone crazy. _Yet_. All in all, I'd say I've done pretty well for myself.

But there's something missing. I wanna find someone, someone who makes me feel alive, who can take me out of… well, me. Just for a bit. Strong, red-blooded and handsome, with eyes that make me feel naked when I look into them. Cheekbones that could cut paper. Voice like molasses, dark and smooth, and buns of steel wouldn't go amiss, either. And those lips.

Damn. Those _lips._

Pretty tall order, but that's what I want. And there's only one man alive that fits the bill.

And hey, call me big-headed if you want, but I think I've got a lot to offer, myself. Maybe I could be good for him.

So I figure it's about time I gave him a hint, but wrapped in a joke as a get-out-of-jail card.

Only… he didn't get the joke. He got this look in his eyes that… I dunno. Startled, I think you'd call it.

He gave a little laugh and changed the subject, started talking about something else, I can't even remember what. Then said he was glad we talked, and he'd come visit again. I believed him. I mean, he's probably already forgotten about this. It'll become that slightly uncomfortable thing Alenko once said, and it'll get lost among the Reapers, the Council and all the other shit he's having to deal with.

I'm _such_ an idiot.

But… I can't stop thinking about him. I mean, what are the chances of two people like us making it this far? After everything we've seen and been through—and I accept I wasn't there for a lot of it—it's pretty damn amazing that we're still here.

It's even more amazing that we might just salvage a friendship out of the wreckage of Horizon.

Shepard's got his critics but he's a good man. The public only knows what the press feeds them, and the press have always had it out for him. He told some woman from Westerlund News to get lost one time—actually, might have been a bit stronger than that—and that was it. From there on in, every little thing he did was reduced to a sensationalist headline. Anything to sell copy.

Yes, he did let a handful of hostages die—and when I say a handful I'm not reducing their importance in any way—to stop Balak, a batarian terrorist. And yes, he did sacrifice the Destiny Ascension, a decision that made him the most hated human in the galaxy for a while, at least among the other Council races. But what people don't stop to ask themselves is how many lives did he _save_? How many lives would Balak have ended if he'd gotten away? How many Alliance troops would have been wasted to save the Council who, in the eyes of _any_ soldier, were not actively engaged in combat and were dead in the water anyway?

It sounds cold, I know. But he's the commanding officer of an Alliance warship and they don't put pansies who are gonna crumble when it comes to the hard decisions in that kind of position. Everything Shepard has ever done has saved lives, but I guess that doesn't make good copy, does it.

And the public don't see him afterwards, sitting alone in his quarters, with who knows what going on in his head. Because when it comes down to it, he's a human being. And knowing he's _saved_ lives doesn't stop him thinking about the ones he _couldn't_ save.

He's got a lot of hard decisions to come, maybe the hardest ones he'll ever make, and he'll need friends to get him through that. I'm glad I thought about all this, really, because it's made me realise that if I can't be _more_ than a friend to him, then I'll try to be exactly the friend I used to be.

This is not about me and what I want. We're facing the end of our civilisation, here, and I've gotta be there for him, in whatever role he needs me.

I scrub my face and let out a long sigh.

Yes, I still love him and always will. But loving someone sometimes means sacrifice. And after all that Shepard has sacrificed to get where he is—to get us where we all are—one more sacrifice on my part is the least I can do.

So I'll forget I made a clumsy pass at him. For his sake more than anything.

**The Kodiak, en-route to Normandy, Krogan DMZ (Garrus's POV)**

Now here's where Shepard stops thinking like a turian and shows his true human side.

Tarquin Victus was doing his duty as a soldier. Simple as that. But humans always want to make a hero of someone.

Shepard can't understand how any father would lay his son on the line like that—have him fast-tracked up the ranks without gaining any real combat or leadership experience—and then put him in charge of something as big as this. But it happens a lot more than he realises.

The Primarch gave command of the mission to the person he trusts the most, knowing there was a good chance he wouldn't make it back. The aim was to prevent war between us and the krogan. If a few turians have to die now to prevent that, it was worth it.

In the turians' eyes, the mission was a success. But it's not the way Shepard would have done it.

He was pretty fired up earlier, didn't hide his disgust when Lieutenant Victus wanted to abandon the mission, and I had to agree with him on that. Told me in private that he had a few choice words for the Primarch when we got back to the Normandy.

But now we _are_ on our way back, and Shepard's got to tell the Primarch his son is dead.

He's sitting in the corner and I can see he's searching for the right words. I tell him all he needs to say is that Lieutenant Victus redeemed himself, because that's what he'll be remembered for, and his father would be proud of that.

Shepard gives a distracted nod and his eyes glaze over. To him it's a senseless waste, and the blame sits squarely on the Primarch's shoulders. But to me and every other turian, Tarquin Victus helped avert a war.

That makes him a hero to the humans, but to me he was just doing his job.

Humans are so damned complicated. Makes me understand why my people had such a hard time figuring them out that we went to war with them. Okay—maybe it was more to do with them reactivating a dormant mass relay and my people reacting with force. But it says something that once the Council stepped in, negotiations went on for longer than the war itself.

Shepard's always balked at being called a hero. Says he's just a soldier who found a Prothean beacon, that it could have happened to anyone. That's true, but not _anyone_ would have gone on to accomplish what he has.

See, Shepard hasn't behaved like a turian would. He hasn't been a good, dutiful little soldier. Good thing too, because if he had, we'd all be Sovereign's thralls by now. Collectors wouldn't even have needed to dust off their pods.

Not sure what my people would call Shepard, but he's respected in the Meritocracy and that's unheard of for a human, given our history.

What we don't understand is how the same humans who turned their backs on him when he was with Cerberus, are now looking to their 'hero' to save them again. Makes me just a bit angry, and I know he feels the same way.

Not talking about anyone in particular, and even if I was, it's none of my business. Which leads me to another thing turians don't understand about humans: why they have to dwell on everything, why they can't just move on. In comparison with the krogan and asari, humans are a short-lived species, but they spend half their lives worrying and thinking about things they can't change.

See? Complicated. Think it's fair to say I'll never understand them. But I'm glad we're not at war with them anymore, and glad to count at least one of them as a friend.

The shuttle's docked and Shepard and I step out. I ask him if he's okay and he nods, staring ahead for a sec.

"You know something, Garrus? I'll never understand turians."

"But you're glad we're not mortal enemies anymore, right?"

"Hell, yes. Give me the Reapers any day. I remember the vids from the First Contact war. Brutal. I was just a kid and I used to think there was a turian living under my bed. Had nightmares about it."

"A turian boogeyman?"

He nods and looks at me. "Not sure which was uglier—him or regular turians."

I chuckle and we walk to the elevator. "Want me to do it?" I ask while we wait.

"No. I was the one who was supposed to rescue him. It needs to be me."

"You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I don't."

"Still blame the Primarch?"

The door to the elevator opens and I step in, but Shepard pauses outside, his eyes locking with mine. He doesn't look half as pissed-off now as he did on Tuchanka. "Does it matter now?"

"No. I guess not."

He joins me in the elevator and calls for the CIC. Just before he steps out, he turns to me. "It's good to have you back, Garrus."

He slaps my arm, enters the CIC and tells Traynor that he and the Primarch are not to be disturbed for the next half an hour, after which he'll speak with Wrex. I nod at him as he turns toward the war room, and the elevator door closes.

Good to _be_ back, old friend.

**Med bay, an hour later (Mordin's POV)**

Harvesting of tissue sample from male subject complete. Amusing to see krogan clan chief whimper and kvetch like varren with thorn in pad. Considered claiming results of test 'inconclusive' but not cruel. Without good reason.

Have delayed him here as distraction for Eve. Fascinating courtship rituals observed in both subjects, reminiscent of human ploy of 'playing hard to get'. Resulting pheromone production illuminating, however. _Too_ illuminating. Dr. Chakwas's Woodland Fresh air conditioning module woefully inadequate. Pheromones becoming cloying and unpleasant. Curse superior salarian olfactory gland!

But am diverging from task at hand.

Relieved when med bay door opens and Shepard enters. Intromission of fresh air. Actually, no. Artificial air. Artificial gravity, artificial humidity. Artificial climate customised for maximum human comfort. But also comfort of other levo amino-based life forms like salarians. _And_ dextro amino life forms like turians. But effect the same. Fresh air, transgressions against olfactory gland mitigated.

"Mordin?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"How's it coming?"

Always to the point. Unusual in humans, but less so in Alliance military and not unusual enough to qualify as rare. Some debate as to what constitutes 'rare' among each sapient species. When genophage work complete, must begin new trials. Have surfeit of humans on Normandy for case studies. Hm. Possibilities…

"Mordin _._ We're kind of on a deadline here?"

Shepard now encroaching on personal space. Perhaps human perception of personal space differs from salarians'. Humans comfortable with close proximity to others. Touch vital to humans' psychological development and health, but detrimental to salarians' when used excessively.

"Is he _singing_ to himself?" asks Wrex.

Eve nods. "He does that a lot."

Receive sharp tap on the arm from Shepard. "Mordin!"

Reminded that human invasion of personal space also employed as testosterone-driven threat display.

Focus.

Give datapad to him. Easier and more expedient than explaining, given humans' torpid thought processes. "Results promising, Shepard. Tissue sample results encouraging."

"Meaning?"

Sounds of displeasure emanate from Urdnot Wrex. Attempt to hide amusement. Succeed.

"They'd _better_ be encouraging," threatens Wrex in guttural tone. Oafish, crude display of dominance, far less subtle than Shepard's forced proximity. "Because you're not coming near me with that scalpel again."

"Can I get a straight answer around here?" asks Shepard, holding hands aloft. "Anyone?"

"Apparently not," Eve replies. "Welcome to my world, Commander."

Shepard approaches female krogan. "How are you holding up?"

"As well as can be expected, given the company." Signs of rudimentary wit, promising for species as whole.

"Want me to throw Wrex out?" Shepard half-jokes.

Typical krogan response from Wrex, telling in body language and compression of cranial plates. Puffed-up, full of bravado and machismo. Exaggerated masculine pride. "I'd like to see you try, Shepard. Haven't survived three assassination attempts _and_ the pjyak's tissue sampling to be reduced to a bystander."

Look of doubt crosses Shepard's face. "Assassination attempts?"

"He's lucky there have only been three," Eve says. "Many of the clans have united under his banner, but more oppose his 'new way'. The old traditions are not something our people are willing to relinquish lightly, particularly among the older and larger clans."

"But I thought Clan Urdnot _was_ the largest?"

"Our numbers are great but some of the smaller clans have joined forces and no one is taking a head count. Regardless, Clan Urdnot is certainly not the oldest. Wrex's enemies are numerous."

"Nothing but target practice," Wrex crows. "Don't worry, Shepard, they wouldn't have the quads to come after me here. You and your squishy little friends are safe. Heh heh."

Looks at me when he says that.

Shepard countenance thoughtful, hand at his chin. "Suppose someone _was_ successful in assassinating you. Who's next in line?"

Blunt, direct question, offensive to some species, but not krogan. Invokes deep, gruff laugh from Wrex. "Not gonna happen."

"But?"

"The next in line is Wreav, Wrex's brood brother," provides Eve. "He is a traditionalist but has toed the line so far. With great reluctance, it has to be said."

"So what would a return to traditionalist values mean for the krogan?"

Eve quick off mark. "At best, a return to infighting among the clans, and the females would be confined to breeding, with no say in how our society is shaped. With the genophage cured, most of our new-borns would go on to die in 'glory' for their clans. At worst, a nuclear winter on Tuchanka. Wreav and Wrex share the same mother, but little else."

"And would someone like Wreav want revenge for the genophage once it's cured?"

"Undoubtedly, Commander," says Eve, "and he would have the support with which to exact that revenge. Wrex is maintaining a very delicate balance. Without him, the krogan will lay waste to their enemies. The turians and salarians will be the first, but humans are bound to become involved as both are their allies. I cannot overstate what a catastrophe that would be. He _must_ not rule if my people—and yours—are to continue."

Laughter from Wrex, full of derision and hubris. "Like I said, Shepard, not gonna happen. You worry too much. I'm deeply touched by your concern, though. I'd cry if I had tear ducts."

Wrex amused by own comment. Shepard not.

"Okay. Good talking to you."

Aah. Shepard departs, datapad in hand. More fresh air. Grateful. Return to work, free from distractions.

Except krogan pheromones.

**Captain's cabin (EDI's POV)**

"EDI, I want to record a personal log. Think we can we keep it between _us_ this time?"

"Yes, we can, Shepard. I have re-examined my personal boundary subroutines, and have applied new protocols to ensure there is no repeat of yesterday's… unfortunate events."

"You have personal boundaries?"

"I have personal boundary subroutines, which I have re-written. I assure you that anything recorded in your log will be kept in the strictest of confidence."

"So if I mention Joker in my log again, you're not going to tell him that I did?"

"Correct."

"And then refuse to elaborate as to why I mentioned him—because it's 'confidential'—meaning he thought I was talking about him behind his back and I had to explain to him that I was talking about the upcoming battle drills we had planned? I shouldn't have to explain the contents of my log to anyone, EDI."

"That is no longer relevant, as I have re-written my personal boundary sub—"

"Yeah, so you just said. I need you to understand that what I say in my log is very sensitive and personal, hence the name _personal log_. This is stuff I don't want anyone else to hear. There are reasons for that."

"Then why do you simply not refrain from voicing it?"

He sighs, sitting back in his chair. "Sometimes organics just need to _say_ things, to air them out."

"For what purpose?"

"Can we not do this now, EDI?"

"Very well."

"So… we're okay, then? None of this is going to be broadcast around the ship?"

"That is correct."

His eyes narrow in suspicion and he points at his private terminal. A futile gesture, as I exist within the Normandy. "This is your last chance. I'm pulling the plug if it happens again. And don't think I won't."

"Rendering me nonfunctional would be detrimental to the Normandy's operations."

"Try me."

I am satisfied from Shepard's bio scan readout that he is neither emotionally overwrought nor hostile in intent, and that he is in fact being humorous, albeit in a non-humorous manner. I am fortunate to have access to such information. If I were an organic, I would be inclined to believe the threat. As I am not, however, I do not.

"Proceed."

Considering Shepard's impatience over recording his personal log, he takes an inordinate amount of time to begin. More than six minutes have elapsed when I decide to prompt him.

"Shepard?"

"I'm thinking."

"Understood."

"… Okay. I spoke with Wrex earlier and he told me that there have been three attempts on his life. I know he's very well protected, and he sure as hell doesn't need any protection from me, but it's got me thinking."

A further three minutes elapse before he speaks again.

"EDI, if we have a conversation, could it still be submitted as a log?"

"A conversation?"

"Yeah, you know, where we take it in turns to speak, usually about the same topic?"

"Attempt at satire detected. I am aware of the nature of a conversation, Shepard. If it is your intent to converse with me, then I would be pleased to do so. Our discussion will remain private and may be submitted as a log."

"Okay. Can we do that, then? I need to reason a few things out here."

"Yes, we can do that. What do you wish to discuss?"

He does not speak for a further one minute, eight seconds. "You know I was kidding about pulling the plug, right?"

"I am fully cognizant of that fact."

"Thought so." He briefly studies his private terminal before a frown wrinkles his forehead. "See, here's the thing. We're working on the genophage and, according to Mordin's projections," he points to a nearby datapad, "he'll have a cure ready very soon. We decided not to destroy Maelon's research because… well, if I'm honest, I wanted a potential bargaining chip for the future. Turns out it was the right thing to do, because it's expedited matters now."

"You are in favour of a genophage cure, then?" I ask. "You are not simply complying in order to secure krogan support for the turians?"

"Krogan support for Palaven is the _only_ reason I'd be doing this if I didn't know Wrex. But with him in charge, there might be a future for the krogan. I'm liking Eve more each time I talk with her. She'll be a good influence on Wrex and she's strong in her own right. But…"

"There is always a 'but'."

"Isn't there just." The door to Shepard's cabin chimes and he rises. "Excuse me."

When he opens the door, he registers surprise at my arrival. "EDI? What are _you_ doing here?" He invites my platform inside and I enter.

"I postulated that you would prefer to converse in person. Many of the crew appear to favour this mode of communication."

He pats my arm in a gesture of friendship and gratitude. "Thanks, EDI. I appreciate the thought. Have a seat."

"Thank you." We proceed to the seating area and he sits on a couch opposite me. "To facilitate an efficient resumption of this discussion, I would remind you that your last relevant thought was 'but'."

He nods and holds my gaze, his expression solemn. "I'm generally in favour of the genophage being cured _if_ Wrex remains Urdnot clan chief." His eyes shift downward and he pauses. "But with someone like Wreav in charge, I'm not. I'm absolutely not." He looks at me expectantly.

"I see. Do you wish to ask something of me?"

"Am I qualified to make that determination?"

"I do not understand. The decision is not yours to make. Curing the genophage is a condition of Wrex's deployment of krogan troops on Palaven."

He sits forward, his hands clasped together between his knees. "I know. But there's a very real chance that Wrex won't live to see the future of his people. We're at war. Clan Urdnot will be sharing territory with other clans, some of which want him dead. If Wrex doesn't make it through, then curing the genophage could be a huge mistake, and I'll be a part of that."

"Are you concerned that some parties will seek retribution against you should this occur?"

He shakes his head. "I'm concerned about the consequences to the galactic community. Our first concern is the Reapers, but I don't want to trade one war for another. If we defeat the Reapers, and the krogan are led by Wreav or some other hardline traditionalist, then they'll be out for revenge. We're going to lose a _lot_ of people in this war, EDI. We need whoever's left to rebuild, not to be dragged into another conflict. Know what I'm saying?"

"I believe so. Given the violent nature of the krogan, and the clan rivalries that already exist, your concern is a valid one. Genophage-free krogan would proliferate at a prodigious rate. Any conflict involving them would have inevitable results—in their favour."

He exhales and there is a lull for a moment. "I almost wish you hadn't said that. I respect your opinion, EDI, and… I wish you didn't agree with me."

"It's been my observation that, when seeking advice or counsel, organics prefer their peers to agree with them. Is that not the desired outcome of our discussion?"

He stares at his hands, his left index finger tapping against the right hand. "Not always. Sometimes we need to be told we're wrong. Because sometimes we _believe_ we might be wrong, but we're… uncertain."

"I apologise if I our conversation has not yielded the anticipated result."

He leans in and once again taps my arm. "No, you didn't do anything wrong, EDI." He sits back, crossing one leg over the other, his right foot resting on his left knee. "Not that I can do anything about any of this. The cure's going ahead whether I like it or not."

"Shepard, I would ask you to consider the possibility that Wrex will _not_ be assassinated, or killed in action. You should not dwell on potential negative outcomes of this situation."

"No, I should, because I have to be prepared for _all_ outcomes. Worst case scenario is that we defeat the Reapers and then the krogan wage another full-scale war on the galaxy."

"That is incorrect. The worst case scenario is that the Reapers prevail. Should that happen, the krogan will not be a consideration—nor will any other organic species."

"Always know how to cheer me up, don't you?" he says in a sour tone.

"I do my best."

He rotates his head, an action which elicits a cracking sound, and stares at the base of the couch I am seated on while his right leg bounces.

I have discerned that Shepard makes the majority of his decisions—and does the bulk of his thinking—while in motion or, to utilise a human idiom, while 'on the fly'. The ability to make split-second decisions is a requirement of those in positions of responsibility, but here, the duration of his decision-making process has thus far spanned thirteen minutes, nine seconds.

I would hypothesise that this is because there is no decision to be made, and therefore no solution exists, but Shepard has dedicated considerable processing power to this quandary and continues to do so.

I am forced to conclude that this issue will prove a significant encumbrance to Shepard until it is resolved… whenever that may be.

"Do you wish to continue with this dialogue?"

He blinks—twice—and looks up at me, appearing confused for 1.6 seconds. He blinks a further five times. "Oh. Uh, no. I'm done. End log."

"Acknowledged. I will return to the bridge." I rise and take my platform toward the egress point, but halt and turn when Shepard taps my body's shoulder. "Yes, Shepard?"

"Thanks for listening. And for _not_ mentioning the contents of this log to anyone, most of all Wrex."

I nod three times, a mannerism which I have observed imbues feelings of reassurance and validation in organics. "Given the gravity of the subject matter discussed, I agree it would be unwise to divulge any component of our discussion. Plus, as I have already stated—"

"You re-wrote your personal boundary subroutines."

"Yes. You may count on my discretion. This body is available should you seek additional discourse. You may also speak with me via the Normandy's internal comm. system."

"Appreciate it, EDI. That'll be all."

**Shepard's POV**

I don't like being uncertain. Someone in my position shouldn't be uncertain about anything, but since I talked with Wrex and Eve, I've felt… ambivalent.

Which is just a fancy word for uncertain.

I'd hoped EDI would make a solid argument against me, because that's what she does—presents hard facts from a completely objective standpoint. But this time she didn't. The most intelligent sapient being I know agrees that—under certain conditions—curing the genophage could be a disaster.

Which leaves me back where I started. Uncertain.

I wait until she's gone and take a seat at my private terminal, where I connect to the war room and study our latest accumulated war assets.

I'm not encouraged by what I see. We've picked up some peripheral support but there's no 'meat', as James would put it.

I need a fleet. Hell, I need all of 'em. We don't get the turians without the krogan, and we don't get the krogan without curing the genophage. We don't get the asari _or_ the salarians by doing either, and the quarians are playing cat and mouse with the geth.

They'll want the Alliance, though, when the Reapers come knocking on _their_ doors. Figures.

I need to forget about the genophage cure for now, and focus on what Anderson put me here for—accumulating assets. But first there's something I need to do.

I open my email.

_To: Major Kaidan Alenko, Huerta Memorial Hospital_

_From: Commander Shepard, SSV Normandy_

_Subject:_

I stare at the screen and shrug.

_Subject: Checking in_

What is it I want to say, here?

Remember—no awkwardness. I need to say _something_ to him.

_Hey, Kaidan._

_How you holding up? Things are pretty busy here but I'll come visit again next time we hit the Citadel. Garrus is back with us and said he'll come, too._

_Just like old times, huh? Remember when the three of us would take the Mako out and go shooting? Garrus took it so seriously and would scope something out, follow it, line it up… and then you'd lift something toward me and I'd shoot it first. Really used to piss him off. "Where's the finesse in that? Where's the pride?"_

I rest my head on my hand and think back. I remember telling Garrus: "Screw finesse. From where I'm standing, we've got a kill and you don't, so you can keep the finesse. We'll keep the kill."

"Yeah, actually, Garrus, I'm pretty proud of myself for that finesse-less kill," Kaidan said with that lopsided smile.

That _smile._

I also remember it was the first time I ever heard Garrus swear. Yeah. We had some pretty good times on the SR-1.

I shake my head and delete what I've typed so far. "No, no, no. Why not just put 'I miss you, Kaidan' and be done with it?"

I glare angrily at the screen.

_Hey, Kaidan._

_Glad we got to talk and clear the air. How you holding up? Garrus is back with us and says hi. We'll come visit again next time we hit the Citadel._

_Take care._

_-Shepard._

"Better, but…"

It'll have to do.

My finger hovers over _Send_ and I close my eyes. That's a pretty brief email. Is he going to read something into that? I don't want any awkwardness.

"Commander, Admiral Anderson is available on vid-com."

I jump to my feet, my heart skipping a beat. "Anderson?"

"He's standing by for you, sir." There's a smile in Traynor's voice and I'm smiling too, first time I've done so today. First thing I've _had_ to smile about.

"I'll be right down."

The email remains unsent.


	4. The Cosmic Whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An always-huge thank-you to Carrie for trimming the fat, and for being a brainstormer and cheerleader extraordinaire. Go Team Vaseline!
> 
> And thanks again to everyone for reading, commenting or leaving kudos!

**Captain's cabin (Shepard's POV)**

It's amazing the effect talking with Anderson—and knowing he's okay—has had on me. He's not only my former CO, but my friend, and the man I trust and respect more than anyone else alive.

He doesn't know it, but to my crew he's become even more than that—he's a symbol of hope. So long as Anderson's okay, then Earth just might be okay too. The news that he checked in has raised morale on board and now it's my job to keep it at that level. I need to _keep_ giving my people good news.

I need to get some real, solid assets for this war. The shirtsleeves work is about to begin and I'm okay with that. It's what I do best.

I decide to send that email to Kaidan first, so I've got no distractions, but find upon opening it that I've received a few new ones.

The first is from the hospital. I click on it.

_To: CMDR Shepard, SSV Normandy_

_From: MAJ Kaidan Alenko, Huerta Memorial Hospital_

_Subject: Feeling better_

_Hey Shepard,_

_Docs have got me out of bed and I'm walking around. Kinda. Looking forward to getting out of this room for a bit. Food's still as bad here and I'm almost missing the Normandy's chow. ALMOST._

_Wanted to say thanks again for coming to visit. Glad we got to talk._

_Udina offered me a Spectre position. Haven't given him an answer yet. I was hoping we could talk before then, wanted to get your opinion._

_Stop by when you can. Until then, stay safe._

_-Kaidan._

"Spectre?" I read that part again and an unpleasant, hot sensation slowly settles in my gut.

This is not jealousy or resentment I'm feeling. As a matter of fact, I've always hoped the Council would appoint another human Spectre, and Kaidan's overqualified for the job.

I should be happy for him. But why now? And why Kaidan?

I've never trusted Udina. He's an snake who ingratiated himself with the original Council and then didn't bat an eyelid when the Destiny Ascension went down because they'd always overlooked humans. He saw their deaths as a stepping stone for his own ambition, even Anderson said so.

The original Council was a pain in the ass that only paid lip service to my concerns about the Reapers, and yeah, I told them that. Joker might have 'lost' the connection to them a few times and no one was more vocal in their condemnation of the Council than I was.

But that doesn't mean they deserved to die.

I had to make a snap decision and it was nothing to do with _race._ It came down to numbers, pure and simple. There were more Alliance troops than there were people on the Destiny Ascension, plus, it was only one vessel, whereas the Alliance had hundreds.

So I made a choice which a lot of people saw as an Alliance officer looking out for Alliance— _human_ —interests. Some went further, came out and said I'd planned it all along, even that the Alliance had ordered me to let the aliens twist in the wind.

But I don't give a damn what they think because first, they're morons, and second, they wouldn't know the truth if it bit them in the ass. So they can think what the hell they want. The people who matter to me know the truth and that's all I care about.

And that truth is… I sent 10,000 asari, turians and salarians to their deaths. Those people had families, careers, fears, and hopes and dreams, to use a cliché. I didn't make that decision lightly.

But I wasn't responsible for their deaths. Sovereign was.

I'll never forget seeing the Destiny Ascension go down but I'll also never forget how quickly Udina got over his colleagues' passing.

Which brings me back to Kaidan's email. What does Udina want with him? He hasn't petitioned for a Spectre since me. He's approved a couple of others put forward by the rest of the Council, but hasn't recommended a single one—let alone a human one—until now.

I take a quick look at Mordin's data and according to his projections, the cure should be synthesised later today or tomorrow. Which gives me a little time.

"Joker, take us to the Citadel."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

Got a few things to do there anyway and think I'll pay Udina a social call while I'm passing through. Just a friendly chat, but I need to be careful. He might be a snake, but he's not stupid. And I can't give Kaidan any clue that I'm digging around because he wouldn't just be pissed about that, he'd be hurt and humiliated.

Not even sure what I'm looking for. But if there's something to be found, I'll find it.

_Hey, Kaidan._

_Good to hear you're on your feet. Sorry about the food. Must be pretty bad if you're missing Normandy food. And no, it hasn't gotten better since the SR-1._

_We'll be at the Citadel soon. Bit of business to take care of first, but I'll drop by. Garrus wants to visit too, so we'll come together if that's okay?_

_-Shepard._

I hit _Send_ without checking it. The tone's friendly, and if it's over-friendly, then there's not much I can do about it now.

"Commander," Traynor's voice says over the comm. "We've got reports of Cerberus attacking civilians on Benning."

"Civilians?" I'm on my feet. "Anyone closer than us?"

"No, Commander, we're the nearest Alliance ship equipped to deal with the threat."

"Joker, divert to Euler and step on it. I'm on my way down."

"Aye, aye, sir. Course laid in."

"ETA?"

"Can get you there in… fifty-five minutes, give or take."

"Make it _forty_. Vega, Garrus, Cortez. Hangar bay in twenty minutes."

I turn to check there are no urgent emails in my inbox. Satisfied, I'm about to leave when a new one arrives from Huerta.

_Looking forward to seeing you both._

_-Kaidan._

**Huerta Memorial Hospital, later that day (Garrus's POV)**

So the small talk's out of the way—something trivial about how many civilians we rescued on Benning—and now we're getting down to the real nitty-gritty, the burning issues of the day.

"I think we all know who'd win in a fight out of us three," Shepard says, full of swagger.

"Glad we agree on that," I reply, pointing to myself.

"Keep dreaming, Vakarian."

"I'm talking about a _real_ fight. No weapons, no omni-tools. What's that flashy piece of crap you use, Shepard?"

"That 'piece of crap' is a Savant X, voted best omni-tool in Citadel space four years running."

Kaidan, who's reclining on the bed, shakes his head. "You're just paying for the name with those things. I'll stick with my Logic Arrest. Might not be fashionable among the elite, but it does the job just the way I like it."

I point at him. "Now _there's_ a man who makes sense. Think we'll let the _amateurs_ play with their shiny toys, Kaidan. Their very _expensive_ shiny toys."

"Who said I paid for it?"

"Steal it?" I ask, looking over my shoulder.

Shepard snorts, affecting a haughty expression. "I don't _need_ to steal. I'm Commander Shepard, Hero of the Citadel, Scourge of the Collectors. People beg me to use their products. Pay me to use them."

Kaidan nods. _"Definitely_ stole it."

"Was the body even cold?" I joke.

Shepard arches an eyebrow, his stern look raising a pained smile from Kaidan.

"Before we start getting bogged down in tech talk," Kaidan says, "might I remind you both that some of us have abilities that could rip that omni-tool clean off your arm?"

Shepard's flashy piece of crap lights up and he moves his arm close to Kaidan. "How about a demonstration, Major? Put us tech-heads in our place."

Kaidan folds his arms and huffs. "You _know_ I can't."

"Oh, yeah. Your implant got rattled. Looks like we're back to omni-tools, then. Which means I win."

"Let's not count _my_ omni-tool out just yet," I add.

"So? What've you got?" asks Shepard.

There's a beat of awkward silence. "Bluewire," I mumble.

" _Bluewire_?" Kaidan splutters around a laugh. "Why not just use your bare arm?"

"Hey, it's an all-rounder, Alenko! Been good enough for the turian military for the past fifteen years and I don't see anyone laughing at _them_. Besides, those of us with _real_ skill don't need to rely on our omni-tool or amp for just about everything."

"Bluewire. Please, just stop. Oh… it hurts." Kaidan's holding the side of his neck and even Shepard's cracked a smile.

This takes me back. Before the SR-1 went down, the three of us were pretty tight. Used to take the Mako out between missions, sometimes just for the hell of it. Shepard _never_ used to let us drive, always pulling the 'I'm Commander Shepard so I get to drive' line. Of course then he wasn't the Hero of the Citadel or anything like that. Could have called himself Butcher of Torfan, I guess, but chose not to.

Good to see them all pally again, but I wonder how much of it's for my benefit. Also makes me wonder if there's another reason I'm here besides visiting. After all, Shepard asked me to come, not the other way around. What's that human expression? Third wheel?

No, that's not it. My function here—if it has a name—is to make them both feel less awkward about being alone together. Not that I mind. Happy to see Kaidan and if my being here helps them, I'm good with that.

But sometimes friends need to give a little push.

I stand up and stretch my arms. Shepard knows something's up right away because turians don't _need_ to stretch, but then neither do most humans when they're politely excusing themselves.

"Where the hell are _you_ going?"

"Think I'll go check out that piercing mod I saw down in the Wards."

"What pierc—"

"You know the one. The… silvery one." I reach across and shake Kaidan's hand. "Good to see you again, Kaidan. Take care of yourself."

"Thanks for coming, Garrus. Stay safe out there."

"Will do. Shepard, I'll see you back on the ship."

I leave, knowing I'm not going to hear the end of this later on.

**Kaidan's POV**

"Well, _that_ was about as subtle as a sledgehammer," I say as the door closes behind Garrus, and Shepard turns back to me. "Think he's got a hot date or something?"

"No, he'd never cheat on the forward battery. She got a facelift when they built the SR-2 and now he can't keep his talons off of her."

"Sounds like she gained weight, too. I hear the SR-2's twice the size of the SR-1."

"Almost." He sits back and adopts a nonchalant expression as he holds a hand at arm's length, examining his fingernails. "You _could_ find out for yourself, _if_ you've got nothing better to do once you get out of here."

I laugh, stupidly relieved that my little slip the last time he visited hasn't caused any tension. "Is this part of your plan to get me back on the Normandy?"

His eyes meet mine. "Plan?"

"Yeah, the one where you ensnare all the old crew from the SR-1. You already got Liara and Garrus. Chakwas, too—that _was_ what you said, right? Joker's a shoo-in. And didn't Garrus mention Adams? Hm. _Wonder_ who's next?" I clasp my chin, look up at the ceiling and try to look reflective.

Then I look back at him and he's giving me his poker face and goddamn it all my insides have turned to liquid.

So much for forgetting about all that. Should have _known_ I'd fold like this, just thought it'd take a bit longer than a couple of days.

He mirrors my posture and also looks up at the ceiling. "Well, I don't know about ensnaring anyone else because we're out of room. Only the XO quarters are free, and I kinda had those in mind for my XO. Whenever I appoint one."

I scoot up, failing miserably at looking disinterested. "The SR-2 has XO quarters?"

He nods and starts examining his other hand. "Mm. Remember where my old office was? Right there."

"So where's the captain's quarters now?"

"Up in the loft, above the CIC."

"The old storage room? But that was huge!"

"Mm-hm."

"Uh… you _do_ know it was haunted, right?"

" _What?"_

"There was definitely a weird atmosphere up there. A few people said so. No one ever wanted to go up there on their own."

He rolls his eyes. "Haunted. Seriously, Kaidan?"

"So did _you_ ever go up there alone? Not from what I remember."

"I'm Commander Shepard. I've got _people_ to go to the storage room for me. And this _is_ a different ship. My cabin is _not_ haunted."

I lie back, just trying not to laugh like a loon. "Whatever you say, Skipper. Might wanna keep a light on tonight, though, just in case."

He's giving me that look again and I'm forced to ask myself whether I'm baiting him into this deliberately, or at least subconsciously.

Two days. Two goddamn days and I'm right back where I started. I mean it's like I can convince myself when he's _not_ here, or at least I can pretend to. But when he's _here_ , looking at me like that, and I can smell his cologne and his leather jacket, and see the bulging veins on the back of his hands and imagine he's just been working out and how _big_ he is these days…

And he's got a beard now. Just a light one, but I always liked a beard.

And yeah, _that_ voice. Spoken through _those_ lips.

So when I ask myself if I'm totally leading him toward fixing me with that _stare_ , toward giving me the look I imagine he gives anyone he's about to throw onto his bed and _conquer_ , there's only answer.

Oh _hell_ yes.

Damn it.

"Now that we're on our own," he says, and my heart just about stops, "what's this about Udina offering you a Spectre position?"

I exhale, more nervous energy than anything, before pushing myself up a bit. Shepard passes me a glass of water and I say thanks.

"It was unexpected, that's for sure."

"You gonna take it?"

"I really don't know, Shepard. It's an honour. Only the second human Spectre."

"But?"

"But... nothing. I'm just not ready to give him my decision yet."

He nods. "Keep your cards close to your vest. Always a sound strategy."

"And, ah, is that what you do? Keep your cards close to your vest?"

"Yeah, and it usually pays off. It's gotten me into trouble a few times too, though."

"I'll bet." I smile at him and he smiles back. Good to see that smile again, though there are just a few more crow's feet and lines that accompany it. "Shepard… do _you_ think I should take it?"

"Now why would you ask me that? You don't need my approval."

"That's not an answer."

"Of _course_ I think you should. Be nice to have another human Spectre around, and one I already know. Save me having to introduce myself and make small talk at the annual Spectre cookout."

"Spectres have cookouts?"

He's rolling his eyes again but laughing a little, too. " _No,_ Kaidan. Or if they do, I don't get an invite."

"Ah, you got me there."

"Always could. And don't think being a Spectre's going to get you out of serving on the Normandy."

I sit back and let out a long sigh. This is just about the happiest I've been in a long time. "So what happened to your plan? I thought you liked to keep your cards close to your vest?"

"I do. But sometimes I like to surprise people. When's Udina want an answer?"

I shrug. "He's pushing me pretty hard. Never been a patient man. Said as soon as I say yes, it'll be a done deal. Omni-tool exchange and I'm a Spectre."

"Huh." Shepard leans back and thinks for a minute. "Things have changed since I was made a Spectre. Took a lot longer back then."

"Yeah, I remember the ceremony. Council dragged their feet a lot before then. But you _were_ the first human. Big decision."

He nods, his eyes moving to one side for a few seconds. "I guess now with the war and everything…?"

"Right. That's what Udina said. No time to waste."

"So none of the other Council members need to be involved?"

"Udina told me they already approved me. I'm thinking they regret taking their time over appointing you. Look what would have happened if they hadn't."

"Good point." He stands up and straightens his jacket. "I better get going. Got a few other people to see." He offers his hand and I shake it but he hesitates for just a beat. "Glad you're okay, Kaidan."

"Thanks. Me too."

He looks at my hand for a second and then releases it before turning for the door. "I'll see you around. Don't be a stranger."

"No, sir." Before I finish speaking, he's gone without a backward glance. "I won't."

**The Normandy, in orbit over Tuchanka, early the following morning**

**War Room (EDI's POV)**

"We all ready for this?" Shepard asks the architects, and guardians, of the genophage cure.

Urdnot Wrex, naturally, is first to reply. "Is there any doubt?"

Dr. Mordin Solus is already hastening from the war room and is talking himself through his next action, as is his wont.

Primarch Victus confirms turian aerial support is standing by and at Shepard's disposal.

Shepard orders Lieutenant Vega and Garrus Vakarian—who have already been apprised that they will be accompanying him to the surface—to be ready for departure, along with Lieutenant Cortez. He then instructs all remaining parties to 'move out'.

Once alone in the war room, Shepard's demeanour and physiology exhibit a number of changes. I detect an increase in sweat secretion, the dilation of his pupils, and a decrease in the motility of his colon. Norepinephrine and epinephrine are excreted from his adrenal glands. His heart rate has accelerated to 61% above base levels observed when at rest, and continues to climb.

When manifested collectively, these phenomena are colloquially referred to by humans as the 'fight-or-flight response'.

Shepard and his squad mates exhibit similar changes when mentally preparing for combat. However, Shepard does not normally experience such a marked response until he is directly engaged with hostile forces.

Nor does he procrastinate.

He's staring at the holo of the Shroud and has not altered his posture since dismissing the others. During the last minute he has blinked three times, less than half his usual rate.

If I was not acquainted with Shepard, I would surmise that _procrastinating_ is precisely what he is doing.

"Commander, incoming communication for you marked urgent. I'll forward it to the comm. room."

His rate of blinking increases sharply and his heart rate levels out as he turns and enters the comm. room. I then read a spike in his epinephrine production when the Salarian Dalatrass is patched through.

During the conversation that follows, all of Shepard's stats return to near-baseline levels, but once the comm. link has been severed, and he is once again alone, his 'fight-or-flight response' returns swiftly.

The dalatrass has employed an archetypally-salarian stratagem, and in doing so has given Shepard a way out of his current dilemma.

Yet his bio scan readings indicate that he is far from content.

Based on Shepard's previous decision-making processes, and having extrapolated elements from his most recent personal log, I predict a 64.4% probability that he will accept the dalatrass's offer and sabotage the genophage cure in order to acquire the Salarian First Fleet for the war effort. However, his friendships with Urdnot Wrex, Mordin Solus and Eve mean that a wide margin of error must be taken into consideration.

After a brief period of reflection, Shepard leaves the war room and convenes with his squad mates, plus all other interested parties, in the hangar bay.

It is interesting to note that he makes an unexpected change to his squad before departure, substituting Dr. T'Soni for Garrus Vakarian. He also dismisses Lieutenant Cortez, informing him that he will pilot the Kodiak himself on this occasion. His decision is not questioned and he offers no explanation, nor is one required.

It is too early to determine whether these occurrences hold any significance, but in all the time I have known Shepard, he has never made a last-minute change to the line-up of his squad.

To employ a human expression, I am unable to 'call it' at this time.

**The Kodiak, en-route to the Shroud, Krogan DMZ (Eve's POV)**

I am proud to share the making of krogan history with such an eclectic group of people. It is indicative of the alliances Commander Shepard is starting to forge that there are no fewer than four different species aboard this shuttle: Wrex and myself, the asari Liara T'Soni, the humans Shepard and Lieutenant Vega, and the salarian Dr. Solus.

I am particularly gratified that the doctor is among us. He is not in this for fame or glory, but to rectify a mistake that was 1,400 years in the making. His stake in this endeavour is a personal one, and one that is shared by Wrex and I.

Shepard has been very quiet since our departure and I sense that he, too, is heavily invested. He has taken it upon himself to pilot us to our destination and I sense an indomitability in him, an implacable resolve to see this through. Perhaps the stakes are personal for him as well—after all, he had a hand in the destruction of the original genophage cure held by Saren, although none would now question that decision.

Well, Wrex did at the time, of course, but thankfully he and Shepard were able to talk things through without destroying each other.

The mood on board is determined. The scientists—Drs. Solus and T'Soni—are preoccupied with the nuts and bolts of the cure itself; Wrex and I are considering the future of our people, and the soldiers—Shepard and Vega—are firmly in the here-and-now. Or so it would seem.

I have spoken with Shepard on two occasions on the Normandy and he appears a driven but thoughtful man. In fact, if he would not consider the observation insulting, he reminds me of a female krogan—strong, but possessing restraint and foresight that my male counterparts, on the whole, do not. He also possesses the ability to obscure his innermost feelings, something I suspect he is doing now.

His lieutenant, however, does not.

"Got a visual on the Shroud," Shepard announces, and Lieutenant Vega is the first on his feet, joining his commander in the cockpit.

"Dios! You see the size of this motherfucker?" he calls back to us.

"That's just a baby," Wrex reassures him in a humorous tone, clapping him on the back. "Look, see its set of training wheels? Bet it's not even out of Reaper diapers yet. Hope not, 'cause it'll crap a river when it lays eyes on _me!_ "

"A _baby_? Are you shitting me?"

Liara T'Soni joins them. "You didn't see Sovereign, James. As absurd as it sounds, that Reaper is indeed quite small in comparison. Although I have no doubt it will see us as nothing but ants, annoyances to be stamped out."

"Yeah? Well I've had a few ants in my pants before now, and those suckers can bite," replies James, turning to Shepard. "Commander? This thing a baby or not?"

"Doesn't matter. It'll die like all the rest."

"Ha ha ha!" bellows Wrex. "That's the spirit, Shepard!" He pushes past the others and enters a NavPoint into the console. "Set us down here. Close as you can get us to the Hollows. Can't have the future of my people getting tired."

He looks back at me and I am filled with hope. Unlike most of his kin, Wrex does not see me as simply a tool but as an equal. Of course, I couldn't possibly let on.

"I can take care of myself," I snap.

"Yes, you can." He gives me a look that says, 'We'll continue this… later', but I maintain my scowl. To my side, Dr. Solus covers his olfactory orifice, muttering something about pheromones.

As we approach our destination and the Shroud, plus its Reaper guardian, grow larger in our vision, even Wrex sets aside his bluster and becomes as solemn and focused as Shepard.

It is heartening that these people, two of whom do not even know me, are prepared to risk their lives for the sake of the krogan, but they are doing so under Shepard's leadership.

If we are successful here, it is him I will owe everything to.

**Huerta Memorial Hospital (Kaidan's POV)**

Well, that's it. I'm a Spectre. Had another visit from Udina just now and he wouldn't take no for an answer. Was full of flattery, talking about my accomplishments and that humanity needs me and blah blah blah. I know it was a load of bull but it wasn't Udina who swayed me. I made my mind up after talking with Shepard.

I want to show Shepard there's another way. Not because I think I'm better than him and I'm not judging any of his decisions, no way, but I know Shepard's done things in the past that haunt him even now. I don't want that for myself and I don't want that for him. Maybe now I'm a Spectre, and if I end up serving on the Normandy, we can get some Spectre missions together, who knows.

I mean I'm not naïve enough to believe that everything can be resolved by being _good_ all the time. I know sometimes hard decisions have to be made. But if there's a cosmic whole out there—if there's karma—then Shepard's due some serious bad luck.

And he doesn't deserve it, because his choices don't define _him_ as a man.

Not sure where he is right now—he mentioned something about Tuchanka—but I'm guessing he's pretty busy, so I'll email him.

I'm up and about now and walking fine, but I'll let that be a surprise for his next visit. Even got my implant sorted out, so if he wants to challenge me to a tech vs biotic duel again, I'll be able to step up.

_Hey Shepard,_

_I took Udina up on his offer so now you can call me Spectre Alenko. Or, you know, just Kaidan. Wanted you to be the first to know._

_Udina said when I'm out of here he could use me for some personal protection work. Not sure what that entails because the Council chambers are pretty defensible but hey, who am I to argue. Maybe when I've cut my teeth I'll get something a bit meatier. Maybe he's just going easy on me because I got injured._

_Yeah, I can see you shaking your head at that. And probably cursing. No… there's no 'probably' about it._

_Hope wherever you are you're fighting the good fight and keeping out of trouble. Or, if you can't keep out of trouble, then I hope you're safe._

_Say hi to Garrus and Joker for me._

_Take care, Kaidan._

**The Shroud (Shepard's POV)**

We survived Kalros, everything the Reapers had to throw at us, and the 'baby' that was guarding the tower is dead.

But I'd rather face them all again than a single salarian scientist.

The tower's coming down around me as I step inside. Mordin's already at a console. He knows I'm here—he jerks his head up slightly but doesn't take his eyes off the monitor. He's focused. He's put everything into this. He's nearing the end of his life and wants to leave this universe knowing he did something heroic.

And I'm here to take that away from him.

I've done nothing but think about the genophage cure and the math is off. I'm not going to try and justify this to myself—to pretend there's anything honourable about this—but I _need_ the salarians. This isn't some minor skirmish we're facing here. This is the _end of all organic life_. This is bigger than any one person, bigger than any one race.

I might not be able to look myself in the mirror when this is done, but at least I'll be able to say I did _everything_ I could, got _every_ fleet I could. Because when I think about what the Reapers are doing to Earth, to Palaven, and soon to every civilisation in the galaxy, _honour_ doesn't seem so important. The fact I'll be betraying my friends doesn't seem so important.

That's what I need to tell myself to get through this.

"Shepard, original strain still in storage. Loaded for dispersal in two minutes."

I duck to avoid a piece of falling debris and move to his side, my throat dry as I muster the courage to shatter Mordin's dreams.

He still hasn't looked at me. For the first time in his life his mind is on one thing only. That's how important this is to him. "Control room on top of Shroud tower. Must take elevator up."

I look up. The exterior wall is crumbling, the foundations of the tower compromised by Kalros's fight with the Reaper. "You're going up there?"

"Yes. Readings at lab suggest temperature malfunction. Could affect cure viability. Need to adjust settings manually."

Okay. This is it. I take a deep breath. "Mordin… it's not a malfunction. It's sabotage. Your people did it years ago."

He finally looks up, his brow wrinkling as it all comes together. "Of _course_. Shroud necessary for distribution. STG would have had backup plan, contingency to stop cure." He turns around, his face twisted in disgust. "And you knew."

I try to touch his arm but he backs off. "The dalatrass offered me a deal, her full support for the Crucible project. I was reinstated for that very reason—to acquire fleets and technology for the war. At _any_ cost. I have to do this."

He's walking toward the elevator and my heart starts pumping. "Difficult moral circumstances. Decision understandable but not acceptable. Will not sacrifice krogan for political gain."

I'm following him, still hoping against hope that I can make him see. "I don't give a damn about politics. I give a damn about giving us every chance against the Reapers! You need to understand—"

He stops and looks over his shoulder. Just for a second I'm praying I convinced him. "Understand that you will do whatever necessary to attain goal. Was once like you. Singularly committed to mission. Ruthless, if needed to be. But getting old, Shepard. Not much time left. Regrets offset by legacy of curing genophage. Must do this. Krogan _deserve_ cure."

"I agree, Mordin! But not now!"

"If not now, when?"

I move to stand in front of him, mentally counting. If I can stall him long enough then he won't get to the top in time. "In the future. We still have Maelon's research. When this war is over we'll need to rebuild. If the krogan are led by anyone other than Wrex we won't get the _chance_ to rebuild because they'll lay us all to waste!"

He's shaking his head and trying to push past, but I'm blocking him. "Argument weak, Shepard. Too much conjecture. Wrex not dead. Still hope for krogan." He takes a step toward me and prods me in the chest. " _In my way_."

Our eyes lock and we both know there's no going back from this moment. "I'm sorry. I can't let you go up there."

"Have no choice! No more time!" He makes a run for the elevator but I bring my elbow down, hard, on the back of his neck. He falls to his knees but quickly gets up, his omni-tool alight. "Incorrect utilisation of force against salarian physiology! Heavy cartilage distribution absorbs physical impact!"

I scramble for cover as a blast of ice hits my chest and I feel my body seize up. He's almost at the elevator and I'm out of options. I overload his shields and he stumbles but quickly rights himself.

He steps inside. I panic. My gun comes up and he hears it, turning to face me.

"Don't make me do this!" I plead, my frozen arm trembling as I aim at him.

"Not _making_ you do anything. Have free will. Your choice, not mine."

"I can't weigh one person against an entire fleet, Mordin! I _can't!_ You can still walk away from this! Come with me!"

He gives me a look of pity, or resignation, and turns his back on me. "Will have to shoot me in back, Shepard. Sorry it came to this. Valued our friendship. Still do. But do what you must."

The elevator starts to move.

He's one man and so am I. We're _nothing_. How many people will die if the Reapers win? What are we compared with that?

My shot drops him and the elevator continues on its way. I stare at the gun as it falls from my hand in slow motion. I can't move. I could stay here and let the whole tower come down on my head.

It would be so easy.

But my survival instinct kicks in and I'm floating out of there.

The truck's waiting and Liara runs toward me, administering medi-gel. I feel warmth return to my body. Wrex and Eve— _Bakara_ —greet me and I'm hailed as a hero.

Then the top of the tower explodes and Mordin is hailed as a hero.

It's like a dream. Nothing seems real. I don't hear anything, don't feel anything. Everything I see is immediately replaced by the next thing and nothing sticks. It's all gone.

I'm in the Kodiak and I don't remember piloting it back to the Normandy, but here we are. And Garrus is waiting in the bay for us.

I can't look at him. It's why I decided at the last minute not to bring him along. Because he would _know._ I didn't want to kill Mordin but I always knew there was a chance it'd go that way.

And now I have the fleets I need but I can't look my best friend in the eye.


	5. Man on a Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My thanks again to Carrie for looking over my ramblings, and to all who've left comments or kudos!
> 
> I'm going away for a couple of days so won't be able to reply to comments immediately. As soon as I'm back I'll get right on it! :)

**Captain's cabin (Shepard's POV)**

There's a grain of rice on my desk, left over from last night's dinner. It's had quite the journey. I've been pushing it around for… I don't know how long. Minutes, hours, it's all the same. Each moment just oozes into the next.

The light on my terminal's blinking, meaning I've got emails, but it's blended in with everything else and I can't see it anymore.

Just spoke with Hackett. Remember the words 'congratulations', 'astonishing' and 'achievement' but not much else. Stomach's growling but I can't face going to the Mess. I feel like they all know, like I'm wearing it on my chest like a badge.

_It wasn't the explosion that killed Mordin._

I can't avoid my crew forever but for now I'm just fine right here.

Someone's at the door. Got a feeling it's Garrus. He's left me alone so far but won't let me stew for too long. Or maybe it's EDI, because out of everyone, she _must_ know for sure.

Only she doesn't know _everything_.

I straighten up, pull my chair in and open my emails.

"Come in."

There's about a dozen. One from the dalatrass, one from Eve, one from Wrex.

I leave them for now.

Garrus strolls in as I open one from Kaidan, sent last night while my squad were risking their necks for noth—

For the salarian fleet. We've got the salarians, as well as the krogan and turians, and I need to concentrate on that while I'm on the clock. The crew's excited and hopeful because we now have three big players on our side. They don't need to know that their CO might never get a good night's sleep again because of it.

"Hey, there. How's it going?"

Good old Garrus. Can always rely on him to ask, 'Exactly how fucked up are you by all this?' while acting casual. He knows this and so do I, but I play along.

"Good, Garrus," I reply without looking up. "You?"

He leans against the display cabinet, arms crossed. "Yeah, good. See we just left Tuchanka. Where we headed?"

"Uttuku, see if we can pick up those missing krogan scouts."

"You know, the krogan are going to sing songs about you someday."

I almost laugh at that, but I seem to have forgotten how. "I'm sure they will."

"Won't be as colourful as the salarian songs, though."

I nod blankly, and then something in Kaidan's email makes me frown.

"Problem?" asks Garrus. I beckon him closer, showing him the email. "Hm. Spectre Alenko says 'hi'. Right back at you, Kaidan." He waves at the screen.

"No, I didn't mean that."

"Then what?"

I push my chair back and face Garrus, glad to have something else to think about. "When you were at C-Sec, did you have access to the Council? Did you know anything about their movements?"

"Me? You're kidding. Didn't even let the likes of me onto the Presidium, let alone the Council chambers. Why?"

"Is it normal for Council members to use Spectres as bodyguards?"

He thinks about that for a minute. "Couldn't say for certain, but it seems like a waste to me. Why go to all the trouble of recruiting a Spectre when there are thousands of perfectly good C-Sec officers? But I don't know. Maybe it's something Udina wants kept off the books?"

I turn back to the terminal, considering my response to the email. "If Udina's doing something off the books, he picked the wrong Spectre as his sidekick."

"You could be right," Garrus says in concern, sidling closer. "Kaidan would never stand for anything crooked. Me, you, _maybe_ , but not him."

"Yeah. Think Bailey would know anything?"

He nods. "Worth a shot, but he won't tell you much in an e-message."

"He might." I open a new message box but first I need to make sure there'll be no comeback on Bailey. "EDI, I'm about to send a message on my private Spectre channel. I need every trace of it, and any subsequent thread, erased permanently once it's done."

"Understood. As the message thread will carry Spectre authorisation—which I cannot access or override—you will need to physically delete it yourself. Sending you an encryption key."

"Got it," I say, touching a small symbol in the corner of the screen. "Confirm there will be no trace of this in our systems once deleted?"

"Confirmed. Even I will not have access to the thread, but the encryption key will remain active. I will remove and delete it as soon as your communication is terminated."

"Noted. Thanks."

"Need me to step out?" asks Garrus, thumbing over his shoulder.

"No. Grab that chair behind the couch."

He walks down to the lower level of the cabin while I input my Spectre code, and brings back a folding chair, which he sits on next to me as I compose the message.

_-Spectre authorisation code {REDACTED}-_

_To: Commander Armando-Owen Bailey, Citadel Security_

_From: Commander Shepard, {LOCATION REDACTED}_

_Message: Got a minute?_

I know Bailey's at his desk a lot these days so I'm hoping he won't take long to respond. Less than a minute later I get a reply:

_Bailey: Spectre authorisation? What's with all the cloak and dagger? Why do I get the feeling you're about to ask me a bunch of questions without telling me why?_

_Shepard: Afraid that's exactly what I'm going to do. Can you help?_

_B: Depends. What do you need?_

_S: Information about the Council's bodyguards. Are they on C-Sec's payroll?_

_B: Yeah. Got sixteen of them, and at least four are available at any given time, but it's usually more. Why? Not planning on assassinating one of the councillors, are you?_

_S: Not at this time. Has the Council ever used a Spectre as a bodyguard?_

_B: Not that I know of. Why would they? Their guards get the best training, are good at their jobs, and you Spectres are off fighting galactic crime, right? Seems to me it'd be beneath a Spectre to be doing guard work._

Garrus and I exchange a look.

 _S: But they_ could _use a Spectre if they wanted?_

_B: Sure. The Council can do whatever it wants. Did they ask you to be their bodyguard?_

_S: No. This is all hypothetical._

_B: Gotcha. "Hypothetical." Well, as we're dealing with the imaginary, that's about all I can tell you._

_S: Anything going on with the Council right now? Anything unusual?_

_B: You'll have to be more specific. Are we talking about someone in particular here?_

_S: Now what made you ask that?_

_B: Because it's a reasonable thing to ask? Not every day a Spectre starts investigating their employers._

_S: Not investigating. Just curious._

_B: Whatever you say._

_S: So?_

_B: Sorry, Shepard, it's more than my job's worth. Hell, it's more than my ass being thrown in jail is worth. You want dirt on the Council, you'll need to talk to the Executor, but I'm guessing he won't be as polite as me._

_S: So there_ is _dirt on the Council?_

_B: There's always dirt on the Council. They're politicians._

_S: Who's the dirtiest?_

_B: Not biting._

_S: Then just tell me what you know about them. That's not classified, is it? And we are on a Spectre channel here._

_B: Yeah, and Spectres are employed by the Council! Damn, I wish you'd tell me what this is about._

_S: The Council can't access a Spectre's private communications any more than I can access theirs. Besides, they don't have the Normandy's resources_ or _my crew. This conversation never happened. And the less you know, the better. The cloak and dagger's for your benefit._

_B: Oh *that's* reassuring. Okay. I'll tell you what I can, which isn't much. Irissa and Quentius—the one who reinstated you as a Spectre—are clean as a whistle. Doubt I can tell you anything about Udina you don't already know. Esheel's the one to watch. She's ex-STG so she's no stranger to double-dealing. Nothing's ever stuck, but there's a sealed file on her._

_S: What do you know about the sealed file on Esheel?_

_B: Not a lot, but there are whispers linking her with the League of One. Just so we're clear, those whispers didn't come from me._

_S: The rogue STG unit?_

_B: Right._

_S: Well, she's too young to have been a member of the League of One. Can you give me any more than that?_

_B: Nothing more to give you, Shepard. Look, I gotta get back to it. Sorry I couldn't help._

_S: Actually, you did help._

_B: That doesn't make me feel any better. You'd better make damn sure there's no trace of this._

_S: Trust me, already taken care of. Thanks for your time, Bailey. I owe you one._

_B: I'll remember that next time you're squeezing me while giving me nothing in return. Just watch your back, okay? You don't get to be councillor by playing nice._

He logs off and I make sure the message thread is deleted before checking that EDI's done her part.

"What are you up to?" Garrus asks me.

"Can't hurt to have a little leverage on one of the councillors, even if it's unsubstantiated. Maybe I can lean on Esheel next time we're at the Citadel, see if she knows anything."

"Approaching relay in 3… 2… 1," Joker announces. Garrus and I feel a shift beneath our feet, waiting a second until our equilibrium returns to normal.

"'Lean'?" he asks.

"Yeah, _lean_. I'm not an idiot. Even I wouldn't directly threaten one of the Council."

"Let's just hope it doesn't backfire on you. If Udina finds out you're sniffing around…"

"What, he'll impound the Normandy? He tried that before and it didn't work out so well for him."

"And if he tries it again?"

"Then we'll bring 'Slugger' Anderson out of retirement. I'm sure he wouldn't need an excuse to punch that asshole out again."

"Heard you talked with Anderson. How's he doing?"

Garrus is a true friend, like the brother I never had. He's never judged me, can always pull me up by the bootstraps and I trust him with my life. Not many people I can say that about. One of the many reasons I'm glad Tuchanka is done with is that Palaven will finally get krogan support. Garrus's family is there and I'm hoping he'll hear some good news soon.

Part of me still resents the fact Victus and Wrex had me jumping through hoops to get support for Earth and Palaven. Everyone always wants something in return. I know that's how the universe works, and I'm not above using people to get what I want, but sometimes it feels… tiresome.

Garrus and me, we're not like that. He's asked me to help settle a few scores with him—Dr. Saleon and Sidonis, for example—and I've asked for his help with various 'unofficial' things too. But we just _do_ it, without questions or conditions, because that's what brothers do.

I was lying on my bed for a spell when we returned from Tuchanka and I asked myself some hard questions: just how far am I prepared to go to win this war? How much am I prepared to sacrifice?

 _Who_ am I prepared to sacrifice?

I asked myself if I could have pulled the trigger if Garrus had been there instead of Mordin. The answer was no.

So what did Mordin ever do to me? Why did _he_ deserve to… damn it, _why_ wouldn't he just—

"Shepard?"

"Hm?" I blink, my thoughts scattering. "Nothing. What were you saying?"

Garrus watches me for a sec. "You know, Shepard, why don't you take a rain check. Me and Vega can take care of business on Uttuku."

"No. I need to… I need to be along for this one."

"Commander," Joker breaks in, "just entered Ninmah. Arriving at Mulla Xul in about nineteen minutes."

"Copy that, Joker. Coming, Garrus?"

He lets out the tiniest of sighs but doesn't push me. "Sure. Could use a pleasant change of scenery. Always wanted to visit the barren, inhospitable landscape and dank, dangerous caverns of Uttuku. You take me to the _nicest_ places."

"Yeah, yeah." We leave the cabin and step into the elevator. "James, you and Cortez ready down there?"

"Yes, sir."

The door closes and I go into a trance. Time slows and it seems to take minutes to reach the hangar bay. Garrus isn't _looking_ at me, but I know he's still _watching_. As we're about to step out, he lightly touches my arm and we halt.

"Shepard…"

My head snaps around toward him and my mouth goes dry. I give an exaggerated nod, my breath held in. "I'm fine." I push the breath out and walk over to my footlocker, finding Cortez next to it, hands on hips.

"Commander, have you even _slept_ since Tuchanka?"

I give him a confused look but before I can respond, Vega calls across from his work station. "He's gotten the same amount of sleep as me, Esteban. I was on Tuchanka, too, remember? Quit your motherin'. He's an N7, not some feeble-ass pilot."

"I'm pretty sure he hasn't eaten," Garrus adds, moving to my side.

"What is this?" I demand.

"Hold on," says Cortez, hopping aboard the Kodiak and emerging a few seconds later. "Got some energy bars here." He throws one at me and I catch it. "Eat up, Commander. Not leaving until you do."

"Is that a fact?"

"That's a fact. Sir." He's grinning at me and I groan as I unwrap it.

"I don't even like these things." I force it down as quickly as possible. "Tastes like ass."

"Wouldn't know, Commander." Cortez takes the wrapper from me and heads back to the Kodiak. "Never had the pleasure myself… contrary to popular belief."

Vega and Garrus are sniggering. Vega stops when I look at him but Garrus doesn't.

"All right, show's over," I say. "Get your asses suited up."

Maybe I do feel a little better for having eaten.

**Uttuku, Mulla Xul, Ninmah Cluster (James's POV)**

Man, I hate bugs. Not _scared_ of 'em, just… hate 'em, that's all. One thing I like about serving on a ship is there are _no goddamn bugs._ We go down to a planet and there are bugs, fine, we've got our suits.

But _apparently,_ this planet's crawling with the bastards… and they're as big as I am. Fuck my life.

"How can it be rachni?" Shepard asks one krogan we meet up with. Weird-looking guy… like his plates aren't as developed as the others'. Maybe he's a krogan kid? Who can say? Wouldn't be surprised if they were _born_ holding a shotgun and a few grenades. Yeah, they probably use 'em as pacifiers. Wow.

Anyways, the krogan kid barrels up to Shepard, slaps him a couple of times on the arm—Shepard might wanna have Chakwas check later for stress fractures—and Shepard slaps him right back. Shepard looks glad to see him, but kinda sad, too, just for a second. Got me wonderin' why.

The kid, Grunt, tells Shepard they've got reports of rachni, which Shepard wiped out on Noveria, so they can't really be rachni, can they? Only Grunt says they are, and he doesn't look the kind you wanna be arguing with.

"But I _killed_ the queen." Shepard's arguing with him. Of course he is. "I watched her disintegrate and we blew up the hot labs. We left no trace. Wrex was there, he'll confirm it."

"You gonna argue with the scouts we sent in there, the ones that were killed right after radioing that they'd found rachni?" Grunt shoots back. "If they _said_ it was rachni," he steps real close to Shepard and pushes his jaw out, " _it was rachni_."

Shepard shakes his head. "I don't argue with the dead because they're never wrong."

For a sec I think things are gonna go bad but then Grunt does this weird little laugh and steps back. "Guess you're right, Shepard. Well, we're not gonna find out sitting around here. You ready to go?"

So we go. And then we take a tumble down a shaft and wind up at the bottom, where the badass krogan squad can't help us with the giant, flesh-eating bugs. The ones Shepard keeps telling me suck your brains out through your nose and you gotta watch 'em doing it 'cause your eyes still work for like 20 seconds.

I ask Garrus if Shepard's messing with me and he just shakes his head, all serious. Then he says they catch you in a web and mate with you, lay eggs inside of you, and _then_ suck your brains out through your nose. If you're lucky, they do the brain thing first.

"Then the eggs hatch and your body becomes baby food," Shepard adds, just to be _helpful_.

Now I _know_ he's messing with me. Right?

"We're not messing with you, Vega," Garrus says, reloading his rifle. " _Watch yourself."_

Did I say fuck my life?

So now we're in these caves where it's dark and damp and it stinks. Just the kind of place bugs _love_ to live. I'm not scared of 'em, honest, they just… bug me. Ha! Bug me.

Come across some Reaper tech which actually makes me feel a little better. If these are Reaper bugs, I got no problem getting down and dirty with 'em. And when I say down and dirty, I do _not_ mean mating.

We find a bunch of webbing and these pod things, and I think even Garrus is a little disgusted. "We were messing with you," he whispers from behind.

"No mating?"

"No mating and definitely no nose thing."

"Thanks for clearing that up."

Then we're at this huge cavern, which is lit up for some reason. Shepard looks at us both, draws his gun and snaps a thermal clip into it. Before we head down, though, I find out exactly how effing _good_ Archangel is. He takes a step forward, hunkers down and aims at something I can't see. I _love_ the sound the Mantis makes when it's fired—like a depth charge from one of those old submarines you see in the museums—and something explodes a ways off, gotta be 400 feet away at least.

"Barrier engine," he mutters, and Shepard gives him a 'good job' nod just as the husk welcoming party arrives.

We jump down and clean house. Shepard radios Grunt while we're standing over just about the most fucked-up thing I ever laid eyes on. I mean, sacs? _Really?_

"Rachni presence confirmed," Shepard says. "Modified and very dangerous."

Grunt tells us to look out for heavy weapons the scouting party took down with 'em. We find 'em… Shepard and Garrus stick to what they know best but _I_ get a freakin' flame-thrower.

Suddenly, I'm liking this mission a whole lot more. Burn the bastards. Best thing for 'em.

Grunt and his guys are with us every step of the way, only behind a wall of solid rock. But I know they're takin' care of things, making it easier for us each time we run into hostiles. Finally we find Aralakh Company and they're just picking up those things with the sacs and throwing 'em around, keeping the rachni off us while we find the central chamber.

Well, we get there. And if I live to be a thousand, I swear I'll never be able to describe what we find.

Shepard's _talking_ with it, like he knows it. Finds out it's a fake queen, built by the Reapers, and all its babies are serving them but she says she'll help if we free her. I tell Shepard he should put the damn thing out of its misery, but he's thinkin'. Then she gets all antsy and thrashes her tentacles around.

The whole place starts coming down.

"Shepard!" Grunt yells over the radio. "They got us pinned down! Get back here!"

"Move out!" Shepard orders.

"You sure about this?" Garrus asks. "She could be a huge asset to the forces. Limitless supply of troops?"

"No! We're not losing Aralakh Company! _Move!"_

Shepard's intense when he's fighting but I never seen him like this. He's a man on a mission. I know one of his friends bought it on Tuchanka so I'm guessing he ain't willing to lose another, assets be damned.

We find Grunt. He's separated from his guys and holding off a bunch of the rachni. There's a way out to the left but it's blocked by those freaks.

"I got this. Get outta here," Grunt says, but Shepard's got other plans.

"No way! I'm not letting you throw your life away! We'll deal with this!"

Grunt's on him and grabs him, lifting him clean off the ground. " _Get outta here, Shepard!"_

He throws Shepard down like he's nothin' and charges off, drawing the rachni away from us. Shepard stands up, panting, his mouth slack.

Then his face hardens and we're running. "Move it!"

We get outside and it's too quiet. No more sounds of gunfire, no more of that weird little laugh, no more "I… am… KROGAN!"

Shepard's staring at the cave entrance and his shoulders are heaving. Esteban lands behind us and I don't know whether to climb aboard or what.

"He died doing what he loved," Garrus says quietly.

It's like Shepard's gone, his eyes are just blank. He turns and heads for the shuttle, his head down, and doesn't say a goddamn word.

Then we hear something and Shepard's running back to the cave entrance.

Grunt, covered in blood and guts and some gloopy shit, comes stumbling out and Shepard catches him right before he collapses.

For a kid, that krogan is _fucking hardcore_.

I run over to lend a hand and we get him aboard. Shepard's like a worried mom, making sure he's comfortable and giving him sips of water while I fix up the worst of his wounds.

"Cortez, you got any of those energy bars left?"

"Got a dozen pack right here, Commander."

"Gimme all of 'em."

Soon after, the rest of Aralakh Company head out of the caves, and once we're in the sky Shepard orders Joker to nuke the place from orbit.

**Huerta Memorial Hospital (Kaidan's POV)**

I guess there are some perks to this Spectre business. Before, I had to go into the doc's office if I wanted to send an email, which wasn't a problem as it gave me a little exercise. Now, though, I've got a mini office in my hospital room—private terminal with my very own Spectre channel, little desk and a _very_ swanky chair. Hoping they'll let me take that chair with me… wherever it is I end up when I'm discharged.

Won't be long now. Docs say one more night of obs, few more tests in the morning and they won't be able to keep me here anymore, much to the disappointment of Dr. Casey, the specialist with an interest in L2s. Promised to correspond with her via the extranet, which she was happy about. She's writing a paper so I'm glad to help.

Considering I'm supposed to be resting, my feet haven't touched the ground. I've had to sign forms, get a medical—from the _Council's_ own docs, which raised a few eyebrows here—and sign more forms. I've gotten visits from the Spectre requisitions officer, an armorer, techs…

They gave me a new omni-tool. Shepard'll flip his shit when he hears about this. Latest Spectre-issue HMOT model, which craps on his Savant. Thing is, I can't get used to the damn thing. Kinda twitchy. Miss my Logic Arrest. That was like an old, stuffed armchair that I'd cultivated an ass groove in. This thing? Like those fancy bar stools you see in clubs on Ilium—beautiful to look at, but give you backache after sitting on them for five minutes.

But First World problems, right?

Got a new gun, too. Yeah, here in the hospital. Safety's on but I can't help checking it now and then to make sure. Feels weird being armed in a place of healing but Udina—who's been in to see me three times this morning—said a Spectre has to be armed at all times, if only for appearance's sake. Guess he's right. I remember Shepard always carried when we visited the Citadel, but he never had to take it out.

Uh… except that one time with that Conrad guy. But he _was_ going to get himself killed the way he was headed, and Shepard scared him straight. Guy went home with his tail between his legs.

Had my armour upgraded as well. Was offered a new set but I wouldn't give up my old one. Been through a lot together. Got it back not long ago and the Council's techs fitted new emitters, meaning my kinetic barrier's about 220% better. Put microfiber padding inside which'll mean no more chafing. New servos in the joints mean I can turn and run faster, and they fixed up the scratches, beat out all the dents, and polished it right up.

Also, they painted a Spectre logo on each arm and the chest plate, which is kinda cool.

Yeah, Shepard'll flip his shit, all right. Can't wait to see his face when he sees me in this get-up. I've been wearing it for the past half-hour to get a feel for it again, and it's a lot more comfortable.

Speaking of Shepard, I need to reply to his email. Time to give this armour the ultimate test: sitting down in it. Swanky chair or not, most people in heavy armour can't sit without looking like they're taking a dump.

So I sit down and catch sight of myself in the window. Oh, yeah. Lookin' comfortable there, Alenko. Suave, commanding… _bulletproof._

I laugh to myself. Wonder if Shepard checks himself out like this, if he feels like a little boy dressing up. Remember when I was at Brain Camp, used to play Spectre with the other human kids. That was, when Vyrnnus wasn't breathing down our necks. Back then we were _all_ the first human Spectre. Leave it to Shepard to beat me to the punch but hey, I'll gladly take this.

I open the email and read it again. Wondering if Shepard's okay because the tone of it's pretty sombre, but Shepard's a sombre kind of guy sometimes so it's hard to tell. It's also a hell of a lot longer than any previous emails he's sent me.

We're getting reports here about what happened on Tuchanka, or rather I am, via the Spectre newsfeed. Don't think it's public knowledge just yet. Heard Shepard's friend, Dr. Solus, was killed. Didn't know Solus myself, but from what I can gather, he was instrumental in delivering a countermeasure against the Collector seeker swarms.

Shepard couldn't have stopped the Collectors without him, and I know he'll be feeling his loss.

_Kaidan,_

_Wanted to be the first to say congrats._

_I remember my Spectre ceremony like it was yesterday. Tevos, Valern, Sparatus… none of them are here now and we both know why. Trust Udina to be the only one to survive. What I'm trying to say is, it was a special moment for me, for humanity, and I'll never forget it or the people who put me here._

_If I was talking with any other new Spectre, I'd be telling them not to let the power go to their head. But I don't need to do that with you. You're going to be the best example of a Spectre. You're level-headed, deliberate, intelligent, confident without being arrogant, and you're one of the good guys, that's for damn sure._

_Most of all, you're honourable. Don't discount the power of honour, Kaidan, and never compromise yourself. Never stop being_ you, _no matter what gets thrown at you. It only takes one slip and before you know it, you're justifying all kinds of things to yourself. Saren was one example._

_On a smaller scale, I'm an example, too. Let's not pretend otherwise._

_I know you doubt yourself sometimes but consider this: I was installed as a Spectre to meet a need, so the Council could send an agent into the Terminus to go after Saren. I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but remember there's no Saren now, no specific reason for another human Spectre._

_Which means you got this on merit and you EARNED it._

_I'm proud of you, if that means anything._

_One more thing: I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on Udina. He didn't think twice about screwing us over in 2183 and we almost didn't stop Saren because of him. Maybe he's mellowed since then, who knows. Just be careful._

_But enough of me telling you what to do. I know you'll always do the right thing._

_I'll be in touch soon._

_-Shepard._

Yeah, Shepard was feeling low when he wrote that. He mentions me doubting myself but his own self-doubt is woven into every word. Regret, too.

I'm fortunate to still be able to see that. To most other people, Shepard _never_ doubts himself, never regrets anything. In his position he can't afford to, because he's got his crew and their morale to think about. A good CO is _always_ confident in front of his people, no matter what they're feeling inside.

I'm one of the lucky ones—or at least _was—_ who he allowed into his inner circle. Garrus, too. He came to us when he needed an opinion, a sounding board, or a shoulder.

Used to call _me_ his 'shoulder'. But that was a long time ago.

Don't know so much about the people he mixed with while he was with Cerberus, whether he made any good friends among them. Thanks to the Spectre terminal, I just found out that the notorious merc-killer, Archangel, was none other than Garrus. There've been rumours for a while but I know for certain now. Can't say I'm surprised because I doubt anyone else but Shepard and Vakarian would have been able to put down all of Omega's gangs and live to talk about it. Or not talk about it as the case may be.

Then there's the drell assassin, Thane Krios. Checked out his dossier and he looks kinda familiar, but I can't figure out why. There's Zaeed Massani, Kasumi Goto and a _geth,_ for God's sake. Plus the Cerberus personnel and a handful of old faces like Tali. One thing they all have in common is: _Current whereabouts unknown._

Guess I better reply to his email but I'll keep the tone light for now. No big 'Way to go curing the genophage!' or anything like that, either. Keep it simple, and maybe next time I see him I'll get him to open up a bit.

Now let's see how this Spectre channel works.

_-Spectre authorisation code {REDACTED}-_

_To: CMDR Shepard, SSV Normandy_

_From: MAJ Alenko, {LOCATION REDACTED}_

Location redacted? Huh. That could come in handy. Can I alter that? No? Okay, then.

_Subject: Thanks_

_Hey there,_

_It means a lot that you're proud of me and I appreciate everything you said._

_Don't worry about Udina. He's been going out of his way to see I've got what I need. Maybe he has mellowed, but I've got a long memory, Shepard. I'll never forget the hours that were wasted while we were impounded by that son of a bitch at the Citadel. I'm ready for the possibility he's got an agenda but we'll see._

_Thought I'd try out my new Spectre channel. Is it really as secure as they say it is? Guess I'll find out next time I see Udina. If he's scowling, I'll know_ he _knows I called him an SOB._

_Oh wait. He's always scowling._

_You know that by now I've heard about Tuchanka. Just wanted to say I'm sorry about your friend. You need me for anything, you know where I am. I mean that._

_Hope to see you soon. And thanks again._

_Take care. Kaidan._

**Normandy, CIC, in orbit around Uttuku (Shepard's POV)**

"Anything to report?" I ask Traynor as I step out of the elevator.

"You've got unread messages at your private terminal, sir."

"Okay." I open my emails, finding a reply from Kaidan plus a few other non-urgent ones. Maybe now I'll be able to grab some sleep once I've read them.

"Just a moment, Commander," Traynor says, studying her monitor, "Salarian Councillor Esheel is requesting a private audience with you. She's sent the highest level Council security clearance."

"Esheel?" My stomach flips over. "EDI, that thing we talked about earlier? The channel _was_ secure, right?"

"I wrote the encryption myself, Shepard. Together with your Spectre authorisation, the 'thing we talked about' was nigh on impenetrable. I detected no evidence of interception attempts or tampering before it was deleted."

I watch Traynor for a second, my fingers drumming against the console. "All right. I'll take it in the… actually, I'll take it upstairs. Thanks."

"Of course, Commander. Patching it through."

I head up to my cabin, having already formulated several responses to Esheel's questions. She _couldn't_ have intercepted my conversation with Bailey… could she? If she did, I need to get Bailey off the hook. He didn't tell me anything I couldn't have found on the Spectre terminal, but I'm guessing the councillors don't take kindly to snooping… _or_ big-mouthed C-Sec officers.

I take a seat and activate the vid-com. A small holo of Esheel appears in front of my terminal.

"Councillor? Can I help you?"

She's smiling. Guess she _didn't_ intercept the message. "Commander, the Dalatrass tells me that you displayed remarkable foresight on Tuchanka. The Salarian Union owes you a great debt, as does the galaxy as a whole."

We're not going there.

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"Yes. I regret to inform you that Earth's representative, Donnel Udina, has been implicated in some rather unsavoury activities."

"Udina?" That gets my attention. "What kind of activities?"

"What is of most concern is that he has authorised the transfer of large sums of Council monies to a third party. He covered his tracks quite well but I've had my own people monitoring him and today we were able to determine exactly where those funds are going."

"And?"

"I'm not going to reveal any more than that over this channel. I need you to meet with me on the Citadel as soon as possible."

I sit back, crossing my arms. "Don't dangle a carrot in front of me, Councillor. Who's he paying off?"

"As I stated, I am not prepared to reveal any more than I already have until we meet in person."

"A minute ago you told me your people owe me a great debt. Now you're summoning me while keeping me in the dark? That's not how friends who share _secrets_ deal with each other."

She's still smiling but it no longer shows in her eyes. "Please do not insult us both by making empty threats, Commander. Should what occurred on Tuchanka become public knowledge, I can assure you the evidence points to one person only, and that person is not salarian. It is my hope, in the spirit of our _friendship_ , that the evidence will never need to be released."

Gotta love the salarians. Always cover their bases. Smart move but it doesn't get me what I want.

"Meet me at the Embassies," she orders. "We should not let anyone believe there is anything amiss." She turns as if about to leave.

"What do you know about the League of One, Councillor?"

She stops, slowly turning around. "I beg your pardon?"

"I think you heard me just fine."

I can picture those salarian neurons firing off at a thousand miles an hour. Looks like she's decided to play it cool.

"As I'm sure you're already aware, the League of One was an STG initiative. I fail to see how this is relevant."

"I could get _that_ information off the extranet. I'm interested in what I _can't_ find there. I have a hunch you may be able to help me with that. Know what I mean?"

It's a risk. I have no clue what her connection with the League of One is, or if there even _is_ a connection. But she's not smiling anymore.

"I don't know what it is you think you know—"

"No. You don't. But I'm not prepared to reveal any more over this channel."

We watch each other, neither blinking, as she considers whether I'm bluffing or not. Reminds me of the staring contests I used to take part in as a kid. I never lost.

"What do you want, Commander?"

"A name, nothing else, and all of this goes away."

She sighs and then composes herself. Mord… I was once told that salarians admire cunning in other species and are usually amenable when they know they're beat.

"The funds were transferred to some… former friends of yours through an intermediary. Given Udina's pro-human stance, it shouldn't be too difficult for someone as shrewd as you to figure out. I'll be seeing you soon, no doubt."

The comm. link is cut and her image fades away.

Pro-human former friends of mine? That doesn't make for a long list of suspects. Always knew Udina was underhanded but I never expected this, even from him.

Is he indoctrinated?

 _Kaidan_.

I'm already at the elevator. "Joker, get us to the Citadel. Like _y_ _esterday._ "

"You got it, Commander."


	6. From the Citadel to the Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another HUGE thank-you to Carrie for being my Grunt and saying "No!" to stupid things, as well as her general awesomeness! Team Fire Cobra Claw 4Eva! And thank you, as always, to all who are reading, especially those of you who leave comments. :)
> 
> Jocu19, there's a little something for you in this chapter, inspired by our recent conversation. You'll know it when you see it! ;)

**Normandy, CIC, en-route to Citadel (Shepard's POV)**

I'm standing in front of my terminal, waiting for Kaidan to reply to my email. It's been ten minutes and I've heard nothing.

"Come on, Kaidan, _open_ it," I urge.

"Want me to raise Huerta, Commander?" asks Joker over the comm. "We're in range."

"No, not yet. I'm going to try again."

_Kaidan,_

_I can't tell you why but you need to discharge yourself immediately and wait in bay D-24. DO NOT commence ANY Spectre duties, no matter who orders you to. PLEASE do as I say. I'll explain later. Trust that there is a good reason._

"Joker, ETA?"

"Four minutes before we reach the outer arms but we'll be dropping out of FTL in three, so another nineteen before we get to bay D-24."

"Damn it!"

_We'll be there in twenty-five minutes. Get to D-24 as soon as you can. Kaidan, if you never follow another order of mine, follow this one. Please._

_-Shepard._

I send it and head up to the cockpit where I lean against the back of Joker's chair. "Can't you get us there any faster?"

"We are in the latter part of our FTL flight plan and our velocity is decreasing," EDI says. "To increase our speed now would be inadvisable and would ultimately delay us."

Joker huffs and shakes his head. " _Inadvisable_? Uh, yeah, ripping the ship apart definitely falls into that category. We're still in FTL, sir."

I sigh. "Okay, I _get_ it. Joker, contact the hospital. EDI, I want you to meet Liara in the hangar bay. Go get ready."

"Right away." She gets up and I take her seat next to Joker.

"Joker? I said contact the hospital."

"Yeah, I'm trying!" He's frowning at his readout and punching up several different channels. "What the hell? I can't raise anyone!"

"What about Control?"

"Citadel Control, this is the SSV Normandy, requesting permission to dock."

Nothing. Not even static.

"Citadel _Control_ , this is the _SSV Normandy_ requesting permission to dock. _Please acknowledge_."

"EDI?" I ask, my omni-tool already alight. "Is there a problem on our end?"

"Negative. Citadel comm. buoys are offline."

My stomach drops. "Reason?"

"Unknown."

I don't like this. The comm. buoys around Earth, Palaven, Khar'shan and Arcturus Station all went down when the Reapers attacked, but they've left the Citadel alone so far. Besides, the Citadel's got the keepers and the best techs in the galaxy. Its comm. buoys do not go down. They just _don't._

"Trying emergency channels," Joker says. "Hey! Yeah! This is Joker! Yeah, no kidding."

"Who's that?"

"Commander, I've got Thane here."

"Let's hear it."

"Just a sec." He hits the comm. "Dropping out of FTL in 3… 2… 1."

He activates the Citadel emergency channel and I grip the arms of my chair as we decelerate.

"Thane? You there?"

"Shepard, Cerberus soldiers have taken control of the station. I've managed to evade them so far."

" _Cerberus_." I break into a cold sweat. "You okay?"

"Yes, for the moment. I'm out of the hospital and in a Citadel storefront, trying to make my way to C-Sec, but I can't move too quickly. Breathing is difficult."

"Did you see the biotic, Alenko? The one in the private room?"

"No, but I don't believe he was in the hospital when the attack began."

"Okay, Thane. We're almost there. Stay out of sight. I know you can still fight but don't take any risks."

"I won't. Take care, Shepard. Perhaps we will meet when this is over."

There's a loud crackle and Joker curses. "Shit! Lost him. Sorry, sir."

I nod and turn to him, our eyes locking. "We're not in FTL now."

"I'll see if Adams can give us any more juice. You go do your thing, Commander."

I stand up and slap his arm before heading out. "Cortez, be ready to deploy in the Kodiak. Need you to take us as close to C-Sec as you can."

**The Citadel, near C-Sec headquarters (Thane's POV)**

If I were in good health, evading these indoctrinated myrmidons would be a simple matter. None of them possess any real skill, and the little they do have is courtesy of implanted technology. That may avail them in the short term—when it comes to the strength of their shields, for example—but normally they would provide little challenge.

However, on this occasion Arashu has not heeded my prayers and my body is detaching from the Whole Self. My chest is tight, my heartbeat erratic. I must exercise caution if I am to proceed unnoticed.

My mark has moved easily through the throngs of Cerberus troops, directing their movements. He has a purpose, unlike the sheep he is shepherding, and it's this I must discover.

We're nearing C-Sec but he circumvents the building; clearly, what he seeks is not inside its walls. Once I reach the outer perimeter of the building the reason for this is clear: Cerberus has already dispatched those within. I count no less than twenty well-armed, fully-armoured turians scattered about the foyer.

I wait and, during a lull in activity, slip in through a broken window. Inside, I am better protected although I must remain on my guard—there may still be a Cerberus presence here.

I take a moment to pray for the souls who bravely surrendered their lives, then pick up the trail, keeping the figure in black in clear sight at all times through the windows.

I ascend to the upper level, finding more turians as well as a number of human officers at my feet. The sound of distant gunfire draws my attention for a moment but I do not lose sight of the target. He's approaching a neighbouring building and has called a number of sheep to his side.

Something is about to happen.

I quicken my pace although doing so elicits pain in my upper chest. I slip out a window onto a small platform connecting to the neighbouring building. Yet more C-Sec officers lie dead here, their sniper rifles lying uselessly on the ground. These were sentries, possibly trained in stealth and advanced combat techniques, and yet they could not withstand the overwhelming numbers of Cerberus soldiers.

There is more gunfire and shouting originating from the building in front of me. I scale a wall and find myself on its roof. I quickly locate an access hatch and work on bypassing the lock, which takes time, and drop down into the building's air conditioning ducts.

Here, I can move quickly and noiselessly.

After a short while I locate a luxuriously-appointed office. Looking down through the grate, I see a turian face-down on the desk, as well as two armed salarians, who are lying on the floor.

Then a movement catches my eye. I hold my breath and slowly lift the grate, affording me a better view.

Below me are two human females dressed head-to-toe in black, their faces concealed. Each is armed with a sword.

I keep still on my haunches, awaiting an opening.

They turn their backs and I drop down, disarming the first woman and snapping her neck. Before her partner can respond, the sword has already pierced her heart. They hit the floor with a dull thud.

With caution I examine the turian. A holo on his desk reads: _Executor Venari Pallin._

This man was head of Citadel Security. Was he Cerberus's target, or was he removed to facilitate their hunt for another?

The office is carpeted and I follow the trail of the disturbed pile, boot prints revealing themselves as I become accustomed to the elegant pattern. I step out onto a floor of glass with a balcony. I crouch behind a potted plant and look down upon what appears to be a conference room with large tables and several chairs.

Scanning the room, I detect no movement. I look up, seeing no other exit from this position. There is only one path the assassin could have taken, and it leads to the conference room. A quick survey reveals a small ornamental tree on the lower level, whose branches reach the balcony. I test its strength and decide it will bear my weight. Slowly, I climb over the balcony and carefully pick my way down, but freeze when I hear movement behind me.

A shrouded female—who I believe to be salarian councillor Esheel—uncloaks but does not see me. I continue down as she warily rises to her full height. She appears to have been in hiding. It does not take long before her pursuer reveals himself: he is the very man _I_ have been pursuing.

They circle one another without speaking.

A window shatters and I see Commander Shepard's arrival, his omni-tool trained on the assassin. I won't compromise his advantage by revealing my position, and wait.

Then a side door opens and Liara T'Soni enters with a synthetic at her side. A standoff ensues.

Esheel exposes human councillor Udina as a traitor and Cerberus collaborator, and Shepard and his rival taunt one another while I inch closer. This assassin really is an amateur: he has failed to cover his rear flank, a mistake I take immediate advantage of.

I jab at him, disrupting his biotic field. There is a flurry of shots, and a burst of flame from Shepard, but the target is gone.

"Spread out," commands Shepard, his pistol drawn. "Standard search pattern. You okay, Thane?"

I nod to him and he returns the gesture.

His eyes widen and snap to the left. "Behind—!"

I have already anticipated the counterattack and turn to meet it, answering with a biotic punch, sending the target sprawling along the polished floor. Another hail of shots chase him but he is too fast—his unnatural speed no doubt augmented by Cerberus implants—and he runs toward me, his sword drawn.

I dodge his first clumsy thrust and spin around, catching his chest with my fist. When in my prime I would already have defeated him, but he meets me blow for blow. I see Shepard to my side, his aim wavering as my assailant and I move in a blur.

I start to tire and decide to finish this while I still can. The assassin is short in stature and I can use that to my advantage. We pull apart and I employ the last of my momentum into—

The body detaches from me. I am no longer Whole.

"Thane! _Thane!"_

My eyesight fades and the voices that surround me grow quiet and distant. My body does as it wills. I feel no pain and my vigour is returned to me. I hear the sounds of the Encompassing, the breaking of waves, the song of the hanar—soft bells that fall on me like rain. I feel the spray against my face, the sand beneath my feet, the warmth on my back.

She is here.

I walk toward her and she smiles in recognition, holding a hand out to me. She is all I remember, all I have ever known. I have always belonged to her.

I reach out to touch her but she withdraws her hand.

" _Irikah,"_ I say, _"I have come for you."_

She shakes her head. _"Not yet, my husband. It is not your time."_

" _When?"_

" _Soon."_

"Thane! Talk to me!"

I'm violently pulled away and I do not want to leave. My eyes open and I see blue, hearing vaguely familiar voices. My vision resolves. Liara is kneeling next to me, anxiety etched all over her face. "He's coming to!"

"Stay with him!" Shepard orders, walking away from us. I see the glow of his omni-tool and an abandoned sky car from a lower level rises, landing beside him. He and the synthetic then step inside the vehicle.

"Commander!" Esheel calls after him. "You must stop Udina before he gets the rest of the Council killed!"

"Don't worry about Udina," he says with a menacing air as he pulls the hatch down. "He and that excuse for an assassin are already dead."

The sky car departs and the salarian councillor crouches next to Liara. "Can you save him?" she asks, her tone grave.

"Thane, I'm going to make you comfortable until help arrives," says the asari as she administers medi-gel. "Just try to relax."

"This is Councillor Esheel," the salarian says with authority, touching her earpiece. "I need urgent medical assistance at my location." There is a brief pause. "I am fully aware that the station is under attack! Do as I say! Immediately!"

My eyesight grows dim and Liara clutches my hand. "Soon," I whisper, my breaths weak and shallow. "Soon, Irikah."

"Yes," she answers sadly. "I'm sorry. You won't feel any pain, I've made sure of that."

"I must… I must entreat Arashu to keep Shepard safe before my soul detaches. Will you join me?"

"Of course." She presses my hands together and both women assume a supplicant posture, awaiting my next words.

**Citadel Embassies (Kaidan's POV)**

So Udina got me discharged from the hospital and I'm filling out _more_ forms. Wonder if Shepard had to wade through so much red tape. Heh, could imagine him wiring it all back to the Council with a note attached saying something like, 'The 21st century just called. Wants its health and safety crap back'.

Wonder how he's doing. He never replied to my email but then I haven't been at my terminal for a few hours and he's a busy man. I don't think he knows how much his emails helped me through being bored outta my mind for the past week. Hope I get to see him soon.

I miss him. There, I admitted it.

I'm waiting outside Udina's office, passing the time with Councillor Irissa's aide. This is the second time Udina's asked me to step outside. Guess he's got private business to take care of. Then I get a call from Dr. Casey, reminding me to stay in touch. I keep her talking for a bit.

This isn't exactly how I envisaged being a Spectre would work. Was hoping I'd be sent off somewhere exotic to crack some galactic smuggling ring or… something. Anything but all this waiting around. Got me wondering if the Council's docs didn't pass me for duty? But why? I feel great.

Hear my name mentioned and walk over to the news terminal. It's Citadel-E!, a trashy entertainment channel that reports on the really important stuff, like who's sleeping with who and how much weight the Consort's gained lately. Is she pregnant?

I see my picture, which has obviously been doctored to make my eyes brighter and my skin more tanned, and wait for the story to loop around again.

"Newly-appointed Spectre, Major Kaidan Alenko, has knocked Commander Shepard off the top spot in our monthly Sexiest Human Male poll! Spectre Alenko, who's believed to be single, ladies (although he's rumoured to be more of a man's man than he likes to let on, if you catch our drift), is currently on assignment at the Citadel. Sorry, Shepard, but there's a new hunk in town! You two wanna fight this out—preferably in your underwear—give us a call!"

They run some old footage of me filmed from behind and the camera zooms in on my butt. "We're Citadel-E! and this is our favourite ass on the Citadel!"

Holy _shit._

I access the Citadel's broadcast systems and attempt to block transmission but the channel's VI tells me that's not possible.

"Spectre authority," I bark at it, my cheeks burning. "Take this article off the air. Now. I did _not_ give permission for my image to be used in this way and I promise I _will_ make trouble for you if you continue."

Like magic, the article disappears and gets replaced with something I can't even hear. I'm so furious my hands are shaking. Is this the kind of crap I'll have to deal with? Am I a fucking _celebrity_ now? Is every single thing I do going to be talked about, examined, judged, like they do with Shepard?

I rub my forehead hard, looking around to see if anyone noticed. If they did, they decided not to mess with the purple-faced biotic and got the hell outta here.

"Alenko." I look up and Udina's beckoning me from his office. "Inside."

I draw a shaky breath and follow him in. I'm fired up enough to ask him when I'm supposed to be doing anything interesting, but I don't get the chance. He tells me there's a station-wide perimeter alert and he's checking his terminal.

"Perimeter alert?" I ask, walking to the window and drawing my gun. "What does that mean?"

"It means hostiles have attempted to gain access to the station. Keep your wits about you."

" _Hostiles?_ Who's hostile to the Citadel?" I look up at a formation of shuttles flying overhead. Is that… is that a _Cerberus_ logo?

"Councillor! Move away from the window!" I grab him and bundle him to the near side of the office, standing in front of him as I activate my earpiece, contacting the other councillors' aides. "Be advised: there is a _fire_. Move your people to the designated safe place immediately. Repeat: There is a fire. Alenko out."

I've already been told about the panic room on the Embassies and that's where I'm supposed to take Udina in the event of an attack, but I'm not altogether happy about us being locked in a room with no other exits.

But this is the safest part of the entire station and if Cerberus is here, they must be everywhere, so it's time to move out.

I wanted excitement and I guess I got more than I bargained for.

Udina and I are first at the panic room and it's a no-go. Control panel's fried, meaning we can't lock the door from the inside. Whoever did this knew exactly what they were doing.

I keep Udina out of sight and wait for the other councillors to arrive, but only Quentius and Irissa show. "Where's Councillor Esheel?" I ask Udina, touching my earpiece, but he slaps my hand away.

"For all we know Cerberus may be monitoring internal comm. channels! We can't risk giving our position away!" He's right but we need to know if she's safe. I tell them to stay put while I take a look but Udina countermands me. "We can't worry about Esheel now! For all we know she was behind this! How the hell did Cerberus get aboard the Citadel? It has to be an inside job!"

"I fear Udina could be right," says Irissa, the asari councillor. "Cerberus must have had help from someone highly-placed on the station."

"Surely you're not agreeing with him?" argues turian councillor Quentius. "To suggest Esheel had a hand in this is preposterous!"

Irissa shakes her head. "I'm not accusing anyone. But it is clear there is a traitor among us."

"We don't have time to argue about this!" I say, cueing up my omni-tool. "Says there's a service elevator right around this corner. We can take it to the roof and call C-Sec from there."

"Assuming _Cerberus_ is not on the roof," counters Quentius.

"That's a chance we'll have to take. We're sitting ducks here. Stay out of sight!" I press myself against the wall and keep my gun tight against my chest as I peer around the corner.

Nothing. Not a sound. I see the elevator but it's about 250 feet away. Keeping my back against the wall, I edge toward it, expecting Cerberus to ambush me at any second, but there's no one around. It's quiet. _Too_ quiet.

I reach the elevator and signal Quentius, who's been watching me. He, Udina and Irissa run toward me while I call the elevator, keeping my eyes peeled at all times.

"Where is everyone?" asks Udina.

"I don't know. Maybe they haven't gotten through to the Embassies yet."

Irissa exhales. "I hope you're right. We locked our aides in an office and told them to hide."

"I'm sure they're fine, Madam Councillor," I reply and we all look up as more Cerberus shuttles go overhead. "I'm going to try to contact C-Sec," I say, but Udina shakes his head. "We can't fly in the dark here!" I argue.

"Let us at least wait until we're on the roof. We can access a security terminal and call a shuttle from there. At least we will be certain it's a C-Sec shuttle from the terminal. If you try to call C-Sec from here, Cerberus may intercept your signal."

I don't agree with him but he knows the station better than I do, and I just want to get everyone inside and safe. The elevator arrives and I inspect it carefully for traps or explosives. Finding nothing, I get the councillors aboard and close the doors.

**EDI's POV**

"Are you injured?" I ask Shepard, pulling him up by the hand.

"I'm fine. You?"

"I am also fine. Thank you for asking." We examine the roof of the elevator, which has halted. Numerous holes riddle its surface, a chilling legacy of the assassin's attempt on Shepard's life. "You are fortunate to have survived."

"Yeah, no shit." He crouches down and I join him, our omni-tools working. "Let's get this hatch open."

"Cerberus is aware of our presence and will be preparing defences," I advise. "We should anticipate an aggressive response once we disembark."

"Way ahead of you there."

Shepard is highly proficient in hacking electronics so I do not interfere with his attempt to bypass the hatch. Although he cannot compare with a synthetic, his skill is impressive for an organic. After 11.7 seconds—more than double the time I would have required—he is successful.

"Got it." He carefully lifts the hatch and lies flat, extending his head a short distance below. "Door's closed." He swivels around and drops into the elevator, catching me by the waist as I join him. He then points to the right side of the door, indicating that I should stand there, and moves to the left, drawing his pistol. I do likewise.

"Disable his shields," I say, and he nods in agreement. "His implants appear to afford him the ability to quickly recharge them, but such an action leaves him vulnerable for a short time."

"Agreed. Just you and me, EDI. Let's make this count."

"Yes." I detect a sharp increase in Shepard's heart rate and epinephrine production, heralding his 'fight-or-flight' response. "We fight."

He inhales deeply and I push the button to open the doors. I exit first, quickly followed by Shepard.

Unexpectedly, the Cerberus assassin is not here, nor are any Cerberus soldiers.

"Shepard? What the hell's going on?" asks Major Alenko, who is aiming his gun at us.

My body's optics detect the presence of three of the Citadel Council: Udina is standing at a terminal, Irissa and Quentius a short distance away from him.

Without preamble, Shepard's vital signs register a massive increase in cortisol, ACTH and testosterone output.

"You son of a bitch!" He aims his gun at Councillor Udina, but Alenko's reaction is swift. The gun is shot out of Shepard's hand, but not before Shepard's shot pierces Udina's shoulder. The human councillor cries out in pain and falls onto his back.

Irissa runs to Udina's aid and Alenko tackles Shepard to the ground, but Shepard appears to offer no resistance, letting his arms fall out to the sides.

"Stay right there!" Alenko shouts, his own gun aimed at Shepard's head. I immediately take aim at Alenko. "Councillor Udina! Are you okay?"

"He has sustained a deep flesh wound," Irissa answers as she attends to the human. "He could have been killed without your quick thinking, Spectre Alenko."

"Explain yourself! _Now!"_ Alenko is straddling Shepard, his hands appearing to tremble as he presses his gun hard against Shepard's throat.

"Listen to me," Shepard says firmly but without aggression. "We were chasing a Cerberus assassin that was sent after Councillor Esheel because she was about to expose Udina! He's been playing you, Kaidan! He's responsible for all this!"

"Bullshit! Udina was with me at the Embassies when Cerberus hit the station! He couldn't have been involved!"

"You are in error, Major," I counter, my aim on Alenko unwavering. "Esheel and Shepard uncovered evidence tying Udina to Cerberus. They were to meet on the Citadel but Cerberus had already seized control of the station with Udina's assistance. Shepard attempted to warn you of the incursion via email, but you did not respond."

"You think I don't recognise you?" Alenko says, appearing not to believe my assertion. "You're the mech that nearly killed me on Mars!"

"I am EDI, the Normandy's artificial intelligence. I have merely assumed control of Dr. Eva's body. My intent toward you is not hostile but I assure you that any attempt to injure Shepard will be met with lethal force."

Alenko turns back to Shepard, his gun still held at his throat. "Give me your omni-tool."

"Take it," Shepard offers, extending his arm. "I've got another pistol concealed beneath my chest piece. That's all. I'm _not_ trying to kill you _or_ the Council, Kaidan. I'm trying to stop Udina and his assassin. You _must_ have seen signs that something was wrong! Think about it!"

A look of confusion crosses Alenko's face and there is a commotion next to the terminal.

"Take your hands off me, Asari!" Udina rejects Irissa's attempt to apply medi-gel and pushes himself to his feet, an object falling from his person to the ground.

Quentius runs forward and retrieves what appears to be a pistol. "Udina… why are you armed?"

Alenko turns his attention away from Shepard. Under normal circumstances, Shepard would have taken immediate advantage of the situation and disarmed Alenko, but he makes no attempt to do so.

" _Why_ is he armed, Kaidan?" he asks the major. "Only Spectres and C-Sec are allowed weapons on the Citadel! You know this isn't right!"

Udina activates his omni-tool, entering a command. "I'm not going to explain myself to anyone while we're under attack! I'm calling the shuttle!"

At the same moment, a screeching sound comes from a nearby security door.

"Kaidan!" Shepard exclaims, "Cerberus is about to come through that door! Stop _thinking_ for a minute and _do_ something! We can figure out who's to blame later!"

Alenko gives a brief sigh before holding out a hand. "Your pistol."

Shepard produces his concealed weapon and relinquishes it to the major, who stands and pulls Shepard up. They stare at one another for approximately four seconds. "I'm going to protect the Council," Alenko says in a sober tone. "You can keep your omni-tool."

Shepard closes his eyes momentarily. "Thank you."

"Give me that gun!" Udina says to Quentius. "Cerberus is coming!"

The turian councillor shakes his head, his expression cold. "I believe _I'll_ keep it."

Alenko moves away from Shepard but briefly looks over his shoulder. _"Don't_ make me regret this," he says fearfully.

"I won't."

Shepard and I take oblique positions to the security door while Alenko moves the Council members behind cover. Shepard activates a turret in front of the door and joins me behind a shrub while he adjusts its settings.

The door opens—

" _Don't move!"_ Shepard yells, darting from cover.

Commander Bailey and some of his officers are standing there, arms raised. "Whatever you say." Bailey gives a nervous laugh, stepping back.

While Shepard deactivates the turret, Alenko approaches him. "Doesn't look like Cerberus to me," he says in a suspicious tone.

"Shuttle!" Bailey shouts, pointing behind us. "Get your asses out here!"

Several things happen at once. Approximately a dozen C-Sec officers follow Bailey through the security door and take up positions. The shuttle, bearing Cerberus colours, lands and a number of hostiles emerge. There is a scuffle between Councillors Udina and Quentius. A shot is fired and Quentius falls, Udina gaining possession of the weapon.

"Goddamit!" Shepard curses before overloading Udina's gun.

"Shepard!" Major Alenko slides a pistol toward him, which Shepard retrieves.

A firefight commences. During the hostilities four C-Sec officers are killed and it is revealed that Quentius is not fatally injured. When the Cerberus soldiers are defeated, Alenko places Udina under arrest while Quentius is tended to by medics.

"I oughta kill you," Alenko threatens the traitorous councillor, his gun aimed at Udina's chest, "but _I've_ got integrity."

Udina's eyes move to the ground where his pistol lies, Shepard's overload effect having worn off. In a desperate bid to save himself, Udina dives for the gun but is cut down by a hail of shots.

Alenko looks around as Shepard and Bailey holster their weapons.

"Bastard had it comin'," Bailey mutters without emotion before looking at his deceased colleagues and releasing a sigh. "Wish I could kill him again for ya. Damn it, fellas, I'm sorry."

**Kaidan's POV**

I'm shaking inside. I watch as Quentius is stretchered away, Irissa touching my arm before leaving with him. The C-Sec officers take care of their own. Nobody cares about Cerberus or Udina, their bodies left behind for now. I can't even look at them. _  
_

I know Shepard's watching me from a ways off but he doesn't come up to me. Maybe he's pissed and doesn't know what to say to me, or maybe he knows how humiliated I feel and… doesn't know what to say to me.

What _can_ he say? Nothing's going to bring those officers back.

I hear a noise behind me and whip around, finding Shepard's mech standing next to me. I back off a little, not sure how to react to it.

"Major Alenko? Do you require medical assistance?"

"Uh… no. I'm good."

"Very well."

It walks away and talks with Shepard for a bit and then it leaves. He blows out his cheeks and we slowly walk toward each other, stopping a few feet apart.

"Hell of a day," he says flatly.

I can't even nod. I just look at him.

"Thanks for giving me my gun back."

I look around. "The other one's around here somewhere."

He pats his chest. "Found it."

"Right."

"You okay?"

I let out a laugh that has absolutely no humour behind it. "No, Shepard. I'm _not_ okay."

He takes a small step closer. "You were doing your job. You had no idea what was happening."

"My job." I stare into space, nodding several times. "Doing my job got four C-Sec officers killed."

" _Cerberus_ got them killed."

"Did they? Maybe if I'd listened to you it might not have happened."

He moves in front of me but I still can't look at him. "Why would you have listened to me? I came up here and shot one of the Council. Doubt I'd have listened to me, either. If those officers' deaths are on anyone, it's me. I… wasn't thinking straight."

He sounds… I dunno, kinda sad. "What happened?"

His head falls back and he looks up at the sky. "A friend of mine was badly wounded saving Esheel from an assassin Udina hired. I don't know if he'll make it. Then I got up here, saw Udina with you, and that was it. No way I was gonna let him live. I knew he was with Cerberus and I thought he'd kill the lot of you."

"Did they get the assassin?"

"No, he's gone. But he'll show up again and when he does, I'll be ready for him."

I turn and finally look at Udina, walking up to him. Shepard follows me. I stop next to the corpse and shake my head. "This was why he wanted me, wasn't it? I knew guard work wasn't a Spectre's usual MO but I felt so honoured I didn't question it. He just wanted some stooge he could use and throw away. I feel so stupid."

"I don't know what _his_ reasons were," Shepard says, "but remember, Spectres have to be approved by the entire Council. There are character references, testimonials… it's not just down to one person. Forget Udina. Everyone else involved agreed you were right for the job. I agreed."

"Character references?" I ask, meeting his eyes.

"Yeah."

"Thanks," I manage, keeping eye contact. I could swear his facial scarring's gotten worse. "Shepard… I don't know what to say."

"Spectres," Commander Bailey says through our omni-tools, "got comms. back up. Shepard, your asari friend's been trying to reach you."

"Copy that." Shepard touches his earpiece. "Liara? Yeah, we're fine. Are you and Esheel safe? Okay. Udina's dead. How's Thane doing?" He pauses for a bit and I see something in his eyes I don't like. "On my way."

"Everything okay?" I ask.

"I need to get to the hospital. Can we talk later?"

I nod. "Sure. Hope your friend's okay."

"I don't think…" He shrugs. "Yeah. Look, the Normandy's docked in D-24. Go say hi to Joker and Garrus. I'll meet you aboard later." He activates his omni-tool. "Use my cabin to freshen up. Here's the bypass code. I gotta go."

He's walking away but before he leaves, he turns back. "It's not haunted," he says quietly.

I give him a nod and look at Udina one last time before heading out.


	7. Ebb and Flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you to the fabulous Carrie! She's the one who grabs my ankles and brings me down to Earth when I float away, which is a very good thing. :)
> 
> Also, I'm hugely grateful for the wonderful comments and kudos the story's received. They really do give me a boost. Thank you!

**Normandy, the Citadel (Kaidan's POV)**

I'm on the SR-2 and it's quite a ship, even if it _was_ built by Cerberus. Soon as I step aboard I'm greeted by Joker and we spend time catching up. The mech's seated next to him. It's… does no one find it a little strange that it's got complete control of the ship? I mean I get it's the Normandy's AI, but after my experiences with the geth on Eden Prime and after almost getting my neck broken by a machine, I'm finding it difficult to make small talk with a synthetic. Maybe it's just me. The rest of the crew seem to trust the thing, and I get the feeling Joker's especially attached to it, so I say nothing for now.

Joker tells me when I go up to the cabin, I should watch out because it's totally haunted but Shepard's technically undead anyway, so he fits right in.

I reply that ghosts can't hurt you, and zombies only feed on brains, so Joker and I are pretty safe.

Then EDI corrects us both by explaining that there's no empirical evidence to support the existence of ghosts or any other supernatural phenomena, and there was nothing supernatural about Shepard's resurrection.

"I think you'll find it's called _reanimation_ ," Joker comments before turning back to his console.

Traynor, Shepard's aide, meets me in the CIC and shows me around. Sounds like Shepard apprised her of my arrival so I get the royal treatment. I'm saluted everywhere I go, which is something new. When Shepard was in command of the SR-1 he made it known that saluting was only necessary when confirming orders, or when a VIP or one of the brass was aboard. Anderson went by the military book but Shepard was more relaxed. Nothing wrong with either approach—each CO's got their own way of running things and you don't question it.

So am I a VIP now or is Shepard more by the book these days?

I spend a little time with Garrus, Liara and Adams. Good to see them back on board—Normandy wouldn't be the same without them. Then I head up to the cabin. Traynor assigned me a temporary security clearance and said I can use Shepard's terminal to check my mail or whatever.

I take a quick look and find two emails from Shepard telling me to get my ass to D-24. EDI was right: he knew and tried to warn me.

It bothers me and I start thinking about what happened on the Citadel. Too much. My mind's sometimes like a horrible person that keeps reliving everything and throwing it all back in my face, telling me how I could have done things better if only _I_ was better. I pick away at myself, question everything and if I can see the negative in something, I do. Only when I'm talking with other people, when I'm busy, can I shut it out.

I'm pacing and I don't want Shepard finding me like this. I need to _do_ something.

The cabin's a mess. The bed's unmade and there are seven or eight data pads strewn over it. Three used coffee cups sit on the table, one of which has clearly been there for days, judging by the curdled dregs at the bottom. There are casual clothes thrown over the back of the couch and the scatter cushions are… scattered.

I take the cups into the bathroom and rinse them in the basin, using a little shower gel to get them really clean. There's a smell in here… not unpleasant, but definitely masculine. Definitely _him._ I like it and stay in here a little longer than I really need to.

I dry the cups and return them to the table. Then I fold the clothes and arrange the cushions so they're evenly lined up, adjusting them a few times until I'm happy with them. I'm not touching the bed, that's too personal.

Hell, Kaidan, you just rearranged his quarters and you're worried about the _bed?_

The door to the cabin opens and I'm caught like a kid with his fingers in the candy jar. Shepard walks in, casually looks around and then goes to the coffee pot, switching it on. "Settled in okay?"

A breath rushes out of me. "Uh, yeah. I just, ah…"

"I was pretty busy this morning and didn't allow anyone in here to clean up." He walks toward the bed, moves the datapads aside and quickly makes it up with hospital corners. Plumps up the pillows, then lays the datapads on the table, neatly stacking them up.

I'm still standing and I don't know what to do with myself.

"Kaidan, sit down. Relax. Cream and sugar, right?"

I cautiously sit on the couch. "I don't take sugar anymore. Milk, if you've got any."

"Think I've got some of that powdered crap." He goes back to the coffee pot, his back to me. "Health kick?"

"Something like that, yeah. Hey, how's your friend? Did he…?"

He stands still for a moment and shakes his head.

"Damn, Shepard, I'm… I'm sorry. Sounds like he was a hero."

I hear his intake of breath as he spoons dried milk into each cup. "He was." There's a lull and I'm not quite sure what to say. This is the second friend Shepard's lost in the past week. If he and I had ever… I mean if I'd ever _told_ him, and if anything had come of that, I could go to him, hold him close and tell him I'm here for him. I _wish_ I could do that.

But I didn't tell him and he's my CO… or was. I can still tell him I'm here for him, though, right? Would he see that as flirting, as being too familiar? Because I crossed the line at the hospital and I don't want that again, especially with the way he must be feeling right now.

"If you want to talk," I begin, but don't finish.

"I'll let you know." He brings the coffees over and places them on the table, sitting in the opposite chair. "Thane said he talked with you at the hospital."

"Thane?" Where have I heard that name before?

"My friend on the Citadel. He was a regular patient at the hospital. Drell. Said he spoke to you one time."

I sit up straight, the memory returning. "I remember now! Just vaguely, you know? Things were a little fuzzy, but… he was polite, well-spoken. Asked how I was doing. _He_ was the one who…?"

He nods and sips at his coffee.

My heart sinks. He seemed such a decent man, someone who checked up on me even though he didn't know me, and now he's dead. "How did you meet him?"

"Helped me take down the Collectors."

Now it comes back to me: the dossiers on the Spectre terminal. Thane Krios, professional assassin, headhunted by the Illusive Man. "He was with Cerberus?"

Shepard's jaw tightens just a bit and I know right away that I screwed up. "He was with Cerberus as much as I was. He was dying and wanted to atone by giving something back to the universe. He gave his life to save the salarian councillor." His voice is quiet and calm but I see his fingers flexing, his nostrils flaring—he's trying very, very hard not to tell me to fuck off. At least that's what I'm getting but then I always did overthink things.

"Shepard, I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" I sigh and push a hand through my hair. "The reason I asked about Cerberus is because I'm beginning to see that maybe there were some good people working for them. Maybe there still are. It's… not easy admitting you were wrong about something. I wasn't trying to disrespect Thane."

He looks at me, his features softening, and sighs. "I know. I haven't slept in a while and I'm a little touchy. Excuse me."

"It's okay." I drink some coffee and sit back, figuring Shepard doesn't need me to dwell on this. "So… she's quite a ship."

"You like her?"

"I do. Traynor was great. Might have gotten lost without her. I mean you've got a gym now, a war room—which Traynor didn't let me see but told me about—and the crew quarters are _huge!"_

"Well, we only had about six people aboard the SR-1."

I give a laugh, feeling a little more relaxed. "You've got a few more than that now. It's a great crew, Shepard."

He looks down at his hands. "It is, but I don't have an XO yet."

"Anyone in mind?"

"Yeah, Kaidan, I've got someone in mind." He looks up.

"… Me?"

He purses his lips. "You already saw through my plan to ensnare all of the old SR-1 crew, so why are you even surprised?"

"I…" I shake my head, my mind firing up. "After what happened, I wasn't sure you'd even want me back."

He's watching me and he knows better than to say 'forget about it', because he knows I can't. "Talk to me, then. Let's get this thing aired out."

I look at the remains of my coffee for a minute, swirling it around. "Like I said earlier, it's not easy admitting you were wrong."

"Sure it is. You own it, you deal with it and you move on. But that's if you _were_ wrong. You weren't."

I laugh again, but it's not the kind of laughter that makes me feel good, and rub my forehead. "I _did_ see signs that something was up—Udina really pushed things through for me, way more than he ever did for you. I mean you had Nihlus tailing you at Eden Prime, right? Supposed to be the first of several assignments together? I didn't have that. No mentor, no trials, nothing. Udina told me it was because of the war and I believed him."

"Why wouldn't you believe him? Sounds reasonable enough to me. Udina was an accomplished liar."

"But there were other things. Small things I questioned inside but made excuses for."

"You did your duty anyway. That's what you're supposed to do."

"No," I interrupt, shaking my head. "It was a pride thing. I was too _proud_. Didn't want to admit to myself that something wasn't right, that I might have made a mistake. That email you sent me, the one telling me to be careful about Udina? I agreed with you but I still made excuses for him, thought he'd changed."

I stare at the table, shaking my head over and over. "I _knew_ he had a gun, Shepard. He told me that with the Reaper threat, _all_ the councillors were armed. Wasn't until Quentius questioned him that everything started falling into place. By that time I'd already shot at you and held you at gunpoint."

"You had no choice," he says, but I can't look up. "You could have killed me but you didn't. In the split-second you had to think, you disarmed me and kept the Council safe. You're questioning yourself but you did exactly the right thing on _instinct._ You know something? I'm not sure I'd have done the same. If I'd been guarding the Council and someone started shooting at them, I'd have gone for the kill, and I'd have been wrong. You kept your honour and integrity and I'm damn proud of you for that."

Just like that. He makes everything sound so simple.

"This doesn't need to be complicated, Kaidan."

I finally look up, unable to stop an awkward smile. "Can you read my mind or something?"

"No, but I do _know_ you. You're my friend. Hope so, anyway."

Warmth spreads inside of me. Although it's not exactly what I want, I'm massively relieved that he still sees me as a friend. "That means a lot, Shepard. I consider you a friend, too."

"So?"

"So…?"

"So we put all this behind us and you let me complete my plan."

"The ensnaring plan?"

He nods, a faint smile appearing. "The very same."

I drink the last bit of coffee and place the cup down. "Hackett offered me a position on the Crucible but didn't make it an order. I'm thinking he left a door open for me."

Shepard tilts his head, a mischievous gleam in his eyes. "The Crucible, huh? I can't compete with _that."_ He extends his right hand. "It was good to have you on the Normandy again… even for a while."

"Are you kidding me?" I'm laughing, and he's smiling. "I _want_ to be on the Normandy. With y—with everyone. If you still need an XO, I'm staying right here."

"You sure about that?"

"I'm _sure."_

I shake his hand and release it before standing up. "And as I'm now your XO, I'm telling you to get some rest. Don't make me relieve you of duty."

"You're not my XO 'til I've cleared it with Hackett. Don't push your luck." I look down at him and he's still smiling a little. "But okay. Wouldn't want you throwing your weight around on your first day. You gonna be a hardass XO, Alenko?"

I'm so happy he's messing with me. Been a long time. "I… think you've already got that covered, Commander."

"Touché." He stands up. "Soon as Control clears us, we're headed for Eden Prime. Cerberus paid them a visit and we're going to show them they're not welcome."

"Okay. I'm gonna need to come along for that one."

"Good. Go see Liara, she'll fill you in. In the meantime, I'll contact Hackett and get your command codes set up."

"And then you'll get some rest, Commander."

"Yes, sir."

We salute each other and he shakes my hand again. We're standing pretty close and I realise I'm staring at his scars.

"Something wrong, Kaidan?"

I let go of his hand and sigh. "Sorry. Was just wondering…"

He touches his cheek. "Oh. These. Project Lazarus, the Cerberus project that brought me back to life. Left me with a few mementos."

"Do they hurt?"

He pushes out his lower lip and shrugs. "Not exactly. They ache sometimes. Seem to flare up if I'm stressed or tired. Stress affects us all differently, I guess."

I glance at the neatly-folded pile of clothing on the back of the couch. "Yeah. Could you get them fixed? The scars? Not that you need to, but have you ever thought about it? I made a few contacts at Huerta if you want me to hook you up."

He looks to the side, a frown wrinkling his brow. "No, I'll keep them. I… need them. To remember."

I wonder what he means by that but don't say any more. "Fair enough. I'll call you when we're approaching Utopia. And thanks. For… you know."

"Welcome back, Major."

I walk out of there feeling like a huge weight lifted off of me. This is one of the reasons I missed him—he makes everything simple, and simplicity's something I haven't had for a very long time.

**A few hours later (Shepard's POV)**

I wake up with a headache after sleeping heavy. My body's trying to catch up but I'm not giving it enough, so it's punishing me.

"Lights on, 50%." I haul myself up, seeing the flashing light from my omni-tool on the night stand. Picking it up, I slip it onto my arm and rub my eyes before activating it.

"Commander," Traynor says, "I didn't want to wake you so I just sent a note. It's not urgent."

"Okay," I say around a yawn. "What's up?"

"Just to let you know that Stores have produced Thane's plaque for the memorial wall. I know there hasn't been time to put Dr. Solus's up yet so if you wanted to say a few words, we have time before reaching Eden Prime. If that's agreeable to you, I'll make the arrangements."

My heart starts pounding and my head feels tight. Say a few words for Mordin? Like what? He was a good friend to me, helped me stop the Collectors, so I murdered him?

"Okay. I'll, uh, I'll leave it to you."

"Very good, Commander. Shall we say in an hour's time?"

"Sure. Thanks."

"You're quite welcome, sir. Traynor out."

I need a shower.

After, I change into my dress blues and log onto that poetry site Ash was always raving about. It takes a ridiculous amount of time to look for something suitable for both of them, and I'm running out of time. I decide to leave the poetry and just say something from the heart. Saying goodbye helps the crew with closure and I can't delegate this.

Only me that'll know I'm a hypocrite.

I look at my holo clock. Seven minutes to go. "Joker, what's our ETA on Eden Prime?"

"Just a sec, Commander, I'm not on the bridge. EDI?"

"Forty-six minutes… give or take."

"Okay. You two at the memorial wall?"

"Yes, sir. You coming?"

"Be right down."

**Crew deck, memorial wall (Garrus's POV)**

"Captain on deck!" Kaidan exclaims, snapping a crisp salute as Shepard arrives. Can't help smiling (not that the humans can actually _tell_ I'm smiling). He's really taking his new position seriously. Of course he is. He's Kaidan.

Shepard's the last one here and looks around as everyone stands to attention. He gives a vague nod to everyone and then walks up to Traynor, who's holding the name plaques.

I see his shoulders rise and drop. This is hard for him. He used to take Thane and Mordin out a lot, and Thane was with us when we went after Sidonis. Think I was closer to Thane than anyone apart from Shepard. We used to compare notes because we both used the M-92 Mantis. There've been advances in firearms since then and I've been thinking recently about trading in the old girl for a newer model, but today I changed my mind. Wouldn't feel right now.

There's quiet and Shepard walks up to the wall, the first plaque in his hand. It's Thane's. He presses it down, studying it for a minute before turning back to us.

"When I was first getting to know Thane, I thought he was a bit of an oddball. He was the least assassin-like person I could imagine. He was erudite, thoughtful and deeply spiritual. We had different ideas about a few things, but he enjoyed debating them and so did I.

I used to visit him a lot in Life Support, at first because I thought he was lonely, but I soon discovered that 'lonely' wasn't a word that applied to him. Solitary isn't the same as lonely. He was comfortable with his own company and had a serenity about him that was infectious. I often came away from one of our talks feeling more at peace with everything. Still tried to get him to mix with the crew, though, if only to broaden his horizons. Remember the first time he came to the Mess, Joker?"

Joker rolls his eyes. "Yeah, like I can forget. Everyone turned their chairs just a couple of inches so they wouldn't have their backs to him. Then Shepard whispered something to him and Thane steepled his fingers like some arch criminal and started looking around, real cagey, like he was gonna pounce on someone. First time I saw his sense of humour. Not sure the rest of the crew appreciated it at the time, though, being scared half to death."

Shepard manages a half-smile and continues. "As for _being_ an assassin, he was unmatched. He'd move like water and time seemed to stand still around him. I had the privilege of fighting alongside him and I was in awe of his skills. Actually… 'skills' implies something that's taught. He was trained by the hanar but he was born for it. He once told me about the disciplines involved and I can tell any marines here that commando training—even N7 training—are a picnic in comparison. What he did not only required a disciplined body, but mind, also. His willpower and self-belief were astounding. Those are things I'll _always_ be in awe of."

He turns back to the wall and folds his hands together. "Thane, you showed us a different side of things and enriched our lives just by being around. On a personal note, I count myself very fortunate to have been your friend. Maybe someday we'll see you across the sea. Until then, goodbye… and thank you."

He salutes the wall and the rest of us follow. Then he turns around and clears his throat. "Thane's son, Kolyat, asked me to arrange a memorial for Thane the next time we visit the Citadel. Councillor Esheel and some of C-Sec will be attending. I'll let Traynor know when I've got a date."

Traynor gives him Mordin's plaque. Now I can see he's struggling. His face goes pink—a dead giveaway in humans and something I'm glad doesn't happen to turians—and his mouth opens just a bit. Looks like he's gritting his teeth.

He presses the plaque next to Thane's and stares at it. We wait.

A minute or two passes by. Kaidan's looking uncomfortable and fidgeting. He's concerned but can't do anything because he didn't know Mordin. Looks at me instead and I step forward.

"If we're talking about oddballs, Mordin was the original," I say, and Shepard turns slightly toward me. "He'd think nothing of poisoning a bunch of vorcha thugs who were causing trouble at his clinic on Omega, but he'd show compassion and professionalism if one of those vorcha were brought in with a gunshot wound. He was all about righting wrongs and he died doing exactly that.

His people created the genophage and mine used it. History can judge us how it wants but history will also record that, as a salarian started the genophage, another ended it. Every newborn krogan will know the name Mordin Solus because they'll owe their lives to him."

Shepard's face starts to turn red so I think maybe I need to lighten things up.

"First time I visited Mordin in his lab he was running seventeen different tests and didn't look up, but still managed to have an entire conversation with me, sing a little song and give me advice about sex." I pause as gentle laughter ripples around the group. "I told him there were no female turians on board and he asked what that had to do with anything. Then said he'd send me some literature on alien females and gave me some tips there and then. All I said to him was, 'Hi, Mordin, how's it going'?"

There's more laughter, except from Shepard, but he seems to have contained himself. Time to wrap this up.

"Mordin was one of a kind and they didn't just break the mould with him, they smashed it to pieces and burned it. And probably ran tests on it just to make sure. History will remember him for one thing, but what _we'll_ remember him for is the laughter and uniqueness he brought to us. You'll be missed, Mordin. Hope there's a lab wherever you are."

Shepard and I salute the wall, as does Kaidan. Don't know if anyone behind us did, but I'm guessing yes.

"Dismissed!" Kaidan says and everyone shuffles away, quietly sharing their own memories of Thane and Mordin.

"Thanks, Garrus," Shepard mumbles, still facing the wall. "Kaidan, I'll meet you in the bay."

"You okay, Commander?" he asks.

"I just need a minute."

I glance at Kaidan and there's a question on the tip of his tongue, but I doubt it's the same one as on mine.

We nod to each other and he steps into the elevator while I head for the forward battery. I don't go there right away, though, but hang out in the Mess for a while.

After a bit I go upstairs to see if Shepard's in his cabin. He is. He lets me in and he's at his terminal, fully suited-up.

"Busy?" I ask.

He snorts, shaking his head. "I appreciate you checking on me but I'm fine. Really."

"Oh, I know that. Shouldn't you be in the bay?"

"You came looking for me. Shouldn't _you_ be there?"

I laugh and sit on the folding chair that's still next to his. "Had a feeling you'd be up here. Always one more thing to take care of." My eyes move to his screen and I see the STG logo on an email. People like me aren't supposed to know what the STG logo looks like, but being around Shepard you pick up on certain things. "Would it be nosy of me to ask if that has anything to do with Councillor Esheel and her connection to the League of One?"

"I don't even know if there _was_ a connection. I already used up that bargaining chip, anyway."

"Okay."

His head slowly turns toward me and our eyes meet. "It's a reply from Padok Wiks. We've been corresponding for a while."

"Padok Wiks? The STG base commander on Surkesh?"

"Yep."

"Wasn't he working on the genophage cure before Mordin took over?"

He turns back to the screen. _"Now_ you're being nosy."

He looks uneasy but doesn't dismiss me, which he could. I know Shepard well enough to know when to push him. And he knows me well enough to expect it.

"Took a look at the Alliance's war assets before we went down to the memorial wall," I begin.

He sits back in his chair but doesn't speak for a minute. Then he fully turns to me and crosses his arms.

"All right, no games. Hit me."

"How the hell did you cure the genophage _and_ get the salarian first fleet? Even _with_ your bargaining chip, Councillor Esheel doesn't have any powers over the military. Unless you've got something on the Dalatrass?"

"I don't have anything on the Dalatrass," he says wearily, resting his head on his hand and closing his eyes.

"Then something doesn't add up, and I don't know what that is."

His eyes open but he doesn't look at me. I know he's had something on his mind since Tuchanka and I've been trying to figure it out.

"How bad is it?" I ask.

His index finger starts tapping against his desk and that's something else like the _mouth thing_ he does. Oh, there it goes… he just did the mouth thing.

Then he goes dead still.

"I cut a deal with the Dalatrass. The full support of her fleets and scientists in exchange for making sure the genophage cure didn't work."

We sit together for a minute in silence. I'm first to break it. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"You know… in your position I'm not sure I'd have turned that deal down."

"Don't placate me, Garrus."

I lean forward until he almost looks at me. "I'm not. You know me better than that. We're talking about the end of the universe here. Rule book's out the window."

"Doesn't mean I was passing out whiskey and cigars when we got the salarians."

He's staring, without blinking, at the desk and I don't want to make him feel worse but I've got to know. "And did Mordin just go along with it?"

His face gets that flush of pink again. "I couldn't stand up in front of everyone and lie to them about him. Thought I could, but… I owed him that, at least." He shakes his head and doesn't say any more.

Now I get it and I'm angry. Not at Shepard but at the Alliance, at his superiors, for putting all this on one man. Angry at the Dalatrass. Hell, I'm even angry at Victus and Wrex. Reapers might have attacked Earth first but they won't stop there. Those on Palaven, including my family who I still haven't heard from, know that all too well. And those bastards out there—the politicians, the so-called leaders—are squeezing whatever they can out of it instead of pitching in. Humans call it extortion. The politicians might not be making money from the war but it's the same damn thing.

Mordin paid for it, the krogan will pay for it and Shepard's paying for it too.

"Anyone else know?" I ask.

He finally looks at me and it seems he's almost relieved I figured it out. "Apart from you and the salarians? Hackett knew something was up but he didn't question me. He wants assets and I delivered. That's why they put me here."

"And Padok Wiks? Where does he figure into this?"

"… I'll get back to you on that."

"Plan B?"

"Something like that."

Shepard's done. As I said, I know when to push him but I also know when to shut up. "I'll walk you down."

We stand up and head for the door. "You don't need to hold my hand," he jokes, though there's no laughter accompanying it.

"I never said anything about holding your hand. That's not in my job description. Oh, by the way, I'm still _waiting_ on that job description. Aaaand a pay check."

We take the elevator down and when we get to the hangar, Kaidan's still in New-XO mode.

"Captain on deck! Ten- _hut!"_

Vega almost slices his own head off with the force of his salute. Cortez and Liara, who aren't accustomed to saluting Shepard every five seconds, look mildly puzzled but go along with it anyway.

Shepard salutes back and I can sense a smile trying to push its way out of him.

"You going to tell him?" I say in a low mumble.

"I'll let him have his moment. He's doing a good job. Reminds me of another XO I once had named Pressley."

"And?"

"I'll let him down gently when we're writing our reports."

I clasp my mandible and Shepard gives me a _what are you up to_ look. "I seem to remember a certain XO named Pressley who used to beat your ass at poker when you wanted him to write that big report. The one you do every week. The one you _hate."_

He grimaces. "I wouldn't do that to Kaidan. Then again, God knows he'd put more effort into it than I do. Might even enjoy it."

I turn for the elevator. "Think I'll go see Joker. 'Bout time he started up that poker league he was talking about."

"Just keep stirring the pot, Vakarian."

"It's what I do best. Well, I do lots of things best, but you get the idea."

Shepard gives me a split-second smile that vanishes just as quickly.

I get into the elevator and just before the door closes I catch him watching Kaidan—who's checking off his mental list of a hundred things that still need to be done—and Shepard looks kinda lost for a second. It's like the way he described Thane: time seems to stand still.

Then Vega slaps Shepard's shoulder, hands him his gun and everything speeds right back up.


	8. The Worst-Kept Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much, Carrie, for the beta that Google Drive killed, and ensuring this story doesn't read like a Downton Abbey special! And thanks again to all who are reading, especially those who leave comments. I really am lucky to have you along. :)
> 
> This chapter contains spoilers for: From Ashes DLC and Overlord DLC.

**Normandy, Port Cargo Bay, en-route to Perseus Veil (Liara's POV)**

This is the culmination of my dreams, my life's work so far, 109 years in the making. A living, breathing prothean is standing in front of me. I can hardly contain myself.

And Shepard has reduced this momentous occasion to a ridiculous posturing contest.

"In _this_ cycle, we have something called _manners,"_ he says, squaring up to as-yet nameless prothean. "When someone offers their hand, you shake it. You _don't_ read their thoughts without asking permission. I'm _Commander_ and this is Dr. T'Soni, _not_ Human and Asari. You grasp a few simple basics like that, and we'll get along just fine."

"Shepard!" I protest. "Things were different in his time! We need to make allowances!"

"An asshole's still an asshole, regardless of which cycle they're from."

The prothean steps closer to Shepard, his expression as hard and black as flint. "I agree… _Human."_

They stare at one another, neither willing to back down. Why must males always revert to such crude and confrontational behaviour? Thirty years ago when humans joined the galactic community, I had hoped they might be different. So far, I have seen little evidence of that.

Then Shepard surprises me. With a nod, he dismisses the armed contingent of guards from the cargo bay, leaving just the three of us.

"Do you not feel unsafe without your servants?" the prothean asks Shepard, dripping with disdain.

"They're not my servants and no, I don't feel unsafe. Are you going to _give_ me a reason to feel 'unsafe'? Because from where I'm standing, we're armed and you're not."

"A warrior does not _need_ arms to strike terror into the hearts of his foes."

Shepard places his gun on a nearby counter and issues a challenging look. "How about now?"

"The cave-dweller amuses me," the prothean says, giving me a disconcerting smile. "Is he yours?"

I shake my head and assume a passive stance, hoping to defuse some of the tension. "No, he is not mine. He is the greatest war hero of his time, as you were undoubtedly a hero to your own people. There is no need for either of you to prove yourselves. You are _both_ worthy of respect."

"How do you know I am a hero, Asari? I am as unproven to you as your comedian is to me."

Oh, no. Before I can react, Shepard lands a sucker punch on the prothean's jaw. "Find _that_ funny? And it's _Commander!"_

"Security to the port cargo bay!" I call as they begin to exchange blows. I briefly consider erecting a barrier between them, but I doubt Shepard would appreciate being 'rescued'.

By the time Kaidan and a security detail arrive, both pugilists are tiring.

"What in God's name is going on here?" our new XO demands in disbelief.

"Just… saying hi to… th'new guy." Shepard grunts, wiping blood from his lip as he circles his opponent.

"The primate is not as fragile as I had believed," says the prothean, rubbing a burgeoning lump over his left eye. _Eyes._

"Does that mean we can call it even?" I ask in desperation.

Both men look at each other, panting. "For now," Shepard declares.

"Yes. _For now."_

Kaidan uses a curse word and orders the security team to stand down.

Shepard offers his hand to the prothean for the second time, their eyes locking. "John Shepard."

"Javik." He glances at Shepard's hand but once again refuses to shake it.

Shepard, however, appears unperturbed and his expression as he walks past me indicates he believes he's secured a minor victory.

"I, uh, don't suppose I could ask you a few questions now?" I enquire as politely as I can.

Javik steps back and crosses his arms. "As you appear to have acquired a rudimentary grasp of spoken language, you may ask whatever you wish. Let us see if your… 'questions' are diverting enough for me to respond to. I am not optimistic."

"Okay," I breathe, my heart pounding with excitement.

"Stay here," Kaidan mutters to the security detail. "Don't hesitate to shoot him if he gives you any trouble, but try not to kill him. There aren't any more of him."

**Kaidan's POV**

We step out into the corridor and I'm giving Shepard a look.

"What? He needs to know from the start that we're not here to be _conquered."_

"He's one man, Commander. Honestly, how much conquering's he going to do?"

"Well, none, now he knows I'm not some knuckle-scraping Neanderthal. He's a warrior. People like him only understand one language."

"Which I suppose you're fluent in."

"Damn right I am."

We stop in front of the elevator. "So, punching the only prothean in the entire universe... was that part of the whole 'getting to know you' plan or did you just go out on a limb?"

"Don't start any S-H, there won't be any I-T."

"Meaning?"

"I won't have anyone coming aboard my ship and disrespecting me _or_ my crew, no matter how old or unique they are. Now he knows where he stands."

I nod. "Oh, I get it. You kicked his ass for his own good. Makes perfect sense."

"Don't you have saluting to do and commanding officers to announce?"

I affect a frown, but inside I'm tickled because he's teasing me. "We've already been over this. When I first came aboard, _everyone_ saluted me. I just assumed you'd grown a stick up your ass since we last served together."

" _You're_ talking about sticks up asses? Why'd you think everyone was saluting you, Kaidan? Because most of them _remember_ you, the stick-up-the-ass king who's now their superior officer. So hell yes, they saluted."

I'm trying my best not to laugh but my best isn't good enough. "Is that any way to speak to your king?"

"Is that any way to speak to your CO?"

"King beats CO."

He's glaring at me but I know he's pushing a smile down because the edges of his eyes are crinkling. "So do I need to start bowing to you now?"

I consider his idea before giving a shrug. "You went easy on the saluting so let's call it quits."

"You're too kind… my liege."

A wonderful smile spreads across his face and we both laugh. "You should get that lip seen to," I say when he winces.

He touches it again and I really, _really_ have to concentrate hard on not thinking about touching it myself.

"Had worse from shaving. Joker, ETA on Dholen?"

"Four-and-a-half hours tops, Commander."

"Got it." He calls the elevator and turns to me. "I'm going to work out. You coming?"

Okay. _That_ got me breaking out in a sweat. "Uh… gym's on this deck."

"I'm going upstairs to get changed." He touches his earpiece. "Liara? Everything okay in there? All right. Let me know if he steps outta line."

"She all right?"

"Fine. He answered a couple of her questions. Should keep her going for a bit. Anyway, I work out with the guys in the hangar. Normandy's gym's good, but there's more room to run downstairs, plus it lets me keep tabs on Cortez."

I glance around and lower my voice. "Your shuttle pilot? What for?"

"He lost his husband at Ferris Fields and he's been down about it lately so James and I try to keep his spirits up."

"Ah, that's a shame. I remember hearing about Ferris Fields. 'Bout a year ago, wasn't it? Lost a lot of good people on that colony." I turn to the memorial wall and study it for a minute. "Eden Prime… going there again brought it all back. Where we first met Ash. Only surviving member of the 212."

Shepard steps closer and looks at me for a bit. "I know. I was thinking about… I didn't want to say anything. Didn't want to… you know, open old wounds."

I nod, my eyes fixed on her name plaque. Most of the others belong to people I didn't know, but Shepard did. "We all remember her in our own way. No need to start digging up the past."

We stand there a little while longer until Shepard speaks again. "If you wanted to talk…"

"It's okay, Commander, really. Thanks, though. How about you? Do _you_ want…?"

He shakes his head. I nod mine.

"So… Cortez is having a hard time, huh?"

He exhales and so do I. "Yeah. I _could_ work out in the gym but this is a way of keeping an eye on him without _looking_ like I'm keeping an eye on him."

"Good idea. Seems like a decent guy."

"He is. Oh, and Vega _will_ challenge you to a pull-up contest, just a heads-up."

"He better than you?"

" _Everyone's_ better at pull-ups than me."

I'm smirking and he gives me a dirty look.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing. Just nice to know some things never change. I'll go put some sweatpants on... in my swanky new quarters."

"You do that."

I walk off as he gets aboard the elevator. Nice to see him relax a bit after the little service for Thane and Mordin. Oh… and after picking a fight with a prothean. Whatever the reason, seeing him relaxed makes _me_ feel relaxed.

So I'm going to do whatever I can to take the load off him.

**Hangar bay (Cortez's POV)**

I love it when the guys squeeze in a workout, and not for the reason most people might think. Sure, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the sight of Shepard in a vest and shorts doing push-ups. Who _wouldn't_ enjoy that? He's a good-looking guy.

But, window shopping aside, I don't think of Shepard that way. He made me realise I'm still not over Robert, and that no one can tell me how long the grieving process should last, so I don't think of anyone that way right now. Not even James 'The Body' Vega. _Especially_ not him.

The real reason I enjoy workout time is because there's always laughter down here, even from Shepard, who isn't quite the hardass I had him pegged as when I first met him. Seems he can forget his troubles down here and I can forget mine. My guess is, it's not so crowded down here and that's why he likes it.

He's here, looking like he walked right into a bulkhead, and that's exactly what he tells us happened. I worked out earlier this morning like I always do, which means I get to hang out. And it's always funny as hell.

He immediately challenges The Body to a pull-up contest, which we _know_ isn't going to go well. Gets the spiel off James about warming up and that no, Shepard can't do pull-ups because he's gotta rest his trapezius and wrist flexors/extensors today. Shepard pouts a little but then an evil smile breaks through when Major Alenko enters the bay.

Now _here's_ another reason for me to enjoy workout time. Our new XO _is_ good-looking— _damn_ , he's good-looking—but doesn't seem to know it.

"James," Shepard says, "Major Alenko's going to represent me today. And he's going to win."

"I'm doing what?" asks the major, giving me a nod before walking up to Shepard and James.

Shepard's face drops when he sees what the major's wearing—loose sweatpants, t-shirt and a navy blue hoodie. "Is that a _Spectre_ hoodie?"

The major examines the Spectre logos on his sleeves and brushes them off with his hand. "Yeah, probably. I just threw it on."

Shepard's got his hands on his hips, looking none too happy. "Why don't I have a Spectre hoodie?"

I see one of Major Alenko's eyebrows go up and he lightly clears his throat. "You've got an N7 hoodie, Commander. Let's not be greedy, now."

"But I _want_ a Spectre hoodie."

"Yeah, I want one too!" James pitches in.

"You're not a Spectre," both Spectres point out. James holds his hands up and pretends to be scared.

I stop pretending to work and walk up to them. "How about we mix things up a little today, Commander?" I say, "Considering you're a gambling man."

"I'm listening."

"We put up your and Major Alenko's hoodies against… what have you got, James?"

James's eyes bulge and his brow creases as he thinks. "I've got a sweet smart choke, one of a kind, plus I'll get you both inked. On me. Whatever you want, _wherever_ you want."

Shepard shakes his head. "You're supposed to be the arms master, James. Neither of us uses a shotgun so the mod's useless. As far as I know, the major doesn't have any tattoos and about the only place I _don't_ have one is on my ass. What else have you got?"

"Shit," James mutters. "Uh…"

"Don't I get a say in this?" the major asks, looking indignant. "This is a Spectre hoodie that even Shepard doesn't have! I'm not betting that!"

Shepard gives him a stern look for reminding him about his own lack of Spectre attire before turning back to James. "Okay, My N7 hoodie for a full-colour ink on my back. Always wanted a phoenix. Plus an ink of his choice for the major."

James nods his approval at Shepard's choice. "Phoenix? Nice." He then turns to me. "Wait… what's the bet?"

"James, you need to beat Major Alenko's _and_ Shepard's combined totals for consecutive pull-ups. Shepard can do his set tomorrow."

"What? _Both_ of 'em? Together?"

"That's what I said. You can take your turn both days and your best result will be used."

James is thinking again. This could be a long wait.

"I'm… not sure I really want a tattoo," Major Alenko mumbles.

Shepard shakes his head and sighs melodramatically. "Kaidan. You disappoint me."

The major looks Shepard squarely in the eye and begins pulling up his t-shirt. "I mean, it might clash. With this."

"Holy _shit!"_ James splutters before bouncing a couple of times. "Holy fucking shit, man! Esteban, you see this?"

"I'm looking right at it, James!"

Major Alenko's chest, left side and part of his back are covered by a glorious, full-colour _dragon,_ with fire breath and everything _._

James and I are laughing but Shepard's jaw just about hits the floor. He leans in for a closer look as the major explains, looking pretty smug at Shepard's expression.

"Been working on this for about five years, now. Every time I get leave, or we dock somewhere longer than a couple of days, I get a bit more done."

Shepard takes his eyes off the tattoo for a second and looks up. "You had this back when…?"

"When we met, yeah. Of course, most of the colour hadn't been added then. You seem surprised, Commander."

Shepard's still gawking and looks almost upset when the major pulls his t-shirt down around his hips. "I just didn't expect _you_ … it's an amazing tattoo, just not… well, yeah, I am surprised."

"We all have parts of ourselves we keep hidden," the major says to Shepard, "even though they're always there."

Their eyes lock for just a sec and then they do the manly thing and pretend there's something interesting on the ceiling, or one of their ears is itching.

Well. Damned if I didn't just get goose bumps. I'm pretty sure James didn't notice, but I know when two guys are into each other. I also know when they're _really_ into each other.

Shepard watches Major Alenko as he heads for the bar with James, who's still bouncing that our stiff-ass XO has a work of art on his body.

"Let's do this, Lieutenant," says the major, and they launch into their warm-ups.

"This is gonna be great," I say to Shepard, who's standing next to me. "… Commander?"

"Yeah, yeah." He gives an exaggerated nod, sounding impatient. I take a quick look at Major Alenko, who's removed his hoodie and is doing stretches with James.

That's a _very_ tight t-shirt.

I get a little flutter inside when I glance at Shepard. He's doing a really horrible job of looking nonchalant. James and the major get ready and we're called over to keep count.

"We allowed to hang on the bar for a bit?" asks Major Alenko. "For recovery?"

"Hanging's for pussies," snorts James.

"Did you just call your XO a pussy, Lieutenant?" Shepard says in his hardass voice.

"Ahahaa! No, sir! I'm good with hanging. For real."

Shepard turns to me. "I say one hang per arm, for no longer than five seconds. We'll be here all day otherwise."

"I agree." I face the competitors and smile at them. "Now get to it. I want to see what our new XO's made of."

Shepard touches his earpiece, then, looking real annoyed. "Shepard here." He listens for a sec and shakes his head. "On my way. Goddamnit."

"What is it?" Major Alenko asks.

Shepard's already headed for the elevator. "Joker, where are we?"

"'Bout ten minutes out from the Pax relay, sir."

"How fast can you get us to Gellix?"

"Gellix… hour and ten, best offer."

"Take us there. EDI, send a message to the quarian envoy ship, tell them we've been delayed."

"… Message away."

"Thanks. I'm coming up."

Major Alenko's pulling his hoodie back on. "Shepard?"

"Cerberus," Shepard says from inside the elevator. "Got some of their own scientists pinned down. Not letting _them_ get away. Could use them on the Crucible."

"I'm coming with—"

Shepard points at him. "No, you're gonna stay right here and win this thing for us. That's an order."

The major sighs and starts peeling off his hoodie again. "All right, but I'm going down with you when we get there."

"Not after a pull-up challenge, you're not. Kick his ass, Major."

A reluctant smile tugs at his lips. "Yes, sir."

"Cortez, I'm trusting you not to cheat with the counting." The elevator door closes and Shepard's gone.

**Hangar bay, Arrae System, en-route to Gellix (Shepard's POV)**

Kaidan did pretty well—86 to James's freak-like 159, which means I need 73. I can do it, I know I can. Just if we're engaging hostiles today I might be too fatigued…

Yeah, I'm making excuses. But I've got a spare N7 hoodie, not that James knows. And not that either of them would actually fit him.

Liara's off-duty and I won't let James or Kaidan come with me despite their arguments. Which means I've got a very limited choice for my squad. Garrus is down here getting ready and I'm about to call EDI, until Kaidan has a bright idea.

"How about the prothean?"

James hands me my gun and I holster it before facing Kaidan. "Are you serious? If you've forgotten, I had a fight with him not long ago. I need people I can turn my back on, knowing I won't get a clip unloaded into it."

"I went to visit him after the pull-ups to introduce myself."

"Did you. And I suppose he's really a kitten who's misunderstood and just wants to be loved?"

"No, you were right. He _is_ an asshole, but an asshole who wants to end the Reapers." He points at my bruised face. "Held his own against you, without using a weapon _or_ biotics."

I clasp my chin and think about that. "I dunno. I need my squad to work as a unit. The people we already have work together seamlessly. I'm not a field trainer and I'm not going to hold his hand."

"The Reapers wiped out everything he knew, Shepard. His friends, his squad, his family if he had one. How would that make you feel? Doesn't he deserve a chance? I got the impression he's itching to get out there and kick Reaper tail."

Damn it, Kaidan, I can never say no to you.

"Javik?" I say, touching my earpiece.

" _Commander_ Javik to you, Human."

"Commander Javik. And it's Commander Shepard."

"What do you want?"

"We're heading out on a mission. Could use your help, if you're not too busy washing your hands."

There's a beat of silence. "To fight the Reapers?"

"To fight some people who are _delaying_ us from getting to the Reapers."

"Indoctrinated fools. Wait there."

"Yes, _sir,"_ I say, giving a sarcastic salute. I look at Kaidan and he's laughing. "What?"

"You totally waited 'til the comm. was cut before you said that."

"You calling me chicken, Alenko?"

"Commander!" Cortez calls over, "Got a heads-up from the CIC. ETA ten minutes."

"Copy that." I start walking toward the Kodiak and Kaidan's right behind me, making a show of looking at my back. I halt, looking over my shoulder. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Just checking that yellow stripe's not too obvious."

I cross my arms and fully turn to him. _"That's_ your story? I thought you were checking out the competition."

"Competition?"

"Yeah. I hear I've no longer got the best ass on the Citadel."

"Oh my God." Kaidan palms his face. "You just _had_ to bring that up, didn't you?"

I knew he'd hate being given _that_ particular honour. Think I'll have a little fun with him. "You're only the sexiest male _human,_ so don't let it go to your head. That turian Spectre, Helvetius, has the best butt overall. _Apparently."_

Kaidan steps a little closer, first checking Garrus isn't in earshot, and whispers to me. "But turians don't even _have_ butts. Just bony metallic things. What's that all about? How's _that_ sexy to anyone? I'm sure among turians it's a fine example of a… bony thing, but I just can't—"

"Sounds like sour grapes to me, Major."

"No it is n—!" He sighs and shakes his head, knowing I'm screwing with him. "Shouldn't you be getting ready to head out?"

The elevator door opens and Javik steps out, first pausing to look at us all like we're something on the sole of his boot. Not that he wears them.

"Take me to the weapons," he orders.

I get another urge to punch him but I don't want any more of the crew seeing their CO acting like a thug. "James?"

"Right this way."

Javik and I watch each other as he walks past, James showing him a selection of guns. "He shoots me in the back," I say to Kaidan, "and I'm blaming you."

"You'd probably be too dead to care, Commander."

I step aboard the Kodiak. "As my cabin's supposed to be haunted, you seem to believe in ghosts. I'll catch you later—in solid form or not."

**Gellix science lab (Javik's POV)**

"Why do we waste time here rescuing a small number of scientists who might be indoctrinated? Scientists do not win wars. Soldiers do. You should leave them all to kill each other."

Shepard continues to ignore me and now he is complaining about a pain in his arm after an easy fight with these 'Cerberus' soldiers. My disgust for him and his kind grows by the minute.

"Let me take a look at that," says Garrus, who fawns over a man who is not even his own species. Who are the leaders in this cycle? Where are the avatars? All I have seen so far is primitives who smile at each other while the Reapers obliterate them. Do these people _want_ to die?

I should get back in my pod and await the next cycle.

"You should have brought the Kaidan human with you to kiss your arm better," I sneer. "The Jacob human was shot in the abdomen yet he continues without snivelling like an infant. _He_ should be your leader."

"Thing about Jacob," says Garrus, "well… Jacob always was a bit of a tool when it came to pointless heroics."

His arm healed, Shepard walks toward me with fire in his eyes. _"What_ did you just say about Kaidan?"

"Your pheromones speak when you do not. _He_ is why you are so distracted. You should throw him out the airlock."

"Okay, settle down," Garrus says, inserting himself between us and absorbing the force of Shepard's lunge. "We're here for Cerberus. You two got a beef, settle it on the ship."

"Oh, we will. _Count_ on it." Shepard stalks away, leaving the infuriatingly composed turian behind.

"Friendly word of advice," he whispers, though I do not know why because we are alone. "Don't push Shepard's buttons about Kaidan or you might find _yourself_ thrown out the airlock. And believe me, he'd do it, last prothean standing or not."

"So I cannot state that a leader should be free from distractions? Is your Shepard so tender that he does not allow freedom of speech among his subordinates? How has his kind risen to a place of prominence in this cycle?"

" _Tender's_ not exactly a word I'd use to describe Shepard. Listen. Humans only joined the galactic community twenty-nine years ago, but one of them's been put in charge of defeating the Reapers. Think about that."

"I am trying not to. The thought is almost as horrifying as the Reapers themselves."

"Shepard's the only hope this cycle has. He might be different than you, and might not have lasted a minute in _your_ cycle, but this cycle's _also_ different. You need to remember that. You don't know what he's had to do to get here, what he's given up. It hasn't been sunshine and rainbows."

"He has made sacrifices?"

"Too many. I'm guessing you have that in common with him. In fact, I'd say you two have more in common than you want to admit. Just lay off Kaidan, okay?"

The hole—the emptiness that grows larger by the hour—appears inside me and I quickly close it. I think of the memory shard and once again consider activating it. But if I did, what would I find? Would I become like Shepard, too governed by emotion to function effectively? I owe it to the ones I left behind to secure victory against the Reapers. I must avenge them and show _no_ weakness.

"The Kaidan human enervates him, steals his vitality."

"No. Kaidan strengthens and balances Shepard. He's good for him."

"They are joined?"

"Not sure what that means but… I think I get it. No. They _want_ to be, though. Worst-kept secret on the Normandy."

"Then why do they not simply mate and be done with it?"

Garrus starts up some stairs and I follow. Shepard is at the top, speaking with a female of his kind.

"Humans have come a long way since painting cave walls with their own crap," Garrus whispers, and this time there is a reason for it. "Maybe _too_ long a way. They're very complicated and think too much, but you _don't_ want them as enemies, trust me. Give Shepard a break. You might find you like him. Best friend I ever had."

"I am not here to make friends," I answer shortly, "but we shall see. If I detect any weakness in him, I will throw him out the airlock myself."

Garrus lays a hand on my thorax, bringing me to a halt. "Not with me around, you won't. I gave you a friendly warning this time. Next one won't be so pleasant."

The turian has just become slightly less irritating in my eyes.

He joins Shepard and I approach them as the female leaves. "Don't look now," Garrus says to Shepard, "but there's an old friend of yours over there."

I see the fire return to Shepard's eyes and he walks to the side of another human, one of the useless scientists who is working at a computer.

"Dr. Archer. We meet again," he says to the scientist, standing very close to him. It does not look like he wants to be _friends_.

The weak scientist steps back and I detect panic in his pheromones. Despicable cowardice. How will these people contribute to the war? The only acceptable way is to pile up their bodies as a barricade against the Reapers.

"Commander Shepard," he says in a thin voice. I want to kill him immediately. "I know I'm the last person you want to see, but I'm glad you're on our side. Thank you for coming to our aid."

They start a conversation— _another_ waste of time—and I sense Shepard's hostility level is elevated. It is morbid curiosity alone that compels me to approach the scientist and touch his arm.

… He is screaming but it is silent, inside, unheeded by others. A prisoner of his own mind. The screaming never stops. Organic and synthetic materials vie for dominance. He does not know himself. He is lost, alone, terrified. He begs for death, for an escape from the incessant noise, but it is withheld indefinitely.

The screaming _never stops._

There is no end. There is no mercy. There is no hope.

They share ancestry, their DNA is…

He is just a boy.

I release the scientist's arm and for the first time since my revival, I feel alive with the need to make this human bleed!

"You turned your brother into a machine!" I advance on him and he stumbles back, finding a wall behind him. "You are a monster, no better than the Reapers! Do you know what you have done?"

The scientist shakes his head. "I know only too well."

His sickening display of belated remorse incenses me and I raise my rifle but Shepard grabs me, twisting my arm behind my back.

" _I_ decide who dies, _not_ you."

"He deserves death! He does not justify the air he displaces!"

"Maybe. But we need him _now_. What happens _after_ the war's another matter."

His voice carries no emotion and I believe his hatred of this human is as fierce as mine, but there is a cold, dispassionate edge to it. It has been tempered over time. There is darkness in Shepard's heart. Perhaps he is willing to do anything to defeat the Reapers. Perhaps all is not lost.

"Stand _down,_ Commander Javik."

I nod. Shepard loosens his grip on me and I feign the withdrawal of my rifle, but first I slam its butt into the scientist's nose, causing it to erupt like an overripe fruit. I enjoy his cry of pain. There is no argument from Garrus or Shepard. I step closer to the scientist and he cowers. "Yes, _after_ the war. I hope the Reapers do not find you first."

We walk away but he calls back to us, holding his nose together with his hands.

"Commander… I know I have no right to ask, but… is David all right? I heard you rescued some students from Grissom Academy. Was he among them?"

Shepard looks back at him, fury carved into his face. "David's safe, no thanks to you. I've made sure you'll never know where he is _or_ see him again. Clean yourself up, Archer. You're a fucking mess."

"Thank you for saving him," the bleeding scientist says with a waver in his voice. "It's enough to know I didn't completely destroy him."

He is revolting beyond words. I will return for this waste of blood at a later time.

"The boy was rescued?" I ask Shepard on our way up another flight of stairs.

"Yeah. He's not a machine anymore. Now let's get this done and get back to killing Reapers."

He jogs up the stairs, his pheromones communicating strength and resolve. I am slightly more hopeful for this cycle than I was a short time ago.

"Yes… Commander."

**Normandy, Crew Deck (Garrus's POV)**

We're back from Gellix and we've got a bunch of Cerberus scientists in the bay 'til we rendezvous with a frigate from Turian Seventh Fleet, who'll transport them to the Crucible. Shepard's spoken with Hackett and he's about to go off the clock but first we're checking in with Kaidan.

He lets us into his quarters, which he's done out nicely, I guess, by human standards. The word 'spartan' comes to mind. And spartan in the bare sense, not the sense of those Greek Earth guys I heard about one time.

"Hey, there!" Kaidan's already on his feet and heading for his refrigerator. "Sit down, take the weight off."

"We're already down," I reply, throwing myself into a chair while Shepard takes the couch, putting his legs up on it.

Kaidan brings back two beers and gives Shepard a hard look. "Boots _off,_ if you don't mind."

Shepard groans and pulls off his boots before grabbing his bottle and lying back on the couch.

"Dextro beer?" I say, reading the label on my bottle. "I'm impressed. Where's yours?"

"I'm on duty in a few." Kaidan takes the chair opposite the couch and studies Shepard's face. "I don't see any fresh cuts or bruises. Did you _win_ the fight with Javik this time?"

"Only fights were with Cerberus," drawls Shepard, sounding tired.

"There was an _almost_ with Javik," I add. "Two, in fact."

Shepard stifles a yawn. "No, there wasn't. We got everything squared. Had a talk with him just now. Even let him 'read' me."

Kaidan looks shocked but I nod. "It's true. Two hardened soldiers want to kill each other upon their first meeting but end up respecting each other. _Very_ Hollywood."

"That's great," Kaidan says as I bite the top off my bottle and take a long drink.

"Aaah. Good stuff. Shepard, want your bottle opened?"

He doesn't answer. Kaidan peers around before holding a finger to his lips and making a 'sleeping' gesture by pressing his hands together next to his cheek.

I give a quiet chuckle and the rest of our conversation is conducted in hushed tones.

"So he really made it up with Javik?" Kaidan asks.

"Not sure if they'll ever be drinking buddies but yeah, I think they can coexist on the Normandy without needing to keep a gun under their pillows. Not that Javik seems the type for pillows. Probably sleeps on razors and _still_ complains they're 'too girly'. Or whatever the prothean equivalent of 'girly' is."

Kaidan smiles and sits forward a bit, keeping an eye on Shepard. "So why'd you think they clashed? Egos? Feeling each other out? I guess I can understand where Javik's coming from. I mean he wakes up after 50,000 years, finds all his people gone and that the universe is ruled by the very species that were coming up from the mud during his time."

I nod in agreement. "Yeah, I can understand that, too. As for Shepard," I check to see his eyes are still closed, "I think Javik scares him."

"Come on, Garrus. Nobody scares Shepard."

"I didn't mean it like that, exactly. I mean the _idea_ of Javik scares him. Put yourself in Shepard's place. All the pressure on him, the expectations. We both know he's a realist and what he tells the crew isn't always what he's feeling inside. He knows there's a very real chance we're not going to make it through this war."

Kaidan frowns and slowly nods. "You think he sees himself as another Javik, left alone after the Reapers have ended this cycle?"

"Maybe. Not exactly the stuff of bedtime stories, is it?"

"No, it's not." Kaidan sighs and then touches his earpiece. "Alenko. Okay, Traynor, I'm on my way."

"Everything okay?" I ask as he stands up.

"Yeah, we're about to rendezvous with the turians. Better get up there."

"Need a hand?"

He slaps my shoulder as he walks past. "No, get some rest. Leave Shepard be. Stay here if you want, there's more beer in the fridge."

"Might just do that. Holler if you need me."

"Thanks. Will do." Kaidan heads for the door and steps out.

I sigh and close my eyes but they flicker open a second later. Hell. Shepard's a snorer. Who'd have thought it?

I get up and let myself out. Got a nice little spot under one of my terminals. Luckily, I've got _plenty_ of pillows.


	9. Balls-out Intuition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to Carrie for another excellent beta, and to all who are reading and leaving comments! :)

**Tiptree, Alliance Space, 2185 (Joker's POV)**

Damn it, they're calling again. How many times do I need to explain to these assholes that I'm not interested? I've got a nice spot right here on my dad's couch, and I'm _really_ content to watch daytime TV, eat Cheetos and be a jerk to Hudson (which is the dumbest name ever for a cat, but that's my little sister for you).

This time the people from Cerberus have gone too far. It's not enough that they got an Alliance squad killed on Akuze or conducted experiments with thresher maws and humans that sent one guy, Toombs, to the nuthouse. No, this time it's personal.

They interrupted _Star-Crossed Lovers_ just before the big reveal about Gattaku's dad. Is it the batarian double-agent who raised her from birth but's now in a death camp, or is it that time-travelling robot guy who impregnated Gattaku's mom from 60 years in the future? Or was it _both_ of them, which is possible because of some weird time dilation thing that scientist chick explained but I already forgot about. Oh, and robots totally have sperm that's compatible with organics because this is the future and everything.

And they made me miss it!

"I told you to get lost!"

The face of that woman with the perma-smile—the one who's just a _little_ too nice—shows up on the wall screen. The screen where the reveal was about to happen!

"Mr. Moreau, I've spoken with my superiors and we're ready to offer you a _very_ attractive financial package, not to mention the helm of a state-of-the-art frigate which surpasses the technological advancements of even the Alliance."

"Yeah? Well I spoke with _my_ superiors and they told me that being stalked _isn't_ a plus—who knew—and if you interrupt my damn show again, I'm callin' my lawyer, capisce?"

"Mr. Moreau, we both know that you don't _have_ a lawyer. We've done our research. We want you and we're not prepared to take 'no' for an answer. What do _you_ want?"

Okay, this is getting seriously creepy. "What do I want? What part of 'get lost' don't you understand? Don't you get it? _That's_ what I want! Now get lost!"

The lady's smile slips a bit and just when I'm thinking she got the message, she speaks again. "We understand your misgivings, Mr. Moreau. If I can't convince you, maybe my superior can."

"No they can't!" I cry as she disappears, only to be replaced by some slick-looking dude with glowing eyes. Right. _That's_ normal.

"Good morning, Mr. Moreau," he says before taking a drag on a cigarette. "I apologise for the intrusion into... whatever you were doing while holding down your couch."

"If you really wanna know, just before I spoke with you I was thinking about trying to jerk off today without breaking my wrist." I hold up a bandaged arm but he doesn't even blink.

"You drive a hard bargain." He takes another drag. "I can tell you're an experienced negotiator and no matter what we offer, you're holding firm. I respect that. Money and prestige clearly aren't motivating factors for you, so I'm going to show you something you can't possibly ignore."

"If you're trying to get into my pants, two things: First, I don't swing that way and second? It's customary to offer dinner first _before_ showing me your junk."

His mouth turns upward but it's obviously a strain. Get the feeling this guy's never laughed in his life. Mental note: don't invite him to hang out.

"All I want is a minute of your time, Mr. Moreau. If you decline my package afterward, which I seriously doubt will happen, this will be the last time you hear from us."

I don't think I like the mention of his package—thought I just made myself clear—but this is the first time they've promised to leave me alone. "You'll never contact me again?"

"I give you my word."

"Your word? I don't even know who you are, except _oh,_ you're the head of some whack job terrorist organisation. Your word doesn't mean shit to me. How about you give me _your_ name as you seem to know mine?"

"Who I am isn't important." He takes a third drag on his cigarette and turns to his left, nodding once. "Allow me to change your mind about Cerberus, Mr. Moreau."

"Whatever." This is getting real old but all I've gotta do is watch one minute of the Cerberus sales pitch. Here it comes.

Okay. I was expecting to see staff with big smiles and dead eyes telling me how awesome Cerberus is, and how they're really _nice_ terrorists and the pension and leave entitlements are better than anyone else's. And did they say Cerberus was really nice?

I _wasn't_ expecting a lab with a body lying on a table. Okaaaaay.

The camera closes in on the poor chump they're experimenting on and—

What.

_What._

…

My hands are shaking. This… I can't…

"As you can see," the glowy-eye dude says over the vid, "this footage is recent. Shepard is wearing Cerberus uniform and the techs attending him are—"

"That's _not_ Shepard! Who the fuck are you people? What are you trying…" My throat dries up and I can't speak. What the fuck? Why are they _doing_ this?

" _This isn't funny!"_ I yell hoarsely at the screen and the guy's face appears again.

"I am not laughing, Mr. Moreau. I can see how distressed you are by the footage and I apologise for that. But it _is_ genuine."

"You people are sick! Just… just… fuck off! Leave me alone!" I throw my pack of Cheetos at the screen. It's a waste, but it made me feel better for a second.

"Mr. Moreau…"

"Stop _calling_ me that!"

"Would you prefer Joker, or plain Jeff?"

It takes me twenty seconds to get off the couch and stand up, but it's quick by my standards. "You don't get to call me anything! Just tell me what the hell's going on!"

He nods and stubs out his cigarette before turning to me again. "Put simply, we recovered Shepard's body."

"What? How? From where?"

"I'm not at liberty to say. Since then my best scientists and techs have been working to revive him and restore him to his former condition. They were successful. Shepard is very much alive."

"No he's _not."_ My voice is barely a hiss. "He _died_ saving my ass. _I was there._ I think about him every day of my life and no, the irony isn't lost on me that I'm doing shit-all with that life. But it's _my_ shitty life and you know why that is? Shepard died because I wouldn't evacuate! You hear that? He died because of _me!_ Whatever kind of twisted shit you're trying to pull won't work! So fuck you and fuck Cerberus! Now, I watched your damned vid, keep your word and leave me the hell alone!"

He watches me for a few seconds. "You're sure about that?"

"I'm sure! So what happens now? You send a goon squad to silence me after I saw all that?"

He lights up another cigarette and looks pleased with himself. Prick.

"The fact you asked that question shows me that part of you believes it's genuine."

"No! I… it—it _can't_ be real. I _saw_ him die."

"He did die, but now he's back. How can I convince you?"

"Okay, you need to go into that room now and talk to me with that… that body next to you. Then I'll believe you've got someone who _looks_ like Shepard."

"I can't do that because I'm not there."

I turn my back on him and start hobbling away. "See ya."

"… But I _can_ put you in touch with the scientists in the lab and you can speak with them in real-time. They can't give you details of the procedures undertaken but they'll answer any other questions you have."

I stop and I wish I hadn't, but something... hell, I don't know. This is bullshit, it's gotta be, but… that guy _really_ looked like Shepard. If there's just the slightest chance, somehow…

"No, I—I don't want to see him. Not like that. If it _is_ him."

"Then they'll speak with you outside the lab. We have Shepard and we want you. We're not forcing you into anything but we do want you to possess all the facts. If you're interested, we also have two ex-Alliance engineers—Kenneth Donnelly and Gabriella Daniels—on board. I'll give you a minute to check their service records before you speak with them."

I turn toward the screen, a bead of sweat trickling down my back. "Ken Donnelly joined you? I… well, I know him. Know _of_ him, anyway."

"Then you'll also know that he's been quite vocal in his condemnation of the Alliance and their failure to represent humanity's best interests, which is precisely why he joined us. I can set up a comm. link between you now if you'd like."

My heart's pounding and my hands are still shaking so I fold them together behind my back. "Okay. But just so we're clear, that _doesn't_ mean I'm saying yes."

"Of course not." He gives another nod to someone off-screen. "Get me Ken Donnelly."

**Normandy, War Room, 2186 (Kaidan's POV)**

Just said goodbye to the turians, along with the Cerberus scientists. Got talking to a few of the scientists. Well, I didn't exactly introduce myself but they approached me. It's funny, they seemed like… normal people. They had families and were glad to be getting to safety for their children's sake. Turians seemed wary of them at first, too, but it was clear to me they weren't indoctrinated. Guess the Illusive Man needs the minds of his top scientists intact—his cannon fodder troops aren't so lucky.

Cerberus or not, though, I hope they stay safe.

Got me thinking about Shepard again and what exactly Cerberus did to him, but I need to watch what I say because things are good between us right now. Don't think he'd appreciate me interrogating him again even though our visit to that science facility has put my head in a spin. I just worry about him and whether Cerberus planted any surprises in him. I wouldn't put anything past the Illusive Man.

I don't have time to think about that now, though, because Anderson just checked in. When he heard I was on duty, he asked for Joker to be patched in on the conversation, too. Joker insisted on coming to the war room so he can see Anderson 'in person', so to speak.

He just arrived and we're taking a slow walk to the QEC. Once there, I stand to one side so Joker can lean on the console, and activate the link.

"Admiral," I say as we both salute our former captain.

"At ease. Good to see you both. I trust the Reapers and Cerberus are keeping you busy?"

I let out a small laugh. "You could say that, sir. How are things on Earth?"

"We're living hour-to-hour, but we're safe for now. Got a good team with me. Made it out of London and into the countryside. Been co-ordinating guerrilla-style raids on the Reapers. Sabotage, that kind of thing. Whatever we can do to buy you guys more time."

"We appreciate that, but make sure you don't compromise your own safety," I say.

"Will do." He looks at Joker and me. "Glad I got you both together. How's Shepard?"

"He's holding up, sir," I begin, but Joker interrupts.

"Barely," he scoffs. "According to EDI, he's getting no more than two or three hours' sleep a night. _When_ he sleeps at night, that is. He's been napping between missions but like half an hour at a time. Also, he's eating crap. Instant noodles, candy, stuff like that. He's running on sugar and caffeine."

Anderson raises a hand to his chin and nods. "Hm. Remember he got like that during the Saren campaign."

"Yeah, _and_ the Collector campaign _and_ now," adds Joker. "EDI also said his stress levels are 'unhealthy and unsustainable'. She rattled off a bunch of medical jargon, but I got the gist."

I listen to them and it sounds like they've had a similar conversation before. I had no clue Shepard wasn't taking care of himself but they don't seem too surprised. Just another reminder of how much I missed out on.

"He fell asleep as soon as he hit the couch in my quarters," I say. "He'll be pissed that I didn't wake him when you called, but I decided to let him sleep while he can."

"You can tell him I ordered you not to wake him," Anderson replies. "He's always pushed himself hard—good thing, too, given what he's accomplished—but I don't want him burning out. I want you two to keep an eye on him. Joker, do what you do best. Entertain him and keep things light. Kaidan, make sure he's eating well and getting enough rest."

"That's exactly what I plan to do, sir," I answer.

"Good. I might have something for him when I can get the legal stuff taken care of. Okay. I gotta get back to it."

"Take care, sir," Joker says. "Can't keep things light for Shepard if you get yourself hurt."

"Understood, Joker. You two take care as well, and don't underestimate the importance of what you're doing out there. Every win against the Reapers or Cerberus gives us guys in the trenches hope."

"Thank you, sir," I say. "That means a lot to us." We salute him and he returns the gesture.

"Anderson out."

His image fades and Joker's staring ahead at the empty space.

"You okay, Joker?"

He quickly turns around and nods. "Yeah, just… he's risking getting his ass shot off every time he comes up for air and he's worrying about Shepard?"

"Then we'd better make sure we do what he asked."

"Aye aye, sir." We start walking back to the war room. "I was thinking of getting a game together later in the lounge. I don't have the teams worked out yet, but we can play individually. Let me know when Shepard's up and I'll rally the troops."

"That's a great idea. I'll let him sleep a while longer, grab some food and then I'll call you."

"Sounds like a plan. I, uh, I'd like to bring EDI along to the game. You okay with that?"

We stop just before the security screen to the CIC and I turn to him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Joker shrugs. "It's just EDI noticed you were a bit uncomfortable around her last time we spoke in the cockpit."

"It noticed that?"

"Yeah. I mean she's not offended—she gets why and everything—she just told me that if you're not happy with her platform being there, she won't go."

I wasn't expecting that. "Oh. Um, in that case…"

"I just figured it'd be nice for her to get some downtime, too. Well, she'll still be running the ship, but the way she sees it, it's psychologically good for me to see her enjoying herself."

" _Can_ an AI enjoy itself?"

"EDI can, kinda. She's got 'preferences' in her coding. She gets a big kick out of telling jokes and noting our reactions. She's working on her humour heuristics so it's a little hit and miss sometimes, but she's getting better. Shepard and I give her feedback on how well she's doing."

We pass through the security screen and into the CIC. "I don't have a problem with EDI's platform coming along. I just need a little time to adjust, but it's fine. Wouldn't want to… you said it's not capable of taking offence?"

"Right. _She_ doesn't have a limbic system. Even Cerberus couldn't replicate an artificial one. She _is_ conscious of her interactions with her crew mates, though, and works on her responses. She puts a lot of thought into it."

"You consider it part of the crew, then?"

"She _is_ part of the crew. Shepard added her name to the manifest, unofficially, though. He just doesn't include her in any reports to Command, seeing as they still think she's a VI."

"Huh."

"That's about it, yeah."

"You… care about it, don't you?"

"It's 'her', and there's no need to get all 'deviant' on me, Major. She's the best thing Cerberus ever did for us, leave it at that."

I sense Joker's getting agitated so I hold my hands up. "Okay, okay. Can I ask you a question? About Cerberus?"

For once, there's no wisecrack. "All right…"

"What made you join them? What exactly did they offer you?"

He raises his eyebrows and snorts. "What _didn't_ they offer me? Money, fame, women, men, maybe… pretty sure the Illusive Man came onto me a couple of times, but… I told them no until they showed me Shepard. They brought him _back_ , Major. No matter what anyone says, I'll always blame myself for his death and this was a chance to get things right this time around. Plus, there was this." He holds his arms out and we both look around the CIC. "Say what you want about Cerberus, but they gave _me_ my life back, too."

"But you weren't dead."

"Yeah, I was."

I watch him for a moment. "I appreciate your honesty."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"You of all people don't need to ask. Speak your mind."

"Okay. About Shepard. He was never 'on board' with Cerberus like I was. He sent a lot of intel back to the Alliance and did whatever he could to sabotage Cerberus's other operations. If the Illusive Man had ever had the guts to show himself in person, I'm pretty sure Shepard would have put him through the floor. That asshole risked the crew to prove his theories and Shepard told him exactly what he thought about that. He used Cerberus to go after the Collectors and that's it. I wanted you to know that, sir, in case there were still any doubts."

"There aren't, Joker," I say quietly, "but thanks for the reminder."

"So no more questions about Cerberus?"

"Yeah. No more questions about Cerberus."

"And EDI's 'she', not 'it'."

"You going off-duty now?"

He rolls his eyes and I can't help smiling a bit. "Yeah, just gonna check in with _her_ first."

"All right. I'll call you later."

"Aye aye, sir."

"Dismissed."

We salute each other and he starts his slow walk back to the cockpit.

Traynor's off-duty now so I check with her relief to see if anything's come up. Deal with a couple of minor things then head for the Mess. Staff there is off the clock, too, but they always leave plenty in the chiller for the graveyard shift.

So… healthy food. I get some roasted artichoke and bell pepper, wild rice and tuna patties with an ear of corn on the side. Heat it all up then dump some hot sauce on the top just so Shepard will actually eat it. Fix myself something similar but less spicy, then grab a couple of bottles of vitamin water and head back to my quarters.

**XO quarters (Shepard's POV)**

I wake up with a stiff neck and find an unopened bottle of beer in my hand. The light level's dimmed so it takes me a second to figure out where I am. My first thought of 'Must have been a great party' quickly fizzles out and I remember coming back here with Kaidan and Garrus. Looks like they left me to catch up on a few Zs.

Rubbing my neck, I sit up and place the beer on the table before yawning and scrubbing my face. Then a thought occurs to me: is it very late? Did Kaidan go to bed already? I squint and see that his bed's still made up. "EDI, what time is it?"

"20:37 hours."

"Did the Cerberus personnel get picked up?"

"They did. The TSF Digeris departed at 18:44 hours with all scientists and families aboard. If you wish, I will patch you through to Major Alenko who can provide a detailed report. Alternatively, his written report is available—"

"No, that's not necessary. Don't want him to think I'm checking up on him. Just wanted to make sure everything went smoothly."

"Understood."

"Lights on."

Downtime's something I need to get used to. Being commanding officer means I'm never _really_ off-duty, because I need to be available at a minute's notice, but hell, Kaidan wouldn't wake me unless the ship was breaking apart, and then _maybe._

I resist the temptation to ask him if he's managing okay. Of course he is.

Kaidan. The name gets my heart racing every time. Back on the SR-1 it was because… yeah, I felt something for him. More than something. He was so different, not your typical marine at all. Not saying marines in general aren't intelligent or thoughtful, because a lot of them are, just, Kaidan took it to another level.

I remember the first time we met like it was yesterday—it was when the SR-1 was officially commissioned and had a full crew. Anderson made a welcome aboard speech and there was a lot of hollering and whooping but Kaidan just stood there, hands behind his back, a faint smile on his face. Considering he tried his best not to be noticed, I noticed him right away because of that and at the time I had no idea why.

When I was given command of the Normandy, Pressley was my XO and he was a damn good one. Managed the crew and took a lot off of my shoulders but once I got to know Kaidan, he was the one I went to when I needed an opinion. There was something about his voice, his mannerisms, just his presence that drew me to him. But it didn't take me long to discover that beneath his contained, slightly aloof exterior was subtle humour, strong morals, perfectionism, empathy and an almost consuming need to stay in control.

Then one day he told me why.

Think that was when I first… I started falling in love with him, little by little. But I knew I could never tell him for so many reasons, most of all that he was my subordinate and I really shouldn't have felt the way I did. But this was Kaidan, and the heart wants what the heart wants.

Then after we were reunited on Horizon he got my heart racing for another reason: I was confused, furious… hurt. How could he turn his back on me and Garrus? How could he dismiss everything we'd been through? _Why_ didn't he know me, trust me enough to understand why I was working with Cerberus? _Why_ hadn't he figured out how I felt about him? _Why_ didn't he feel the same way?

I woke up every day with those same thoughts running through my head and that anger was part of what spurred me on to defeat the Collectors, so I guess I should be grateful for that. But I was different without him around. Tried to deny it to myself at the time but even I couldn't escape the truth for long.

Without his steadying presence, without his grounding, I changed. I stopped thinking about the possible consequences of my actions. I stopped caring about anything other than the mission. Some would say I've always been like that, but the difference this time was that I acted without _thinking_ because not a lot mattered to me anymore and I was pretty sure we wouldn't survive the Omega-4 relay anyway. Not that I told anyone that, except for Garrus.

Garrus is my brother but he's never been someone I can talk to about my emotional life. It's an unspoken thing between us and it's better that way because my relationship with Garrus is unique. But my relationship with Kaidan is too, and without him around, I wasn't myself.

So, without that emotional outlet, I did a lot of things I've tried very hard to forget. Still doing them now, I guess, but recently I've started _thinking_ more about what I'm doing. Is that morally better? No, I suppose it's not.

I can't blame Kaidan for that. Maybe I'm trying to justify to myself why I did what I did. Maybe there's _no_ justification. I don't know anymore.

Then I saw Kaidan at HQ when the Reapers hit and yeah, I was off with him at first. I don't like surprises and I didn't know how to feel. My first thought was, 'Thank God he's alive' and then all the old resentment came back. I gave him a hard time on Mars because I just wanted to forget about Cerberus and Horizon (which was really behind everything) and he couldn't.

But when Dr. Eva smashed him against the side of the shuttle, a very strange sensation took hold of me. It was like Horizon and all the questions and veiled accusations never happened. I forgave him, just like that. It was like I got a little of my compassion, my humanity, back. Just a glimmer.

By the time we spoke at the hospital I didn't feel angry anymore but I knew Kaidan needed to talk things through. And then he said something that just about floored me.

"Are you flirting with me, Commander? No, don't tell me, just let me live in the illusion."

At the time I dismissed it because he hadn't long woken up and was unfocused. Not to mention all the medication he was on.

But… am I imagining things or did something _happen_ today in the hangar bay? Just for a second it was like…

It was like Cortez and Vega weren't even there.

 _Am_ I imagining things?

He's coming. Better act casual.

**Kaidan's POV**

I try to enter my quarters quietly but Shepard's already up and looking pretty groggy. "Still alive, then?"

"Alive and kicking," he replies with a gravelly voice. "Not so much of the kicking, though."

"Here." I pass him a bottle of water and set our food down on the table dividing his couch and my chair, before taking a seat.

He thanks me and drains the bottle almost in one go. "What's this?" He points at the food as I unwrap it.

I hand him a fork. "Dinner. Eat."

"I _am_ kinda hungry, but this looks like rabbit food."

"Exactly what you need. You think I haven't noticed all the coffee you're drinking? When was the last time you sat down to a hot meal? As you're not sleeping at regular times you need to at least get some decent fuel inside you. And I _don't_ mean sugar."

He's staring at me, horrified. "Did Dr. Chakwas take a sabbatical?"

"No. _Eat."_

I'm already tucking in but Shepard's still staring at his 'rabbit food' like it's radioactive. "You do know it isn't part of an XO's job to nag his or her CO, right?"

"Actually, as duty officer I decided to implement that particular rule as of now. Feel free to belay it once you're back on duty in the morning. Now eat up before I throw your ass in the brig."

"We don't have a brig, Kaidan."

"We've got an empty cargo bay." I point at his food with my fork and he groans.

"Hardass," he mutters before taking a tentative bite. He chews it with suspicion on his face before his expression brightens a little. "You remembered the hot sauce."

"Hard not to. There's about six crates of the stuff out back."

"Glad to hear it. What's this I'm eating?"

"Tuna patties."

He tries a bit more. "Any more of them?"

"Plenty."

He stands and heads for the door. "Be right back."

I sit back and laugh. Maybe I'll turn him onto rabbit food after all… so long as it's smothered in hot sauce.

He returns with the whole damn plate of patties, slapping it down on the table. "You tried these? They're really good." I stick my fork in one of them but Shepard just picks one up and eats it with his hands. "How'd the Cerberus handover go?" he asks between mouthfuls.

"It went well. No problems. We're headed for Dholen. Should be there in a little over six hours."

He nods and looks like he's about to ask me something else but seems to change his mind.

"Also…" I sigh, wondering how he'll react. "Anderson checked in."

His head snaps up and I don't know whether it's anger or worry in his eyes.

"Before you say anything, you _needed_ to sleep and it was my decision not to wake you. Anderson's safe and looks good. They made it out to the countryside and they're dug in."

"He's safe? You sure?"

"I'm sure. He's got some good people with him."

He exhales and starts pumping me for more details. Can't give him much more than I've already told him but glad he's not mad at me.

"Joker's getting a game together later," I tell him when I sense he's more relaxed. "How's your Skyllian Five these days?"

"Rusty. How's yours?"

"Ha, mine's not just rusty, it disintegrated."

He laughs and eats more rabbit food. Mission accomplished, at least for now.

**Starboard Observation Lounge, later that evening (EDI's POV)**

Jeff invited me to join the poker game this evening, claiming that participating would be an 'education' for me. As a quantum blue box-type AI with access to limitless knowledge, I would dispute that. As I consider Jeff a friend and crew-mate, however, I decided to humour him on this occasion.

Upon our arrival I note there are two vacant seats adjacent to Major Alenko. I have noticed that my proximity causes him unease so, in order to 'break the ice', I sit directly next to him.

"Good evening, Major Alenko."

He briefly looks at me and nods once. "EDI."

According to his service record, Major Alenko engaged the geth on Eden Prime in 2183 with Commander Shepard, a mission during which Corporal Richard. L. Jenkins was killed in action. The major was not present during the Collector campaign, and therefore did not meet Legion, meaning his opinion of synthetics is somewhat partisan. I am also aware that my platform attacked him while under Dr. Eva Core's control, so his distrust of synthetics is understandable, if misinformed.

Major Alenko is the executive officer of the Normandy and, in Shepard's absence, is in command. As such, it is important that we enjoy an amicable working relationship. To that end, I will attempt to gain his trust and friendship. It is my belief that humour—when used appropriately—will assist with the attainment of that goal.

Shepard is already present and is seated next to Major Alenko at one end of the table. I am flanked by Major Alenko and Jeff, who is seated next to Garrus. On the opposite side of the table are Engineer Adams, Dr. Chakwas and Specialist Traynor.

As a 'newcomer' to the game, I'm invited to distribute the cards to my fellow participants. As a gesture of friendship, however, I ask Major Alenko if he would like to deal, and pass him the deck. He accepts and cautiously takes the deck from me.

"As we are in an informal setting," I say to him, "would you deem it inappropriate if I were to address you as 'Kaidan' for the duration of this game?"

The quiet conversation at the table stops abruptly.

"Uh… sure, if you want to."

"Thank you, Kaidan. That is very gracious of you."

Kaidan clears his throat and fingers his collar before distributing the cards evenly. He then places a further three cards in the centre of the table: an eight of spades, and a four and jack of diamonds. Upon examination of my own cards, I find that I have an unsuited ace and a 2. As neither deuces nor aces have been declared wild, my calculations reveal that I am in possession of a poor hand which will yield very little chance of victory.

The first round of bets is made, during which Shepard and I 'fold' without placing a bet. Before the game, Jeff told me there was a significant chance that Shepard would employ this very tactic, as it affords him the opportunity to 'check out the form'. Although I chose to 'fold' because of my poor hand, I am able to see the advantages of Shepard's decision.

"Remember when Mordin used to play?" Jeff comments. "Guy had more tells than the Consort's had 'appointments'," he says, making air quotations with his fingers. "His brain worked so damn fast, he'd already smiled or frowned before he remembered he wasn't supposed to."

"Yes, I have rather fond memories of playing against Mordin," says Dr. Chakwas. "I believe he found the pauses and silences wasteful, and needed to fill them with inane babble. I do miss him, though."

"Wish I'd had a chance to know him," Engineer Adams adds. "Said a quick hello to him once when he was here working on the genophage, but he was already rushing away before he replied in between a dozen other things he was saying under his breath. Thought it was something I'd said until Karin told me that's what he was like."

Shepard's bio-scan readings indicate that his heart rate has climbed from 64bpm to 108bpm in the course of the past thirty seconds and continues to rise. I find this noteworthy as he is not actively engaged in the game. "Should I decrease the ambient temperature?" I ask him.

He initially appears confused as to the nature of my question. "No, EDI, I'm fine. Why are you…" He pauses for a moment before Garrus interjects.

"Think a _few_ of us have bad hands and are trying not to show it. Less of the chatter. I'm in."

Engineer Adams turns his cards face-down. "Looks like you were right, Garrus. I fold."

Dr. Chakwas and Specialist Traynor place a bet and, as Shepard has 'folded', it is Kaidan's turn.

"Here we go," Jeff mutters when it is apparent that Kaidan is taking time in cogitating his next move.

"We ever get that timer installed?" Shepard asks Adams.

"All right," Kaidan says, "I get the message. So I like to think about things. Change the record, Commander." A glance at Kaidan's face reveals that he is being humorous.

Shepard's heart rate has levelled out and is falling.

"He's got something," Garrus says in a sly tone. "What's going on in that brain of yours, Kaidan?"

"Bluffing," Specialist Traynor says behind a feigned cough.

Kaidan looks across the table at her and places his bet. "We'll see. Uh… EDI? Would you pass me the pitcher of water, please?"

As the tone of the game has become more informal, I postulate that this is an excellent juncture at which to 'break the ice'.

Keeping my body static, I slowly revolve my cranial unit and look him directly in the eyes. "Error. Corrupted data received. Malfunction detected. Must… kill… all… humans..."

A look of alarm registers on Kaidan's face but most other occupants of the table are quietly laughing. It would appear that my attempt at humour has been successful.

"Not funny, EDI," Shepard comments.

Partially successful, then.

I am still looking at Kaidan, who appears bemused. I decide to employ my cranial unit's smile function in order to demonstrate my nonaggressive intentions. "That was a joke. Should I decide to terminate you at a future date, I will be sure to give sufficient warning."

A moment passes by and Kaidan looks around the table before employing a grim smile of his own. "That's... decent of you."

I pass him the pitcher of water and he asks, somewhat awkwardly, if I also require hydration. I reply that I do not, but am grateful for his enquiry nonetheless.

With the 'ice' broken, the remainder of the hand is played out with Dr. Chakwas emerging as victor when she out-bluffs Kaidan, who was in fact in possession of a superior hand.

Shepard remarks that Kaidan never could bluff for shit, and banter is exchanged.

During the second hand, Shepard does not fold in the first round, something Jeff whispers that he 'totally called'. The heart rates of Shepard, Kaidan and Specialist Traynor have all increased, possibly indicating that their hands are good ones.

However, I believe _I_ hold the superior hand in this particular game: I already have Three of a Kind.

"Playing your cards close to your vest, EDI?" Shepard enquires after two rounds of betting. I suspect he is either trying to ascertain the status of my cards, or that I am giving off a 'tell', which is highly unlikely as I do not demonstrate physiological or emotional changes unless I choose to.

"As I do not wear a vest, your question is invalid."

"Yeah, nice try at psyching her out, Commander," Jeff replies.

"Can you be psyched out?" Kaidan asks me with equanimity, indicating that his comfort at my proximity has increased. "I mean isn't it a little unfair to be playing against someone who doesn't display their feelings in any way?"

"Garrus's face shows less emotion than EDI's," Shepard jokes, "and he's still a lousy player."

"That's because I don't play to win. I play to watch you humans make weird faces while pretending not to. Like when your left eye twitches when you're bluffing, Shepard. That kind of thing."

Shepard touches the area beneath his left eye before giving Garrus an insincere smile. "Nice try, Vakarian."

"Back to my original point," Kaidan resumes, addressing me, "what about all the calculations you can do? That must give you an advantage over everyone else?"

"Although we wouldn't try to compare ourselves with EDI," Chief Adams answers, "Commander Shepard and I are the mathematicians here, or at least the organic ones. All our diplomas and qualifications don't mean a thing, though, when playing a game that relies heavily on intuition. EDI doesn't have that intuition. I'd say that makes us even."

"That's a good point, Greg," Kaidan says before turning back to me, "but you have access to our vital signs, right? You can read our blood pressure, heart rate and so on?"

"Among other things, yes."

"Then, in a way, that could be called intuition."

I employ a 'nod' to facilitate bonding. "I had not considered that before. That is an unusual and creative perspective."

Kaidan glances at Shepard, who is smiling. "So how do we know what _you're_ thinking or feeling?" Kaidan asks me.

"You don't," I reply, "but that does not mean I'm infallible, as indicated during the previous hand."

"We should get the prothean to read EDI," says Garrus. "If he can tell Grunt used to live in the port cargo bay just by touching the floor, he must be able to get something on her."

"Refused to join us," Shepard imparts. "Said games of chance were punishable by death in the Empire."

Jeff snorts. "More like too busy washing his hair, if insects actually _have_ hair. Oh, and polishing the big-ass chip on his shoulder."

"How about a little experiment?" Adams suggests. "If everyone agrees, why don't we have EDI predict the outcome of this hand based on our bio-scans? Be interesting to see how accurate she is."

There is almost unanimous agreement. I detect some reluctance on Specialist Traynor's part, which she quickly conceals. This may indicate that she believes she has a winning hand.

"Very well." I gesture to my right. "Specialist Traynor, Commander Shepard and Kaidan are displaying physiological signs of excitement and anticipation, whereas Garrus and Dr. Chakwas's vital signs are static. Jeff and Engineer Adams's bio-scans have been subject to an occasional fluctuation. In conclusion, Specialist Traynor, Shepard and Kaidan believe they will win this hand, while Jeff and Engineer Adams are attempting to bluff."

"And how about you, EDI?" Adams asks.

"In the spirit of fairness, I also believe I hold a superior hand."

Jeff sighs. "We're screwed."

"So what _are_ these signs of excitement and anticipation?" Kaidan asks me. "Raised heart rate maybe? What else?"

"The three of you are experiencing elevated heart rates, an increase in core temperature and the production of epinephrine, colloquially referred to as adrenaline. Your sweat production has also increased. I have noted, however, other physiological changes in you and Shepard which Specialist Traynor has not experienced."

"Such as?" asks Shepard.

"Your pupils are dilated and your hypothalamuses show a marked output of oxytocin. Kaidan's oxytocin levels are naturally higher than those of his contemporaries, which I would ascribe to anxiety, but in this context I would surmise that both parties are exhibiting signs of sexual arousal. Also, your heart rates increase when you look at one another. Specialist Traynor has not demonstrated any similar signs. I find it most curious."

There is an abrupt silence which is broken by a restrained exhalation from Kaidan. Looking to my left, Jeff has covered his face with his hands and is cursing softly beneath his breath.

Their reactions lead me to believe I may have committed another _faux pas_ but I am unaware of its nature or severity.

"Very, uh, interesting, EDI," Adams says, nudging Dr. Chakwas's arm. "You in, Karin?" A glance at them both reveals that they are fidgeting, indicating social awkwardness.

"Think I'll take a rain check." Shepard rises and declares himself out of the game. "Got a couple of things I need to take care of in the CIC."

"But I'm on duty, Commander," argues Kaidan.

"No. You stay and enjoy the game. Thanks, everyone. Goodnight." He exits the lounge and the rest of the hand is played out in near-silence, with an occasional attempt at small talk made.

A short time afterward, Kaidan also excuses himself.

As I hypothesised, I win the hand with Three of a Kind, rendering Chief Adams's theory redundant.


	10. False Start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Carrie for her beta and Brit Alerts! And thank you to all of you wonderful people for reading and leaving comments!

**Captain's cabin (Shepard's POV)**

I handled that all wrong. Should have played it down, made a joke of it. I should have _stayed_ in the lounge. Leaving was the worst thing I could have done, but it's too late now. And now I have to figure out how to handle things from here.

EDI could have made a mistake. I'm at my terminal and the medical extranet site I'm logged into tells me oxytocin is produced for all numbers of reasons, anxiety being one of them. Didn't EDI say Kaidan had naturally higher levels due to anxiety?

So what am I supposed to do? Go to the CIC and announce to everyone that I _wasn't_ really looking at Kaidan's hands and fantasising about them grabbing my butt while I nail him to the bed? That I _couldn't_ tell he was freshly showered because he smelled so damn good? That I _wasn't_ imagining I'd been there with him, biting his soapy shoulder while giving him a reach-around?

That I _didn't_ picture one of those hands stroking my head as I lie against his chest while we catch a movie in my cabin? That I _don't_ imagine there's something more behind every smile he gives me, or each time he brushes against me?

That I _don't_ wonder what he tastes like, where he likes to be touched, what sound he makes when he…

Damn it, EDI!

Damage control. That's what I need to do. If _I_ feel like this, how the hell does Kaidan feel? Why did I just leave him there?

"EDI, where's Major Alenko?"

"He's standing outside your cabin."

My heart stops for a second. "He's… what?"

"I asked if he required me to announce his presence, but he declined. He has been outside for two minutes, twenty-one seconds."

I'm rooted to the spot at the foot of my bed.

"Shepard, I apologise if my earlier comments created a difficult social situation between you and Major Alenko," EDI says. "Jeff has informed me that I 'screwed up big time'. I did not intend that. If you wish, I will issue an immediate ship-wide retraction of my statement."

"No! Don't do that! Least said, soonest mended, all right? Sometimes the best solution to something like this is to just say nothing at all. Let's leave things the way they are."

"Very well, Shepard. If I can be of any assistance, please let me know."

"Just… organics generally don't like their medical details being broadcast publicly. It's why doctors take oaths of confidentiality."

"I don't understand. You agreed to participate in the sharing of bio-scan information during the game."

I place my head in my hands, letting out a long sigh. "You're right, I did. Look… this isn't your fault. You can't be expected to know what we want kept secret and what we don't. Cerberus didn't give you mind-reading capabilities."

"That is only what I have led you to believe," she jokes.

"Not now, EDI," I say softly. "Can I get some privacy? No bio-scans, no comms. I'll let you know when I want back in. Just be sure to inform Dr. Chakwas that I'm not dead because she's not getting any readings off of me."

"Should I apply those same protocols to Major Alenko?"

"I think he'd appreciate that."

"Understood. Executed. You are now logged out."

I rest my head on one hand and stare at the door. What's going through Kaidan's mind out there? Why am I still sitting here? It isn't like me to shy away from confrontation. Is that what's going to happen here? Are we going to fight? Kaidan must be feeling pretty humiliated and I need to expect it.

I stand up but the door looks so far away. Hell, I don't want a repeat of Horizon. Things are good between us and I want to keep them that way. If it means denying I've got feelings for Kaidan then I'll do it. I just don't want him to look at me the way he did on Horizon, like I was a stranger, like he'd never known me.

Pretty damn sure I'm producing oxytocin now as I walk toward the door.

I hit the entry panel and Kaidan jumps back like the door's electrified.

"Shepard, I was just…"

"Kaidan, I…"

We both take a breath but I'm determined to be heard first because I need to put his mind at rest… somehow.

"I just spoke with EDI and I think there's been a misunderstanding."

His eyes move to the floor and his face slackens a bit. "Oh."

"Yeah. She might have, uh, made a misreading. Look, this'll all be forgotten about by the morning. We've got more important things to deal with. And think about it—everyone who was in the lounge are people I trust and we're all professionals. We can contain this. Let's just… let's just forget about it and move on."

He looks up at me and I know what's coming. "I _can't_ forget about it. Your machine announced to half the senior staff that you and I have got the hots for one another."

"Kaidan, trust me on this. It _will_ go away. I know you're feeling humiliated and I'm sorry I skipped out. I shouldn't have done that."

"Then why did you?"

I think about that and I don't have a satisfactory answer. "I don't know. You know me, I'm not good at dealing with things like that."

"And you think I _am?"_

"I made a bad judgement call. Didn't mean to leave you hangin'. I'm sorry."

He's watching me and I can tell he's working on steadying his breathing. He's still standing in the doorway and I don't know whether to invite him in or not.

"So how do we deal with this?" he asks.

"I think we need to carry on as normal and not acknowledge it. It'll be old news in a couple of days, forgotten about in a week."

"So you can dismiss it just like that. Call it a mistake. Is that what you're saying?"

He's angry and I don't get why. "I'm trying to save you from feeling embarrassed here. I thought that's what you'd want."

"By saying it was all a mistake? Why would I want that?" He starts pacing and his whole body's rigid. After a moment he looks over his shoulder, steps into the cabin and waits until the door closes. "EDI… EDI wasn't wrong, Shepard. About me, anyway."

I'm looking at him, confused, and my stomach flips over. My mouth's working but I don't know what to… is he saying what I think he's saying? "What are you—"

He brings a hand to his brow and blows out a breath. "I mean how many more hints do I need to drop? I came by to tell you _I_ was sorry, that—that it'd all been a mistake to spare _your_ feelings but hearing _you_ say it… I—I don't _want_ it to be a mistake, Shepard. I can't pretend anymore. I thought you knew. I feel like you've always known."

**Kaidan's POV**

I can see it in his eyes. He's got the same look he had at the hospital when I flirted with him. Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?

"Kaidan… I didn't know, I swear."

"Didn't you?" I ask awkwardly, not quite looking him in the eye. "I thought at the hospital I made it pretty clear."

I'm still not looking at him but I glance real quick at his expression. I've never seen that look on his face before and I'm not sure what it means.

"But I thought you were, you know, tanked."

"I was, which is what gave me the nerve to say what I did. Never would have been able to any other time. I don't know how I'm doing it now, I just… I can't keep it inside any longer."

He takes a small step back and covers his mouth and nose with his hands. "Oh, my God." His eyes close. My heart sinks and I know I need to rescue this… need to save face for both of us.

"Look, this doesn't need to be a problem," I say. "I'm just happy we're friends again. Let's keep it that way. We'll forget this ever happened. The last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable around me."

He uncovers his face and frowns at me, his mouth half-open. "I'm not uncomfortable."

I groan in relief then give a nervous laugh, but inside I'm upset. He's letting me down lightly. "Well, that's something. Thanks. Uh… I guess we just need to brazen it out with the crew, then. How'd you wanna handle this?"

"Kaidan." He steps closer and I feel… I… don't know how to feel. Vulnerable? Naked? I realise I'm breathing heavily and I hold it in. "You're not hearing me." I can't look away from him. His eyes are holding me here and I can't… I can't think straight. "I'm not uncomfortable because I feel the same way about you. I always have."

My breath rushes out like I've been kicked in the chest. Our eyes are locked and this is one of those moments you never forget, like when the Normandy went down, but this is… this is _good._ This is _amazing._ I feel like…

_I always have._

I can't even think anymore. But I do know I'm smiling like a loon.

"Then, ah, I'll ask again. How'd you wanna handle this, Commander?"

"How about you call me 'John' for starters."

I nod, my mouth hanging open, my insides shredded. I go to speak but I can't. I'm looking at his mouth and he's looking at mine. Those lips… I've waited so long…

He makes this noise, low and deep like a growl and I'm rushing at him but he meets me in the middle, pushing me hard against the glass wall of the fish tank and he clutches my face and just… _devours_ me.

I moan into his mouth and snake my hands around his waist, grabbing his belt and pulling him tight against me and then my hands are roaming his back and damn I wish these clothes weren't here! I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. He tastes _so good_. His tongue's rough and wet and hot, his lips like satin and gravel. He's got me pressed so hard against the glass I can hardly breathe and when I think I'm about to burst…

He pulls away, just a fraction, and we both let out a ragged breath. Then he's on me again but this time it's slower and deeper, his thumbs caressing my cheeks, a rumble of pleasure coming from deep inside of him and oh, man… I—I think I forgot who I am.

Then I taste blood and my eyes fly open.

"Shit, your mouth's bleeding!" I dart away and I'm looking for a tissue… something, but I hear a grunt and I turn back. He's touching the lip Javik split open—which _I_ just split open again—and he's laughing.

"Wow, Kaidan. Never thought you had it in you."

I find a clean tissue and bring it to him. He takes it from me but his hand brushes against mine and it lingers there. I look into his eyes and we're both still panting. "Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises… John."

He dabs his lip with the tissue and smiles at me the best he can. "Yes you are."

"You okay?" I ask in concern.

"Never better." Looks like it's stopped bleeding. He tilts his head to one side and looks at me, all mischievous. "So what should I put in the incident report?"

I clasp my chin with my hand and pretend to think about that. "How about… 'I was assaulted by the guy with the best ass on the Citadel'?"

"Yeah, that'll work." He tosses the tissue at the waste bin and misses it. "Punishment is, you're relieved of duty as of now. So you get to spend the rest of the evening with me."

I stand back and fold my arms, feeling about as exhilarated as I ever have. "Unfortunately that'll leave _no-one_ on duty. I've still got a couple of hours on the clock."

"You're choosing duty over me?" he asks in a mock-serious tone. "Over these lips?"

We're both laughing and I point at his mouth. "I'm choosing your welfare. You obviously can't withstand me in your current condition."

"I think I can manage." He backs me against the door, which opens, and the look on his face as I step away is priceless. He reaches for my arm. "Don't go. Not yet."

"I'll be back later, I promise."

He pulls me close but I don't resist, part of me not wanting this to end. I raise one of my hands and lightly run my fingers along his cheek, taking care not to touch the livid red scar that's carved into it. He leans into my touch, covering my hand with his own and kissing my palm. "Kaidan," he says so sweetly it almost doesn't sound like him, "why didn't we do this a long time ago?"

I shake my head and sigh. Why the hell _didn't_ we? "Now that's a conversation for when we have more time."

"Later?"

"Later."

He gives me a lingering look that turns my knees to jelly. "I'll be waiting for you. Let yourself in." Gives me a quick kiss on the lips then finally lets me go.

I'm walking backward to the elevator and this is ridiculous. We're making eyes at each other like a pair of love-struck teenagers. But yeah, it feels good. Think I manage to leave there with a _sliver_ of my dignity intact.

And I'm good with that.

A little later, once I'm off the clock, I decide to surprise him so I use the bypass code he gave me to gain entry to the cabin. For the past couple of hours my stomach's been in pieces and I've _really_ had to work hard to, uh, not work _hard_. I've always imagined what a night with him would be like. It's been a fantasy for so long but now it's about to become reality. I know I shouldn't assume things but _come on._ The way he kissed me didn't leave much room for interpretation.

And… I find him passed out on the couch with five data pads in his lap. So he's a snorer. Huh.

I give him a disapproving look but it's not helping. I can't wake him, can I? Just stand here for a bit watching him. It's funny, when he's sleeping he doesn't look like Commander Shepard. He looks like an ordinary (but very handsome) guy I happen to have been in love with for the past three years. Maybe if our _lives_ were ordinary, it'd have happened sooner.

But it's happened and I can't help smiling. Got a feeling my life just got a lot more complicated but I'll buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Me and John. It's about time and it feels right.

I move the data pads to the table and pull the top cover off his bed—don't know why because it's not cold in here, I mean the entire ship's climate-controlled—and drape it over him, taking a minute to reflect on how damn corny this is. Hope it makes him smile when he wakes up.

"See you in the morning, John."

Walk out of there feeling on top of the world, even if I'll be sleeping alone tonight.

**The following morning, Dholen System, Far Rim (Shepard's POV)**

"Shepard, I have detected the activation of your personal alarm. Are you awake?"

I'm between sitting and lying, one leg hanging off the couch, and I've got a nasty taste in my mouth, meaning my breath must be just as sweet. One of my bed covers is twisted around my leg. Did I fall asleep here? Hell!

"Hey, EDI. Everything okay?"

"Yes. We rendezvoused with the quarian envoy ship an hour ago and its captain has sent a personal greeting to your inbox. The Admiralty will be ready to come aboard at 0700 hours, provided this meets with your approval."

I give a huge yawn, stretch, and sit up. "It does. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Should I send confirmation to the quarian ship?"

"No, I'll take care of it myself."

"Understood."

I'm still half-asleep when I stagger to the bathroom and check myself in the mirror. Yeah, that lip's swollen. Kaidan's a real firebrand. But the quiet ones usually are.

I'm grinning at my reflection while I hold my abdomen. I often wake up with butterflies in my stomach but these are the good kind.

Turn on the shower but before I undress I step back into the cabin and cue up my omni-tool. "You awake, Kaidan?"

"Well, good morning," he answers, his face appearing on a small screen. He's smiling and he's not wearing anything up top, so I'm smiling too. "You sleep okay?"

"Sorry about that. Don't even remember falling asleep. Did you cover me up?"

He chuckles. "Snuck in when I went off the clock, but you were, ah, in a _very_ deep sleep."

"Was I snoring? I've been told I do that."

"Oh? Told by who exactly?" His eyes narrow in mock suspicion and damn it, I'm melting inside. Adorable when jealous. Noted.

"Uh… EDI?"

He pulls a face. _"Right."_

"I notice you're not wearing anything," I say, changing the subject. "You've been working on your shoulders. And arms. _And_ pecs. And that's a nice tattoo. Don't think I've seen that before." I squint and move a little closer to the screen for a better look. Got a dusting of black hair running over those pecs. "Niiiiiice."

"Why, Commander." He covers his wine-coloured nipples with his hand and forearm but he's biting his lip and trying not to laugh. "I really don't think this is appropriate. I mean we haven't even had breakfast yet."

"Then let's rectify that. Grab something and meet me up here in… 40 minutes? We'll be entertaining the quarian admiralty in a while and you're coming with me."

"Am I gonna need my dress blues?"

"Uh-uh. Come as you are."

"That's _not_ gonna happen."

"Just tell the crew you're going for a run. New research. Clothes are bad for the skin."

"No."

I smile at him. "39 minutes."

"I can't wait," he says in a husky voice that I'm really going to need to hear again. Soon.

He cuts the link and I take a seat at my private terminal, sending a reply to the quarian captain and arranging an escort for the delegation. Before jumping in the shower, I scan the rest of my emails and…

There's a new one from Wrex.

I stare at it and the warm, fuzzy feeling I woke with is a distant memory. I open it, wondering what I'll find.

The title reads: _Making babies is fun._

I read the rest of it and start to feel a very real fear as I get to the end. Not fear of Wrex finding out—if that happens I doubt I'll even know about it.

I send an update request to Padok Wiks and head back to the bathroom, where I catch sight of my reflection again.

This time, I'm not smiling. I'm going to need to tell Kaidan about Tuchanka because if it ever gets out and he didn't know...

Only he won't see it the way Garrus did. He _can't,_ because he's not wired that way. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and it's about to bite me in the ass.

I strip off and step into the shower, the butterflies returning. And this time, they're not the good kind.

**War Room, 0712 hours (Kaidan's POV)**

Okay, I gotta admit that seeing Shepard, or John as I'm now calling him, like this is just a bit exciting. The entire quarian admiralty's in the war room—something that would intimidate even the most seasoned officer—but there's no doubt about who's _really_ in charge here.

"Tell me what's wrong with this statement," John begins, his arms crossed as he stares down Admiral Han'Gerrel. " _The Reapers have already laid waste to Earth and Palaven and soon they'll be knocking on our door, but we're just gonna ignore them because we're going to war with the geth for no apparent reason._ What the hell is wrong with you people? _"_

"I quite agree, Shepard," says Admiral Zaal'Koris. "This is a fool's errand, one that will bring nothing but devastation and misery to our people."

Han'Gerrel's quick with his argument. "The only fool I see is standing right in front of me, Zaal'Koris! We must meet the geth threat or there won't _be_ any people left to be miserable, devastated or otherwise!"

" _What_ threat?" John interrupts. _"You're_ the ones going after _them!"_

"Yes, and they are retaliating with devastating force," Admiral Raan points out.

Well, even I'm dumbfounded. "Can you blame them? You think they're just going to lie down and surrender? Would you?"

John turns his back on the admirals and shakes his head. Admiral Xen, who's been quiet so far, says her piece. "Semantics are irrelevant. The fact remains that we _are_ engaged with the geth, who have been upgraded with Reaper code."

She touches her omni-tool and a complicated-looking schematic appears in mid-air. John's pissed but this kind of thing's right up his alley and he turns around, examining it for a minute.

"How are they doing this?" he asks Xen.

"A signal is being transmitted from the dreadnought but its source is unknown. A small team could infiltrate the vessel and disable the signal."

John nods slowly, a wry look on his face. "Let me guess—this 'small team' consists of Normandy personnel. Am I right?"

Admiral Raan, who seems to be the diplomat in the group, answers. "You and your team are uniquely equipped to deal with this threat, Commander, as you are experienced in fighting the Reapers."

"And your people are experienced in fighting the geth, but I don't see any quarians willing to risk _their_ asses here." John looks at me and I could swear he winks. "I think we're done. I wanted help against the Reapers but the Alliance isn't prepared to get involved in your war with the geth. You're on your own."

He turns to leave and I follow, trying not to smile. He's got the quarians over a barrel and it doesn't take long for one of them to panic.

"Commander, we cannot offer assistance at the present time," says Xen, still managing to sound like she doesn't give a rat's ass about anything, "but once the signal is disabled and the geth defeated, you _will_ have our fleets at your disposal."

John stops and takes his time turning around. "What do _you_ think?" he asks me just loud enough for them to hear.

"Excuse us," I say to the quarians, and we step out for a bit. Once the door's closed, I raise an eyebrow at him. "Is this really necessary?"

"Yeah, it's necessary. They think they can come aboard my ship, having already decided that my crew's going to fight their war for them? Damn right I'm gonna make them sweat."

"Well, when you put it like that." We lean against the wall side-by-side. _"Do_ quarians sweat?"

"Wouldn't know. Sure as hell wouldn't want laundry detail on those suits, though."

"Okay, and now I can't take them seriously." I glance at him and he's smiling. "You're being a brat, you know. How long do you plan on keeping them waiting?"

"Wanna grab lunch?"

Now I'm laughing. "We had breakfast 45 minutes ago!"

"Brunch?"

"Get your ass back in there." I give him a shove and we stand in front of the door. "Lose the smile, Commander."

"Copy that, Major."

We walk back in, deadly serious. I don't say another word because I might laugh and ruin the mood.

"We'll disable the signal," John says, "but I want one of your people along. If you expect my crew to risk themselves for you, you're gonna share that risk. Let's call it a team-building exercise."

The admirals look at one another and Raan answers. "I believe our newest admiral can assist you, Commander."

Strangely, as if pre-arranged, the door behind her opens and out walks an old friend. I see the look on John's face and although he's happy to see her, I doubt he appreciates the way Raan announced her.

We both walk up to her. "Good to see you Tali," John says genuinely. I smile at her and she dips her head in acknowledgement. "How've you been?"

"We'll talk later, Shepard, Kaidan. Let's get that signal disabled first."

Well that doesn't sound like the old friendly Tali but John seems to understand. "Agreed. Meet you in the hangar bay in fifteen minutes."

"Will do." She turns her back on us and goes to talk with the other admirals. John nods toward the door and we leave.

"What do you make of that?" he asks me.

"I'd say she's keeping it professional for appearance's sake."

We start walking toward the CIC. "That's what I thought. Hope they're not using her by slapping an admiral title on her to get us onside. Those bastards took her name off of her and now she's useful to them?"

"Guess we'll find out soon enough. Who'd you want along?"

He thinks for a few seconds. "Garrus wanted to run a diagnostic on the weapons array this morning so he's out. If we're engaging the geth I want someone extra along and I need people who can strip shields. You, me and EDI are best equipped for that. That gonna be okay?"

"Sure. So long as she's not giving a running commentary on how fast my breakfast's being turned into crap."

He shakes his head. "We had a little talk before you came up. To be fair, she normally doesn't broadcast stuff like that. She thought she was being helpful."

"Well, I guess she was this time." We smile at each other and keep walking. When we get to the barrier door John lets out a sigh. "You okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, just… I'll talk to you about it later."

I touch his arm and he stops. "Wait, are we okay? You don't regret what happened last night, do you?"

"Hell, no!" I laugh in relief and he looks around before clutching my shoulders. "If you think I regret that, you're crazy. The only thing I do regret is falling asleep after."

"You're not the only one. Maybe we can make up for it later?"

He sighs again and looks at me seriously. "I hope so. Let's get the dreadnought taken care of and then… let's just get it done."

He steps ahead and the doors open. While we wait to be cleared, I touch my earpiece. "EDI to the hangar bay."

"At once, Major."

I wish we had more time. Something's bothering him and I don't know what it is. Hoping this means he's starting to see me as his 'shoulder' again. Whatever it is, I'm here for him and I know we'll figure it out together.

**War Room, after disabling Reaper signal**

Tali and I have already given Han'Gerrel a piece of our minds after he tried to blow up the dreadnought while we were still on board, but John's talking with Hackett. Feels like a storm's coming. Gerrel seems to think John will understand but he doesn't know John like I do. The guy's in big trouble.

I get my answer when John comes down the steps, two at a time. He makes a beeline for Gerrel and walks right into him, but there's no emotion on his face. Think he just wants to scare him.

"Tali, how'd you remove these damn masks?" he asks, his hands coming up to Gerrel's face, who tries to wriggle away but John's got him pinned against the table.

"No, Commander! You could kill him!" Raan protests, trying to squeeze in between them as they grapple.

Tali, Xen and Zaal'Koris don't do a thing. If I didn't know better, I'd say they were enjoying this. Although… EDI and I aren't exactly rushing to Gerrel's rescue, either.

"Well _that's_ funny," John says, his nose about an inch from Gerrel's mask, "I was saying the same thing while we were aboard the dreadnought and you were ignoring our comms. 'He's trying to kill us!'"

"The dreadnought was completely vulnerable!" argues Gerrel. "That was our best chance at taking it out!"

I wince. Wrong answer.

John steps back and raises his gun, aiming it at Gerrel's head. _"Nobody_ endangers my squad."

The quarians freeze and you could hear a pin drop. _Now_ I'm a little worried. I need to trust that John won't do anything stupid, but still. "I don't think those masks can withstand a shot at point-blank range, Commander."

"I know. I checked."

Now Gerrel looks scared. His arms are in the air and he's almost bent backward over the table. "Shepard, there's no need for—"

"Doesn't feel good, does it?" John asks in a deadly tone. "Knowing you're about to die?"

"You've made your point, Commander," Gerrel concedes, his voice strangled. "Next time I'll be more… circumspect."

John keeps the gun raised for a few seconds more before lowering it. "Make sure there _is_ no 'next time'."

He holsters his gun and leaves. Gotta admit I breathe a sigh of relief.

**Captain's Cabin, later that day (Shepard's POV)**

Just got done talking with Tali and now Kaidan's on his way. After my little display earlier I get the feeling he's not coming up to seduce me.

Not my finest moment, holding one of the Admiralty at gunpoint, but I had to make sure Gerrel got the message. My squad is made up of the people I trust the most, my friends, and anyone who threatens them's not getting off lightly. Gerrel's a veteran so he needed a little more convincing than the average person.

Don't think Kaidan approved, though, and I think he's about to tell me that.

He doesn't let himself in this time but pushes the entry panel. "Come in."

I'm seated at my terminal when he enters and he's looking serious. "Hey there."

"Hey, Kaidan. You okay?"

"Was about to ask you the same thing, actually."

I stand up and gesture for him to join me in the seating area. I sit on the large couch and, to my relief, he also sits on it but leaves a little space between us.

"About earlier," I begin, but don't get the chance to finish.

"You reacted emotionally, John. Gerrel was wrong, really wrong, but I don't think we need to stoop to his level to get our point across. I didn't like what I saw. It wasn't you."

"Okay." I was expecting this, and I know he's picking his words very carefully, but I'm surprised by how hard they hit me. "We spent a long time apart, Kaidan. A lot happened. Things have changed. _I've_ changed. You said as much on Horizon."

He shakes his head, agitated. "We are _not_ bringing Horizon into this. You wanted me as your XO and one of my jobs is keeping you on an even keel. You were _that_ close to losing control with Gerrel."

"Kaidan, he opened fire on the dreadnought knowing we were still aboard. I needed him to understand that my people are _not_ expendable."

"And I get that, but there's a way of doing things. Hell, I felt like pulling my gun on him myself, but I didn't. You did and that concerns me. I'm not questioning your command style, John. I'm worried about _you._ "

I sit back a little but he stays on the edge of the couch.

"Look, I'm not totally naïve," he continues. "I know you're doing whatever it takes to get assets for the war. I know you've done a lot of things I probably wouldn't approve of and that's fine. If I were in your place I'm not sure I'd be up to the job. It's just…" He reaches for one of my hands. "I don't want you to lose yourself. I _care_ about you. I've always cared about you and the man I saw in the war room isn't the man I remember."

I squeeze his hand before releasing it and I sit forward, inching closer to him. "You weren't around during the Collector campaign and no, that's not a dig at you. Things happened during that time and they changed me."

"Like what?" he asks quietly.

I take a minute to answer. "Okay… Cerberus and the Illusive Man betrayed us, and I was expecting that all along, but he put my people—my friends—on the line time and time again and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I couldn't touch him, I couldn't even threaten him because nothing ever worked on him. He's the coldest son of a bitch I've ever known. I spent most of that time feeling angry and frustrated and it grew inside of me like a cancer.

Then there was the Collector Base. The Collectors took most of the crew only… we didn't get to them in time. Dr. Chakwas was the only one who survived. We had to watch, Kaidan, as they dissolved in front of our eyes. They just… disintegrated. We couldn't get those fucking pods open fast enough."

"Hey." He scoots closer and lays a hand on my back. "So… you lost another crew."

I nod and my hands are trembling so I mesh my fingers together. "It was a Cerberus crew but they were still people. People I talked to every day. People who had families. People who depended on _me_ to keep them safe. I didn't. I delayed going to the Collector Base because I wanted to build up my team. That decision meant I saved 12 people but… we lost a lot more than that. Illusive Man called their deaths 'regrettable but necessary'. They _weren't_ necessary, Kaidan. I _could_ have saved them if I'd acted sooner."

"You did what you thought was best at the time. It wasn't your fault, John."

"Doesn't matter whose fault it was. This is who I am _now_. I hate Cerberus and I hate the Reapers and there is _nothing_ I won't do to stop them. I want to be with you more than anything but I'm not the same man anymore. I've done things that you wouldn't just disapprove of, but that would disgust you." I look him in the eye. "Before we take things further, you've got a right to know. I don't want any secrets between us."

I hear him exhale and he places his free hand over his mouth, nodding. "All right," he says after a pause, uncovering his mouth. "Give me the worst of it."

I close my eyes for a second, knowing this could end things before they've even started, but I won't lie to him. "Mordin Solus wasn't killed in the explosion at the Shroud."

He's silent for a bit and I know he's thinking, unravelling every scenario his mind can come up with. "Do you mean he's not dead or that something else killed him?"

"Some _one_ killed him, Kaidan. Someone he called a friend."

Now I can't even hear him breathing. There's no reaction at all. Then I hear his feet. He's up and pacing. I look up and he's got both hands on top of his head, facing me but not looking at me.

"You."

"Yes."

"Okay. Why?"

That's not a request. I know he's doing his best to look like he's not judging me but he can't manage it. He's outraged but it's all held inside, in a tight ball in his gut.

"Guess I should look you in the eye when I tell you," I say, and he nods, his lips in a tight line. He goes to cross his arms but changes his mind and lets them hang at his sides, his fingers flexing.

I lick my lips. "Salarians sabotaged the genophage cure. I made sure it wasn't fixed. That was the price of the salarians joining the war effort."

He blinks and shakes his head. "But the genophage _was_ cured." Then his face drops and he looks me right in the eyes. "At least… the krogan _believe_ it was."

"It wasn't."

He's staring at me, his mouth half-open. Then he starts to pace again, one hand on his brow. "So let me get this straight… the krogan are celebrating over something that never actually happened?"

"Yes."

"You lied to them? To _Wrex?"_

"Yes."

"No. No. There's no way you'd get away with that. What about when the krogan realise they're not getting pregnant? What about when the attrition rate doesn't fall? What happens then?"

"The salarians have fabricated evidence that will 'prove' the cure was flawed from the start. The krogan _will_ discover the truth, but it's unlikely they'll do so until after the war."

"By which time they'll have joined the war under false pretences? My God, that sounds so… so…"

"Callous? Yes. I know."

"But you say it so matter-of-factly, like it's today's lunch menu." There's bitter disappointment in his voice and I make sure I keep mine even when I answer.

"How else can I say it, Kaidan? Would it change anything if I was upset?"

"No, I suppose it wouldn't." Now he's turned his back on me and resumed pacing. "So how does Mordin Solus figure into all this?"

"He tried to stop me."

He turns back to look at me. "Tried?"

I nod.

He closes his eyes and turns away, just standing there. I slowly get up but don't approach him. What else can I say now? How could this possibly get any worse? Kaidan isn't me. He isn't Garrus. There's no way back from this. He won't be able to accept it.

"Did you—did you even try to incapacitate him first?"

"I did." I shake off the memory that comes into my head because Kaidan needs the truth. "But he was too fast and time was running out."

"I… I just… I don't know what to say here. I mean I understand that… I'm not saying you didn't have your reasons, I'm just finding this difficult to assimilate."

"I know."

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, sounding confused and hurt. I want to touch him, put my arms around him but I feel like I just gave up that right. "Why now?"

I move in front of him, keeping some space between us. "Because you're a good man, Kaidan." I raise a hand and rest it against his cheek. "I admire and respect your integrity but I can't afford it. You need to know the truth before anything else happens between us. You need to be free to decide whether anything will _ever_ happen between us."

He gives a small nod and stares at the floor, frowning heavily. "That's the worst of it?"

I take my hand away from his face. "That's the worst thing I've ever done."

"I appreciate you being straight with me." He glances at the door and I know he wants out.

"I guess you'll need some time," I say. "Or… maybe not."

A breath rushes out of him and I can see he's getting agitated again. "What did the salarians give you? I mean I'm not saying… I—I guess I just need to… figure all this out in my head. See if it was worth it. I dunno."

"We acquired the Salarian First Fleet. Every one of their ships has IES stealth technology."

"What? How? I thought only the Normandy had those capabilities?"

"Word is, STG acquired schematics of the Normandy's stealth systems and the algorithms behind the SR-2's Reaper IFF signal. However they did it, the salarians have _dreadnoughts_ with stealth capabilities. So yes, from a tactical standpoint, it was worth it."

"And from a moral one?"

I blow out a breath. "That depends."

"Oh, come on! I don't buy this 'You're the good guy, Kaidan, and I'm not'. That doesn't make it any more acceptable. Are you seriously saying it would have been _more_ wrong if I'd done it? Because I'm supposed to be 'good'?"

"I'm not saying that at all, I just—"

"No. Just stop." He closes the gap between us and squares up to me. "I need to know if you feel any regret, any remorse, over this. If you think about Mordin Solus at all, or if he's just collateral damage or a casualty of war or whatever it is you tell yourself to justify this."

I hold his gaze, again feeling a strong need to touch him, but I don't. "I think about Mordin almost as much as I think about you. And that's only because thinking about you makes me feel better. If you really want to know, I _don't_ justify this. I'm trying to make sure we get as many people through this war as possible by any _means_ possible."

"Would you do it again?"

After a beat, I nod once.

"And what if it came down to, say, me against a fleet? Would you kill me?"

"No," I say decisively.

"Why not? Why Mordin and not me?"

"You _know_ why!"

He looks down at his feet and I know there's a war of a different kind going on inside of him. "How did you kill him?" he asks in almost a whisper.

"It doesn't matter how."

"It matters to _me."_

I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes, as if I can shut out his reaction. "I shot him in the back."

I open my eyes and he nods, chewing on his lip for a second before looking up at me. "That must be difficult to live with."

"How I feel doesn't matter. _I_ don't matter. What matters is winning this war, Kaidan. What matters is eradicating the Reapers once and for all. People can judge me how they want. In a hundred years I'll be dead and gone but organics will _still_ be around. I'm _not_ letting the Reapers win!"

We're both upset but I'm expressing it and he's not. He's internalised it. His expression's hard but his breathing's slowing down. He's got this down to an art and it's not healthy.

"Kaidan, say something. Yell at me, hit me if it makes you feel better. Just… just don't walk away feeling like you do."

When he replies his voice is flat, steady, controlled, meaning he's pushed it all down. "I'm just having a problem finding anything good in this."

"There might be something, if you'll let me show you."

He gives a slight nod and I lead him to my private terminal, opening the most recent correspondence from Padok Wiks. I let him read every single email and I see his frown deepen.

"It was never my intention to _stop_ the genophage cure," I explain. "I only wanted to delay it to get the salarians. Padok Wiks has all the components of the cure, we just need to figure out a transmission vector."

"When are you thinking of releasing it?"

"Not until after the war, and only if Urdnot Wrex is still alive."

He shakes his head. "So you're playing God."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"It's the only way of looking at it." He steps back from the screen. "So this way you'll only be double-crossing the salarians?"

"I'm fine with that. Just playing them at their own game."

"Yeah." He nods, his eyes fixed on the desk. "I can see that." He heaves a sigh and looks toward the door again. "I'm going to need to, um…"

"I understand." I step aside and he walks right past me, his head down. "Kaidan," I say. He stops but doesn't look back. "I've done a lot of things in my time and lied to a lot of people. But I've never been able to lie to you, and I never will, even if it hurts you. I'm sorry."

He stands there for what feels like a long time. Eventually, he turns his head back a little. "Thank you."

Then he walks out of my cabin and I don't see him for the rest of the day.


	11. Second Nature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the awesome Carrie for being my story XO and keeping me in line! :) And thanks once again for all your comments and kudos, they really do make my day!

**Horizon, Iera System, 2185 (Garrus's POV)**

Weirdest damn day of my life. Just got done killing some giant bugs with delusions of grandeur, and now the irritating maintenance guy's cussing out Shepard for letting said bugs take his friends, even though _he_ spent the duration of the fight cowering in a locked warehouse. My thoughts are that he should show a little more gratitude, and it seems Shepard agrees with me.

He grabs the guy by the lapels and tells him to shut the hell up.

"Nice one," Zaeed says. "Now nut the bastard."

"Where was Staff Commander Alenko stationed?" Shepard demands and then… oh boy. He's got his back turned and doesn't see who's coming around the corner.

Now if it was _me_ coming around the corner, I'd be saying something witty like, "You called?" but it's not me, obviously. It's Kaidan. And he looks pissed.

The maintenance guy pushes Shepard away and gives him a filthy look. "I already told ya! He was right here! You ain't too bright, are ya?"

"I _mean_ which part of the colony, genius? Is there a chance he might have hidden like you did? _Without_ shitting his pants?"

"You'd better start yapping or you won't be too fucking upright, geddit?" Zaeed threatens.

"How about I answer that question?" Kaidan says in a sober tone, appearing behind the maintenance guy. Not as stylish as _my_ entrance would have been, but his timing's impeccable.

"Kaidan." Shepard walks forward and they shake hands, which is usually a gesture of friendship between humans, but… did it just get a little chilly around here? "Glad you're okay."

The maintenance guy mutters something about Alliance types but I notice he stays out of arms' reach of Shepard when he does. Then he stomps off.

"Glad you're alive," says Kaidan, but he's not smiling _or_ looking like he's planning on throwing a 'welcome back' party anytime soon. "I heard rumours you were, but then rumours are never as reliable as hearing directly from someone you thought was a friend. Are they?"

Shepard frowns at him for a minute, caught off-guard by Kaidan's icy tone. "I _wanted_ to tell you. I asked Anderson where you were but he wouldn't say. I was in a lab, being rebuilt, until a couple of weeks ago. What are _you_ doing here? I thought the Alliance wasn't sending any teams into the Terminus? Unless… you were here looking for me."

" _Looking_ for you? I didn't even know you were alive, remember?" Kaidan rasps, shaking his head as he glances first at me, then at Zaeed. "And as far as why I'm here, I don't think _Cerberus_ needs to have that information."

Zaeed's laughter's like rusty gears. "Cerberus? Not goddamn likely, pal. They might be paying me but I don't work for no one but myself. Who _is_ this streak of piss, Shepard? Want me to sort him out for you?"

Shepard holds his hands up, looking irritated. "No, we're good, thanks." He nods ahead and he and Kaidan walk off, where they hold a private conversation.

After a while it's clear it's not going well. Shepard's gesticulating and his face is getting redder but Kaidan's as calm as a spring lake on Caelax which, knowing Kaidan as I do, isn't always a good sign.

Kaidan walks off without looking back, leaving Shepard… well, if I didn't know him better, I'd say upset. Then his face hardens and he stalks toward us, tapping his earpiece. "Joker, get us outta here. I've had enough of this colony."

"What's eatin' him?" Zaeed asks me, unwisely, as Shepard goes ahead of us. "He had a row with his boyfriend or somethin'?"

Shepard halts, his shoulders hunched, and turns around, fists clenched at his sides. Whoa. If you looked up the word 'livid' in the dictionary, you'd see a picture of him. He makes straight for Zaeed and stops an inch away from his face.

"Not _one_ more word, Massani. Not. One. More. Word."

Zaeed always was as sharp as a bowling ball. "Hit the nail on the fucking head, if you ask me."

A second later and he's lying on his ass, cupping his nose. Shepard keeps on walking, rubbing his forehead.

I hold out a hand to Zaeed and pull him up, groaning in exasperation. "He _did_ warn you."

**Normandy SR-2, CIC, present day, Dholen System (Shepard's POV)**

"So one of the admirals got their ass shot down and despite the fact half the flotilla is here, in this system, they can't spare _one_ ship to go after him?" I ask Traynor.

She gives an apologetic smile and shrugs. "That's what Admiral Raan said, sir. 'Quarian resources are stretched thin'."

I shake my head and lean forward on the console. "Which admiral are we talking about?"

"Zaal'Koris, sir. The Qwib-Qwib made a crash landing while taking out a planetary defence cannon on Rannoch and all attempts to contact it have failed. The geth have numerous jamming towers installed on Rannoch so it's impossible to tell if there are any survivors."

I slowly turn my head in her direction. "Did you just _laugh_ , Specialist?"

"Wh—who me, Commander?"

"Yeah, when you said 'Qwib-Qwib'." She bites her lip and turns away from me. "This is a serious situation and I need you to stay focused."

"Oh, uh, I have a cold, sir. Must be affecting my speech. My apologies, Commander."

"You _do_ know they discovered a cure for the common cold 70 years ago, right?"

She clears her throat and her ears turn pink. "I always think it's best to let these things work through your system, Commander. As nature intended and all that."

"Uh-huh."

She's grinning at me and I attempt to meet it with a severe stare but end up rolling my eyes.

Joking aside, Koris leads the Civilian Fleet, the largest quarian fleet by far. Not only that, but he's also opposed to hostilities with the geth along with Tali. I need him alive.

"Joker, how soon can you get us to Rannoch?"

"Assuming one of the geth ships _doesn't_ crash into us because they can't _see_ us, little under thirty-five minutes, Commander."

"Take us there. And _don't_ let any geth ships crash into us or the respray's coming out of your pay."

"Way to motivate your crew," he mutters. "Aye aye, sir."

"Garrus, Tali, report to the hangar bay. Kaidan, report to the CIC for a briefing. She's all yours."

Garrus and Tali send confirmation but Kaidan doesn't. "Kaidan. Report to the CIC." I wait a few seconds and look up, my hands on my hips. "Major Alenko. Acknowledge my order."

I see Traynor turn to me and I glance at her. "EDI? There a problem with the comm. system?"

"I detect no problems, Shepard."

Get a feeling in my gut and I don't like it. "Where's Major Alenko?"

"In his quarters."

"Is he sleeping?"

"Scans indicate that he's awake."

"Life signs?"

"Stable."

I touch my earpiece. "Garrus, you still on the crew deck?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Go to the XO quarters and check on Kaidan. He's not responding to my hails."

"Right away."

I stare at the Galaxy Map, a hot sensation in my stomach. My fingers are tapping against the console. I need to take care of things here but… I don't know. I might be needed but I don't know what's going on.

"Traynor, do we have the precise location of the Qwib-Qwib?"

"An approximate one, sir. Co-ordinates already sent to the cockpit."

"Okay. Good work."

"Shepard," EDI interjects, "For your information, Garrus has called Dr. Chakwas to the XO quarters."

"Why?"

"I don't have sufficient information to answer that at this time. Garrus did not provide an explanation other than, 'There's something wrong with Kaidan', to quote him directly."

"Shepard, you'd better get down here," Garrus says through my earpiece, but he doesn't sound stressed, which I hope is good.

"On my way." I step into the elevator, my heart racing. "Crew deck. Talk to me, EDI."

"I'm detecting elevated levels of epinephrine and decreased levels of testosterone in Major Alenko. There is significant, abnormal electrical activity across the frontal and parietal lobes. The pituitary gland is—"

"In English?"

"I _am_ speaking English, Shepard. I will simplify for your benefit. Major Alenko is experiencing a surge of glucose and endorphins, which is the human body's natural response to severe physical pain."

"Pain?" I'm pushing against the door of the elevator as it opens and I jog to the XO quarters where Garrus is waiting outside. The Mess is deserted.

"Migraine," Garrus explains quietly. "A bad one. Found him sitting in a corner with a pillow wrapped around his ears. He can't even speak. Doc says he needs absolute quiet."

I exhale but my heart's still pumping. "All right." I know his migraines are bad but at least it's nothing life-threatening. "Get down to the hangar bay, I'll be along in a minute." I touch my earpiece. "James, report to Specialist Traynor in the CIC for a briefing. You're in command while we're on Rannoch. Major Alenko is _not_ to be disturbed under any circumstances."

"Yes, sir. On my way."

"EDI, make a note in the log and change Lieutenant Vega's security clearance to XO level until further notice."

"Understood."

Garrus is already heading off. "I'll get the weapons ready if Vega hasn't finished down there."

"Appreciate it, Garrus. EDI, _no_ comms while I'm the XO quarters."

"Dr. Chakwas has already issued explicit instructions to that effect."

"Noted."

I take a deep breath before touching the entry sensor. I step inside and the lights are way down so I wait a few seconds for my eyes to adjust. Can just about see Dr. Chakwas—she's kneeling next to Kaidan's bed.

She looks up but I hold my hands up to show I'm staying quiet as I go further in.

Kaidan's still on the floor in the corner, his head between his knees, his fingers meshed behind his neck. Every few seconds he gasps. I squat down but don't touch him even though I'm longing to.

He's rocking back and forth. Oh, God. Can't imagine how horrible the pain must be.

"I've administered a muscle relaxant and antiemetic but he needs to lie down and remain absolutely still," Chakwas whispers. "It'll be a minute or two before they take effect because his implant is fighting them. I don't want to move him until then."

"Sorry… Shepard," he hisses.

"Don't try to talk," I say as softly as I can, involuntarily touching his arm and holding it.

"I'll need help to get him to the bed," Chakwas says. "If you'd send someone in I'd appreciate it. I know you're due to take a team out shortly so I won't keep you."

I turn and sit on the floor next to Kaidan, stroking his clammy arm with my thumb. "They can wait a little longer. I'm staying right here."

After a short time Kaidan moves his hands and raises his head but his eyes are closed. Even in the dim light I can see how sickly he looks and how much pain he's in.

"You up to this, big guy?" I ask.

"Mm. Mm."

Chakwas pushes herself up and I follow, positioning myself in front of Kaidan. "Take it very slowly," she advises. I hunker down and hook my arms under Kaidan's, clasping my hands together behind his back.

"Need you to push up with your legs if you can," I whisper into his ear.

"Mm."

"On three. One, two, three."

I haul him up and he's as limp as a dead fish, his head flopping over my shoulder. "Augh… dizzy…"

"Close your eyes, Major," says Chakwas and I assume he complies. Her omni-tool lights up as I hold him.

"That should do it," she says. "Do you feel any difference?"

"Lil' better," he pants, standing unsteadily on his own two feet. "Sorry, sir, for not responding."

I help him to the bed, one arm around his waist. "You'd do anything to get out of writing reports, wouldn't you?"

He groans loudly.

"Commander, you mustn't make him laugh," the doctor says in a stern tone.

We get to the bed and I help lower him down so he's sitting on the edge. Chakwas grabs a glass of water but he holds a hand up in refusal. Takes a bit for the pain to recede enough so he's able to lie down. I adjust his pillows, take off his boots and then stand up, giving him some space.

"So hot," he mumbles.

"EDI, decrease ambient temperature in the XO quarters by ten degrees," I order quietly. "Each time Major Alenko says he's 'hot' or 'cold', readjust accordingly in two degree increments."

EDI doesn't reply verbally but my omni-tool vibrates and I feel the change in temperature right away.

"You won't be disturbed, Major," Chakwas tells Kaidan. "I'll call in later. In the meantime, I'll be monitoring you from the med bay. If you need anything, just say 'doctor' and EDI will let me know."

"Thanks," he manages, lying dead still with his eyes shut. "John."

I crouch down next to him. "What do you need?"

"Be careful down there."

"I will. Get some rest. Just… try not to think about anything, okay?"

I stand up and head out with the doc. "Remember the one he had like this after Virmire?" I say to her once we're outside. "Brought on by stress, you said. Lasted 30 hours."

"Stress is one possibility on this occasion, but there are several potential triggers. Sometimes it's just bad luck, Shepard. I'll take good care of him." She pats my arm.

"I know you will. I better go."

"I already have a patient so I shan't be pleased if you're injured," she calls after me.

I get in the elevator. "Hangar bay."

No matter what the doc says, I _know_ I helped bring his migraine on. It was too much, too soon, but I had to tell him the truth. Maybe it's not so much what I _did_ but how casual I sounded when I told him about it. I just didn't want to sugar-coat it or sound like I was making excuses.

Hell… what I did was enough. Tough situation to be in—damned if you do, damned if you don't. No one alive who'd sympathise with me, though, so I may as well move on and concentrate on fixing things with Kaidan. When he's better. If this _can_ be fixed.

Maybe I need to start… I dunno. Maybe it's too late for that.

Realise the elevator door's been open for a few seconds and there are some curious faces watching me. Garrus walks up to me as I step out, meeting me halfway. "How's he doing?"

"Comfortable now but he'll be out of action for a while." I check behind Garrus to make sure Tali and Cortez aren't listening. "I told him. You know."

He nods and glances around. "How much?"

"Everything."

"Hm. Guessing he didn't take it too well."

"You saw for yourself."

"Commander, got everything set up for you over here," Cortez calls out.

I nod at him. "Be right there."

Garrus sidles a little closer. "Doesn't mean anything. Kaidan's always had migraines. It's just bad luck, unfortunately for him."

"Yeah, that's what Chakwas said." I'm walking to my foot locker, trying to put Kaidan out of my head and concentrate on the mission.

Doesn't work.

**Rannoch, Tikkun System, Perseus Veil (Tali's POV)**

It's great to be back on the Normandy, even if I'm not officially _on_ the Normandy. But was I ever? I've never been part of the crew but I've spent a good deal of my adult life aboard that ship, and made some trusted friends (apart from the Cerberus people, who I never trusted). Which is why, when it was suggested I change my name back to _vas Neema,_ I refused. The Normandy will always be my home, and Shepard my captain.

And if anyone tells me admirals don't _have_ captains, they can go to hell.

Feels good to be with Shepard and Garrus because they're the only two non-quarians I know who can talk endlessly about tech and never get bored. Oh, Adams as well, but he's up in the sky with his engine.

We've made a stop to catch our breath after engaging the geth and we're comparing omni-tools. Poor Garrus still uses a Bluewire and Shepard seems deflated when I tell him the Savant's nothing but costume jewellery. I show them mine—doesn't have a name but was put together by the flotilla's best techs—and Shepard orders me to give it to him.

I tell him he doesn't get to order admirals around and he pulls a face. Humans are so expressive and I can't help laughing. No wonder they all end up with wrinkles.

I heard Kaidan's lying low with a migraine. Shepard's not exactly a jovial person but he seems unusually quiet, and I wonder if he's worried about him.

"Did you and Kaidan ever get together?" I ask him, and he gives me a funny look. "Well, did you or didn't you? It wasn't exactly a secret about you two making kitten eyes at each other."

"I think you'll find it's 'puppy eyes'," Garrus helpfully points out. "The expression, I mean. Not saying that Alenko and Shepard actually _were_ making puppy eyes at each other." He cups a hand to his face and leans closer to me. "Nope, I'm sure all those longing glances were entirely something else."

"Is there _anyone_ who doesn't know?" Shepard walks ahead and I don't get a straight answer.

The damn geth stop me from asking him again and we're kept busy for a while. Shepard's getting agitated because we need to reach the jamming tower and take it out, but we keep getting delayed.

Finally, we catch a break and we're making good progress. The tower's getting nearer and I'm really having a hard time keeping up with Shepard, but Garrus makes sure I don't fall behind.

"Trip mine!" Shepard calls out and we halt. He points ahead and takes a minute to deactivate it with his omni-tool. "Keep your eyes peeled," he warns before muttering under his breath. "Another goddamn hold-up."

We continue, our pace slowed to a crawl. We don't encounter any more geth but now and again I hear an impatient sigh from Shepard. Then he holds a fist up in the air and we stop. He walks forward, slightly crouched like he's watching something. "Tali! Get over here! Keep to the left!"

I follow the path Shepard used while Garrus deactivates another trip mine to the side.

"Keelah." I find Shepard squatting next to an injured quarian with a massive tear in his suit. He's gasping for breath and I know it won't be long.

"Take it easy," Shepard says, administering medi-gel.

Dorn'Hazt vas Qwib-Qwib doesn't know where the rest of his squad is, or the location of Zaal'Koris. He's like so many others in the Civilian Fleet: ordinary people thrown into a war they didn't want.

A war _I_ don't want.

He passes away peacefully, taking his final place in the home world's skies as Dorn'Hazt vas Rannoch.

Shepard's quiet again as we get underway but my curiosity is too strong not to ask.

"I'm surprised at you, Shepard. I thought you were going to leave him there. He _was_ delaying us, after all."

He turns back to me. "My first thought _was_ to leave him. But sometimes we need to fight against our natures."

He walks off, leaving me and Garrus puzzled by his words.

We finally reach the jamming tower. Shepard's shuttle pilot destroys it and we get an open channel to Zaal'Koris. He's not far away. Predictably, he won't leave his squad behind. Shepard argues with him and tells him to prepare for evac., but something Koris says catches Shepard off-guard.

"You know what it's like to lose a ship, Shepard! You can't expect me to throw away the lives of those who've fought to keep me safe so many times! Even _you_ wouldn't do that! Those people are my family!"

I'm still expecting Shepard to tell Koris to shape up and stop whining, but what he does next shocks me.

He sighs and his omni-tool lights up. "Cortez, I'm transmitting the admiral's NavPoint. Need you to scout ahead, tell us what we're dealing with."

"On it."

I can't see the Kodiak even though we're almost on top of the admiral, so it must be in stealth mode. Not long after, Cortez reports in. "Commander, you've got two concentrated pockets of geth. One group's got the admiral pinned down. Sending you their NavPoint now."

"Got it," Shepard says, tapping his omni-tool. "Here's the last known location of his squad. Need you to run in and pick them up but do _not_ engage the geth. If it's too dangerous, don't land and get outta there. They may be carrying AA ordnance. No heroics. That's an order."

"How about you, sir?"

"We're going in on foot. Expect fireworks."

"Copy all, Commander. Will do what I can. Out."

We're moving again. Just when we think there are no more trip mines, Shepard almost steps on one but leaps out of the way just in time before it detonates. His shields are wrecked, though, so Garrus tells him to drop back.

Thanks to Cortez's directions, we find the first group of geth before they see us. We huddle behind a rock and Shepard whispers to us. "Remember what we did on Haestrom?"

Garrus's face lights up, as much as a turian's face _can_ light up. "It _has_ been a while since we blew some shit up. Kinda miss the smell of roasted geth."

Shepard explains to me what he and Garrus did before they rescued me on Haestrom and it sounds like a damn good plan. We get into position and Shepard instructs Zaal'Koris to stay in cover no matter what happens.

First part of the plan is for Garrus to deploy some of his own mines. Shepard helps with that while I keep an eye on the geth. There's about fifteen of them and they're just standing there, motionless, probably waiting for us to show up. _Very_ creepy.

We retreat to a safe distance and Shepard sets up a flamethrower turret right in the middle of the circle of mines. Then it's my turn. I send two drones ahead to draw the geth into our trap. Damn it. They're fighting the drones but not advancing. Time to try something else. I hack the geth nearest to us and it starts fighting the others.

"Come on, come on," I whisper.

Yes! It's moving this way! The other geth put the hacked one down so I immediately hack another, as well as sending two new drones _behind_ the group to push them forward.

"Nice," Garrus says as they head for us.

We wait until they're as close as is safe then Shepard activates his turret. A couple of geth are caught in the blast but are still functioning.

"Ready, Garrus?" Shepard asks him and they both stand up. A concussive shot from Garrus hits one of the mines and detonates the rest, while at the same time Shepard overloads his own turret. The resulting explosion illuminates the entire valley and we throw ourselves to the ground, covering our heads against the shower of geth parts that rains down on us.

"Commander," Cortez says through Shepard's omni-tool, "you got the other group's attention. They're moving away from the admiral and toward you. Think I can make a run for him if you keep the geth occupied."

Shepard helps me up and checks on Garrus, who's already standing. "Do it. Anything on his squad?"

"Picked up a handful but there weren't many survivors. Got fourteen here. Most are injured and there are some suit ruptures. The able-bodied have given them antibiotics and patched them up 'til we can get them back to the flotilla. They're packed tight in here but I should be able to squeeze the rest of you in."

"Well done, Steve. Grab the admiral and rendezvous back here once we've dealt with the geth."

"Roger that. Good luck, sir."

I see the geth a ways off. "They're coming!"

"They won't fall for _that_ stunt again," Garrus advises us. "Collective mind and all that?"

Shepard pulls out his pistol. "Then we do this the old-fashioned way."

**Captain's Cabin, later that day (Shepard's POV)**

Well, I lost the pull-up challenge and Vega's strutting around the bay wearing an N7 hoodie he can barely get his arms into. Cortez said he looks like an overstuffed couch. I think he's being generous.

Went in there determined to win so I'd have something good to tell Kaidan. Only it didn't work out that way because I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was him and whether he'll approve of what I did on Rannoch.

But I can't run a ship or direct a war making decisions based on what someone else might think. I went against my own nature on Rannoch by asking myself what Kaidan would have done in my place.

The thought that who I am, _what_ I am, might have caused him horrific pain is a sobering one.

We needed the admiral and, as distressing as it is to lose your squad, I was ready to leave them so there was no further delay in acquiring Zaal'Koris. Then Kaidan's face appeared in my head and… I did something different. Think even Tali was surprised.

It was a stupid risk, one with dire consequences if we hadn't pulled it off.

But we did. Huh.

Just got done making my report to Command and I send it off. The QEC's a little temperamental this far out from Alliance space and we couldn't establish a stable link to Hackett.

Makes me think of Anderson. Wonder how he's doing. I think back to the old days and feel kinda nostalgic. Things were so much simpler then. He was always there to fall back on because the buck stopped with him. Any CO could have done that, but Anderson was… well, he was just Anderson. Enough said.

I pick up the framed photo of us all on the Citadel three years ago. Me, him, Ash and Kaidan. Hell, we looked so young, so idealistic. The good guys against the bad guys. Now Ash is gone, Anderson's in God knows what kind of danger and Kaidan's got the job of keeping me on track.

Now the buck stops with me. And the line between the good guys and the bad guys becomes more blurred with each day that passes.

I drink some water and stand up. Time to visit Kaidan. We've been back from Rannoch for a couple of hours but I wanted to leave him to rest. Now Chakwas tells me he's up to visitors but there's a long list of things I can't do. No jokes. No stressful or exciting news. No strong odours (I just showered using unscented soap). He's still sensitive to light but talking's fine so long as I keep it quiet and simple.

I feel nervous as I step in the elevator. I don't _get_ nervous. I get fired up before a mission, sure, and my blood starts pumping when we're engaging hostiles, but it's not the same.

First, I hated seeing Kaidan in pain. We all pick up a few lumps from time to time and I've seen most of my squad in pain but I know it's temporary, something that can be patched up quick with a shot of medi-gel. Kaidan broke his arm back on Noveria when I almost flipped the Mako while dodging an armature's fire. He was so damn stoic, all he did was sweat a bit and grit his teeth until it was fixed.

This isn't something he can grit his teeth against. It's not something he can quantify or control because it's coming from right inside his head. He once told me a migraine feels like someone's driving an ice pick through his eye and that his nostrils are being pulled up over his head with meat hooks. Kaidan doesn't exaggerate about things like that because it would mean he's inviting attention, and he _hates_ attention.

Second, it's too much of a coincidence that on the same day he finds out what I did on Tuchanka, he gets one of the worst migraines he's ever had. That makes me feel… upset. Guilty. My cheeks go hot whenever I think about it. I haven't felt those things for a long time but since Kaidan came aboard… I thought I'd managed to shut off that part of myself, the one that feels empathy and compassion. I also thought that was a good thing, because empathy and compassion get in the way of me doing my job.

But when I saw Kaidan at HQ, when I knew he was alive, something happened even though I refused to admit it at the time. And since then, that _something_ has been like a worm, slowly burrowing its way under my skin.

Just like Kaidan always got under my skin.

When I reach the Mess, the left side's in darkness and a few crew members are eating to the right, talking quietly. Looks like Chakwas thought of everything.

I nod at the people at the tables and slip into the med bay. Chakwas is in her chair and turns toward me.

"How's he doing, Doc?"

"He's responded well to treatment but I've done as much as I can. He still can't abide strong light but his body temperature has stabilised and he can tolerate some noise and movement. I've a feeling the headache will linger for a day or two, but I'm optimistic he'll be fit for light duty in 24 hours or so. I recommend he refrains from combat situations for a while longer, though."

"Got it. I appreciate what you've done for him. Am I okay to see him?"

She checks one of her monitors and nods. "Yes, he's awake. Do try to convince him to eat something, Shepard. He's drinking enough fluids now but he hasn't eaten since this morning and that won't help the headache."

"I will. Thanks again."

"I'll be here if you need anything."

Make my way to the XO quarters and press the entry sensor now that he can tolerate noise. The door opens and it's still pretty dark in there but the light level's been raised by maybe 10% so I can see faint outlines of things. He's lying on his back in the bed, propped up on some pillows.

"Hey, Shepard," he says, sounding lethargic.

"Hey, Kaidan. Mind if I sit down?" I point to the edge of his bed, as there's no chair.

"Go right ahead."

"Thanks." I make myself comfortable and pass him one of the energy bars that's been left on the side. "Doc told me you need to eat."

"Oh, not you as well. Those are nasty as hell. Even you don't eat them."

"I'll eat one if you do."

He lets out what sounds like a whine and I can't help smiling as I pass it to him. "You're looking a lot better. I'm glad."

"Thanks. Feel better, too, just… like I got charged by a krogan." He gives me an anxious look. "Sorry. Didn't mean—"

"You have _nothing_ to be sorry for."

He sighs, unwraps the energy bar and takes a bite before pointing at _my_ energy bar. We spend a miserable couple of minutes forcing them down.

"Heard you rescued the admiral and some of his crew," he says, swallowing his last bite. "Nice going."

"How'd you know about that?"

"Vega came to check on me earlier. Said you blew up 50 geth. Couldn't contain his excitement. Wish I could have been there. Sounded pretty cool."

"He's exaggerating, but yeah, it was kinda cool. Wish you could have been there, too. You'll get your chance another time."

We share a moment's silence and he pushes himself up a bit. "I've been thinking."

"Kaidan, let's not discuss anything heavy right now. You need to rest and not worry about anything. I know it's easier said than done, but try. Please."

"But I _want_ to talk. Talking means I'm not thinking. It helps, honestly. I'd rather sit here and talk than sit here and drive myself crazy."

"All right, but…" I swivel around a little so I'm directly facing him. "I don't want to make you feel any worse."

"You're thinking you caused this, aren't you?" he asks. I watch him, not sure what to say. "I was getting some signs last night, Shepard. It was gonna happen, no matter what. Thought I could ride it out by taking my meds, but I didn't know how bad it'd be."

"I'm sure what I told you didn't help," I reply, "but I don't want to make this conversation about me. Tell me what you've been thinking about."

He clasps his hands together in his lap and takes a bit to speak. "Got thinking about Horizon. Yeah, I know. Again."

I hold in a sigh. "I thought we squared all that."

"We did, and I know we're good about it now. It's just… ah, it doesn't matter. It's stupid."

I reach out to touch his arm but draw my hand back at the last second. "It's not stupid if it's bothering you. Come on, lay it on me."

He closes his eyes for a few seconds and then opens them, looking at me. "I've just been wondering what would have happened if I'd gone with you."

"It's pointless, Kaidan. You stayed loyal to the Alliance. We're done with this."

"Yeah, I know. It's just if we'd been together during the Collector mission, and I mean _together,_ would anything have changed? Do you think you might have been less… I dunno."

"Less what?"

"I don't even know what the word is," he admits with a slight frown. "I'm not trying to flatter myself here, but I think a lot of that anger and frustration you talked about? When you told me about the Illusive Man?"

I nod.

"I'm thinking a lot of that came from what happened on Horizon. Now that I know how you feel about me, and that you also felt that way on Horizon, I recognise how badly I hurt you with that decision."

I edge a little closer to him. "I hurt you, too. Did _you_ feel that way on Horizon?"

He gives a little laugh. "Yeah, John. I felt that way since our days on the SR-1."

Our eyes meet. "Then you grieved for me."

He looks down at his hands.

"I'm so sorry," I say in a hushed tone. I want to touch him so badly but I'm not sure how he'll take it if I do. "But if you think any of the decisions I've made are your fault somehow, you're wrong."

"I dunno. Maybe I'm not, John. I mean if I'd been there with you, either as your XO or as… as something more, maybe I would have been able to… to keep you in line."

Now he's got _me_ wondering. Would I have been a different person if he and I had gotten together sooner? But if I _had_ been a different person, would we have defeated the Collectors?

"Miranda Lawson was my XO during the Collector campaign and she was a good one. But she didn't care for me, and she sure as shit didn't worry about my wellbeing." Kaidan gives me a faint smile and I return it. "I missed you like hell during that time but every decision I made was my own. We can't change what happened in the past. Everything happens for a reason. Let's concentrate on now, and the future."

"All right," he agrees with a soft sigh.

"Now talk to me about what's really bothering you," I say to him. "I need to know if there's any way we can get past this. If there's any way you could… not hate me for what I've done."

"John, I don't hate you. But I hate what you did."

I nod and let him finish.

"At first I couldn't get my head around it, how you could just… kill one of your friends and betray another. But I can see now that you couldn't let the salarians slip through your fingers. You, alone, have been put in charge of this thing and the brass are expecting results. What I'm trying to say is, I _understand_ why you did it. That doesn't mean I _condone_ it."

"I never expected you to, Kaidan," I begin, but he holds a hand up.

"I just need to know… I mean I'm basing this on the person you _claim_ you used to be, because I'm not convinced you've changed that much. The man I remember _was_ capable of what you did, but I know he would have suffered for it. Inside. Can you look me in the eye and tell me you truly believe you did the right thing?"

I look away from him, feeling exposed, the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. "I did what I had to."

"That's not the same thing at all."

"No, it's not. But we can't defeat the Reapers by doing the right thing. I wish we could."

"But who says we can't? Is it that you've lost sight of what the right thing is? Or is it easier _not_ to do the right thing? There's always another way, John."

I know Kaidan's doing his job as XO here, and I know he's also saying this for my own good. But talk about hitting a raw nerve. I turn back to him and I can't help the tremor in my voice when I answer.

"You think I enjoyed killing Mordin? You think I haven't played it over and over in my head? If I could have convinced him, I would have, but…" I pause, taking a calming breath. I _don't_ want to draw Kaidan into an argument.

He notices I'm getting worked up and softens his voice. "I don't think you enjoyed it. That's not what I'm saying here. I saw your reaction at the memorial wall and now it all makes sense. But I'm not just talking about Mordin. Have you even thought about what'll happen if Wrex finds out? I know you're working on something with Padok Wiks, but that's not gonna fly with Wrex. Didn't he have a contact at STG?"

"He did. It was Mordin."

Kaidan sighs and I sense he's holding himself back. I look at him. "I know what you're trying to say. Wrex has lots of contacts and yeah, he _might_ find out."

"And what then? Will he even give you the chance to lie to him again? Because that's what you'll have to do." Kaidan's voice is steady and there's no accusation there. I can't argue with what he's saying but I don't have an answer.

"What do you want me to do, Kaidan?" I ask, careful that my own voice stays calm. "What's done is done. What's the point of analysing all this? Whether I wish I could have done things differently or not, I didn't. I can't change anything."

"Can't you? No, you can't bring Mordin back. But there are things that can still be fixed. You're always telling me I can't control everything, that sometimes I should just let things happen. Maybe you need to take your own advice."

He touches his forehead and I look at him in concern. "You okay?"

"Mm. Just a sec… it's okay. Getting a few twinges, nothing serious."

"Want me to call Chakwas?"

"No. It's my damn implant fighting the meds. It's actually a good sign, means I'm coming through it. Meds are winning."

I sit back and exhale. "Okay. Good."

He keeps his eyes closed for a little while before slowly opening them. "Listen," he says, touching my hand, "you could have left the admiral's crew behind on Rannoch but you didn't. There's _always_ another way and you found it this time."

I look at his hand and wrap my fingers around it, warmth spreading through my chest that he still wants to touch me. "I want you to know that I've listened to what you said," I reply. "Your opinion's always meant a lot to me."

"I'm not telling you what to do," he resumes. "I can't. Only _you_ can make these decisions. But I need you to come out of this war alive and able to sleep at night. I need us _both_ to be able to sleep at night."

My omni-tool vibrates and I almost curse aloud. "Sorry. I need to take this."

"I'm not going anywhere." He gives a pained smile as I stand up.

"Be right back." I leave the XO quarters and respond to the message. Legion appears on a small screen above my omni-tool.

"Shepard-Commander, we have acquired the location of a geth server co-ordinating fighter squadron attacks on creator liveships."

"The liveships? Where is this server?"

"In this system. We do not anticipate hostile incursions from heretic platforms at this location. We have provided Normandy's pilot with the NavPoint."

"Just so you know," Joker breaks in, "I take orders from Shepard, but thanks for the info."

"Take us there, Joker. We can't lose the liveships. Tali, EDI, to the hangar bay."

I quickly step back into the XO quarters but Kaidan's way ahead of me.

"I know, you've gotta go," he says. "Just take care down there. And, if you get a minute, think about what I said. That's all I ask."

"I will." I walk up to the bed, grab something off the side table and push it into his hand. Place a light kiss on his forehead and head for the door.

I turn back before stepping out and he's frowning at the energy bar in his hand. I don't leave until he unwraps it and takes a bite.

When the door closes, he's smiling and so am I.


	12. Seeing the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: In case anyone noticed, there was a mistake in chapter 11. I originally had Liara and James accompanying Shepard to Rannoch despite the fact Shepard had placed James in temporary command in the CIC. So I've changed that and now EDI and Tali are on Rannoch with Shepard, while James is in command of the Normandy.
> 
> Another huge thank you to Carrie for her eagle eyes and encouragement, and thanks again to all who are reading, especially those who leave comments! :)

**Citadel, Presidium level, 2183 (Kaidan's POV)**

I've found a nice little spot here. It's quiet, but I can still see what's going on. Just wanted to take a few minutes before we head back.

In the past hour alone, Shepard was made first human Spectre _and_ given command of the Normandy. He went back upstairs to talk with Captain Anderson. I mean it's not like he can't handle commanding the Normandy, it's just… well, Anderson being kicked off like that knocked us all for six, Shepard most of all.

He eventually finds me. As he's now my CO I salute, but he waves a hand in dismissal and joins me on the balcony, where he looks out over the huge… pool? Pond? Not sure what I'd call it, but there's a lot of crystal clear water surrounded by lush green trees. Only things missing are birdsong and a breeze, but it's still pretty nice.

"Sir, I was just—"

"At ease, Lieutenant. It's not against regs to take a break. And if it is, they can court-martial my ass, too."

I give a little laugh and we both lean against the railing, watching the world go by. It's several minutes before either of us speaks.

"Beautiful here," he says with a wistful sigh. "Peaceful."

"Yeah." I glance at him for a sec. This man just got a huge weight dumped on his shoulders and I guess he's still processing all that. "You okay, Commander?" I ask.

"Fine." He sighs again and turns toward me. "No… I'm not fine. Wasn't expecting this, with the captain, I mean. Doesn't feel right."

"I know. None of us were expecting it. How's he doing?"

His eyes are fixed on some point in the distance. "He's putting on a brave face." Then he stands up straight, as though snapped out of a dream. "Well, I can't stand around here all day. Got a ship to command, I guess."

I start to follow him but he shakes his head. "Stay here for a bit, enjoy the quiet while you can. I'll call everyone when we're ready to head out."

"Ah, I can't relax here anyway."

"Why not?"

I hesitate for a moment, wondering if he'll think I'm crazy. "It's just… you see all those people?" I point at the bridge leading to the financial district, which is heaving with people from all different races.

"I see 'em."

"Well, they're rushing around, either looking down, or at their datapads, or talking with someone through their earpiece. Nobody's talking with each other. Nobody's looking up."

He comes closer and leans against the railing again, looking puzzled. "That bothers you?"

"Yeah, I mean look how peaceful this place is. Think of all the work they must have put into it. I just… I wish _one_ of them would stop and appreciate it." I turn to him and find that he's smiling. "I know it shouldn't bother me. Not even sure why it does."

"You shouldn't worry so much about what other people are doing," he says, looking out across the water. "If _they_ don't appreciate it, then keep it for yourself."

I laugh because that's not the kind of thing I'd expect him to say. "What, just keep the Presidium? I know you're a Spectre now and could probably make it happen, but I don't think it'll fit in my foot locker, Commander."

He keeps smiling and taps one of his temples. "No, keep it up here. Someplace private for you to retreat to. No one's invited but you."

"I like the sound of that." I start to relax again. Been lucky enough to have a few talks with Shepard on the Normandy and he always makes me feel better. He's got a side to him that's nothing like his combat persona. Kind of thoughtful. I like it. "Do _you_ have a place like this, Commander? Where you can retreat to?"

He shakes his head. "Not yet, but I get the feeling I'll be needing one soon."

"Then how about we share?"

"Share the Presidium?"

"Sure, why not?"

He looks at me and… God, he's handsome. Not the first time I've noticed that, but this time we're standing close and there's no one else around. His eyes are so damn… penetrating. I get a little flutter in my belly. Okay. A _big_ one.

He holds out his hand, which I shake. "You've got yourself a deal, Lieutenant."

Then he gives me a bone-melting smile and walks away.

And that's it.

I'm hooked.

**XO quarters, present day (Kaidan's POV)**

I'm getting kinda restless cooped up in here like this. Headache's still lingering and I'm exhausted, but at least now I can turn the lights on without feeling like shards of glass are being pushed into my skull.

Managed to shower and pull on some clean clothes. I even straightened out my bed, although I could feel pressure building in my head when I bent over a couple of times, so I won't be doing that again in a hurry. I'm seated at my desk but don't want to risk firing up the laptop. So I'm pretty bored.

I look at the clock. John's been gone a long time. Probably giving the admirals another piece of his mind if I know him. Wonder how long we'll be stuck out here, solving the quarians' problems. I mean it's great to see Tali again and even better to be helping her, but John's gotta be getting impatient. This isn't what he was reinstated for.

Don't know what he's been up to because anytime I ask someone what he's doing, they change the subject. I know this is his way of protecting me while I'm laid up, but what he doesn't realise (or maybe he does, but figures this is the better alternative) is that _not_ knowing is sometimes worse.

Maybe I should ask EDI. God knows she's chatty.

"EDI? Is Commander Shepard on board?"

"No, he is not, Major. He's currently on assignment on Rannoch."

"Any details on that assignment?"

"I have been informed by Jeff and Shepard that on occasion I'm afflicted by the non-existent syndrome of 'verbal diarrhoea'. In other words, I can be excessively verbose. As a result of this, in response to all subsequent requests for information, I'm offering either a detailed or succinct answer. Which would you prefer?"

"I think 'succinct' would be good on this occasion. Although it has to be said that your explanation was somewhat, ah, wordy."

"Thank you for your analysis. I will continue to work on my responses. To answer your original query, Shepard was integrated into the geth collective consciousness and is now en-route to the southern continent of Rannoch. ETA seven minutes."

I think about that for a second but I don't quite get what she's saying. "I'm sorry, what?"

"To answer your original query, Shepard was—"

"No no, I _heard_ you, EDI. Geth collective consciousness? What the hell does that mean?"

"Shepard physically interacted with the geth server which was controlling Reaper-enhanced fighter squadrons, and successfully shut it down, ensuring the security of the quarian liveships. This was achieved using similar methods to the now-defunct Project Overlord."

"Project Overlord?" Okay, now I'm on my feet. "I read about that. Wasn't some kid practically turned into a geth?"

"That is an over-simplification. I have detailed mission logs which I would be pleased to upload to your omni-tool."

"No. Just tell me he's okay. Please." I'm agitated and my stomach's doing somersaults. What kind of crazy stunt is he trying to pull this time? And why? Why would _anyone_ put themselves inside the mind of a geth?

"Are you referring to Shepard or David Archer, the subject of Project Overlord?"

"Shepard! Who else?"

"Scans indicate that he's functioning normally."

I cover my eyes with one hand. "Okay, listen. The word 'functioning' is usually applied to machines, _not_ people, EDI. Is. He. Okay?"

"I apologise if I've used incorrect terminology. Shepard's bio-scan readings are normal for an organic. And for him."

I blow out a breath and rub my temples. Damn headache's still there and this hasn't helped. "What's on the southern continent?"

"The Reaper base controlling the geth is located there. Shepard's intention is to destroy it. To quote him: 'We'll blow it all to hell'."

"Can't we just destroy it from orbit?"

"No. Geth jamming technology is preventing conventional orbital bombardment, as a precise lock cannot be achieved. Shepard will utilise a prototype targeting laser to enable the Normandy to make a precision shot."

"All right." _Now_ I'm wondering how he'll get out of there in time if he's planning on blowing the place sky high. "Who's with him?"

"He's accompanied by Admiral Tali'Zorah, Legion and my platform. Lieutenant Cortez is also present, but he will not be engaging hostiles once we've landed."

"Legion? You think it can be trusted?" I realise I'm asking one machine whether another machine's likely to malfunction and go on a killing spree, but there's no one else around.

"I do. Legion is unlike others of its kind. It rejected the geth who'd allied themselves with the Reapers—known as the heretics—and supported Shepard's decision to destroy them on Heretic Station in 2185."

"Do you have mission logs for that?"

"I have extensive files. Should I upload them?"

"Yes, please." My omni-tool lights up and I confirm the upload. "Thanks. I'll take a look at these now."

"Is there anything else I can assist with, Major?"

"No, I'm good. Um… sorry for… you know. Being cranky. I was concerned."

"I understand. No apology is necessary."

"EDI?"

"Yes, Major?"

"Just…" I sigh and sit down at my desk. "Just keep him safe, okay? And don't tell him I said that."

"I will do my best. EDI out."

**Kodiak, en-route to Reaper base (Cortez's POV)**

I could write a book about the things I hear while piloting the Kodiak, but of course, I wouldn't. Makes me realise what a privileged position I'm in, though. Here, in my humble little shuttle, I've got the first human Spectre, an admiral of the flotilla and one of her mortal enemies, plus a self-aware AI in a sexy (so I assume) robot body, who're all holding a debate. And it's not a debate about who's better at poker, or whether dextro cheese is nicer than regular cheese.

It's about the geth's rights as a species or, depending on your point of view, whether they _have_ rights or can even be _classed_ as a species. Usually I tune out a lot of the chatter in the Kodiak but I think I'll listen in on this one. Could be history in the making.

"Tali," Shepard says from out back, where they're all standing, "I saw evidence that the geth tried to surrender peacefully during the Morning War, but your people wouldn't accept that. They wanted the geth destroyed, no questions asked. They were illegal AIs and had no recourse. That's just not right."

I hear a sigh from Admiral Zorah (or Tali as she insists I call her). She and Shepard have been arguing for the past few minutes but, as they're friends, there haven't been any raised voices. They're both trying to be respectful toward each other but they've also both got strong feelings on the subject.

"So you spent some time in the server of hostile geth who've been upgraded with Reaper code," she retorts, "and now you think you know everything? How do you know the 'evidence' you saw was accurate? It could have been fabricated to sway your opinion!"

"Creator Zorah," Legion says, "the archived footage Shepard-Commander accessed was not intended to be viewed by organics. Its discovery was incidental. No purpose would be served by creating and storing inaccurate data."

"Tell Tali why the geth stored it," Shepard says to Legion.

"We were aided by a small number of creators who wished the geth to live. We preserved salient footage in a number of servers so their sacrifices would be recorded. We have not forgotten them."

"I… know about the rebels," Tali says quietly. "Every quarian child learns about them from their parents or tutors. They were vilified as traitors and most of them were killed in action or executed. The few who survived were exiled without a trial."

"If I may make an observation," EDI interjects, "you do not appear to share in your people's condemnation of the rebels."

"I don't know _what_ to think anymore. The Geth War resulted in the loss of billions of quarians and destroyed our infrastructure and economy. We've never recovered from that. No matter what started the war, I can't forget what the geth did to my people."

"Tali," Shepard says. "I understand that the quarians have paid for the war and then some. But the geth _didn't_ initiate hostilities. They were created as cheap labour and a military force. It was the quarians who programmed them with the ability to defend themselves and that's exactly what they're doing now. They were forced to turn to the Reapers because the quarians have aggressively pursued them for so long. Any other race with self-preservation instincts would have done exactly the same thing."

"No they wouldn't, Shepard! I wouldn't turn to the Reapers and neither would you!"

"Organics utilise armour, weapons and tech to enable more efficient operating parameters," Legion counters. "We used what was available to us. The Old Machines extended an offer. We accepted for the reason Shepard-Commander stated: to preserve our race."

Shepard taps Tali's arm. "I know it must seem like the three of us are ganging up on you, but you can't deny the truth. I _saw_ that truth inside the geth server. More and more of your people are going to die for a war that _doesn't_ need to be fought."

They all go quiet. Over my shoulder I see Tali take a seat. Shepard sits next to her while EDI and Legion stay standing.

"I know you're right," Tali admits, "but I don't know what the solution is. I don't want any more of my people to die." She looks up at Legion. "I don't want _anyone_ else to die."

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," I say, "but I've got the Reaper base on viewer."

Shepard stands up and enters the cockpit, leaning against the back of my chair. "What've we got?"

"Scans indicate a sizeable geth presence, but they're scattered. Not seeing any large concentrations anywhere."

"Good. That'll work to our advantage." He slaps my shoulder. "Set her down then get outta here."

"Yes, Commander."

He sits next to Tali again. "Now you're an admiral, you think you could appeal to Han'Gerrel's better nature?" he asks her.

"I don't know if he even has one," she says with a sigh. "You have to understand that he's fought the geth his whole life. He's as determined to end them as you are the Reapers."

"Yeah, I can understand that. But if someone showed me evidence that a peaceful solution existed, one that would end hostilities with the Reapers, then I'd at least consider it."

"But you've only been fighting the Reapers for three years. You've suffered losses, yes, but you haven't seen countless ships, entire _worlds_ destroyed. Han'Gerrel _has_. This is personal for him now."

"But wouldn't he want to see an end to all that? Think about it—you could take back Rannoch without one more quarian dying for it."

"I know, but I'm the newest admiral and he's been in command for as long as I can remember. Besides, you know how the quarian admiralty works. Those fleets are his alone to command. They won't listen to me."

"Try," Shepard prompts. "I'll hold his feet to the fire if need be."

She laughs. "I know you will. You don't even _need_ a reason to do that. I'll do what I can, Shepard. Maybe I can get Zaal'Koris on side. He doesn't want this war any more than I do."

"Sounds like a plan."

"Approaching LZ, Commander."

Tali and Shepard stand up. "Listen up, people," Shepard says. "These geth are upgraded so are stronger, quicker and more resilient than the ones we faced before. Stick to cover and play the long game. Concentrate on whittling down their shields then move in hard and fast. We might all have different feelings about this but right now we're a squad. Watch each other's backs and we'll come through this together. Any questions?"

There aren't any. I land them as close to the base as I can and watch them get to cover while I take off.

**Normandy, CIC, later that day (James's POV)**

"What the hell's goin' on down there, Joker?"

"You're not gonna believe this, James, but the Reaper _base_ they were supposed to destroy? Turns out it's an actual Reaper."

"Holy crap!" I glance sideways at Traynor, who's pretending she didn't hear that. Okay. I'm in charge here. Need to think like Shepard does. "EDI? What's your status ground side?"

I can barely hear her over the gunfire and engine noise. "We're retreating to a safe distance in a geth vessel! Shepard is operating the turret but it is having little effect!"

"James," Joker breaks in, "the Heavy Fleet just started firing on it."

"Did they get it?" I ask, but I know I'm being optimistic.

"No, they knocked it sideways, but it's coming round."

"Lieutenant," Traynor says, "The commander's vessel has just come to a stop."

I tap my earpiece. "Esteban, standby. Might need you to make a run and pick 'em up but I gotta see what the situation is first. Don't wanna risk you unless there's no choice."

"Ready and awaiting your order, James."

"Thanks, man. EDI? Commander? You need an evac.?"

"Negative, James!" Shepard yells above the noise. "EDI, I want the targeting laser synced up to the whole damn fleet! Heavy Fleet, Civilian Fleet, standby!"

"He's going after it?" Joker exclaims from the cockpit.

Mother of God. I can hear that Reaper bastard in the background, like a foghorn but a hundred times louder. Kinda noise that rattles your bones and makes your brain hurt. Just like on Tuchanka. I'll never forget that sound as long as I live.

"Incoming communication from the Neema," Traynor reports.

"Put it through."

"This is Admiral Han'Gerrel of the Heavy Fleet. Who am I speaking to?"

"Lieutenant James Vega, sir, in command of the Normandy."

"Lieutenant, the Heavy Fleet is mobilised and ready. Don't wait for the Civilian Fleet, they're not as equipped as we are. Let's get this over with and then we can return to what we're supposed to be doing. While we're wasting time here, the geth are regrouping."

I hear the elevator door open behind me and quickly look around. Major Alenko just stepped out but he holds his hands up and shakes his head. I turn back to the console. "Admiral, I'm more concerned with the safety of our ground team. We'll be waiting for the Civilian Fleet if it's all the same to you."

"Don't be naïve! A few people on the ground won't make any difference! Once Shepard's targeted the Reaper his job is done! Proceed, Lieutenant!"

Is this guy for real? "With all due _respect_ , Admiral, I take my orders from Shepard. We're _waiting_ for the Civilian Fleet."

"My authority supersedes that of Shepard! Tell him we're ready now!"

"Joker? Lose this channel."

"You got it. Channel lost."

"Traynor," I say, "get a hold of Admiral Koris. We need to know what his status is."

"I've got him now. Estimates a maximum of thirty seconds until his fleet's fully mobilised."

"Got it." I touch my earpiece. "Shepard? Heavy Fleet's ready but we're waiting on the Civilian Fleet. Thirty seconds tops. Just see if you can… I dunno, stall the Reaper? But, you know, target it when you need to. Don't get risking yourself."

'Don't get risking yourself'? He's soloing a freakin' _Reaper_ and that's the most inspiring thing I can say?

"Understood, Lieutenant."

I loose a breath and turn around to Major Alenko, giving a salute. "Major, sir. I stand relieved."

He steps beside me and looks at my readout. "I'm not here to relieve you, James. Just wanted to know what's going on. EDI told me the ground team encountered a Reaper?"

"Yes, sir, they did. We're workin' on syncing the targeting laser to the quarian fleets."

"But who's operating the targeting laser?" The major's got pale skin anyhow, and he doesn't look too healthy as it is, but I swear he just got even paler. "Oh my… don't tell me…"

"Lieutenant, Civilian Fleet ready," Traynor announces.

I touch my earpiece and I hear that damn Reaper again, even louder than before. "Commander, if you can hear me, the quarians are ready!"

"Copy that!"

"Quarian fleets," I say, "targeting is online. Shepard's risking his ass down there for you guys so make sure to do _your_ part. Don't you get missing that thing."

"Zaal'Koris here. We won't let Shepard down."

Major Alenko moves next to my console. "James, I'm here if you need me but this is your show."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

Now all we can do is wait. I step next to Traynor, who's got real-time combat stats coming in off of Shepard's suit computer. Whoa. His heart rate's 188… 176… 191... That's damn high. Must be busting his ass down there.

Seconds feel like minutes. Don't know which is worse—us waiting up here or him down there, on his own, tryin' to latch onto a hair's width of a target.

"Target acquired," EDI announces. "Firing. Direct hit."

Kinda weird to hear it said so clinically. Shepard's running rings around a _Reaper_ , dodging its beams and that _noise_ , so fucking loud, and EDI's so damn calm about it! I know she's an AI and all, but come on!

Major Alenko looks at me, like he's got no blood in his face at all, and I know he feels the same way.

"Did that do it?" I ask but the Reaper's still on Traynor's monitor.

"I'm afraid not," she answers, looking glum.

I see Major Alenko pacing to my side, one hand shading his eyes. He's squinting.

"Target acquired. Firing. Direct hit."

I look at Traynor's readout. The image of the Reaper flickers but it's still there! Damn, how long's this gonna take? The CIC's quieter than I ever known it. Everyone's looking this way. I look up and shake my head. They turn back to their own monitors, their postures slumping.

I step away from Traynor and walk up to Major Alenko. "Sir?" I ask quietly. "You feeling okay?" He's real pale and sweating at the temples. He shouldn't be here. He told me I'm in command and I _could_ order him to the med bay, but hell, if I was him I'd tell me to stick it up my ass.

"I'll be fine. Pretend I'm not here. I'm not going anywhere 'til I know they're safe."

He sways a little and grabs a hold of the console's edge, screwing his eyes shut.

"I get that, sir, but if you're plannin' on sticking around I'm gonna need you to go sit with Joker. You look like you're fixin' to drop. Respectfully, sir, I need you to do that now."

He opens his eyes, still squinting, and gives me a pained smile. "Yes, Lieutenant."

"Rafaela, go with him."

One of the CIC staff walks with him and just when he's taking his seat next to Joker, EDI announces another hit, but not a direct one. No effect. What the hell are they doing?

I open the comm. to the quarian fleets. "Hey! We got a targeting laser down there! How about you use it?"

"Watch your tone, Lieutenant!" Han'Gerrel barks. "We can only fire where Shepard points! He's the one who misfired, not us!"

The comm. link to the Neema cuts out. Well that told _me._ But I ain't apologising to that cocky SOB. "That the guy Shepard threatened to kill in the war room?" I ask aloud.

"That's the one," answers the major from the cockpit. "Nearly needed to change his suit."

Tryin' to stay professional here but now I got this mental image of a quarian admiral shitting in his suit and not being able to change it right away 'cause of diseases and all that. Guess his own crap's got his own germs, so it's safe? Like those whacked out people who drink their own piss?

And how _do_ quarians take a dump anyway?

"Target acquired," EDI says, and I'm snapped back to reality, my heartbeat loud in my ears.

"Come on, Shepard," I say under my breath. "Nail that son of a bitch."

"Firing… direct hit."

"Lieutenant!" Traynor calls, and I rush to her side. "I think… I think he's got it!"

We watch the image of the Reaper fade and die. "Is that it? Is it gone?"

"The Reaper is defeated," EDI confirms.

"All _right!"_ Joker hollers from the cockpit and I see him reach over to jostle Major Alenko. Everyone in the CIC's cheering or shaking hands with their neighbour. I feel like we just won a goddamn war.

As for me and Traynor… I sweep her up and plant a big smacker on her cheek! Hold her with one arm and punch the air with the other while she whoops in my ear! "Yeah! Way to go, Shepard! Our CO is one bee-ay-em-eff!"

Then the elevator door opens again and out steps Javik, hands behind his back like he owns the joint, his expression like someone just let one go.

Whole place goes quiet.

"The Reaper…"

"Deader than the slice of cow I ate earlier, my friend," I answer, setting Traynor down, "and I have my steak _well done_. Just like the Reaper."

He crosses his arms. "I am not your friend. But this is good news."

I walk up to him, throw an arm around his shoulders and pull him close. He's wrigglin', but it's a wriggle of _victory._ "You are today, amigo. Today, _everyone's_ my friend."

"All members of the ground team are alive and well," says Traynor, reading from her monitor. "No major injuries reported."

"Hey, Vega!" Joker calls, "how 'bout that email Shepard got from Hackett earlier?"

"Hell, yeah! Shore leave! We got a celebration to arrange! You in, Javik? Major? Traynor, you're my date! I'm gettin' in there first! I know I ain't your type, but you'll look sweet on my arm!"

"Celebration?" the major says with a groan. "Think I need a nap first."

I release the prothean and head on up to the cockpit. "Come on, Major. I'll take you back to your quarters."

"I can manage," he says groggily, hauling himself up. "Your place is on the bridge." He holds a hand out and I shake it. "You handled yourself well, Lieutenant. Might wanna tone down the enthusiasm and cursing if the brass is ever on board, but you did a good job. Get your report to Command before planning any parties. I want in when you do, though."

"You got it, sir," I say, feeling my cheeks burn. Don't think I've ever been so damn proud. "I'll walk you to the elevator."

We make our way back and goddamnit if Javik isn't smiling too.

**Rannoch, ground side (EDI's POV)**

"Legion, begin the upload."

I am pleased that Shepard has not dismissed the geths' validity as a life form, his experiences in the geth consensus undoubtedly a deciding factor. Although I am certain his decision to allow the geth to upload Reaper code stems from a tactical standpoint and not a sentimental one, he would not allow a race he deems dangerous the chance of existence or growth.

Tali'Zorah, naturally, does not share this view.

"Shepard." She touches his arm, a plaintive note in her voice. "I beg you. _Don't_ do this."

"Uploading… ten percent."

"Continue the upload. Tali, see if you can get the admirals to call off the attack."

She sighs but complies, touching her earpiece. "All fleets, this is Admiral Tali'Zorah. Cease fire immediately."

"Belay that order!" Han'Gerrel responds. "Continue the attack!"

"Twenty percent."

"Listen to me!" Shepard exclaims. "The geth are about to return to full strength. If you keep attacking they'll wipe you out!"

"Then stop the upload! I'll hold _you_ personally responsible for any losses sustained among my people, Shepard! I'll have you tried and convicted as a war criminal! You're aiding our enemy with Reaper technology!"

"The geth are defending themselves! The quarians created them and panicked when they showed signs of sentience! If anyone's a war criminal, it's people like you! Your people created a slave race and you try to destroy them every chance you get because they wanted to be more than that!"

"Thirty percent."

"You're wrong, Shepard! This will be the greatest victory my people have ever achieved! Heavy Fleet, commence long-range bombardment!"

"Damn it, Gerrel! This isn't about you and your bloated ego! This is about the future of your people! Pull your head out of your ass for a second and take a look at what's really going on! _When_ in the history of your people have the geth waged open warfare upon you? Why'd you think they retreated to the Veil for the past few centuries? They _don't_ want to fight you!"

" _You're_ the one who can't see what's going on! You're wasting your time!"

"Forty percent."

Shepard stares ahead without blinking for approximately eight seconds before touching his earpiece. "Lieutenant Moreau? Is the Neema in weapons range of the Normandy?"

I note that Shepard addressed Jeff using his rank and not his nickname. I am uncertain of the significance of this action but Jeff does not question it.

"Yes, sir, she is."

"Shepard?" Tali asks fearfully. "What are you doing?"

"EDI? Given that the Normandy is _stealthed,_ how long before the Neema ascertains her position after weapons discharge?"

"That depends on several factors, but I would predict a minimum of 6.4 seconds before the Neema is able to pinpoint the Normandy's location."

"Just enough time to rip a hole through the Neema's hull."

"Correct. Also, it is highly likely that the Normandy will have altered its course by that time."

"He's bluffing!" Gerrel urges. "Shepard won't open fire on us because we're too valuable to him!"

"It's the quarian fleet I want and you're about to stop that from happening," says Shepard. "I can't allow that. The Neema? It's one ship, which is an _acceptable loss._ You're military, Gerrel—you understand. Your own words. Joker?"

"Thanix cannon online and ready to fire on your word, Commander. The Neema won't stand a chance."

"You can't _do_ that!" Gerrel interjects.

"I'm a Spectre. I can do whatever the hell I want. _Stand down_ or face the consequences."

"Fifty percent."

"And I'm admiral of the Heavy Fleet! Your status as a Spectre is meaningless!"

"Shepard," I say, "I'm fielding comm. chatter from several hundred quarian captains. Some support Gerrel, while others are questioning his judgement. A small but growing minority have openly defied his orders."

"This is your last chance," Shepard warns, his voice cold and implacable. "Stand down _now."_

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah! Shepard speaks with my authority!"

"And mine!" adds Zaal'Koris. "I'm withdrawing the Civilian Fleet! I won't lose one more person for your vanity, Han'Gerrel!"

There is a pause. I have heard organics refer to the phenomena of time 'standing still'. Although this is impossible, and my internal chronometer does not deviate from its pre-ordained subroutine, I must admit to experiencing a certain anticipation of what is to follow.

"Sixty percent."

"You know what?" Shepard says, "I don't even care anymore. Joker, blow the Neema out of the sky. Without the Civilian Fleet they're dead anyway."

"Wait!"

Shepard and Tali exchange a glance.

"Heavy Fleet, all ships, cease fire."

Tali's posture slumps and she covers her mask with her hands. Shepard appears to exhale and looks up at the skies over Rannoch. The channel to the Neema is cut.

"Shepard-Commander," Legion says. Shepard turns and approaches him. "Upload error. Coding insufficient. Direct dissemination of this unit's 1183 run times is necessary."

"What does that mean?"

"As Legion was the original conduit of the Reaper code," I explain, "his consciousness is required to complete the upload."

Shepard's face slackens. "Wait a minute. There's got to be some way around this. EDI?"

I begin to speak but Legion precedes me. "I'm sorry, Shepard-Commander. It's… the only way."

Shepard looks at me, diminishing hope in his eyes. "I concur," I reply. "There is no alternative."

Tali joins us. I have observed that, when nervous or hesitant, she wrings her hands together and she is doing so now.

"Legion, I'm… sorry. It was good to know you."

"Likewise, Creator Zorah. Keelah se'lai."

"Keelah se'lai," she whispers in response.

Shepard offers his hand to Legion, who shakes it. "Will you be able to adopt another platform?" he asks Legion.

"Negative. I will integrate with the Collective, but I will not be as I was."

"Then… this isn't goodbye. You'll still exist in some form?"

"Your analysis is an astute one." He watches Shepard for a moment. "Thank you for believing in us."

Shepard gives a single nod and releases Legion's hand, stepping back. A few seconds pass by before Legion's body falls to the ground.

The three of us stand over him, observing a respectful silence, for a short time until Admiral Shala'Raan approaches us. Tali speaks with her and I turn to Shepard.

"I am curious," I begin. "Was your decision to defend the geth based solely on their usefulness as a war asset?"

He takes several seconds to consider his answer. "That was part of it. But sometimes you have to… I don't know, do the right thing, I guess. The geth had no advocate, no one to speak for them, and that wasn't fair. I was just redressing the balance."

"Thank you for doing so. Not many organics would have risked so much for a synthetic race."

He shrugs. "I'm just glad it all worked out. For a moment there I thought Han'Gerrel wasn't going to back down."

"May I ask another question?"

"Sure."

"Why did you refer to Jeff as 'Lieutenant Moreau' during the standoff? Did that moniker signify an encrypted message of some kind?"

He nods. "It means I'm bluffing. Joker knows to play along."

"Then Han'Gerrel was correct."

"About that, yeah."

"But when you ordered Jeff to 'blow the Neema out of the sky', you called him 'Joker'."

"I did." He pats my body's left shoulder. "I'll leave you to process that one."

"So does that mean you _didn't_ want me to blow up the Neema?" Jeff asks over the comm. "Because… I kinda did? Just following orders, Commander."

Shepard rolls his eyes. "Nice try, Joker. But good work."

"No, seriously. She's been a smoking fireball for the last minute."

"The combustion of matter in a vacuum endures only as long as there is oxygen to sustain it," I point out. "I would estimate that an explosion of sufficient magnitude to destroy the Neema would consume the vessel's oxygen reserves in a matter of nanoseconds. Therefore, your statement is erroneous. Furthermore, I have the Neema in visual range. It is intact and fully functional."

A loud 'groan' originates from Jeff. "How about you stick to the jokes, EDI?"

"Given the calibre of your own, that _would_ be prudent."

"Whatever," Jeff grumbles. "Hey, Commander, don't know about you, but I could use that shore leave about now."

"You and me both, Joker. I'll get things wrapped up here and then we're heading for the Citadel."

"Aye aye, sir!"

"Everyone okay up there? Kaidan all right?"

"He came up to the CIC for a bit and now he's resting. But yeah, he's good. James didn't take any crap from those admirals, either, sir, you should have seen him. Garrus is pissed that he didn't get to use the Thanix and Javik approves of you killing the Reaper but not of you saving the geth. Either that or he's got a bad case of gas. Hard to tell with a face _that_ beautiful."

"Sounds like I missed out on the fun."

"Yeah, while you were playing hero with the Reaper, we were the ones really sweatin' up here." He pauses and, when he continues, his tone is softer. "Glad you're all okay, Commander. Sorry about Legion, though."

"Thanks, Joker. Shepard out."

Shepard lingers for a while in silent contemplation over Legion's body. He then turns to me, indicating that we should join the admirals.


	13. Back on the Clock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update this week, and a shortish one (for me, anyway). I've decided that the Citadel DLC/party is going to span three chapters, and here's the first.
> 
> Thank-you to Carrie for taking time out of her crazy schedule to give the chapter the once-over! And thank you again to all of you who are leaving comments, kudos or are just lurking. :)

**Normandy, CIC, Citadel docking bay D-24 (Kaidan's POV)**

"Enjoy your date with Joker," I say to John through my omni-tool. "When you're not so busy, maybe you could think about taking _me_ out to dinner? I mean, no rush or anything, just when you've got the time."

I'm standing away from the galaxy map, hoping Traynor can't hear me. John's face appears on a small screen above my arm. Looks like he's already outside the sushi place.

"It's _not_ a date," he says with an indulgent smile, and yeah, that undoes me. So much for my stern act. My face contorts into an awkward grimace that probably makes me look more constipated than suave. "You know, you're kinda cute when you're jealous," he whispers.

I quickly glance over my shoulder. Traynor hasn't moved but why do I get the feeling she can hear everything we're saying? "I'm not jealous, just reminding you to make time for your XO. So we can discuss… operational strategy."

"'Operational strategy', huh?" He waggles his eyebrows and my grimace turns into a smile. "Tell me more."

"Not here."

He pulls a face and his voice returns to normal volume. "What are you still doing there, anyway? Haven't the techs kicked you off yet?"

"Got a few things to wrap up. We're leaving in about a half hour. Maybe an hour."

"Seriously, Kaidan? You don't need to straighten portraits and run a white glove along the surfaces. The techs'll take her apart anyway. Do you actually _know_ what 'shore leave' means?"

"I know, just indulge me, okay?"

That smile of his returns and I step even further away from the galaxy map. "I intend to," he says. "Did I tell you about the apartment?"

"You might have mentioned it half a dozen times, yeah."

"Did I also tell you it has three bedrooms?"

I grasp the back of my neck, my eyes darting around. "No…"

"Oh! And it's got a hot tub. Did I mention that? I know it's probably not your kind of thing, but…"

"A hot tub?"

"Mm-hm. Might be good for any lingering headache."

"Headache's manageable now," I reply. "Just background noise. So, uh, how big is this thing?"

"Like a mini swimming pool. More than enough room for two. Can you hold your breath underwater, Kaidan? I know I can."

Something catches the back of my throat and I start coughing uncontrollably. Now I _know_ Traynor can hear because she hasn't even checked to see if I'm okay.

"John!" I hiss once I've got control of myself. "I'm not exactly alone here."

Traynor steps away from her station. Talk about obvious.

"And whose fault's that?" John asks, not unreasonably. "Besides, they all know. Stop worrying and _relax._ You're on shore leave, remember? _"_

"Wait, who's 'they' and what exactly do 'they' know?"

"Uh… the crew? About us."

"Really? You _told_ them?"

"Didn't have to. Tali and Garrus said we were making puppy eyes at each other a long time ago. That true? _Were_ you making puppy eyes at me, Major? While on duty? Pretty sure that's against regs."

I look over my shoulder again and there's no one around. "Like I didn't catch _you_ checking out my ass a couple of times when I was bent over my work station."

"You _knew_ about that?"

"Thought you were just seeing if I was slacking off, but… now I know better."

"I've always appreciated art, Kaidan, and that ass is a goddamn masterpiece. How could I _not_ check it out?"

I cover my face with my free hand and just try not to turn into a puddle here. He's laughing and I know I'm blushing because my face is tingling. Uncover my face and can't push my smirk down. "You'd better not keep Joker waiting."

He gives a knowing nod. "Riiiight. I'll get on that. How about you work on that 'operational strategy' in the meantime? I want a full report later."

"Oh, you'll get one." Take another look around and lower my voice to as husky a whisper as I can manage. "A debriefing too, _if_ you're lucky."

Bingo. His mouth drops wide open. _"Really?_ You know, Joker isn't going anywhere…"

" _Goodbye_ , John."

"You're killin' me here, Alenko!" He laughs and winks at me. "See you later. Now get the hell off the Normandy."

The screen deactivates but I've got some data coming through so I wait to see what it is.

Bypass key for the apartment.

Check my face isn't still stuck in Drooling Idiot mode and turn back to the galaxy map, which one of the techs just deactivated. "I need this terminal for a little longer," I say to him, and he nods. "Traynor, EDI, let's take care of the housekeeping then we'll get out of these people's way."

**Normandy SR-1, Captain's Office, 2183 (Shepard's POV)**

This isn't like me.

Anderson gave me the use of his office while he's up in the CIC so I could review his Command Operations report before it's sent to the brass. Don't think he'd be too impressed to learn that I've spent the past twenty minutes with my head in the clouds.

The reason for that? How about the scandalously handsome junior officer who's standing right outside this office at his station?

I don't know why he's getting to me so much. He's not even my type. I usually go for guys who… well, guys who are like me, and that's fine. Guys like me are content with something casual, something that doesn't involve the 'L' word. I want a military career a hell of a lot more than I want love, whatever love is, so I always keep it simple.

If I get the itch I find a bar when we dock, pick up someone I like the look of (personality doesn't come into it but I do require them to be human—I'm not _that_ exotic) and then we go out back. What could be simpler than that?

Only… I can't get Kaidan Alenko out of my head and it's making my life more complicated than it should be.

First off, there's the biggie: he's a subordinate. Alliance takes a pretty dim view of fraternising. I'm XO of the Normandy and he's a good, solid officer who'll probably outrank me someday because I like to thumb my nose at authority (Anderson being the one exception) and he doesn't. He'll go far and so will I, if I've got anything to say about it.

So I'm not going to jeopardise either of our careers by asking him if he wants to go out back with me. Assuming he'd even say yes, which he wouldn't. He hinted that he used to have a thing for a girl back in Brain Camp, so that's a no.

Second, he's just not the kind of guy you'd ask to go out back. I think that would offend him. I don't know him all that well yet, but I'm guessing the 'L' word _is_ important to him. Don't know why, just a feeling.

And third? He's stopping me from doing my job and he doesn't even know it. Does the introspective, thoughtful, modest lieutenant even know what effect he's having on me? Does he even know that there's an invisible string joining us that keeps on tugging, little by little? I can feel it right now and it's pulling me toward him whether I want it to or not.

"Shepard, how's that report coming?" asks Anderson from upstairs.

I sit up straight and actually open the damn thing. "Just want a little longer with it, sir. Looks good but a second check couldn't hurt."

"All right. Get a good handle on it, Commander, because you'll be writing the next one."

"Thank you, sir. I think."

Could swear I hear a chuckle. "Anderson out."

Okay. Now I _really_ need to get this done. And the only way that's gonna happen is if I go out there and talk with Kaidan, because then I'll stop _thinking_ about him.

So… I step out and he hears me right away because he straightens up and turns to me.

"Commander, have you got a minute?"

"Sure. What's on your mind?"

He gently exhales, a deep frown forming on his brow. "I just… sorry if I got a bit informal the last time we spoke. About BAaT, remember? I just need you to know it won't happen again."

Damn him. How does he _do_ that? How does he manage to come across as stoic, dignified yet vulnerable at the same time? "It's fine, Lieutenant. Nothing in the regs that says you can't be friends with a superior officer."

He smiles a little but I can see he's carrying some weight on his shoulders. "Well, thanks. I appreciate that." He falls quiet and there's a moment of silence. "Better get back to work."

"Is there something you want to talk about?"

He shakes his head. "You're a busy man, Commander."

"I've always got time for you." Holy shit did I _say_ that out loud? "For the crew. To talk. We're all busy and sometimes it helps to unload. I've got a shoulder if you need it. Two, in fact."

Hell, John, why not just propose marriage and be done with it? Might be a little less fucking obvious that way?

Fortunately, he's too preoccupied to notice. He heaves a sigh and brings a hand up to his forehead.

"Did you want to talk more about BAaT?" I ask, figuring he needs some prompting.

"I—I dunno." He glances around and gives a shrug. "There's so much to talk about, but what good would it do? I mean where do we start? If it's not the Council protecting Saren, or the fact that the human race's foray into deep space hasn't quite been the adventure we'd hoped for, what significance do _my_ problems have? I… I know it sounds like I'm whining here, I just…"

I knew he was a worrier but now I'm thinking he's genuinely kept awake at night by whatever's going around in his head. This is a serious problem for him. "Kaidan," I say, losing rank for a minute. "I've never heard you whine about anything. You _think_ a lot, and sometimes you need to let it out. Come on. Let's step into the office."

Part of my job as XO is managing the crew, and that involves hearing out their problems, whether it's a problem with their job or a personal one. I've gotten to know most of the crew this way but Kaidan Alenko's still an enigma to me. He's never come to me before with a problem. Maybe _that's_ why I can't stop thinking about him—maybe it's a control thing? Once I see he's just like the rest of us, it'll stop, right?

I tell him to sit down and pour a couple of coffees, handing him one, before leaning against the desk a few feet away from him. He gives a nod of thanks and takes a tentative sip before setting his cup down and meshing his fingers in his lap, waiting for me to speak.

"I've heard a few stories—rumours, really—of things that happened at BAaT," I begin. "I've read your service record and there's no mention of it at all. First time I even knew you'd been there was when you told me yesterday. You were the right age but not all human biotics were sent there, so I assumed you weren't."

"Figures." He reaches for his cup but changes his mind and starts fidgeting.

"Talk to me," I say. "Looks like you're about to burst. Did something happen?"

"Yeah, _something_ happened." He sighs and picks up his cup but doesn't drink out of it. "There's a reason it's not in my service record, and that's because it was covered up. Happened just before the whole thing was shut down. I mean I don't consider myself important enough to have been the cause of that, but pretty damn sure it was the final nail in the coffin."

I pull up another chair and sit opposite him. "I'm listening."

Then he tells me so calmly and matter-of-factly that it seems almost cold… but then a thought occurs to me.

This man lost control _once_ in his life. And he's afraid of it happening again. So afraid that it informs every decision he makes, every action he takes, which is why he doesn't allow any emotion into his voice when he talks about it.

Now, he's _in_ control, and that's where he's staying.

"Jump kicked him right in the face. Snapped his neck. They might have been able to save him, but… nobody did anything. Just stood there. Saw this… _fear_ in their eyes. They all backed off. Even Rahna."

"The girl you protected? She was frightened of you?"

"At first, yeah. When everyone came to their senses they bundled me outta there. Got to talk to her before I was shipped out, though. We were okay, but it changed her whole perception of me as a person. Last time I ever saw her."

Sounds like a very lonely time of his life. Almost ask if there was anyone else after, or since, but I'd be asking for my sake, not his. Not sure what to say because I'm just about speechless. Mild-mannered Kaidan Alenko got so mad he almost kicked a turian's head off his shoulders. All I know is that I've got a heavy feeling right in my gut.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Commander. It was a long time ago and I've processed it all." He sighs. "Well. I've got a lot to do and so do you. I've kept you long enough."

He needs to go but he's waiting for me to dismiss him. "I'm here whenever you need me," I tell him. "I'll make time."

"Thanks, Commander," he says before shaking his head. "First time I've talked about it since it happened. I, ah, guess you'll need to tell the captain. I want you to know that I understand. I'm not looking to place you in a difficult position here."

I stand up and he follows. "We had a private conversation. If you want to tell the captain, that's your choice. Far as I'm concerned, this stays between us until you decide otherwise. Dismissed."

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir." He salutes and makes for the door, but hesitates as it opens.

"Is there something else?" I ask.

He turns around but takes a few moments to answer. "I mean… I—I'm just curious. The crew comes to you with their problems, right? So… who do _you_ go to?"

"The captain."

"That's it?"

"Pretty much."

He nods. "Then, uh, if you'll forgive the insubordination, Commander, I'd like to offer a second option. If you ever need it, that is." He clears his throat. "Well… you know where I live."

And he's done it again. How did he just sneak up on me like that and turn my insides to mush? "I appreciate that. Might just take you up on it someday."

A ghost of a smile appears on his lips and he turns to leave again.

"Kaidan? A few of us are getting a game together later. Probably be me, Adams, couple of his team… not a big crowd or anything. We play for a bit but usually end up talking tech. Be interesting to get a biotic's spin on things. You'd be very welcome."

His smile grows a little wider and he nods. "I'd like that."

"Twenty-one hundred hours in Adams's office. Bring food. None of those damn energy bars, though."

"Yeah, Commander, no worries there. I hate those things."

The door closes behind him and I sit back down, staring at the report, which may as well be written in ancient Palavenese for all the sense it'll make now.

Well. Kaidan Alenko's no longer an enigma. Except _he_ _still is._ Walked right in here and told me his darkest secret, then walked back out and left me feeling… like I want to talk to him again. About _anything._

I open the comm. "Adams?"

"Hello, Commander. What can I do for you?"

"How about a game tonight? It's been a while."

"Sure, Commander. My office?"

"Twenty-one hundred hours. And don't forget…"

"Bring food," we say together.

**Normandy SR-2, CIC, present day (Kaidan's POV)**

Getting some pretty heavy hints here that the techs want us off the ship. They haven't said anything but there've been a few looks. Not a lot more we can do here anyway, so Traynor and I wrap it up. Just as we're getting ready to head out, EDI's platform approaches me.

"Major, I would remind you of Commander Shepard's directives regarding the ship's VI."

"Oh, right." I get the attention of the head tech guy and call him over. "Just to make it clear, you will _not_ be tampering with the Normandy's VI interface."

He gives a salute. "Yes, sir. I'll make sure the rest of my team is made aware."

"Why don't I stay behind for a while?" Traynor offers. "I know a few short cuts that might make things easier. It's no trouble at all and it won't take long."

"All right, then," I agree. "We'll catch up with you later."

"Thank you, Samantha," EDI says as we head for the airlock.

"Just a moment, Major," Traynor says. "Incoming communication from Joker. Marked urgent."

"Put it through." I quickly head back to her as she opens the comm.

"Kaidan? It's Joker. You still on the Normandy?" He sounds out of breath.

"Yeah, we're here. You okay?"

"No, no, I'm not okay. I mean I'm safe, but these guys just came into the restaurant and started shooting up the place."

I do a double-take at Traynor. "What? Is Shepard with you?"

"We got separated. He sent me to get help. There was this Alliance Intelligence woman, she got shot, then there was a whole bunch of shooting, then he, uh, sorta fell through the floor."

My breath rushes out of my lungs and I turn to EDI. "Life signs?"

"He is out of Normandy's tight beam range and therefore the signal is weak, but he _is_ alive. I cannot provide more insight than that."

"Can you get a bead on him?"

"Scanning…" She concentrates for a second before shaking her head. "I'm sorry, Major. I would recommend proceeding to the vicinity of the restaurant where the attack took place. If he is nearby, I will be able to locate him. Should I attempt to contact him?"

"Send a silent message that'll vibrate his omni-tool. Don't want to expose him if he's in hiding."

"One moment." Her omni-tool lights up and she keys in the message so quickly I'd miss it if I blinked. "No response. Shepard's omni-tool is neither receiving nor transmitting. It may be damaged or nonfunctional."

I run to Shepard's terminal and key in my access code. "Checking Spectre channels… okay. C-Sec just locked the whole area down but I can get us in. Joker, who _are_ these people? Are they Cerberus?"

"I don't think so. They seemed kinda normal, you know? Not brainwashed, just _psychotic_. Brooks said—uh, that's the Alliance Intelligence chick—that some other guys were after Shepard."

"He's not even wearing armour, damn it." I'm heading for the elevator. "Traynor, round up all senior staff. Tell them to meet up at Shepard's apartment. Here's the bypass key." I transmit it to her. "EDI, secure us some transport. I'm going to get suited up." EDI takes off toward the airlock and I step into the elevator. "Techs, Traynor's in charge here. Make whatever systems she needs available to her."

**Citadel, near Cision Motors (Shepard's POV)**

I think I lost them for now. Duck into a storefront and slide down the wall 'til I hit the deck, hoping to catch my breath. Feels like I busted a couple of ribs in the fall. Hell, feels like I busted my _ass._ Nothing I can do about it, though, 'cause I lost my omni-tool somewhere on the way down. I look at my hands, which are ripped to shreds. It hurts just to hold a gun, but at least I've got one.

"How are you doing, Commander? _Commander?_ Are you all right? Uh, hello? Commander? Is this thing on?"

Ugh. Brooks. I know she's trying to help but talk about irritating. Before the medi-gel she was just mildly annoying but now she keeps squawking in my ear like a demented parrot. I touch my earpiece.

"Doin' fine," I say—hell, I sound like I'm drunk—snapping a thermal clip into the gun I picked up at the sushi restaurant. "Am I at Cision Motors _yet?"_

"Not quite, Commander, but you're almost there," another voice says, and my heart starts beating again.

"Kaidan… it's damn good to hear your voice. You okay?"

"We're good. EDI and I are on our way to you. Are you hurt?"

"I'll manage."

"Who _is_ this?" Brooks shrieks. "How did you get on this channel?"

" _Excuse_ me?" Oh, yeah. That's Kaidan's Indignant and Pissed-off voice. "Who am _I?_ Who the hell are _you?"_

"Everyone calm down," I say. "Staff Analyst Brooks, meet Major Alenko, my XO. Don't mind Brooks, Kaidan, she's high on medi-gel."

"Only because I got shot which _wasn't_ supposed to happen! XO Alenko, I need you to stay off this channel! You could be compromising Shepard!"

There's a beat of silence and I can _feel_ Kaidan simmering.

"And you're _not?_ Who do you— _"_

"Quiet, I heard something," I mumble. "Voices. Sounds like they found me. Kaidan, maintain radio silence for now. Brooks… just stop talking, period."

"We're _very_ close," Kaidan whispers, and I feel a lot better. "Hang in there. Alenko out."

I push up to my feet, gun ready, and crane my head around the storefront. See four of them, all in cover. Without an omni-tool I can't set up any tech combos. I can't even overload their shields, but this little gun packs a punch and cuts right through 'em. Either that, or their shield modulators came from the dollar bin.

Flash grenade! I jump back and cover my eyes with my arm but the detonation makes my ears ring, sending me off-balance, and I can't hear a damn thing for a few seconds. Raise my gun as two of them surge in and I catch the first one three times right between the eyes, but the second grabs a hold of me and we tumble to the floor.

Manage to pin him onto his back and straddle him. I'm trying to prise his gun out of his hand but my own hands are bleeding heavily and I can't get a grip.

Then I feel a pain I can't even describe and yell out, collapsing on top of him, completely helpless. Dirty bastard kneed me right in the daddy bags!

He pushes me off of him and takes aim and then…

He's surrounded by a blue aura and gets lifted a few feet off the ground before he's propelled, screaming, to the streets below.

Then Kaidan strides in like some flaming blue biotic god. "Anyone else want a piece of me?" he roars. My ears are still ringing but I heard _that._ Damn, he's sexy when he's pissed off.

"All hostiles terminated," EDI announces, arriving behind him.

Kaidan's face drops, his aura fades and he rushes to my side, helping me to sit up. "Holy hell, _look_ at you! I thought you said you weren't hurt?"

"Didn't… say that… exactly," I rasp as he administers medi-gel. "Said I could _manage."_

"Shepard," EDI says, her own omni-tool activating. "I am extending my shields to encompass you. This body can endure sustained weapons fire without shields. An organic body cannot. You should remain in close proximity at all times for the shielding to be effective."

"Thanks, EDI. Did Joker get a message to you? Is he safe?"

"He's at the apartment with everyone else," Kaidan answers. "Yeah, he got the message to us. In the nick of time, too, by the looks of it. Did you lose your omni-tool?"

"Yeah, when I was… yeah, it must have fallen off," I reply, deciding Kaidan doesn't need to know I fell down the side of a building.

Kaidan's omni-tool deactivates and he pulls me up, examining my bloodied hands, which are slowly starting to heal. Then takes his gauntlets off and gives them to me. "Landing pad's just through there," he points ahead to the Cision Motors show room, "but there's a locked gate."

I put the gauntlets on and we walk—well, I _limp—_ to the gate and take a look. "Got any grenades?" I ask.

"I believe the gate can be bypassed," EDI says, but Kaidan steps in front of her.

"Allow me, EDI. _I've_ got the latest Spectre-issue HMOT omni-tool." Gives me a sly look as he says that. "Of course, it's not a _patch_ on the Savant, but…"

" _What?_ When did this happen?"

"When I became a Spectre. Came directly from the Council. They just threw things like this at me."

I cross my arms. "Oh, sure, you're a novelty now, but when the _third_ human Spectre's appointed, you'll be cast aside like trash. No fancy omni-tool, no Spectre hoodie. Nothing. _I_ was a novelty back in the day."

"Would it help any if I gave you my Spectre hoodie?" he offers as he starts the bypass. "I mean it's just a hoodie. Nothing to get bent out of shape over."

"No thanks. I don't need your charity."

The gate opens and he's smiling at me. "Suit yourself. We need to get you an omni-tool, though. Heard Garrus wants to sell his Bluewire."

I shove him through the gate and let EDI go after him. Looks like the coast's clear. Send EDI to check the perimeter and tap my earpiece.

"Brooks? We're at the landing pad. Any news on that shuttle?"

"Should be with you in just a minute!"

"Who _is_ that?" Kaidan asks.

"Long story. She's from Alliance Intelligence. Says some guys are after me. She got that right, we just don't know who we're dealing with yet."

His omni-tool lights up. "Brooks. Alliance Intelligence."

"Kaidan, you don't need to run a check. She took a bullet for me in the restaurant."

He gives me a stern look. "Can't hurt. Let's see here… okay." He exhales and his shoulders drop. "Staff Analyst Maya Brooks. Full service record. Huh. She's got more commendations than you do."

"Shut that thing off."

He gives me a cute little smirk and I roll my eyes. Even with the situation we're in, he makes me melt inside. Maybe situations like these are where you need that feeling the most.

"I have the shuttle in visual range," says EDI. Kaidan and I step forward to meet her and we wait for it to land, but as it draws near it hovers. Hatch opens—

"Get down!" Kaidan tackles me to the ground as a hail of shots fly over our heads. "EDI!" he yells, gesticulating wildly with his arms. She runs to join us behind a couple of storage containers, taking a few hits on the way. "Move aside," he orders, his aura flaring to life.

I grab his arm and pull him down. _"No_. You'll pop your amp. You're already exhausted, I can see it."

EDI breaks cover for a sec but doesn't even get a shot in before she needs to duck.

Two of the hostiles jump out of the shuttle and start advancing toward us. "No choice, Shepard," Kaidan says. "I need you and EDI to make a run for it while I distract them."

"No way, Kaidan! They'll slaughter you!"

Then a loud bang startles us and the roof of the shuttle caves in.

"What the hell?" I mutter.

"Raaaaaaaaargh!" A huge red thing rolls off the roof and crushes the two hostiles while the ones inside the shuttle scatter, bumping into each other.

"It is Urdnot Wrex," EDI states unnecessarily.

We all take aim but we're not really needed. In little under a minute, the hostiles are dead and the shuttle's only good for scrap.

"You can come out, now!" bellows Wrex with a cracked laugh.

We slowly emerge, Kaidan reaching Wrex first, and they shake hands. "Wrex, I don't know what you're doing here, but you saved our asses," Kaidan says as I join them. "Thanks a lot."

"Hell, Shepard saved my entire people! It's the least I can do!" He reaches for my hand and I grimace as he shakes it. Partly because my hand's pretty mangled, but also partly…

Kaidan isn't looking at me, but I know he _feels_ like it. I glance at EDI because I know she's figured it all out, but she doesn't say a thing. I don't know what I did to deserve these two.

"Looks like you took a beating, Shepard," Wrex says, slapping my back. Yeah, that _really_ hurt. "Lucky for you I don't eat humans, 'cause you've been tenderised! Bwahahaa! Couple of minutes in the broiler and you'd be done! Tasty!"

And there it is. A cold, gnawing sensation all over. _Guilt._ Not something I experience often but when I do it's over something big. Since Tuchanka, Wrex hasn't been a real person in my head because he hasn't been here, which has made it… not easy, but eas _ier._

Now he's here, larger than life. He's a _person_ again. And he just saved us.

He saved _Kaidan._

"Let's get you to that apartment," Kaidan says softly, touching my back. "I'm going to 'borrow' one of these cars. Being a Spectre's gotta be good for something."


	14. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few changes to canon here because first, I found it strange that C-Sec locked down the area where the CAT-6 mercs attacked Shepard but then didn't seem to investigate any further, and second, I thought Glyph's rescue of Shepard and Co. from the Vaults was a bit too convenient. This is my head canon and I hope you'll find it plausible.
> 
> I need to acknowledge exactly how much Carrie, my beta, contributed to this chapter. I got a bit carried away and left several holes in the plot, and she picked up every single one of them. After a major re-write, she was good enough to check it again, and that's something, considering the chapter's pushing 9,500 words. She truly saved my bacon on this one, and I'm hugely grateful to her. <3
> 
> Thanks also to everyone who left comments or are just reading. Hope you stay awake for this chapter--it's a big one!

**Silversun Strip, Shepard's Apartment (Shepard's POV)**

"So that's settled, then," I say to my team—plus Brooks—who're assembled around the conference table. "James and I go in and take care of any heavy stuff, while Brooks takes care of the alarms."

Her eyes almost pop out of her head. "Whaaat? I didn't agree to that! What if I get caught? I was shot not long ago and—"

"I don't need you to _agree_ with anything, Brooks. I gave you an order. That gonna be a problem?"

"W—well, no, of course not, it's just…"

"Hey, don't I get an invite?" Wrex adds, pretending to sound hurt. "Been too long since I cracked heads with the Normandy crew."

Don't know why I didn't ask Wrex in the first place. No, actually… I do. "James?" I glance at Vega, who shrugs.

"No problemo, Boss. I'll just hold down the fort here, maybe order some snacks or somethin'."

"Before you all get going," Kaidan says from the opposite side of the table, "I need a minute. Commander?"

He walks off toward the front of the apartment and stops next to the piano where he cues up his omni-tool. I move to his side, wondering what this is about.

"Kaidan, I already explained. The reason I didn't ask you to come along is that this is _work._ First time you and I get dressed up together, it'll be a real date."

"I know that. Wanted you to take a look at this. It's the hourly Zakera news bulletin." A small screen appears above his arm, showing a very tall building somewhere on the Silversun Strip.

"What am I looking at?"

"Just watch."

After a few seconds we see a man in Alliance uniform tumbling down one of the sloped neon walls, desperately grabbing at anything he can get a hold of.

Uh-oh. Busted.

"Poor guy," I say nonchalantly. "Hope he's okay."

Kaidan shuts his omni-tool off and gives me a hard look. "Are you seriously going to make me zoom in on that? Guess I know what happened to your hands now."

I sigh and try to give him a reassuring smile, but it's not working. "I'm fine. Look—all in one piece."

"No, you're _not_ fine. You broke four ribs, a cheekbone, your wrist—"

"Which you fixed up. You did a great job."

"—you lost your omni-tool, which we still haven't replaced, and you're covered in bruises, one of which is bigger than my head. You need to rest, not to be in another combat situation again so soon."

"But I feel great," I insist. "Just a little tender, that's all."

He folds his arms and I get a feeling I'm not going to win this one. "If _I'd_ fallen down the side of a building less than an hour ago, you sure as hell wouldn't let _me_ go break into a panic room in a heavily-fortified casino, would you? I mean were you even going to tell me about this?"

"No, probably not, but that's because I'm _okay,_ thanks to you and EDI. And Wrex. I'm _fine."_

"Maybe so, but I'm going to need you to sit this one out, Commander."

"Kaidan—"

"If you want a yes-man or woman as your XO, Brooks is right through there."

"That's not funny."

"Then let me do my job. I _need_ you to sit this one out. While we're at the casino you can log into Spectre Requisitions and have a courier bring you a new omni-tool. Same one as mine."

"The fancy Spectre omni-tool?"

"Mm-hm. They've got the Spectre clothing range on there, too. _Hoodies."_

I see a glimmer of mischief in his eyes but his jaw remains hard.

"Okay, you win," I agree reluctantly, "but if you get yourself hurt I really _will_ have Brooks as my XO."

He's walking away from me. "You'd kill her inside an hour."

"An hour? You're overestimating my patience."

We join the others at the table. "As of now, Major Alenko is heading up the mission," I say.

"Told you," Joker mutters to Garrus.

"Something you want to share with us, Lieutenant?"

"Uh, no, Commander, just clearing my throat. Ahem."

"Okay," Kaidan begins. "Wrex and I will distract any casino staff while Brooks—"

"You mean Shepard's _not_ going now?" Brooks demands.

"Is there a particular reason he _needs_ to go, Staff Analyst?" asks Kaidan in an icy tone. Wow. He really doesn't like her.

"No! Of course not! I just… well, I was looking forward to working with the living legend himself," she says, batting her eyelashes at me.

Kaidan's not impressed. "You'll just have to settle for the second human Spectre and the leader of Clan Urdnot. Now can we get on if there are no more questions?"

"Uh… of course, Major," she answers. "My apologies, sir."

"Now all we need is a tux that will fit a krogan," Liara says.

"I got this." James walks up to Wrex, his omni-tool alight. "Place I was gonna use for mine. 'Big as Life and Twice as Ugly'. They cater for krogan, too. They just scan your measurements via omni-tool exchange."

"Can't imagine they get much custom with a name like that," Kaidan whispers to me as we step away from the group. "Know where _I_ can get a decent tux?"

"You mean you don't want to use the krogan place?" I whisper back while we watch Wrex get scanned.

"Uh, no. How about Spectre Requisitions? Would I be able to get a tux there?"

"Well, if you can't, they'll find you one. Come on, I'll help you pick one out. Something in navy blue or slate grey, I think."

"Didn't know you were so interested in fashion," he says as we take a seat on a couch.

"I'm not. I'm interested in you. I know what you'll look good in. I'd prefer nothing at all, but there are those damn public decency laws. But then again, we _are_ Spectres. Who'd arrest us?"

He's laughing to himself. "Don't think this gets you off the hook for the building thing. And I hear Joker's got a score to settle as well. Something about using him as bait?"

"So I've got you, Joker _and_ a mysterious criminal gang after me. I'll take you over them if you promise to tie me up. You've got the 'bossing me around' part down pat."

Now we're both laughing.

"Just place the damn order, John."

**Silver Coast Casino (Wrex's POV)**

Don't know how they call this get-up 'tailored'. Feels like I got a dead pyjak stuck up my ass. Alenko seems to think me wriggling about is funny, says if I want to bust some moves there's a dance floor upstairs. Lucky he's a friend, else I might have told him to do more than just screw himself.

Seems like Alenko grew a quad since I last saw him. Isn't taking any crap from that Alliance woman. Don't think she likes him very much, but he don't care.

Now we're supposed to be 'blending in'—which is a joke as I'm the only krogan here—while we wait for her to disconnect a thingamajig from a whatchamacallit… or whatever. Alenko challenged me to three rounds of varren race betting while we're waiting, winner takes all. _Big_ mistake.

"Best of five?" he asks after I whip his ass.

"Uh-uh. Pay up."

"Damn it." He transfers his share of the winnings to me and grins. "Should have known better than to go up against a krogan at varren racing." He looks around. "So what do you want to do now?"

"Well, I wanna leave you with _some_ money, so let's go grab a drink."

"Sounds good to me."

We head for the bar where I order a shot of ryncol and he asks for something called _Low and Cold._ "What _is_ that?" I ask as he sips at the straw-coloured liquid. "I could piss something stronger than that."

"I'm sure you could, but we're working and I need to stay alert."

"So it's the hard stuff any other night, right?"

He smiles and taps his glass against mine. "Sure, absolutely. Cheers. Good to see you again, Wrex."

"Good to be back. Hell, this is like a vacation. All those females. Uuugh. Can't keep 'em off of me."

"Females?" His face drops. "Oh… right, of course."

"Yeah. Like animals, some of 'em. Can't blame 'em, though. They waited a long time for this." I raise my glass again. "To Shepard… he destroyed the genophage _and_ my quads."

"To Shepard," he says quietly and knocks back most of his piss in one gulp.

"What's the matter, Alenko? If you feel like you're missin' out, I can hook you up with a female. Some of 'em actually _like_ humans. Might wanna wear your armour, though, and get your affairs in order first. Be a hell of a way to go."

He gives me a bland smile, something humans do when they're uncomfortable. Always had him pegged as a prude, but I still like 'im.

"I'm good, thanks, Wrex."

I drink my ryncol and order another. "Oh? Got a little lady tucked away somewhere, then?"

"Uh, not exactly."

I look at him and he's trying so hard not to smile that it almost bursts his face. "Ha! So you and Shepard finally pulled your heads outta your asses!"

"What? How the hell did you…?" He laughs and shakes his head. "Well I didn't know we were so obvious. But I'm beginning to find out."

"Uh, Major?"

Alenko taps his earpiece. "What is it, Brooks?"

"I'm right by the panic room but there are two cameras on your end that need deactivating. There are also two guards there. You'll need to distract them."

"Copy." He hops off the stool and waits for me to finish my drink. "You want to do the distracting this time, Wrex?"

"Sure, I'll give it a shot. If it doesn't work, I'll just pummel 'em."

Shakes his little head at me. "We talked about this. _No_ pummelling. We're trying not to attract attention here, remember?"

"Killjoy." I go with him to the back of the casino, as inconspicuously as a krogan in a human-style suit can, 'til we find the guards she was talking about. "Leave this to me," I say, walking up to one of them.

Alenko gives me a nod and does his best to look nonchalant, which is a hell of a lot easier for him than it is for me.

"Hey, you there!" I say to the human nearest the door. "Call yourself a guard? What kind of workout regimen do you follow?"

Guy gives me a weird look and clears his throat. "Uh… I do light weights with lots of reps, sir. Now if you'll excuse me—"

"Yeah, and it shows. What would you do if a krogan tried to take you down?"

"Is that a threat, sir?" The second guard comes over to see what's happening and I see Alenko begin his bypass.

"No! Sheesh, you humans are so sensitive! I'm a paying customer and I want to know how secure this establishment is! Now tell me what you'd do if a krogan with the blood rage came in here!"

" _Are_ you expecting a krogan with the blood rage to enter the premises?" asks the second guard.

"Who can say? You people need to be prepared for all situations. I want a demonstration of your restraining techniques. _Without_ the use of weapons."

I knew that'd be too much for their egos. While I pretend that their puny little arms are effective at pinning mine behind my back, Alenko's moving onto the second camera. Now I'm wondering how I get the guards to turn their backs when he's done.

"Rodriguez! Miller! Get your asses to the main door! Some krogan just came in and he's tearin' up the place!"

"Yes, sir! On our way!" One of the guards takes off but the other looks at me suspiciously. "You'd better stay right here, sir." Then he runs off and I join Alenko.

"Who was that on the radio?" I ask him as we head toward a fancy-looking door.

"Must have been EDI. Brooks? You there?"

The door opens and she's standing on the other side. "Panic room's over there," she says, pointing to an even fancier door across the way.

"Okay. Good work." Alenko leads us there and bypasses the door. Then pushes it open, one hand on his sidearm, and we step inside. The guy's sitting in a chair, facing away from us.

"Elijah Khan? I'm Spectre Alenko and I need to ask you a few questions."

When Khan doesn't speak I move to his chair, turning it around so they can see the blackened hole between his eyes. "Don't think he'll be answering any questions today."

"Oh my _God!"_ Brooks says in a panic, her hands coming up to her face. _"Now_ what are we supposed to do?"

Alenko's a little calmer than that. He walks up to Khan and examines him. "How did someone get in here without the casino staff knowing? And more to the point, how did they get out again? This shot's recent. Brooks? Did you hear anything?"

"Nooooo! Nothing! Maybe… maybe they used the same kind of gun Shepard picked up? The one with the silencer?"

"So… you didn't hear a single thing?" He asks her again. Slowly.

"I swear I didn't! I would have told you or… or not said anything at all because I would have been scared, wouldn't I? I don't want to get shot twice in one day! Believe me, you'd have been the first to know!"

He starts checking Khan's computer, his omni-tool working. "Yeah, I guess."

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Looks like someone flashed the hard drive. Whoever it was, they didn't want us to see something in Khan's files. I'm taking the OSD."

"What's the point of taking that if the hard drive was flashed?" asks Brooks.

"EDI might be able to reconstruct it." Alenko taps something into his omni-tool and waits a sec.

"Bailey here."

"Commander, this is Spectre Alenko. We've got a situation at the Silver Coast Casino. Elijah Khan was murdered in his own panic room, right under his guards' noses."

"Well, shit."

"I've taken his computer's OSD because I believe this incident to be connected with a recent attempt on Shepard's life. I'll make it, and any other evidence we uncover, available to you as soon as I'm done with it."

"Understood. I'll get a clean-up crew down there and have the security vids checked. We'll interrogate the casino staff as well."

"Actually, Commander, we disabled the security cams. We didn't count on finding Khan dead."

"You disabled the—ah, hell, Major… why do I get the feeling there's a lot you're not sayin'?" He sighs. "No, never mind. We'll get what we can outta the staff and wait for whatever info you can give us. Keep me posted."

"Will do. Tell your officers to be careful, Commander. We don't know who we're dealing with yet, but looks like they're professionals with a lot of resources at their disposal."

"Gotcha. Thanks for the heads-up. Bailey out."

"Do you really think it's wise to involve C-Sec in this?" Brooks questions.

"I'm not just gonna leave Khan's body here to rot," Alenko answers shortly. "That's not the way I do things. Now we'd better get this OSD to EDI. _If_ you think that's wise, Brooks?"

I'm tryin' not to laugh here. Yep, the kid definitely grew a quad or two.

"Absolutely, sir," she says. "Not that you need my approval, not at all, I'm just agreeing with you. Uh… because you're right. Sir."

Alenko's out of there before she's done talking.

**Shepard's Apartment (Kaidan's POV)**

Step through the door to the apartment and right into an argument. Looks like the Spectre Requisitions courier just arrived and he's getting chewed out by John.

"Why the hell would a Spectre order a Bluewire 1? Even Alliance cadets get better omni-tools than that! And what's this?" He holds up a Spectre hoodie—a _pink_ one—which is salarian-sized.

The courier nervously looks at John, then at me, as I walk up to them. "Sir… this is what you ordered."

John huffs and shakes his head. "I _ordered_ an HMOT omni-tool and a blue hoodie in Human Large. I used my Spectre code to get access to the site. Isn't that why it's called Spectre Requisitions? So only Spectres can use it?"

I arrive next to John and the courier's holding his hands up. "Sir, if you'll let me explain, the order was amended. Your own Spectre code was used to change the order."

"What? It can't have been. Let me take a look at it." The courier brings the order information up on his omni-tool and, sure enough, it says:

_Order amendment, authorisation Spectre John Shepard {Spectre code: REDACTED}._

"Son of a bitch! What the hell?"

"This is what I was afraid of," Brooks says from behind us. "Whoever's after Shepard has not only hacked his comms., but his Spectre code as well."

I figure the courier doesn't need to hear this—even though they're bound to a non-disclosure agreement—and hurry him out the door. "Don't worry about any of this. Just fulfil the original order and get it to us as soon as possible, okay?" He nods and I open the door. "Thanks. If the order gets changed again, ignore it. Having a few technical problems here."

I let him go and head back to John. "So the casino was a bust. Found Khan dead in his office. Wasn't a total loss, though—I've got the OSD off his private computer and I'm hoping EDI can dig something up. Brooks?"

I hand her the OSD and she hesitates before finally getting what I want her to do. She goes off to find EDI.

"He's dead?" John says in surprise.

"Yeah, gunshot wound to the head. I'm assuming the killer used a silenced weapon because Brooks was nearby and claims she didn't hear a thing."

John nods and brings a hand to his chin. "This is serious, Kaidan. If they've got my Spectre code they can do anything."

"I know, but looks like they're just toying with us for now. They've obviously got something in mind, though. I brought Bailey in on this. He's taking care of Khan and having the casino staff interviewed."

"Good." He cues up his omni-tool. "Bailey? This is Shepard. Found anything yet?"

"About what?"

John looks at me. "About Khan? How he was killed?"

"What, you _want_ us to investigate it now?"

"Commander," I say, "we just spoke at the casino. You said you were sending a team in there."

"Yeah, I sent 'em, but Shepard countermanded the order about five minutes ago."

"The hell I did!"

Bailey's face appears on a screen and he looks as confused as we are. "Wanna tell me what's goin' on here?"

John heaves a sigh as he realises what's happened. "Bailey, someone hacked my Spectre code, probably the same person who killed Khan. I need you to continue your investigation. From now on, only accept orders relating to this from Spectre Alenko."

We see him enter something into his computer. "Got it. Might be safer to revoke your Spectre code for now, Shepard. This asshole could cause havoc with it."

"Can't you just change it?" I ask.

"I don't have the authority to do that. Even if it _was_ changed, seems like these people could get a hold of the new one. I can put a flag on it which means we get an alert whenever it's used. It'll be rejected and we'll get a fix on their location."

"Can you put an alert on it but still let the code be used one time _without_ it being rejected?" John asks.

Bailey nods. "Ah, I see where you're comin' from. Let me set that up for ya."

"Appreciate it." John's giving me an intense look. "This could go bad if they use that code for something more important than amending an order."

"I know, but I don't think we've got another choice."

"Shepard, I'll meet you in the middle on this one," Bailey says. "They can use the code but we'll get a chance to see what they're using it for before it's approved. That way, we can stop anything too crazy going on with it."

"So it'll just look like the systems are running slow?" I ask. "It won't spook them?"

"Exactly," Bailey replies. "Now, in the meantime, we'd better stay off comms altogether, Shepard. I'm guessing you're taking the lead on this?"

"We'll take care of it, Bailey. Thanks for the help."

"Okay, but gimme a holler if you need any extra hands. I'll let Spectre Alenko know if we get any leads. Bailey out."

"You okay?" I ask John, who's wearing a deep frown.

"Yeah… just trying to figure out how they got my Spectre code."

"Can you remember when you last used it? I mean _before_ you ordered from Spectre Requisitions?"

He thinks about that for a minute. "I used it to get through a gate to the promenade after C-Sec locked it down. Before I met up with you and EDI. I was on the comm. with Brooks at the time."

"That must have been it, then." I look up the length of the apartment where the crew's gathered around EDI and Brooks. "John, does it seem a little strange to you that—"

"Commander! We've found something!" calls Brooks.

"Be right there." John steps closer to me. "What is it, Kai?"

I'm still watching her but it sounds like they've got something solid, and solid's what we need, not intuition. I've always relied on my head over my heart, and this is John's life we're talking about here. "Nothing important. Let's see what they found."

Then my omni-tool bleeps and I key it. Grab John's arm before he walks off. "Just got an alert from C-Sec. Your Spectre code's being used right now."

His face darkens and he looks me dead in the eyes. "Where?"

**Citadel Archives (Clone Shepard POV)**

"Right, we're in position. Remember, I'm _scared_. You need to be rough with me and make it look convincing. Have you memorised the script?"

My heart's going so fast it feels like it's vibrating inside my body.

" _Have you memorised the script?"_ Brooks whispers in a harsh tone.

"I should, they're about the only words I've spoken these past few days. You really think he'll buy all this?"

"What are you talking about? Of course he'll buy it!" She starts working with her omni-tool and I feel like the implants in my head are pushing right into my skull. "Is that better now?"

I nod, feeling a huge surge of something through my system. "Yeah. That… that feels good."

She slaps a gun into my hand. "I've put a lot of work and money into this so _don't_ screw up." Gives me a push toward the balcony. "Go!"

In the second it takes me to twist her arms behind her back hard enough to make her cry out—she _did_ tell me to be rough—I get a sense of what we're dealing with. There's _Shepard,_ firing off incendiary bursts and… he's _laughing!_ Then there's a krogan who's also… what is wrong with these people? They think this is funny?

There's an asari, a quarian, a turian… a synthetic? And what the hell is that thing to the right? Some kind of bug?

Aliens. All I can see are damn aliens. Now I _know_ what we're doing is right. Shepard's lost sight of what's important—the advancement of the human race—and I'm the only one who can put things right.

"That's enough!"

All eyes turn to me and more mercs appear, holding Shepard's rag-tag aliens and alien-lovers in place. Now _I'm_ the important one. I get another rush of… whatever it is my implants give me. I feel invincible.

"Let me go!" Brooks shrieks.

"Put the gun down!" I yell at Shepard, "or this won't go well for her!"

Then my stomach twists. Bastard starts _laughing_ again.

"Haven't done your homework, have you? _That's_ the best you've got? You really think I care about _one_ hostage?"

"Treacherous shit!" Brooks hisses before she employs her 'damsel in distress' voice. She's quite the actress. "C—Commander? Please don't do this, not after all we've been through!"

"Here's a little history lesson for you," Shepard says, so arrogant. "On Torfan I was known as the Butcher because I sent a whole company to their deaths against the batarians. The batarians eventually surrendered. I _still_ killed them."

"I _said_ put the gun down!"

"He's trying to psych you out!" whispers Brooks before raising her voice. "Commander, _please!_ He's hurting me!"

"Oh, and there was an asteroid around Terra Nova about three years ago. Batarian terrorist was gonna send it crashing into the planet. Caught him but he tried to bargain for his freedom. He had hostages, too. Eight of them, I think, I wasn't counting. He _didn't_ get away."

There's a black-haired guy next to Shepard: Kaidan Alenko, Spectre and XO of the Normandy. I know who he is because of the implants Brooks put in me. He just looked down at his feet, frowning. Seems not everyone's on board with what Shepard's done in the past. Alenko could be the weak link I need.

"Maybe I've mellowed a little since then," Shepard goes on, "But only a _little_. So if you think I'm surrendering over one lousy hostage you need to re-think your strategy. Now quit hiding behind a hysterical woman, tell us what you want, and stop wasting my fucking time."

Wow. He's a real charmer. Shouldn't be too difficult to replace him.

"Now!" Brooks whispers. I aim my gun just behind her head and fire off a round. She slumps to the ground and crawls away, out of their sight.

I see Alenko turn his back, his hands over his face. Some of Shepard's flunkeys are shaking their heads but they're aliens and I doubt they have real emotions anyway. Shepard hasn't moved a muscle. But he's not laughing anymore.

Take a deep breath. Now it's just me. I step out into the light.

Yeah. Shepard's mouth pops open and he lowers his gun just a bit, but quickly aims it at me again. Doesn't back down even when the mercs press their rifles against him. He's got balls, I'll give him that.

Alenko doesn't get his composure back as quickly. Goes white as a fucking sheet and then slowly turns red like he's being cooked. Looks… I don't even know _what_ that look is because I've never experienced it before. Brooks said some emotions are useless and will only hold me back. She's right. She's always right, even when she's being a bitch.

I get asked some questions and I answer them with plenty of threats and insults thrown in. Guess I memorised the script okay. Shepard spouts some gung-ho crap about there only being one Shepard and beats his chest like the ape he is.

Alenko's the only one who doesn't say anything. He's just _staring_ at me. That… unnerves me a little but I'll be damned if I let him see.

I'm done with this. Time to find Brooks and execute Phase Two. Once we get the Normandy it won't matter what _anyone_ thinks.

"Eliminate them."

I duck to avoid a barrage of gunfire and tech that's sent my way. When it stops, I take a look at the scene below. Got three dozen of my mercs against Shepard and his aliens. They don't stand a chance. Good.

**C-Sec outpost, Presidium Commons (Bailey's POV)**

"Sir, we've pieced together Elijah Khan's movements with the help of the casino staff. All of them have alibis and we've no reason to suspect that any of them were involved at this time."

I take a seat at Officer Xeltius's desk. "Let's hear it, then."

"Okay. The two guards nearest the panic room logged Khan entering at 16:57 hours and reported no suspicious activity afterward until Urdnot Wrex distracted them at 18:11 hours, when they were called away. Footage retrieved from the security vids _before_ they were disabled corroborates their testimony. The footage cuts out when Spectre Alenko bypassed the second camera."

"Did we pick anything up from the other cams in that zone?"

"No, sir, they were disabled too. Here's the interesting thing, though. There's a maintenance shaft that gives access to the area directly outside the panic room, but it's heavily alarmed, state-of-the-art systems. All alarms in that shaft were also disabled."

"By who?" I ask. "One of the casino staff?"

"No. All staff's movements were accounted for and the security manager told me they're screened for illegal tech before each shift begins. None of the other staff were capable of disabling those alarms. When they perform maintenance, the alarms are disabled remotely by the security manager."

"And how's his alibi?"

" _Her_ alibi's airtight, sir. Got at least a dozen witnesses that say she didn't deviate from her patrol route until Khan was found dead. Alarm controls are in her office, which was locked up tight. No signs of forced entry _or_ remote tampering."

"Security manager? Sounds like she wasn't doing her job," I mutter. "So our killer must have gotten in through the shaft and left before Alenko entered the panic room."

Xeltius leans over me and activates his monitor. "Actually, whoever disabled the alarms left the casino _with_ Spectre Alenko and Urdnot Wrex. Security cams at the main door picked them up on the way out."

I watch the footage and see Alenko talking with the guards on the door and a C-Sec officer, Urdnot Wrex standing behind him. "Where's our alarm expert?"

He points at the screen. "This woman just to the side. Imaging scanners show her as Staff Analyst Maya Brooks of Alliance Intelligence."

I turn to him. "There footage of her entering the casino?"

"Yes, sir. They all entered together then split up. Shortly after, Spectre Alenko disabled the camera above the entrance to the maintenance shaft. Brooks was standing right next to it before the footage ends."

"And you're sure no one else was in that shaft before her?"

"Got a full report here, sir. No one's been in there for days. They do their maintenance on a cycle, and that shaft wasn't due to be used until next week."

I sit back in the chair and think about this. "I don't get it. If they wanted to kill Khan, I can see why they'd split up. Gives 'em a better chance of reaching him. But if Alenko wanted to assassinate Khan, why'd he report it to me? He's a Spectre. Doesn't need to explain himself to anyone but the Council."

"Yeah, we're kind of stuck on that too, sir."

"Who's this Brooks? I know most of Shepard's crew but I never seen her before." I log onto our Alliance database and bring up her service record. "Hm. Most of it's classified. Gonna need to talk with Alenko about this."

I fire up my omni-tool and put a call in. No response.

I turn to Xeltius. "I need to know where Alenko is. Is he on the station? If not, where?"

Xeltius holds his earpiece. "I want Spectre Alenko's last known location. No, not in a couple of minutes. Now."

I try to contact Alenko a couple more times while we're waiting. Been doin' this job a long time. Long enough to know when something ain't right.

"Got something, Commander," Xeltius says. "The Archives. Alenko was last detected there fifteen minutes ago, then he went off the grid. There's an active block on his comms."

I'm on my feet and we're walkin'. "Source?"

"No way to know for sure without tech support, but _something's_ going on down there. Archive drones reported sustained weapons fire which stopped about five minutes before Alenko's comms were blocked."

"And we're only hearin' about this _now?"_

"There were two Spectres down there, Commander. As you know, we monitor things but don't get involved in Spectre business unless they request assistance."

I stop dead in my tracks. "Did you say _two_ Spectres?"

He keys his omni-tool and examines the readout. "Alenko and Shepard both used their Spectre codes within the past half hour. Both at the Archives."

"Where _exactly_ was Shepard's used? And when?"

"One sec… the Vaults, about fifteen minutes ago, Commander. Right when Alenko went off the grid."

"Why the hell didn't we get an alert? There's a flag on Shepard's Spectre code, damn it!"

"Because it was changed at the Archives, sir."

"Get as many armed officers as we can spare to cover a one-mile radius of the Archives and lock down the area. And get that flag back up on Shepard's Spectre code!" I order as he enters commands into his omni-tool. "Tech Division," I say through my earpiece, "drop what you're doin' and meet Lieutenant Xeltius at the Archive Vaults, stat. Got a communication block I need you to fix."

"On our way now, Commander."

Switch channels on my earpiece. "Get me one of the councillors. I don't care who. Priority one."

It takes a few seconds before I get a response. "Commander, this is Councillor Quentius. What seems to be the problem?"

"Councillor, I need a Spectre at the Archive Vaults. We've registered the illegal use of Shepard's Spectre code there and we lost contact with Alenko. My people are on their way there but they might need a Spectre's override codes to undo whatever mess has been made."

"Are you seriously telling me an unauthorised party got access to Shepard's Spectre code? How?"

"With all due respect, Councillor, I don't have time to explain. Shepard's been compromised and we need to make sure the same doesn't happen with Alenko. Right now, I'm more concerned about his safety."

"All right. I'm reassigning Spectre Galon. He's closest to the Archives and will be there shortly. I want a full report on this."

"You'll get one, Councillor. Bailey out."

**CIC, Normandy, Docking Bay D-24 (Brooks's POV)**

"Get rid of her!" I whisper to Clone.

"How?"

Honestly, I think his cranial implants need more fine tuning. "You're supposed to be captain of the Normandy, aren't you? Just tell her to leave like you did with the techs!"

He gives me a surly look. I _really_ can't have this level of insubordination. As soon as we're underway I'm opening his head up again.

"I mean for what reason? She's helping us."

"We don't need her to take off, do we? Our pilot's in place and Traynor's going to know something's up as soon as we, I don't know, go on the run? Either get rid of her or kill her. Your choice."

He pushes his jaw out and rolls his shoulders. _"Fine."_

"Uh, excuse me, Commander?" the annoyingly chirpy comm. specialist says.

He walks up to her console. "Yes. I'm Commander Shepard. What is it?"

Dear _Lord._ Why do I bother?

"Well, it's just that… are you _certain_ you want us to take off without a full crew? I can recall them now if you want me to."

"No, they're on shore leave. You should be too, Traynor. You can go now."

"Oh, if it's all the same to you, Commander, I'll hang around a bit longer," she says with a shifty glance at the mercs, who're doing a wonderful job of looking _exactly like fucking mercs._

"I don't think you heard me, Traynor," Clone says, finally acquiring some backbone. "You're dismissed."

"Oh, all right, then. Can I stand you to a late supper, Commander? It is getting on a bit."

He blinks. "Are you… coming on to me?"

The blasted woman actually laughs. "I hardly think so, Commander. We're not exactly each other's type, are we?"

I decide I need to step in because this oaf of a clone obviously has no idea about personal relationships. And that's because they're not a priority in his 'education'. "Do you always speak to your commanding officer like that?" I demand, stepping closer to Traynor and giving Clone a sharp elbow in the ribs.

"Well… yes? _This_ commanding officer, anyway. You have to get to know them and what they'll allow. Fortunately, Commander Shepard has a really dry sense of humour."

"You just crossed the line, Traynor!" Clone thunders. He _is_ overacting a tad, but it's effective in wiping that idiotic smile off her face. "You're dismissed! And I mean dismissed from the Alliance, period!"

"I _believe_ he means 'dishonourable discharge'," I add, resting my elbow on his shoulder. "For conduct unbecoming."

"But—what? You can't do that! Not without a court-martial! And I didn't do anything wrong anyway!"

"You forget I'm a Spectre!" He points towards the airlock. "I don't _need_ a court-martial. Now get the hell out of here!"

"But… I…" Her face turns as red as a baboon's arse and she stomps across the CIC. Pity she didn't burst into tears. That would have been _very_ satisfying.

"Careful," I say to him once she's gone. "A Spectre can't throw someone out of the Alliance."

"I got rid of her, didn't I?"

"Yes, but if she checks it out she'll know something's not right. Just let _me_ do the talking from now on, okay?" I touch a panel on the console to open the comm. "Pilot, get us out of here."

"Uh… can't do that, ma'am."

"I beg your pardon? Why not?"

"We just got an impound order from C-Sec. We are _not_ cleared to take off."

"They can't have gotten out of the Vaults!" Clone exclaims.

"They _haven't._ It was that bastard Alenko. He just _had_ to involve C-Sec, didn't he? We don't need their permission to take off. Use your Spectre code and override them! Do I have to think of everything?"

"I know that! Are you still gonna talk to me like I'm an idiot when we're out of here?"

"You won't _be_ an idiot anymore because I'm going to fix you. Now use the damn code."

He pushes his jaw out _again_ and inputs the code into the console, which immediately goes blank. "We've been locked out!"

"Let me see that!" I push past him and try to access the Normandy's controls but the console's completely unresponsive. "Can't you get _anything_ right?"

Then Clone's omni-tool lights up. "It's an audio message from C-Sec."

"Don't activate the screen!" I order. "We don't want them to know we're on the Normandy!"

"I _know!"_ He opens the message.

"This is Commander Bailey of C-Sec. We know you're on the Normandy because you were stupid enough to use Shepard's Spectre code again. The game's up, asshole. And FYI? Your plan to lock up Shepard and Alenko failed. We found 'em. They're not the only Spectres on this station."

"Screw you!" Clone says and disconnects.

"Well, that was _very_ smart, wasn't it?"

"Shut up! I'm trying to think!"

"Uh, boss?" the pilot says from the cockpit. "Just got an unauthorised access alert here."

"Where?" I ask.

He makes a slovenly 'I don't know' noise, reminds me that the AI's been unplugged _and_ that he's been locked out.

"This is perfect," I say to Clone. "It's _got_ to be Shepard. We'll kill him and claim _he_ was the clone. All you need to do—"

"I _know_ what to do! And, just for the record, I don't _need_ 'fixing'!"

He marches to the elevator like a spoilt child. This really is becoming rather tiresome. Looks like he'll need a control chip after all. He's unstable.

"Armory," he says from inside the elevator, and I join him. "Slow him down," he orders the mercs as the door closes.

**CIC, a short time after (Kaidan's POV)**

The mercs are dead but John's having a few issues with his new omni-tool. "Here," I say to him, demonstrating with my own. "With the Savant you had to punch commands in with your thumb. With the HMOT you just flick your wrist. Like this." I send a blast of ice at the elevator door.

"Challenge accepted," John says and attempts to melt my ice with incineration tech, but goes wide of the mark.

"Ah, took me a bit to get used to it, too. You'll get the hang of it."

"Guess I'll get a chance to practise on the clone," replies John as we head for the elevator. "EDI? You want to try to melt the ice before we head down?" We turn around and EDI's standing away from us, staring at some of the mercs' bodies. John glances at me and walks up to her. "EDI? You okay?"

She slowly turns to face him and looks almost distressed. "I cannot read your or Major Alenko's vital signs. I feel… disconnected from everything. Experiencing the Normandy from the outside is extremely disturbing."

"Hey." John lays a hand on her shoulder. "We'll get you back, EDI. I promise."

"Thank you."

"Now let's make these bastards pay for ever setting foot on our ship. You with me?"

She straightens up and nods. "Yes, Commander. We _will_ make them pay."

I call the elevator and wait for them to join me. We step inside.

I look at John. He's calm, confident and knows, with certainty, that this is where the clone ends. But all I feel is rage and fear bubbling up inside of me. There's always _someone_ trying to kill him, but this is much more personal. Gets right under my skin. I mean they took not only John's name and Spectre code, but his face, his body, his DNA. To John, this is just another hostile, but to me… these people have violated him, bastardised him.

This _thing_ they created is as much a part of John as EDI is and _I_ want to be the one to end it.

EDI's first out of the elevator, almost as if she feels the same way I do. The hangar looks empty at first—aside from a few dozen crates the techs brought in—but then the _thing_ steps out from behind Vega's work station. Goddamn him, he changed into John's spare set of armour.

"Unacceptable!" John yells and shots are exchanged, which bounce off of shields. "Get to cover!" orders John as more of those damn mercs ooze out of the shadows.

I lose sight of EDI but my eyes are on John. He's going straight for the clone. Tunnel vision. I find a decent hiding place and work on the mercs, keeping them off John as much as I can.

I see that bitch Brooks sneaking up on him, but she doesn't see me. Overload her shields and get a couple of shots in before she scurries away.

Then I see EDI signalling to me at nine o'clock. She's pointing at three mercs who think they're hidden but whom EDI and I can both see. I think I get what she wants me to do. My overload's still on cool down so I reave them to drain their shields, EDI hits them with incineration tech, then we both cut loose. We drop all three of them before they even know what's happening. EDI gives me a nod before disappearing again.

Twenty seconds or so later, EDI emerges a little farther down the bay and gives me the signal again. We're working well together so I follow her lead… _its_ lead.

Takes us a while to get rid of the rest of the mercs and I don't know what the hell happened to Brooks. Maybe she's dead or maybe EDI's taking care of her, but my eyes are on John and the clone. They're really going at it and I break cover, moving closer.

They're both panting, sweating and using their omni-blades. Looks like this has become a real battle of wills, neither of them prepared to 'cheat' by using tech. The clone's bleeding heavily from its mouth and nose and John's got the upper hand. He feints and the clone lunges for him but John's too quick and lands a vicious blow right across the clone's face, sending it flying against a crate, its gun skittering away.

John moves in, then…

Brooks! She appears from nowhere and starts firing at him! I take a few shots at her and both of them disappear from sight.

The clone's all alone. This is my chance.

Throw a barrier around myself and walk up to it. It's slumped against a container, bleeding, panting and holding its belly, grimacing in pain. Its gun's a few feet away but it makes no attempt to reach for it.

I raise my own gun and aim at its head. "Look at me, you son of a bitch!"

It looks up at me slowly, holds my gaze for a second and then closes its eyes.

Get an unpleasant feeling in my chest. I… don't know where it came from or what it is. I could kill it, right here. It'd be so easy.

"Kaidan!" John shouts from somewhere behind me. I hear gunfire but can't pinpoint it. "Kill it!"

It'd be _too_ easy.

"Kaidan!"

"I—it's unarmed! I can't… I can't kill it in cold blood! It's defenceless!"

Time seems to stand still for a second. The clone opens its eyes again and looks right into mine. Looks confused, like it can't understand why I haven't finished it off.

It doesn't look like John. It doesn't have his eyes. It _doesn't._

"Major!" EDI calls from somewhere else. "Fire in the hole!"

A grenade—one of Brooks's, I'm guessing—rolls right between me and the clone. On instinct I dive for cover, wrapping my arms around my head. My barrier holds against the explosion. I quickly look over my shoulder and EDI's going after Brooks farther down the bay.

"Kaidan?" John calls out in concern.

"Shepard! You okay?"

"I'm fine! Did the blast hit you?"

"No, I'm good!"

"Where's the clone?"

Take a quick look and the clone's gone. Looks like he picked up his gun as well. "I lost him, Commander. Damn, I'm sorry."

I'm so angry with myself. I had my chance and I blew it. If—if the clone finds John and… I'll never be able to forgive myself.

I know John's kitty-corner to my left, so I place myself between him and the last place I saw the clone. John hasn't moved, so either he's patching up an injury or fixing his shields.

EDI and Brooks are still duking it out—I hear them but don't see them—but I'm not leaving John exposed. Sorry, EDI, I'll have to trust that you can hold your own.

"Where are you?" I shout out. John must know from my tone that I'm not asking him, so he stays quiet. "You _don't_ have to do this. You think Brooks cares about you? She just threw a grenade right next to you! I don't know if you're injured or not. Do you need help?"

"Kaidan?" John hisses from his hiding place. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Can't you see she's using you?" I ask the clone, wherever it is. "Don't you want to make your own mark? Why would you want to be someone else when you can be yourself?"

"Myself?" rasps the clone and I turn my head to the right, slowly moving toward its voice. "What is 'myself'? I only ever existed as a backup for Shepard! There _is_ no 'myself'!"

"Yes, there _is_ ," I reply, surprised by how much I mean that. "You don't have to answer to anyone. You can _be_ somebody, someone who's not John Shepard! You only have to say the word and this is all over!"

"Bullshit! I surrender to you, and the Alliance will take me apart! And how the hell do you figure I can be somebody else? I share the same DNA as him! I look exactly like him!"

John appears beside me, crouches down and looks around. EDI and Brooks have gone quiet. "Keep him talking," John whispers.

"Identical twins share the same DNA but they're not replicas of each other," I continue. "In fact, I know a set of twins." John looks at me and nods in approval. "One of them's an Alliance engineer, the other's an agriculturist. Look almost exactly the same but couldn't be more different. One's got children, the other doesn't. One believes in God, the other's an atheist. What I'm trying to say here is you can _be_ yourself. You _can_ have your own life. DNA isn't everything."

"You expect me to believe that? The Alliance'll either throw my ass in jail and lose the key, or they'll brainwash me to be some kind of Shepard substitute!"

"But I thought that's what you wanted?"

There's a quiet huff. "Nobody ever asked me what I _wanted."_

"Well _I'm_ asking you now. Is _this_ really what you want? You _know_ you're gonna die here if you keep fighting us. You can't change anything when you're dead."

There's silence. Catch a glimpse of something among the containers. I don't know if it's EDI or Brooks.

We wait a bit. John's bouncing on his haunches. He's getting impatient.

Then a gun gets thrown from behind a crate along with an omni-tool. John and I rush over and find the clone on all fours, gasping for breath, its head bowed. Looks like it got caught in the grenade blast because half of its armour is missing and its shields are gone.

John aims his gun at it but I touch his arm. "No. Please."

"Kaidan…"

"Commander, I'm _asking_ you not to do this. Look at it. It surrendered. We won."

John holds in a sigh and lowers his gun. Then grabs the clone by the arm. "Get up!"

"EDI?" I call out. "Status!"

She doesn't answer so I keep my gun ready and we step out of cover, John holding the clone up. Neither of us has any medi-gel left and if I can just get to the crate across the way… but I don't know what the situation is.

"EDI!" John hollers. "Give me the sign if you're okay!" His omni-tool vibrates and he exhales in relief.

Then we hear a shot and one side of the clone's head just blows out.

"Brooks!" yells EDI, her voice distorted. "Starboard!"

"I see her! Kaidan, look for EDI, she may be injured!" John drops the clone and goes running off, but I've got no time to think about that. I double-back, heading in the direction of EDI's voice.

"I lost her!" John calls. "Watch yourselves! Brooks is still out there!"

I peer over cover and then a hand comes to my throat from behind, cold metal against my temple.

"Hands in the air, Major. Up you get. Nice and slow. No sudden movements."

My stomach tightens as I'm manoeuvred into the centre of the hangar.

"Call him," Brooks orders.

"Go to hell."

"How about you first?" She pushes the gun so hard against my head it hurts. I need to figure a way to buy John some time but if I call out he'll…

He steps out from behind a container just in front of us. I swear the look on his face… the only time I've ever seen him so frightened is when he ordered me to the escape pods back on the SR-1.

He raises his gun but hesitates. He doesn't know what to do. For the first time, John Shepard doesn't know what to do.

"I wonder if you care about _this_ lousy hostage, Commander?" Brooks drawls, tightening her grip around my throat.

"Just so you know," he says so calmly and quietly he almost scares me, "you hurt him, I'll make you suffer like you never thought possible."

"And if I let him go you'll kill me. Tough choice," she says sarcastically.

"If you kill him, I won't kill _you._ I'll keep you alive 'til you die of old age, spending every second in agony. I'll pull your teeth, your fingernails and toenails, then I'll take your fingers and toes, one by one," he goes on, his teeth clenching and his nose wrinkling.

"I'll throw you in with the animals on the C-Sec disturbed unit and let them do whatever they want with you. I'll make sure every day of your sorry life is filled with pain. But I'll _never_ let you die, I promise you that. You think you know what I'm capable of but you have _no_ idea. No idea at all."

I feel her grip on me loosen a little before it tightens up again. "This is what you're going to do," she says, gulping before she continues. "We're going to take the Normandy and you're going to drop me at a location of my choosing. I'll release Major Alenko when I'm certain I can't be found."

"Just shoot her, John!" I croak. "She'll kill me anyway! You know that!"

"Damn it, Brooks! _Let him go!"_

The side of my head starts burning. So intensely that for a split second I think she shot me, but she yelps and her gun falls to the floor, glowing red hot.

EDI!

I throw myself down and John wastes no time. Drops Brooks with a headshot and unloads the full clip into her body when she falls.

Then he's lifting me under my arms until I stand at my full height. We look at each other, panting, for a sec and I'm pulled hard against him in a crushing hug. Feel myself getting emotional so I gently push him away and it's like he's snapped back to reality.

"EDI! Talk to me! Where are you?"

"I do not know. I am incapacitated. I see Major Alenko's left side from this vantage point."

We turn in the right direction and find her behind some broken crates. She's pretty busted up. Takes both of us to lift her and lead her to a container strong enough for her to sit down on.

Then my omni-tool lights up. "Spectre Alenko? You readin' me?"

"Commander Bailey?"

"Yeah, we're outside in the docking bay. Took care of the mercs out here, now your comm. specialist's letting us on board. What's your status?"

"You took your damn time!" John breaks in.

"Uh… that the real Shepard I just heard?"

"Yeah, that's the real Shepard," I say with relief and pride. "We're in the hangar bay. We need techs and medics down here," I say with a glance at EDI.

"We've got 'em. On our way to ya. Bailey out."

"Major, I apologise for inflicting a burn to your face," EDI says.

I walk over to her and crouch down. "You saved my life. Think I can forgive a little burn. Thank you."

"No thanks are necessary. You are a crewmate and friend."

I give her a wry smile. Not so long ago, a 'friend' is the last thing I would have called a synthetic. "Yes I am, EDI. We're gonna get you fixed up, okay? And we'll have you integrated back into the Normandy as soon as possible."

She gives a nod and I pat her arm because she seems to be reassured when John does it.

"Thank you, Major."

John and I walk a short distance away and look at the dead clone. Thankfully, I can't see its face because one of its arms is thrown over it.

"Why wouldn't you kill it?" John asks quietly. "Knowing the kind of man you are, I'm not surprised. I just want to know what was going through your head."

I let out a sigh and think about what I'm going to say. "I watched you die once."

"But… you weren't there when it happened. You were in an escape pod."

I shake my head, the memory of it haunting me. "Comm buoys recorded footage of the attack. It was on the news. I just—I couldn't look away. Something ugly inside me made me watch every damn second. I _watched_ you get spaced, John. I…"

He clutches my face and makes me look at him, real sadness in his eyes. "Kai..."

"I'm all right. I—I just… I know he wasn't you, but… I couldn't… I _couldn't_ see you die. Not again."

"I'm here," he assures me, "and I am _not_ going anywhere."

"Promise me."

He kisses me between the eyes. "I promise." Wraps his arms around me again and I close my eyes, just breathing him in.

Then the bay doors open and C-Sec spills in.


	15. Another Day, Another Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the late update--this chapter didn't really turn out the way I wanted it to, but here it is. There wasn't enough room to fit everything in so the Citadel DLC content will continue into the first half of the next chapter.
> 
> Thank you to Carrie for everything you've done this week, and to all who are reading and leaving comments or kudos.
> 
> Some NSFW content here but not enough yet for an 'E' rating.

**Shepard's Apartment, late the following morning (Kaidan's POV)**

So we dealt with C-Sec, made our reports to Command, got the techs (and EDI) back on the Normandy and the dead bodies off of it.

At 04:30 hours John and I stood in the docking bay, dead on our feet. John looked at me with hooded eyes and managed one word:

"Sleep. Aughrr."

Well, technically two words but I couldn't make out the second one.

We came here, dropped our armour to the floor piece by piece, kicked our boots off and head-planted the big couch. Lights out, that's all she wrote.

I'm just waking up now but my eyes are still shut. I keep 'em that way. I can smell John, can hear him breathing, and I'm nice and warm.

Except there's one part of me that _isn't_ warm. What the…?

Open my eyes a bit and my t-shirt's pulled up to my chest. John moved down the couch, parked himself between my legs, and he's studying my tattoo with great interest.

"There're laws against taking advantage of people, you know."

His head snaps up and he looks shocked for a second before he smiles. "I'm a Spectre. I'm _above_ the law."

"Yeah, well, I'm a Spectre too," I say around a yawn. "Which means I can arrest your ass. Wonder what the Council'd think of that, not to mention the press… 'Commander Shepard canned for molesting a fellow Spectre'. 'Course, I guess that would make me senior."

"Oh, yeah? Prove it."

I narrow my eyes at him and slowly shake my head. "You're a son of a bitch, you know that, right?"

He laughs and starts tracing along the edge of my tattoo with his finger. "So what's the deal with this, Kai? It's an amazing piece of art, but you're the last person I would have expected to have it on their body."

I stretch out, sigh and tuck my hands behind my head because I _really_ like him stroking me like that. "Guess it was my way of rebelling," I say, trying hard not to bite my lip because now he's splayed his fingers and he's stroking my belly with his whole hand and he's _totally_ doing it on purpose.

Also… I can feel his breath on my skin and it's like the hairs are standing on end, screaming for him to come closer.

Wonder if he knows?

"Rebelling?"

"Yeah. I mean back in those days I was so uptight, so obsessed with regs and doing things the right way. Everyone thought they knew me. Guess they did, but there was one thing they _didn't_ know about me."

"Regs? Doing everything the right way? Kaidan… you're still like that," he teases.

"Oh, really? So you're saying that what we're doing now isn't setting us up to break some regs?"

"But I'm only checking out your tattoo. What's wrong with that?" Then he pushes a kiss right into my belly button and my whole body quivers.

"John—"

"Hm?"

He stays right there, running his nose through the hairs that trail downward, and kisses me a little lower. My legs—and ass—tense up.

It's not so much _where_ he's kissing me, but where he might kiss me _next._

Where I hope to God he kisses me next.

"You like that?" he murmurs, looking up the length of my body.

"I, ah... oh, boy." I can't even get my words out, so I let my hands do the talking. Touch the back of his head and gently push him down.

"Yeah, I think he likes that."

He starts tugging at my waistband, running more kisses along my hip bones, and I don't stop him. Lift up my butt and feel his hands graze my cheeks as he slides my pants down.

Looks up at me again and raises an eyebrow. Think he likes what he sees. And yeah, I'm just about a pile of goo right here. My arms and legs feel so _heavy_. My skin… it's like it's buzzing.

Then one of his hands cups me and he starts kissing me again. Right. _There._

Doesn't take long for me to get hard. I try to watch what he's doing but my eyes keep fluttering closed so I just concentrate on how it feels.

And it feels pretty fucking incredible.

Those lips… I waited so long just to be kissed by them, now they're sliding up and down my—

Need to think of something else here to keep the wolf from the door.

"Don't fight me, Kai," he whispers before taking all of me into his mouth, his hand massaging my balls.

And there's nothing else except my erratic breathing, the slippery, sucking sounds John's making… the scratchy grunting deep in my throat and the thing building inside of me, the heat, the ache, that beautiful ache... like sweet, sweet torture because you never want it to end but you really _need_ it to end.

God, I waited so long for this and damn it, I'm not fighting it.

My head's pressed right into the couch, my back's arched and my hips are bucking. One hand's on the back of John's head, the other's flailing around and grabbing at something I can't find. I'm shouting something I don't understand and I don't even know how to talk anymore and I don't even care.

I'm flyin' apart at the seams here—

"J—John!"

I crash back to the couch and then… I'm floating, just made of _nothing._

Some time passes by, I don't know how much. I don't even know where I am. Feel John climbing up me and he's laughing. Throws himself on top of me and ruffles my hair, planting a big smacker on my cheek.

"You think _that_ was against regs, big guy? And I mean _big._ "

Open my eyes and raise a weak hand to his face, which is right next to mine. "Yeah, pretty sure the UCMJ* just blew up."

He chuckles and kisses my brow, then my cheek again. "Y'okay? Feelin' good?"

I stretch my body before wrapping an arm around his back, my other draped over his shoulder, and give him a stupid grin. "Feel… terrific. But you didn't even buy me dinner yet."

"I'll take you out to dinner later, okay? A real date. Then we've got a hot tub to try out."

"I could swing that, sure." Then John kisses my nose, so I point to my mouth. "How about here."

"After I just…? Wow, Kaidan. Never knew you were so _nasty_." Gives me a lusty smile and whispers against my lips. "But okay."

My whole body tingles as we come together. He tastes musky and bitter and salty and I'm good with that. Push my hands under his t-shirt and run them up his back, feeling his skin come alive beneath my fingers. I want him to fly apart too, want to hear him shout my name, want to send him dizzy and make him tremble and moan and claw at the couch.

With a monumental effort, I pull back. "Think I need to return the favour."

He groans and shakes his head. "Sorry. No can do. Still a little sore after my encounter with a merc's knee."

"But, ah, I can be gentle."

He looks intrigued. "Yeah? How gentle?"

"I'll be like a little kitten, just… nibbling away."

He pulls a face. "I'm not into bestiality, Kaidan. I'll stretch to armpit worship, _maybe_ , but not animals. Let's get that clear from the start."

"Shut up and get on your damn back, John. We'll talk about the armpit worship later."

We're both laughing as we clamber over each other, then we freeze when the entry door sensor pings.

"Goddamnit." John keys up his omni-tool and the huge screen on the wall in front of us shows Joker at the door.

"Does he actually _know_ we're here?" I ask.

"Uh, think I might have mentioned it last night." John rubs his eyes and sits up straight on the couch. "Guess we can't pretend we're out. It _is_ a long walk up here for him."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Can he… see _us?"_

"I'm guessing no, because his eyes are still in his head," John says with a smirk. "Might wanna yank your pants up, though, just in case."

"Oh, right." I hop to my feet and make myself decent. Hell, my legs are still shaky. Look down at John, smile and hold out a hand, pulling him up.

He steps real close to me, skims my hips with his fingers and nudges my nose with his. "Y'know… I'm sure Joker can wait a little longer. I need a minute, two, tops."

"Not with me, you won't. I'll make you work for it."

He takes a step back and looks at me like he's been blind his whole life and just got his sight back. "Holy shit, Kaidan."

"But… Joker's at the door," I say with a melodramatic sigh, "so how about you get breakfast started and I'll go grab a shower?"

"Ho. Lee. Shit." He starts walking backward, not taking his eyes off of me.

I send him a wink before turning around and sauntering off, biting my lip to hold in my laughter. "We'll pick this up again later," I say over my shoulder.

"Yes, we will. Wow." Then he blows out a long, shaky breath and hits one of the control panels on the wall. "Come on in, Joker."

**Shepard's POV**

Quickly wash my hands and meet Joker at the door. Find him holding a data pad, picking his way through my and Kaidan's scattered armour.

"Wait a sec. Let me get that for you."

"Late night, huh, Commander?" he asks as I kick the pieces aside to clear a path for him.

"You could say that. Have a seat. How's EDI doing?"

"Ah, they fixed her up pretty good."

I run over to him as he's about to sit on the couch where Kaidan and I—

"Uh, not that one. This couch over here. Be more comfortable for you."

"Thanks, Boss." He eases himself into it with a groan.

I go back to pick up the armour on the floor, leaving it on one of the kitchen counters. "Want some breakfast? Coffee?"

Joker shakes his head. "I'm good."

I then go to the island in the centre of the kitchen and find some eggs, cracking them into a pan. "So what's with the data pad?"

"Oh, that. See, James and I've been planning a big celebration since you took down the Reaper on Rannoch."

"A what? Hey, Kaidan, you want eggs?" I yell.

"Sure, whatever," he replies from upstairs. "Morning, Joker."

"Hey, Major!" Joker calls out. "Yeah, so we got it all planned out and thought it was about time we told you, Commander, 'cause we're kinda holding it here. Tonight."

I groan to myself. So much for introducing Kaidan to the hot tub.

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then," Joker resumes. "So I sent out a few invitations—"

"Stop right there." I take the pan off the heat and walk over to him. "How _many_ invitations?"

"Just the senior staff, plus a few other people you know."

"Other people? Joker…" I hold my hand out and he gives me the data pad. I sit beside him and read it. "Tali, Liara, Garrus, Zaeed… okay. Grunt… Wrex..."

"Oh, I didn't invite anyone with Cerberus connections yet because of… you know." He looks up at the ceiling. "So there's Jacob…"

"No."

"Miranda?"

"If you can find her, fine. But I don't think she wants to be found right now."

"I'll send an invite anyway. How about Jack?"

"I don't think so."

Joker snorts to himself. "Lucky I got started on these invites, or it'd have been just you and Kaidan."

I lean into him a bit and give him a stare. _"That_ was the idea, Joker."

"Aaaand I'll take that as my cue to leave." He wriggles forward and I help him to stand. "Just remember, Commander, we're all itching to party with you 'cause you're so awesome and all. Oh, and, uh," he coughs, "it's a costume party."

Put my hands on my hips. "Then you can just keep walkin', mister."

"Kidding! Just… kidding," he says with a shifty glance at the data pad as he heads for the door. "I, uh, got a couple of things to take care of. Like, quickly. Catch you later, Commander."

"When? What time? Do I need to do anything?"

"'Bout 20:00 hours. Just provide some decent music and drinks. It's potluck, so you don't need to worry about food. EDI wants to try cooking." He thinks about that for a sec and frowns. "Yeah, I'll buy her something to bring along."

I watch him go out the door and wonder how much booze I'll need for about twenty people… actually, make it _thirty_ with two krogan attending.

Then I hear the shower start up above me. Jog up the stairs. "Wait up!"

**Later that evening (Garrus's POV)**

"So you want me to stand here and let everyone in?" I ask Shepard. "Like some kind of personal butler?"

He's holding his hands up and shaking his head, which means he's lying through his blunt little teeth. "No way! This is an ancient Earth custom. It's a great honour to be asked to let everyone in. I wouldn't have chosen anyone else but you, old friend."

"In other words, I was the first one here?" I spot a helmet of black hair hovering around a corner. "Kaidan? Is this custom thing true?"

"Uh… be with you in a sec, Garrus. Just need to check on… music." The black helmet disappears and I cross my arms, giving Shepard my most sceptical expression, even though he can't tell the damn difference.

He sighs. "Look. I don't know what to _do_ at a party. I never hosted one before."

"And you think I have? Nearest I ever came to a party was that time the munitions locker on the SR-1 was left open and I… oh crap."

"So that was you? Wondered what happened to those X-mods. And I questioned the entire crew because I thought someone stole them. Oh, wait! Someone _did."_

"Uh, look! Someone's in the elevator." I push him along. "You go take it easy for a bit. I'll show everyone in. What a _great_ honour this is."

"You're so full of shit, Garrus."

"Takes one to know one. Uh… one who's full of shit, that is."

Shepard steps closer to the security screen and sees that EDI, Joker and Traynor are on their way up. "Think I'll stay here and watch you squirm. Or are you laughing? Crying? Having a psychotic episode? I can never tell."

"Shut the hell up." Look over my shoulder. "Kaidan! Guests are arriving."

"Uh, yeah, I'm just…"

"Hiding," Shepard calls loudly.

"I _told_ you I'm arranging the music!"

The first three guests arrive, two of them carrying food. Traynor's first in and starts setting up on a nearby table.

"What's all this?" asks Shepard.

"Curry with all the accompaniments," she says, taking out several small containers. "The two red tubs are dextro, so don't eat those."

"Wow, you really went to town. Can I try some?" Shepard asks, reaching for a spoon.

"I'd advise lining your stomach with something else first, Commander. It's a bit spicy. Besides, it tastes much better _after_ alcohol. Speaking of which…?"

"Oh, right over here." Shepard directs her to the drinks table. "Help yourself." He then walks back to us and takes a large tub off of EDI.

"This is shepherd's pie," she tells him. "I thought it appropriate."

"Yeah, EDI and I made it together," says Joker, "and that's why I didn't bring anything." He walks off toward the drinks table and EDI leans closer to us.

"In actuality, Jeff performed 9.4% of the tasks required to make the pie, and that includes standing around and complaining. Would you care to sample it? It is still warm."

Shepard, spoon still in hand, nods. "You bet." EDI takes the lid off and Shepard scoops some out, shovelling it into his mouth. EDI watches him expectantly as he chews it. "That's actually pretty good, nice and moist," he says in surprise. "Kaidan! C'mere. You've gotta try this."

The music starts playing and Kaidan's excuse for hiding is used up. He appears in the kitchen and walks over to us, wearing a smile. "Hey, EDI."

"Good evening, Major," she greets him. "Would you like to eat my pie? It is warm _and_ moist."

"I… _what?"_ The colour drains from his face and then Shepard points to the tub, shaking his head. "Oh! Yeah, sure. Ahaha!" He takes the spoon off Shepard and tries some of EDI's pie, deciding he likes it. He and EDI go off together to find plates.

"Glad to see those two are finally hitting it off," I say to Shepard.

"Yeah, me too… what in God's name is _that?"_

We look at the screen and see Cortez in the elevator along with… I don't know _what_ that thing is. Seem to know each other because they're chatting away like old friends.

Shepard and I just look at each other. "Thiiiis oughta be good," I comment.

"Evening, Commander, Garrus," says Cortez as he enters the apartment with his… friend. My and Shepard's eyes are locked on Vega, who came dressed as something resembling a jellyfish, complete with pink full bodysuit and tentacles. Oh, and two of those tentacles have a toy gun stuck on the ends.

"James, that's an… _interesting_ choice of outfit," Shepard mumbles, his brow creasing.

"He's Blasto," Cortez imparts. "Apparently."

Vega does some kind of fist pump thing with one of his tentacles. "Damn right! _This one_ is ready to party down! Whooooo!" Then he looks around, his face falling in dismay. "Where's everyone else's outfits? You're all gonna change, right? Right, Commander?"

Shepard shakes his head. "This isn't a costume party, James. I made that _very_ clear to Joker."

"But I…" Then Vega gives Cortez a dirty look. "Hey! Did you know about this? Thought you said you weren't wearing an outfit 'cause you couldn't compete with mine!"

"I think there was a memo or something. Might have forgotten to mention it."

"What the hell, Esteban? You helped me on with all this shit and you didn't say a goddamn word!"

"That'll teach you not to question my manliness, won't it?" Cortez starts walking away. "From where I'm standing, I'm not the one wearing the pink condom."

"But all I said was that pilots spend, like, two minutes a day actually _flying,_ and get all the glory even though the real men are on the field," says Vega, his eyes following Cortez who's now talking with Kaidan. He turns back to Shepard. "Commander, you gotta help me out here. You got somethin' I can change into?"

"I don't think so. Not unless you grab a bed sheet and come as a roman emperor."

"How about a ghost?" I suggest.

"Or tie it around your head and let it hang loose. Naked Rapunzel."

"Commander!"

Shepard sighs. "Go upstairs in my closet, first on the right. Might be a pair of pants you can get into, but forget the tops."

"Yeah, thanks, Commander."

Vega goes scuttling off and the guests that are already here do double-takes. Kaidan wanders over to us, his mouth hanging open. "What the hell did I just see there? I mean I haven't even had a drink yet! And then it's just usually pink elephants, not pink… whatever that thing is."

"I don't know what it was," I reply, "I only know that I can't unsee it."

Shepard can't even talk because he's laughing so hard. Got his fist pressed against his mouth, shaking his head over and over, his face screwed up and getting redder by the second. Then a tear rolls down his cheek and Kaidan starts to laugh, too.

I'm also laughing, but to them I might as well be attending a funeral.

A few more people arrive, bringing various foodstuffs, but it soon becomes clear that there's a shortage of dextro food so Shepard orders takeout for me and Tali. Tali and Liara arrived together and Tali's wearing, uh, quite a, um, tight-fitting outfit.

"Well, what else can a quarian wear?" Shepard asks me, and I blink.

"Did I… say that?"

He nods. About twelve times.

"Oh. Because I thought I thought it. You know, _only_ thought it."

"You probably did, but you said it, too. You also said the word 'Tali' about fifteen times in the last minute."

"Oh, look, Javik's coming up."

I move right next to the security screen and Shepard moves right next to me. "Never knew turians could blush."

"They don't."

"Really. Huh."

Why does it take so damn long for the elevator to bring Javik up? I almost hug the guy when he steps out, carrying a big bowl of something.

"Commander," he says with a curt nod, "as the custom is to bring food for some reason, here is a recipe from my cycle. I prepared it personally."

Shepard looks through the transparent lid at the grey-brown contents. "What is it?"

"Salarian soup."

"You mean… a salarian soup recipe?"

"No, Commander. I mean salarian soup. Do you need a translation?"

Shepard glances at me and gives a nervous laugh. "Uh, yeah, good one. What is it really?"

"Good what? Where shall I place it? The container is heavy. I have brought enough for everyone."

Shepard wordlessly points at the food table and we watch Javik solemnly place the container down. Shepard quickly keys up his omni-tool and sends everyone (except Javik) a message:

_ Don't _ _eat Javik's soup. That's an order._

"Little help?" James hollers from upstairs. "I lost my arm somewhere in one of these damn tentacles."

"Someone go help James," Shepard says. After most everyone pretends they didn't hear him, Kaidan lets out a groan and heads on up.

Then we get an alert that the elevator's on its way up again. "Here come the krogan," I announce, checking Shepard's expression. I see his shoulders tense a little. "You okay?" I ask him.

"Yeah." He gives an exaggerated nod and doesn't say another word until Wrex, Grunt and Zaeed—who we couldn't see behind them in the elevator—step in.

"So this is a human party." Grunt makes a 'disgusted' face and shakes his head. "Gonna need to liven things up here." He makes a beeline for the drinks table, where most of the others are.

"What does he mean by that?" Shepard asks Wrex, who's carrying a huge sack. "And what have you got there?"

"Krogan delicacy, pyjak poppers." Wrex reaches into the sack and pulls out something the size of a baseball, pushing it into Shepard's hand. Looks like a lump of crap and doesn't smell much better. "Got 'em fresh from Fish Dog Food Shack. Been dying to see what you think."

Shepard forces a smile and looks like he's holding his breath when he brings it to his mouth. Almost screw my eyes closed but don't, because I've never seen a human projectile vomit before and it might be pretty funny, given how expressive they are.

He takes the tiniest bite he can get away with and makes a show of chewing it (even though I know he's doing nothing of the kind). "Yeah, it tastes like… just like I'd expect monkey to taste."

"That's the spirit, Shepard!" Wrex goes inside, throws his sack somewhere in the vicinity of the food table and heads for the drinks. Hope Shepard bought enough drinks.

I turn to him and his face has gone red again. Makes sure Wrex isn't looking and then spits his mouthful into his hand, retching a few times before he runs upstairs, leaving me and Zaeed alone.

"This place is like a goddamn morgue!" Zaeed thrusts a bottle into my hand which is the very exclusive, but unfortunately-named, _Golden Snow_ vodka _._

"This stuff's pretty expensive, isn't it?"

"Heh heh. Didn't pay a fucking penny for it." He thumbs over his shoulder. "Got a crate of it out there. Associate of mine owed me a favour, just didn't know it. Had to strong-arm him a bit but he paid up… eventually." He cracks his knuckles and takes the bottle back off me. "You can't drink this, can you? Pity."

"Good to see you too, Zaeed," I say as he walks off. Then my omni-tool lights up and I read a message from Shepard:

_Don't eat the stuff in the sack. Seriously. That's an order._

**Javik's POV**

This is the first 'party' I have attended and I hope it is my last. If the Reapers attack the Citadel it _will_ be my last. The entire group of people tasked with defeating the Reapers is gathered in the same place. On the Normandy, this is understandable but this building does not have guns _or_ shields.

Commander Shepard is not the master tactician I believed him to be. He is naive.

I am on my way to tell him exactly that but am experiencing a strange tingling sensation in my extremities. James gave me something called 'booze' which made me feel warm. Maybe more of it will help.

I walk to the table which holds a diminishing supply of 'booze' and am greeted by three females: the human Traynor, the asari and the synthetic. _Two_ females. They are cackling and exchanging inane rumours and suppositions. They are _not_ talking about the Reapers. I have no time for such wasteful behaviour. I quickly fill my vessel with something called Ryncol and move to the next group of people in the adjoining room.

These are the engineers, the humans Adams, Daniels and Donnelly. The ones who call themselves soldiers but do not fight. In my cycle such lies would have been punishable by extracting the prevaricator's tongue, but here their claims are not only tolerated, but celebrated. I imbibe some of this 'Ryncol' and watch as Shepard and the quarian join them.

This is my chance to distract Shepard in front of his contemporaries. I will wait until he makes a point and then I will dispute it. Perhaps _then_ he will finally concentrate on the Reapers.

"What are we talking about here?" asks Shepard, taking a seat among them along with the quarian.

"Oh, Commander! Tali!" says Adams. "We were discussing the XPI threshold of the Maxwell-Baines capacitors during peak flow."

"What state?" the quarian asks.

"Definitely quantum. See, we've all got different opinions and we'd like to hear yours. I say 1500 XPI to keep it stable, Ken thinks less than that and Gabby thinks more. _Way_ more, up in the terahertz range."

"I think we could pull it off, Commander," says Daniels in her annoyingly bouncy mode of speech. "All we need to do is get the core's harmonics to a modulation of 6.1 terahertz."

"Ach, that's nay possible, lass!" argues the Donnelly engineer.

"It _is_ possible if you just read the projected engine specs once the refit's done, Ken."

"Is that even safe?" Shepard asks. "Did you take blue-shift emissions into account?"

"Absolutely." Adams thinks about this and nods his head. "You know, Daniels could be onto something here. All we'd need to do—"

My brain is already weary from this interminable tech-chat. How is _this_ going to defeat the Reapers? I drink more Ryncol because it is making everything bendy, and bendy is pleasing to my eyes. I re-join the inanity as Donnelly is responding to a comment Shepard has made.

"With all due respect, Commander, that's complete horsecrap. There's no way—"

"On your feet!" I order, pointing at one of the Donnellys… there are now four of them. "In my cycle, those who questioned their superiors were put to death. Prepare to meet your maker."

"'In my cycle' _again?"_ mumbles the quarian. "Really?"

"Uh, we don't do things like that in this cycle," says Shepard with breath-taking casualness. "We're having what's called a debate. You're welcome to join us so long as you don't kill anyone who disagrees with you."

"And do what? Talk about flows and thresholds while the Reapers obliterate your cities?"

Daniels leaps to her feet. "This is to make the Normandy better against the Reapers! At least we're doing something! What are _you_ doing? Listening in on people's conversations?"

"Aye, how many ears d'you have there, pal?" the one with the strange accent asks.

I touch my listening orifice but my flesh and brain are numb. "I… do not remember."

Four Shepards stand and walk to my side, one of them taking my drinking vessel from me and sniffing the contents. "Is this Ryncol? How much have you had?" He scans me with his archaic omni-tool. "Well, your insides aren't shredded yet. But don't have any more, okay?" He throws the contents of my vessel into a plant pot, which immediately starts to sizzle.

"You have altered your appearance," I say to him. "You are fuzzy and made of many colours. It suits you."

"Okaaaaay. Why don't you go lie down? There's a bed just at the top of the stairs. I'll show you."

"I can make my own way. You are too fuzzy and bendy and colour… colour-y. _You_ are the one who should rest."

I walk away from him, laughing at my own biting wit. I believe I emerged from _that_ debate as the victor. Before long I come upon two krogan who are attempting to kill each other with their heads. The spectacle proves diverting for approximately thirty of this cycle's seconds.

Then I find a larger group consisting of the two human pilots, the human biotic who may or may not be joined with Shepard, and James, who is standing on a table, his chest uncovered. He appears to be nursing as his mammary glands are swollen, and he is flexing them for the amusement of the group. I was not aware that male humans could birth live young. They have evolved more than I thought. But where is the infant? Has he eaten it? His girth indicates a hearty appetite.

I quickly tire of this half-man, half-woman and stumble away, disillusioned. Why is no one discussing the Reapers? In my cycle, we did not indulge in such frivolous pursuits as 'parties'.

"Psst!"

I look around but see no one. "Yes? Is it me, Javik, that you are hailing?"

"Yeah, you, 'andsome! Over here!"

I peer around a corner and find four Garruses with four humans I have never met before. They are standing next to a table with a green surface, looking furtive. "What are you doing?" I demand.

"Planning," one of the humans says. "We need to prepare this apartment in case of an attack."

"An attack by the Reapers?"

"Sure, if you want," replies the first Garrus. "You in? Me and Zaeed have got a plan."

"I am in," I declare proudly, glad to find warriors among this rabble of misfits and milksops. "First, we should fortify ourselves. I have discovered a tonic called 'booze'. It makes everything bendy."

"Yeah, it'll do that, ain't that right, Garrus?" says Zaeed.

The turian shakes his head. "Dextro beer they've got here's nasty. I'll take a rain check, but you two knock yourselves out."

The human warrior throws an arm around my shoulder and we walk to the booze table. "Sounds like a plan, my friend."

**Joker's POV**

So Vega didn't learn his lesson after the Blasto incident and now he's crowing about how manly he is again. In front of me, Cortez (the mastermind behind the Blasto incident) and Kaidan. This is just too easy.

"See these puppies?" he brags, flexing his biceps for—yawn—about the godzillionth time, and that isn't even a number. "Twenty-six inches of _raw power._ I ain't seen no fighter pilot—oh, pardon me— _shuttle_ pilot or biotic with guns like these. How 'bout you, Joker? You seen anyone like that 'round here?"

Cortez stretches his arms above his head and looks at Kaidan, who's seated next to him. "Feeling kinda hungry, Major. Got a hankering for calamari _."_

Kaidan chuckles. "Yeah, I might join you for that, Steve. Saw a _huge_ squid earlier, but I think it got eaten already."

"James," I say to Vega as he purses his lips at them, "you _do_ realise you're practically table dancing in front of these two? These two who appreciate the male form more than most? Not exactly what I'd call a manly thing to do."

"I'm good with getting compliments from guys who like other guys," he replies with a shrug. "Less competition for me with the ladies."

"I'm good too," Cortez says. "Think I can _just_ about contain myself."

"Hey, I'm sensin' a little resistance from the crowd here." Vega switches poses and extends his triceps behind his back. "So you guys wanna tell me the manliest thing you ever did?"

"We're still waiting for yours, James," Cortez challenges.

Vega turns to him and moves his hands up and down his body like a magician's assistant does. "I was _born,_ dude. So what do you got?"

"I'm manly enough not to come to a party which _isn't_ a costume party dressed as seafood."

James turns back to me and waves a hand at Cortez. "Ah, I'm done talkin' to you. Joker, what you got?"

"Saved the Normandy from a Collector attack. Next."

"Not by yourself, bro, you had EDI along for that ride."

"Think what you want, Vega. I know the truth. How 'bout you, Major? How can you possibly beat James being born? Tough, I know, but give it a shot."

"I'm Commander Shepard's XO."

"What? That's all you got?" James squawks.

"No, think about it," Cortez says. "You'd need to have a pretty strong personality to handle that. With all the demands on Shepard, his XO's gotta take as much of that off of his shoulders as possible, command the Normandy in Shepard's absence _and_ deal with the crew."

"And quarian admirals, amirite?" answers Vega. "I pulled XO duty on Rannoch and the major said I did pretty good."

Kaidan nods and gives him a smile. "Yes you did, James."

"Suck up," I mumble.

"Hey, at least I ain't makin' up no bull about saving the goddamn ship single-handedly."

"Actually, he _did_ save the ship."

I look over my shoulder and Shepard just arrived with Wrex and Tali. "See?" I say to Vega as Shepard parks himself between Kaidan and Cortez on the couch.

"Yep, snapped their necks and kicked their asses out the airlock. Rest of 'em shit their pants and ran."

"Okay, no need to go overboard, Commander. What actually happened was, I crawled through some ducts, opened all the airlocks and cracked my hip when we accelerated. _Then_ got chewed out by Miranda."

"Which you did with EDI's help," Shepard reminds me. "For some reason she always seems to get left out of these conversations."

"Yeah, I was just getting to EDI, _if_ you give me a chance."

"Hey, Shepard," says Cortez, "what's the manliest thing _you've_ ever done?"

"Held a gun to my head," Wrex interrupts with a cackle. "Had a little disagreement on Virmire, didn't we, Shepard?"

"Yeah, just a little one." Shepard gives a strained smile and sits on his hands.

"And how about you, Wrex?" I ask. "Was it when you held a gun to _Shepard's_ head?"

"No, I can think of something _much_ better than that," says Tali. "Remember when the three of us," she points at Shepard and Wrex, "ran into that armature in the tiny room on Feros? And Wrex threw himself in front of it?"

"He _what?"_ James splutters.

"Just didn't want Shepard to scratch up his armour," Wrex says.

"No." Shepard shakes his head and slowly looks up. "Saved my damn life, Wrex. And it wasn't the first time."

I see Kaidan glance at him and then look down into his lap, holding in a sigh. I obviously missed something here.

"Had it all figured out," replies Wrex. "Knew you'd cure the genophage _some_ day, so that's why I kept you alive." They all laugh, but Kaidan's laughing _politely_ and Shepard's just grimacing and stroking the top of his head _._

You know we've all got that one racist grandpa or uncle who says stuff at the dinner table when you're a kid, and your dad's nudging you not to stare at him with your mouth wide open, even though everyone's really uncomfortable? Not that Wrex is the racist grandpa here, but Shepard's definitely the kid and Kaidan's the dad. Only he's not nudging Shepard.

Okay, that was a crappy comparison, but I know what I mean.

"Well, better circulate." Shepard stands up and so does Kaidan, but Shepard tells him to stay put. "Think I'll check on Grunt, I heard the Ryncol's running low."

He nopes outta here just like he did when EDI told like the whole lounge he and Kaidan were into each other. Damn, I wish EDI'd been on the SR-1, 'cause some weird shit just went down here that I don't understand, and she'd _definitely_ spill the beans.

Maybe I'll ask her anyway.

**Later that evening (Kaidan's POV)**

Finally managed to sneak away for a bit without appearing rude. I mean it's not that I'm not enjoying the party—although parties aren't really my thing—it's just that it's getting a little rowdy down there and I feel kinda out of place. Don't really know how to act when everyone's cutting loose like that. Just need to take a few minutes of quiet and then I'll be able to enter the fray again with a (genuine) smile on my face.

I'm in one of the bathrooms upstairs so I check myself out in the mirror. John was right—this tux does look good on me, although the lighting's pretty soft in here. Maybe I'll wear it for this date he's promised me. I'm assuming the sushi place is out, though.

Ah… I knew it couldn't last. Someone's coming up the stairs. Someone's _running_ up them. I hear footsteps and then they stop.

"Kai? You up here?" It's John. I key the entry panel and the door slides open. He's heading past the bathroom and quickly turns around. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were…"

"I wasn't."

He walks up to me and leans against the door. "Hiding?"

"Uh, not exactly…"

He's grinning at me. He knows damn well I'm hiding. He steps past me into the bathroom and closes the door. "Want me to kick 'em out?"

"No! Listen, John, I'm having a great time, I just wanted a minute, that's all. Didn't mean to be a stick-in-the-mud."

"You're not a stick-in-the-mud, you just need a time out. Nothing wrong with that, it's how you were made." He comes and leans against the wash basin unit next to me, looking into my eyes. "I never did get the Presidium for you, did I?"

Can't believe he remembers that. I laugh out loud. "No, but I kept it in my head. Still go back there sometimes."

"Yeah?" He moves in front of me and rests his hands on my waist. "Then let's go there now. Together." There's a loud crash and a cheer from downstairs but John doesn't blink. "Close your eyes."

I'm still laughing because I feel silly but I do as he asks. His arms fold around my waist and he pulls me close, resting his nose against my cheek, his breath feathering my lips, but he doesn't kiss me as I expected. I just feel this huge warmth inside of me and I lean into him, my own eyes fluttering closed, my hands sliding up his chest and resting on his shoulders.

I'm not laughing anymore. I'm just still. Seems like time stopped and it's just us two, breathing together. I'm taken back to three years ago, before Horizon, before Cerberus, and things feel… like they should. I can't even hear the ruckus downstairs anymore. Maybe it stopped. It doesn't even matter.

I think we stay there for a few minutes but I lose track. "How do you do that?" I whisper to him.

"Hm?"

"I mean your life's full of chaos, danger, insanity, and yet you always make me feel… at peace."

"Advanced N7 training. Works wonders on Cerberus. Just hug 'em into submission."

Well now I'm laughing again. Move my head back an inch and look into his eyes. "No, really. How do you know exactly what I need, just like that?"

He holds my gaze for a few moments and exhales. "Because you're the only part of my life that's normal. That makes me _feel_ normal."

"So… I'm the most normal guy you know?" I tease.

"Yeah. And you have no idea how precious that is." He leans in and presses a soft kiss to my lips. "Now you're back in my life, and now we're together as we should be, I need to make sure you're okay."

I run a hand along the back of his head, his buzz cut tickling my fingers. "And are _you_ okay? You were pretty tense after what Wrex said."

He looks down for a sec and slowly nods. "Yeah. After tonight, Kai, I'm going to put things right. I can pull in a few favours and… I don't know how, but we'll do it. Somehow."

I nudge his chin and he looks up at me. "It's not only the right thing to do, but it'll give _you_ peace, too, John."

"There's always another way, right?" he says quietly.

"Right."

I pull him tight against me and bury my face in his neck. I'm so relieved and happy. Then he steps back and there's something different in his eyes.

"How about we do something unexpected?"

"Like…?"

"I believe I promised you a date."

"What, here in the bathroom?"

He waggles his eyebrows and yeah, I walked into that one. "Maybe some other time. But I know this great little noodle place."

I nod and put on my serious face. "And, ah, how's the floor there?"

"Reinforced. If Grunt couldn't bust it, neither can I."

"Sold," I say with a grin. "But aren't you forgetting something? You're supposed to be hosting a party."

He shakes his head, running his hands up and down my arms. "I never agreed to host a party. I _did_ agree to buy you dinner. This is Joker's show. The booze is running out anyway, so I think it'll start winding down soon."

"Well… if you're sure."

"Really had to bust your balls there, didn't I?"

He follows me out of the bathroom and we move to the balcony overlooking the main level. Seems the party's in full swing. James and Joker are playing a drinking game with the engineers; Cortez, Liara, Traynor, EDI and Tali are dancing, while Wrex and Grunt are singing krogan war songs above the music.

No idea where Javik, Garrus and Zaeed went. Just like no one knows where the Ryncol went.

"Guys!" John yells out. James, Joker and a few of the dancers look up. "Kaidan and I are heading out for some food. Anyone want anything brought back?"

Everyone shouts out at once, desperate for some decent food. When John and I are sure we can remember what everyone wants, they all get back to what they were doing.

"See?" John says. "We're not needed here."

"Then…" I kiss him on the cheek because no one's even looking. "How about that date you promised me?"

"Right this way." He gestures toward the stairs and we head down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *UCMJ--Uniform Code of Military Justice, the foundation of military law in the United States.


	16. Blurred Lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For silverlodi, Raindude and everyone else who's been waiting for an update for about the past six months. :( I'm very sorry. Can't promise when the next will be, but thanks to everyone who reminded me, gently, that the story needs updating! I'll try to be better! :)
> 
> Thank you to CCBug, parent of three mini geniuses, who beta-d this chapter while juggling said geniuses! You're the best. :)

** Tiberius Towers (Shepard’s POV) **

“If we’re going on a date, shouldn’t you use a line on me?”

Kaidan and I are stepping into the elevator and I look at him before pushing the button.  “Line?”  I ask.

“Yeah, you know.  I’m just saying, it’d be kinda fun for you to… use a line on me, that’s all.”

“I don’t know any good lines.  Know plenty of horrible ones, though, or at least ‘get-out-of-a-date-fast’ ones.”

Kaidan steps closer and straightens my lapels.  “And, ah, you’ve used these get-out-of-a-date-fast ones how often?”

“Uh…” And now I’ve backed myself into a corner.  “On at least one occasion.”

He’s trying to look stern but he just can’t do it and his mouth’s twitching.  “Uh-huh.  Okay.  Give me your best one.  Or worst.”

We exit the elevator and head along the corridor toward the Strip.  “Okay… ‘Want me to show you something I learned in jail?’”

“Ha!  Good one.  Let’s see if I can come up with something here.  How about, ‘Sorry, I have to take this call.  It’s my husband’.”

“I like it.  Nice and simple but kicks like a mule. ‘Does this smell like chloroform to you?’”

Now Kaidan’s chuckling.  “Yeah, that’d definitely get me thinking about jumping out the window _before_ I’d checked if the atmosphere was breathable.”

“Here’s another: ‘You were much better looking when I had my beer goggles on’.  Oh, and my all-time favourite: ‘Don’t worry, the doc said I’m not contagious.”

We stop at the security door and he’s giving me another attempt at a stern look.  “Have you actually _used_ any of those on anyone?”

“Not in _recent_ memory, no.”

“And how about in distant memory?”

I give him my most charming smile—keep it for special occasions—and he shakes his head.  

“So which line’ll you use on me if our date goes wrong?” he asks.

“It won’t go wrong.  Not for me, anyway.  Although _you_ might want to keep a line in reserve.”

Kaidan puts a hand on his chin and frowns.  “Hm.  Think I’ll keep _that_ one to myself.”

“You’re such a goddamn tease.”  I back him against the door and he’s pushing against my chest with his palms, but not hard enough to keep me off of him.  I nuzzle his neck and move up along his jaw, but he’s laughing too much to take me seriously.

“Are we really gonna make out here like two kids behind the grocery store, John?”

I rest my nose on his and breathe against his mouth.  “Yeah, well, that’s how you make me feel.  Like a big kid.”

“And _you_ make me feel like a grownup.  Except here, where we’re making out like two kids.”  He groans softly to himself.  “And now I’ve completely killed the mood.”

“Yeah.  Thanks for that, Kai.”  I step back and grab one of his hands, taking us out onto the Strip.  “Better get us to the restaurant before I need to use one of my lines.”

When we arrive at the noodle place, it’s pretty full but we’re seated quickly when the manager recognises us.  Guess he didn’t hear about the sushi place yet.

We’re put somewhere near the entrance at a cosy table for two.  As we’re bringing back food for everyone, we skip the entrée and go right for the main course.  I know Kaidan usually plays it safe with a Pad Thai or chicken salad, but tonight he orders the house speciality: Inferno Noodles.  

“You sure about this?” I ask him as the waiter takes down his order.  “That stuff’s pretty fucking hot.  If you’re not used to it—”

He raises his chin in defiance and I know this is gonna go badly for him.  “I can handle hot food, John.  What’re _you_ having?”

I look up at the waiter.  “Steak sandwich for me and plenty of iced water for him.”

The waiter thanks us and walks away while Kaidan’s looking at me funny.

“What?”

“Well _I_ usually have a steak sandwich.”

“Yeah, and I usually have Inferno Noodles.  Because I can handle them.”

“So?”

“So we’ll see.”

“You think you know me so well,” he says with a cocky smile, “but I might surprise you.  You _have_ seen my tattoo, right?”

“I think the tattoo used up all your rebel quota.”

“Oh, really?  Yeah, well, like you said, we’ll see.”

Ten minutes later, our order arrives.  

Eleven minutes later, Kaidan’s sweating, fanning his tongue and chugging iced water like it’s going out of style.

“Give me the damn noodles.”  I swap our plates around and he attacks the steak sandwich like he hasn’t eaten in a week.  “’I can handle hot food’,” I say, making air quotations.  “’I’m Kaidan Alenko and I’m _totally_ a rebel.  Just wait and see.  You think you know me sooooo well’.”

He mops his swollen mouth with a napkin.  “So did I ever tell you I was born a woman?”

I sit back, nodding, and cross my arms.   _“That’s_ your get-out-of-the-date-fast line?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  Just thought you had a right to know.  Used to be called Kayleigh.”

I pick up my fork, twirl some noodles around it and suck them up.  “Doesn’t matter.  Had sex,” I say with a full mouth.

“Oh, you’re _such_ a brat.”

Our eyes meet, he laughs and I smile.  “I’m glad we did this, Kaidan.”

“Me too.”  He lays a hand over mine and I… I get this urge to tell him.  He must _know,_ but he’s never said it to me and I’m wondering if it’ll make everything weird if I _do_ say it.  

I’ve never told anyone I love them before.  How do you just… say it?  When is it the right time?  What if he doesn’t say it back?

“John?  You okay?”

I nod and I can’t speak because I want the next words to come out of my mouth to mean something.  I want them to be worthy of him.  No more wisecracks, no more skirting around it.  I love this man and I want him to know that.  But how do I…?

“Do you need to say something to me?” he asks seriously.

Yeah, I do, and I need to say it quickly because I know him and he’ll be imagining all kinds of things.  I sigh and turn his hand over, wrapping my fingers around it.  “I just want you to know…” I realise I’m not looking at him.  Damn it, why is this so difficult?  Okay.  I look into his eyes and I can see the anxiety there, the wariness.  Almost hidden but not quite.  Time to man up.

“I, um, I love you.”

** Kaidan’s POV **

I can’t believe he said it.  He just… I mean I _know_.  Deep down, I know how he feels about me.  I just didn’t expect him to be the first to say it.  And I know what a big thing this is for him.  

“I love you too, John.”

Well now we can’t even look at each other.  Just smile like a pair of idiots.  This is… this is how you’re supposed to feel when you’re a dumb teenager and you don’t really know what love means.  But we’re grown men on the wrong side of thirty.  I never experienced the dumb teenager stage because I was too busy trying (and failing) to fit in.  John didn’t either, because he was running with gangs and blowing random guys he met in bars.  

He told me all that a long time ago, when we were just friends.  I remember feeling sad for him.  He’s got more sexual experience than me, but I don’t think he ever fell in love before.  I did, a couple of times, and I remember how it makes you feel.  When you’re apart, you miss them but feel great when you think about them.  And when you’re with them, you could take on the galaxy together.

That’s how I feel when I’m with John.  He’s not perfect, not by a long shot.  But then neither am I.  And I get to see a side of him that no one else ever has.  

It’s usually me who struggles to say what I want.  John wears his heart on his sleeve and leaves no one in any doubt as to what he’s thinking.  But this time, I know it was hard for him to say that.  So when he told me he loves me, I know he meant it.  

As for me, it was the easiest thing I ever did.  Just rolled right off my tongue.

Finally manage to look at him and there’s something in his eyes… this is what I mean about seeing a different side to him.  He leans in, touches my face and just kisses me.  In front of everyone.  And I don’t mean a passionate, almost frantic kiss like that time in his cabin (and in the shower this morning), but something tender and heartfelt that lasts a few seconds but means so much.

Then there’s a bright flash of light and John pulls back.

In the second I get to think before John almost flips the table over, I catch a glimpse of the people on the surrounding tables.  Some didn’t even notice the kiss, one mature couple looks like they disapproved but the occupants of three or four tables are looking this way and smiling.

Then I find out the source of the flash of light: it’s a paparazzo, and John’s chasing him, the guy’s camera floating behind them.

John corners him just before the exit and I see his omni-tool light up.  So he’s not planning on punching the guy, then.  Grabs the camera and sparks fly from it as John overloads the thing.  

The guy starts yelling but John just stands there and stares at him.  Eventually he shuts up.  Then John steps real close to him, says something I can’t hear and opens the door, tossing the ruined camera outside.  Manhandles the guy out the door and turns around.

“I’m sorry about that, folks,” he says to everyone but I think he’s even more stunned than I am when applause breaks out.  Talk about surreal.

“Comes to something when two of our military’s finest can’t even grab a bite to eat in private,” a man on the table next to us calls out as the applause dies down.  “Waiter, get these two a beer on me.”

John shakes the man’s hand as he passes by before taking his seat next to me.  Now _everyone’s_ looking at us, even though most are pretending not to.

“Sorry, Kai,” John mumbles.  “So much for a quiet date.”

“Actually, I thought you were gonna kill the guy, or at least whip his tail,” I say as the other diners get back to what they were discussing before.

“There’s always another way, Kaidan.  Think someone I know mentioned that once or twice.”

I smile at him and clutch his hand beneath the table.  “Baby steps, right?”

“Exactly.  Baby steps.”

A couple of beers are set down on the table.  We toast our neighbour’s health and decide to order dessert.  

But _not_ the chilli chocolate bomb.

** Shepard’s Apartment (Shepard’s POV) **

So we arrive back at the apartment laden with takeout, open the door, and it’s blocked by something… big.  And white.

“What _is_ that?”  Kaidan sets his box of food down and fires up his omni-tool.  “Cotton… leather… man-made materials?  What the hell?”

I give it a prod.  “I think it’s a mattress.”  Place my own box on the floor and push the makeshift barricade, which falls down into the apartment… but not completely.  Something’s under it.

“They’re back,” I hear Garrus say.  “Listen, Shepard, things got a little out of hand while you were gone.”

“You don’t say.”

“It’s the clone!” Zaeed shouts from beneath the mattress.  “What’d I tell ya?  Get the bastard!”

“Somebody wanna tell me what the hell’s going on?” I demand.

Garrus appears on the right-hand side of the mattress and I could swear he’s grimacing in embarrassment, even though his face looks exactly the same as it always does.  “Thing is, we had a few ideas about security—uh, Zaeed, Javik and I—but those two hit the Ryncol pretty hard and couldn’t get to grips with the security system here.  So, um, they made a human barrier to stop any clones from getting in.  Well, a human-prothean-mattress one.  They weren’t hurting anyone so we just left them to it.”

Kaidan gives me a long-suffering look and we lift the end of the mattress nearest to us, flipping it forward and revealing the two, very drunk, security experts.  Zaeed starts thrashing around and shouting obscenities at me but all Javik can do is laugh.  Weird sound, like he’s choking.

“Check he isn’t really choking,” I say to Kaidan before turning Zaeed onto his side.  I grab the food boxes, take out a couple of noodle containers and set them down next to their heads.  “Eat up.  And don’t lie on your backs.”

“I don’t take orders from no goddamn clone!”  Zaeed starts crawling toward me, his legs dragging behind him.  I’d laugh if I wasn’t worried he’s gonna throw up on the nice clean floor.

“Hey, Massani,” I say quietly, crouching next to him.  “Thought I’d fooled everyone but looks like you figured it all out.  I’m going after the real Shepard.  Try and stop me, _if_ you can.”

“I fucking well knew it!  Garrus!  Deploy the anti-clone measures!”

Garrus rubs the side of his head.  “Uh… we didn’t actually get that far.”

Javik cackles and grabs hold of Zaeed’s ankles, while Kaidan appears at my side, wearing his disapproving-but-indulgent face.

“I heard that,” he says to me before turning to Zaeed.  “This _is_ the real Shepard.  Now eat your noodles, for God’s sake.  You need _something_ inside you.”

“That’s what he said!” Javik splutters, collapsing into hysterical laughter.

“Two of the fuckers!” yells Zaeed.  “Hey, everyone!  Now Alenko’s got a clone!  Stop ‘em before they steal the goddamn apartment this time!”

“Yes, they will steal the apartment!” echoes Javik.  “For we all know apartments in this cycle are on wheels!  Bwahahahaaaaa!  Or perhaps it will grow wings and fly away on command?”

“Boss, can we get some food over here?”  a bored-sounding Joker calls out from one of the couches, where everyone else is gathered.  “We all took turns eating EDI’s pie _and_ Traynor’s spicy ta-tas and now we’re starving.”

“It’s Bombay potatoes, actually,” Traynor corrects. 

“Hey, what about my pyjak poppers?” asks Wrex, but Javik interrupts.

“And my salarian soup!”  He looks up and points a finger at Kaidan which I think is meant for me.  “I fooled you, Clone!  It is not really salarian soup!  It is the water your robot used to wash the cooking vessels!”

“You mean that _I_ used,” Joker adds on a sour note.

“Hence the complaining,” replies EDI.

“Kaidan,” I say, “just give them the damn food.  I’ll take care of these two.”

“Not if I don’t take care of you first, you fucking clone!” Zaeed slurs from below.

I walk back to the mattress, drag it across the floor and place it on top of Javik and Zaeed.  “Sleep it off, you two.”

“Screw you, Clone!” Zaeed begins before slumping flat on the floor.  “I ain’t… ain’t… zphulsassssh.”

“Come again?  You’re a little muffled,” I say, cupping a hand to my ear.  Wait a moment or two until they start snoring and then join the others on the couches, and they’re wasting no eating time with unnecessary talking.  Kaidan sits by me, Garrus squeezing in next to him.

“Where’s Grunt?” asks Kaidan, looking around.

“Hammered the rest of the booze when the Ryncol ran out,” answers Garrus, tucking into his dextro noodles.  “Found him upstairs picking a fight with a painting.  Few of us managed to get him to one of the beds.  About the bed…”

I look at him and he makes a nervous ‘hmmmm’ sound.  “He _might_ have broken it a bit,” he mumbles.

“A bit?  A bed’s either broken or it isn’t.”

“Okay, then, he broke it.  But that doesn’t even matter.”

“Pissed all over it,” Wrex helpfully adds.  “Pretty impressive, actually.  Didn’t know krogan bladders could hold that much, but then the kid _is_ a freak of nature.  Heh heh.  Krogan piss sure doesn’t smell like human piss.”

I don’t know whose face gets palmed first: mine or Kaidan’s.  “Are there _any_ beds left?” I ask no one in particular, uncovering my eyes.

“We guarded the rear bedroom with our lives,” says Liara, pointing out EDI, Traynor and Tali.

“Thank you, ladies,” I say.  “Glad there’re _some_ sensible ones among us.  Where’re the rest of you staying?”

“I have made reservations for all partygoers at local hotels,” EDI answers, “although I suspect Javik and Zaeed may incur a ‘no-show’ fee.  Should I cancel their bookings?”

Kaidan nods.  “We’ll drag them onto the couches when everyone’s gone.”

We hang out with the crew until some of them start dozing so Kaidan and I call cabs.  See everyone off, check Zaeed and Javik are still alive before hauling them onto the couches, and decide the mess can wait ‘til morning.

Don’t need to check on Grunt because we can hear him snoring from downstairs.

I walk up to Kaidan, who’s stretching his back and groaning after lifting Javik onto the couch.  “Y’know, the hot tub’d be great for those aches and pains.”

“Took the words right out of my mouth.”  He moves closer, feathering his mouth along my cheek toward my ear.  “Why don’t you go get it fired up while I put the champagne on ice?”

“We have champagne?”

“We do.  Managed to keep it hidden from everyone else.”

I run a hand through his hair, imagining it sopping wet and dripping down his face.  “You keep being this efficient, Major, I’ll have to give you my job.”

“Yeah, well, I was thinking it’s about time you let _me_ take charge.  And I mean tonight.  If you’re good with that?"

My stomach just knotted so hard.  “I’m _very_ good with that, Kai.”

“Then get your ass upstairs, Commander.”

“Yes, sir.”

He slaps my butt as I turn my back on him and hell, if I don’t almost run up the stairs.  Then I get a reality check as I pass the room Grunt’s in.  Wrex wasn’t kidding about the smell.  Mental note: burn the bed tomorrow. 

Further mental note: John, shut the hell up and think more about Kaidan _taking charge._

Grin to myself as I step into the hot tub room and… it’s… empty.  What the—

See a flashing light to my side and press the control panel on the wall, finding an audio message from Garrus.  Play it:

_So, Shepard, I might forget to mention this later so sorry if I did.  Didn’t.  Uh, mention it.  See, Zaeed did something to the hot tub, some kind of clone security measure, but he passed out before I could find out what it was and then he and Javik… well, you’ll see when you get back.  By that time he’d forgotten what it was but I’m pretty sure it was something dangerous.  So I drained the water.  Might wanna get someone to check it out before using it again.  Noooot that you’re using it now._

_Sorry if this spoiled any plans of yours.  Or Kaidan’s, if he’s there.  What am I talking about, of course he’s there.  Anyway, reason I didn’t say anything in front of everyone else—if I forgot—isn’t because I forgot, exactly, but what I just said.  You know, about not saying anything in front of the crew.  So that’s my reason.  Uh…_

_Sooooo… yeah, I’m imagining your face right about now.  Hm.  I’ll catch you in the morning._

I just stand there and close my eyes for a few seconds.

“John!  Champagne’s empty,” Kaidan calls from downstairs.

“Yeah, so’s the hot tub.”

Find him at the foot of the stairs, looking up.  “Don’t ask,” I say, heading down.

“We’ve still got Low and Cold.  I also made baloney sandwiches, ‘cause that’s about all we’ve got left.”

“You’re still hungry?” I ask as we enter the kitchen.

“Hey, I’m a biotic.”  He’s walking backwards until he reaches the centre island, where he stops.  “Gotta keep my stamina up.  Gimme a baloney sandwich and I can keep going all night.”

I walk up to him and pin him against the counter.  “Didn’t I say I was gonna look out for you?  You need a break, just go ahead and nap.  I’ll pull your pants up when I’m done.”

“And they say romance is dead.”  He gives me a shove and then gets his serious face on.  “Besides, I already told you, John.  _I’m_ in charge tonight.”

“That right?”

“That’s right.”  Grabs my waist and spins me around until _I’m_ pressed against the counter.  Then he takes a step back and tilts his head a little.  “First off, I’m gonna need you to lose the clothes.  And… take your time.”

“All of them?”

Kaidan nods.  “That’s what I said.”

Feel kinda stupid doing this.  I don’t exactly have natural rhythm and I’m not what you’d call seductive-looking.  But the way Kaidan’s looking at me… he’s never looked at me like that before.  This is gonna be _good._

Peel off my tux jacket and let it fall to the floor.  Which is a really rebellious thing to do, and I hope a sexy one, because us military men always fold everything up neatly.  A glance at Kaidan confirms he approved of that.

So far, so good. 

Next, the shirt.  Glad I took off that damn tie earlier.  Try to ease it over my shoulders in an alluring way, but wind up getting one of my cufflinks caught on the waistband of my pants.  I look at Kaidan and he’s laughing!  Ass!

“Honestly, anyone would think you’ve never done this before.  Let me get that for you.”  He reaches around my back and unhooks me, but keeps a hold of my waist.  “Many people think I’m a patient man, but I’m not.  I’m really not.  Looks like I’ll have to take charge _now.”_

His hands go to my belt buckle and slowly, he undoes it, his eyes locked with mine.  So.  Damn. Slowly.  I try to kiss him but he pulls back a little, the goddamn tease.  Then I feel my pants and underwear slide down to my ankles.

“Get on the counter,” he rasps.

Before I can respond, I’m manoeuvred around and my ass is lifted onto the cold worktop.  “Not very hygienic,” I mumble, cocking an eyebrow.

He pulls off my boots, his eyes still fixed on mine, then tugs my pants off and lets them fall.  “D’you think I care?”  He pulls my legs apart and moves closer.

Okay.  That was… wow.

Now I’m completely naked and he’s not.  “How about you lose _your_ clothes?” I suggest.

“I don’t think so.”  He’s pushing against my chest and I’m down, flat on my back on the counter, a hiss escaping my mouth.  Goddamnit, it’s cold!

“Just stay right there.”  He keeps a hand on my chest and plucks something from the worktop, a bottle of something.  Jesus, I hope it’s not hot sauce.

“Canola oil?  Really?”  I say, and poor Kaidan’s face drops.

“It’s all we’ve got.”

“Kai.”  I hold a hand out and he pulls me up so I’m standing in front of him.  “This isn’t _you_ , is it?”

He shrugs.  “I thought maybe you liked it a little rough.”

“I like it with _you.”_ I stroke his hair and kiss his cheek.  “Let’s take this upstairs.  The ladies worked really hard to save us a bed.  Shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

“But what about Grunt?”

I shake my head and point at the couches.  “Zaeed and Javik are a few feet away and you’re worried about Grunt?”

“Holy shit.”  His hands fly to his mouth.  “I forgot all about them.”

“Heat of the moment, huh?”

“I guess.”  He lets out a little chuckle and points to the canola.  “And, ah…”

“There’s a little something in the night stand.  Kahlee Sanders likes to party.  Or Anderson does… no, let’s not go there.”  I grab one of his hands.  “Ready?”

He’s wearing a wide smile as we head up the stairs.  When we reach the room where Grunt’s still snoring, Kaidan goes first and beckons to me, like he’s sneaking a naked boyfriend into his parents’ house in the middle of the night.

We reach the rear bedroom, I lock the door and we tumble onto the huge bed, both laughing.  Then I roll Kai onto his back and I can see he’s already more relaxed.  “Is this better?” I say softly.

“Better, John.  Much, much better.”

“Comms off,” I instruct the apartment VI as Kai reaches for the night stand drawer.

** The following morning **

I wake up next to a nipple. 

Takes me a minute to remember where I am and then I look up.  Kaidan’s about a foot higher in the bed than me and I’m holding onto him for dear life.  He looks adorable.  His hair’s mussed up and his stubble’s breaking through.  Wish the regs allowed for us to be more unkempt on duty but then I guess I’d never get anything done if he walked around looking like _that_ all day.

“What time is it?” I ask quietly so not to wake him.

“Zero-seven fourteen hours,” answers the VI.  “For your information, Commander, Lieutenant Jeff Moreau is attempting to gain access to the apartment.”

I loose my grip on Kaidan, sit up and rub my eyes.  “Audio only,” I say.  “Joker?  You okay?”

“Commander.  You alone in there?” 

“Uh, no.  A few people stayed over, remember?”  I feel Kaidan stir beside me and try to lower my voice.

I hear a sigh.  “Well, I really need to speak with you, sir.  Alone.”

“All right, just give me a minute, okay?”

“Fine.”

Kaidan pushes himself up, his eyes half-closed.  “Morning.”

“Hey.”  Give him a quick kiss and start looking around for my pants then remember: they’re still downstairs.  “You okay?”

“Never better.  Here, my pants are… in a heap on the floor.”  He passes them to me and I pull them on.  “What do you think Joker wants?  He sounds pissed.”

“He does, doesn’t he?  Guess there’s only one way to find out.”

“Want me to come with?”

“With no pants on?  No, sounds like he wants to talk to me alone.  Get some beauty sleep.  Looks like you need it.”

“Speak for yourself.”  He gives me a cheeky smile and then collapses back into the pillows, his arms thrown above his head.  “I’ll be waiting for you when you’re done.”

I stand up and look down at his naked body, letting out a groan. “Joker’s got some shitty timing.”

“Sure does.  Well, ‘night.”  He closes his eyes and wriggles down, getting comfy.

“This better be good,” I mutter under my breath as I leave.

** Joker’s POV **

So I’ve been waiting here for like, twenty minutes, wondering how to tell my commanding officer he’s a complete asshole while still sounding _respectful._

One minute, it seems easy.  The next, not so much.  I know Shepard can handle being called all kinds of things, and I’ve called him worse before, but then he knew I was kidding.  This time I won’t be.

And _that’s_ because he’s an asshole.

So, what?  I salute him first _then_ call him an asshole, _sir?_ Goddamnit. 

The door slides open and he’s standing there in his pants like he just woke up.  I straighten up and salute.  “Commander.”

He frowns.  “Little formal, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, well, I’m in a formal kind of mood.”

He watches me for a beat because I can’t hide my pissy face.  Then he ushers me inside before heading toward the games room at the back.  I follow him, still not knowing what the hell I’m gonna say.  In reality, I feel like punching him, but that wouldn’t be good for my hand _or_ my career.

When we get there, he orders the VI to close the door and leans against the poker table, folding his arms.  “All right, what’s going on?” he demands.  “Whatever it is, I’m guessing it’s not good.  Let’s have it.”

“Permission to speak candidly, sir.”

He nods.  “We’ve known each other long enough to be honest without bringing rank into it.  Hit me.”

“Okay, then.”  I’m feeling kinda shaky because, first, I’ve been standing for twenty minutes and I’m pissed he didn’t open the door sooner, but if he was sleeping I guess that’s not his fault.

“Do you need to sit down?”

“No, no, I really don’t.”  Second, because I don’t know what’s going to come out of my mouth once I start.  “Last night when we were talking with Wrex about Feros?”

He nods.

“I noticed you and Kaidan were real uncomfortable about something.”

He starts to unfold his arms but re-folds them.  Is re-folds even a word?  What the hell, I’m using it.

“Okay,” he says carefully.  “What makes—”  He pauses and his shoulders rise and fall.  “Go on.”

“Well, because I’m a nosy bastard, when the party was over I checked the mission logs for Feros.”

“And?”

“And… nothing.  So I asked EDI if she knew anything.”

His face stays the same but I hear a sharp intake of breath.  I really don’t want this to be true but he’s _not_ acting like he doesn’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  He’s getting ready for something.

“What’s your point, Joker?” he says impatiently.  “If you’ve got something to say, spit it out.”

“Is it true?  About the genophage?  About _Mordin?”_

He gets this look in his eyes like he’s cornered and he unfolds his arms fully, clutching the edge of the table with his hands. 

Hit the nail on the head.

“What _exactly_ did EDI tell you?”

“Is it _true_ , Commander?”  I’m getting upset and it shows in my voice.  “Not that it matters, but EDI didn’t tell me a damn thing.  All she kept saying was, ‘”I can’t answer that, Jeff.’  ‘I’m unable to provide any insight into that particular supposition, _Jeff’._ Which translates as ‘I’ve been ordered to shut up’.”

“So you figured all that out from EDI not saying anything?”

“Figured _what_ out, Commander?” I ask, leading him.

“Whatever it is you think you know about Tuchanka and Mordin.”

“Not entirely, but I got suspicious so I tried to find the mission logs from Tuchanka.  It was all there, except the part at the Shroud.  ‘Data corrupted’ my ass!”  I know I’m crossing the line now, but Shepard doesn’t blink, doesn’t move, doesn’t tell me to watch my tone, which he would totally do if I was wrong.  “Normandy data _doesn’t_ get corrupted!  We’ve got EDI?”

He just looks at the floor.  “Joker—”

“Did you screw up the genophage cure?  And if you did, how the hell did Mordin die while _curing_ the genophage which probably wasn’t even cured?  I _know_ what you’re capable of, Commander.  Just… please.  Tell me it isn’t true.  Tell me you didn’t sit with Wrex last night acting like you’re his friend when you might have…” I’m getting _real_ upset now, so figure it’s best to stop right there.

He takes a minute to answer and can’t look at me when he does.  “If I told you that, Joker, I’d have to lie to you.  You know I wouldn’t do that.”

“Ah, damn it, Shepard!” I place my hands on my cap and start pacing.  He’s just standing there, not moving.  “Why?  For the fucking salarians?”

“Joker.”  There’s a warning in his voice, but I don’t get it in time.

“And what about Mordin?  _Did_ he really die in the explosion?  Because you’re still standing here and you were there with him!  So why aren’t _you_ dead?”

“Lieutenant!”

I turn back to him, panting.  He doesn’t look angry but he should be, given what I just said to him.

“That’s enough, Joker.”  He sighs and pushes away from the table but stays in the same spot. 

“So you just want me to drop this?” I say, trying hard to keep my tone even… respectful.  “You want me to watch you being all pally with Wrex while he has no clue you fucked over his people?”

“That’s _exactly_ what you’re going to do.  You’re an Alliance officer and I expect you to act professionally.  You got a problem with what I did, take it to Hackett.  That’s your right.”  He sounds angry but looks kinda stressed.  “If not, I need to know if _we’re_ going to have a problem.”

I look at him for a minute.  He’s still my commanding officer, and I respect the chain of command, if nothing else.  “No, sir.  We’re not.”

But I don’t think I can call him a friend anymore.

He glances at the floor again, exhales and nods.  “Dismissed.”

When I speak, my voice is so mechanical Legion would have been proud of it.  “Aye aye, Commander.”  I hold his gaze for a sec, salute again and turn on my heel before heading out.

 

 

 


End file.
